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About fader

  • Birthday 02/17/1976

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  • Location
    London, England
  • Interests
    Music, writing, reading, politics, history, activism, photography, art, galleries and museums, comedy, movies, soccer, serious amounts of coffee!
  1. I didn't report it. He was my then-partner and I knew I wouldn't be believed then (it happened 15 years ago) - proving it would be almost impossible now, particularly as I've suppressed much of the detail. There was (and still is) absolutely no way I could go through a trial, I just couldn't deal with it mentally and physically. I still feel guilty - but I know his actions are not my responsibility. Utmost respect to those who do report and do go to court - you are braver and stronger than I could ever be.
  2. I agree - Pandys helps a lot, especially as everyone here understands how I feel without me having to explain it. Thank you for the hug, always appreciated!
  3. I haven't posted in ages, but I was away from the board for a while after my dad suddenly died at the end of 2010. Naturally, I've been finding it very hard to deal with that on top of everything else - the last six months have been so difficult. Add to that a useless psychiatrist who - despite his promises - neglected to refer me to the local PTSD clinic and a load of petty, childish ridiculousness from various other people in my life and I'm in a seriously frazzled state! Fortunately, I do have some very supportive people in my life, but there's only so much they can do (especially as some of them are suffering too), and I did finally get my referral (I'm now on the waiting list, although I've no idea how long that will be!), so the future is looking a little less bleak. However, it's the now, the present that I'm having difficulties dealing with. How do you cope on a day to day basis? It's that I'm not finding easy. Any advice/suggestions gladly received... I'm going to try to blog a bit more regularly here, but I may disappear for a while sometimes (I tend to hide when I'm ill and can't cope). I will be back though!
  4. Thank you for your kind blessings Bellachai. It is good to know I am not alone in feeling like this!
  5. Isolation

    Do you ever feel like there are times you're screaming into a void? Do you ever feel like no-one is listening? Do you ever feel that no-one has noticed that you're so obviously in pain? Does everyone you know think you're a sensible, stable person who is 'coping' very well, when you're quite clearly not? Are you tired of being 'expected' to cope? Do you have to deal with everyone else's problems even though you can't even deal with your own? Do you want to crawl under the duvet, turn your phone off, and hide from the world - but can't? I feel all of these things. I'm tired all the time and I feel very alone. I'm sick of having to be rational about everything. I am so fed up of having to hide behind the mask we all put on to present ourselves to the outside world - but I am also frightened of losing control if I remove it. I'm sorry to rant at you all like this, but Pandys is the only place where I can; the only place where people really understand...
  6. I'm sorry to hear your friend finds it so hard to deal with what happened to you, I know that I've found that it's not easy to deal with other people's reactions sometimes. It is great fun cooking with friends, we put some music on and laughed a lot. My best friend has cats, and they were very curious about what we were doing, especially when we were taking the roast chicken out of the oven! I also like the sense of achievement when you finally sit down and eat a meal you've cooked from scratch, especially when other people enjoy it too. Definitely happy cooking!
  7. I love to cook, but I don't often get the chance to do so - living alone and lacking a freezer means that it's a real fiddly pain to handle portion sizes etc. However, some friends in a similar position and I have decided to cook together every once in a while. Doing so would mean we weren't eating junk, we knew exactly what had gone into our meals, and we wouldn't be eating alone. And, of course, cooking with friends is a good laugh! Anyway, Sunday was our first meal, cooked and eaten together by the three of us. As it was a Sunday, we decided to do a roast - and boy, did it turn out well! Somehow the three of us scatty girls managed to make a delicious roast chicken dinner in my best friend's tiny kitchen (it was pretty chaotic!). We served the chicken with some yummy roasties (done skin on and with a few cloves of garlic in the roasting tin), carrots, cabbage and stuffing. And we managed to get the timings just right, which is - of course - the secret of a good roast dinner! After we'd stuffed ourselves, a couple of friends came over and devoured the leftovers with every sign of enjoyment - it's always nice when someone else appreciates your cooking, don't you think!? All in all, it was such a success that we're planning more cooking sessions - we now want to learn to make bread too. I'm so proud of us!
  8. Been really busy recently with exciting plans for new projects, helping to organise a surprise birthday party, having internet and mobile phone crises (boo!), and being my best friend's agony aunt (as usual....). Oh, and I met the cutest kittens in the world. Ever. Seriously. Best of all, I've been feeling relatively human, despite the best efforts of my frankly useless new psychiatrist. I'm still having bad days, but nothing as dramatic as a few months ago. Fingers crossed things continue to improve! Things are certainly going to get busier over the next few months, so I may disappear for extended periods of time. However, I will blog here as much as I can and keep in touch with all of you lovely people. xxx
  9. Thank you for your blessings!
  10. Relief

    Just a quick post to say that I've got the results from my recent smear test back already - and it's (thankfully) all clear. Normally, it takes 2-3 weeks for the results to come through, but they must have processed mine quickly as I got the letter yesterday. That's one less thing to worry about... Until next year! Thanks again for the support, it is much appreciated. xx
  11. Thanks HopefulTrails, the hugs are very much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear you see 'him' too, no fun at all - it kind of knocks you sideways, doesn't it? Look after yourself and hugs back, if that's OK. claire xxx
  12. Thanks greenteahero! I'm relieved it's all over for another year
  13. I got through the smear test. Just. There were a few tears in the nurse's office, but she was very kind and made sure it was all over as quickly as possible. All I've got to do now is wait a couple of weeks for the result. My lovely friends took me out for coffee afterwards and made sure I was OK, which really helped. I'm now at home, about to open a very well earned bottle of beer! Thanks to all my pocket riders, your support is much appreciated xx
  14. Thank you bellachai. It's really not fun is it!? I'm glad it's over now - for another year at least...
  15. Thank you, all of you! xxx