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About HeatherRae

  • Birthday 11/14/1991

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    I love to read books. I take care of others before I focus on myself. I am ready for a new start next year as a freshman at college.
  1. ...Struggling to Survive...

    2 more days until I hit my 1 year anniversary. A person would imagine that after a year the pain would go away. At least become bearable, if only the pain could numb itself eventually. For the past two weeks I feel like I have been walking back to square number one of my recovery. I've made significant improvement over the year, I've gone from therapy sessions twice a week to now only going every six weeks. I've stopped thinking of my assault everyday. Now it's maybe twice a week. Well, it was twice a week. Until December hit, and I realized that the dreaded day would soon be arriving again. January 12. That date has become my New Year. New Year's Eve was pointless to me. It didn't mean anything. I've personally been on a mission to celebrate on January 12th. To be happy that I've made it a year. I felt like I had died inside after I was raped. It was a feeling like I had lost a parent or a sibling, but ten times worse, because I felt like I had lost myself. I felt like I had died, but yet part of me still remained to feel the pain and sadness of losing myself. I felt like I had been used, beaten, and was now broken. No point in life anymore. I constantly thought to myself, who would want me now? I'm not the person I was before. I felt like a toy thrown in the trash because it was broken, a book layered with dust because a chapter was missing. I still feel like that. I feel like I'm not worthy anymore. I feel like I can't be loved by any man anymore. If one would want to hurt me so badly, then what would keep others from doing the same thing? I told myself that eventually these thoughts would go away. But what is the time frame for the word eventually? It has been almost a year, the word eventually probably doesn't fit anymore. But what word does? Never? It's beginning to feel that way. Like maybe I should have rephrased my wording a year ago and said something along the lines of, These thoughts and feelings will never go away Heather, you will have to live with them forever. My one and only wish to be happy again. The day I was assaulted, it felt like all of my happiness had been stolen by that guy. Now I have only been searching for a reason to get out of bed each day. And lately work hasn't even been reason enough to put my feet on the ground and keep moving. Now my head just floods with questions whenever I let myself be silent. Why me? Why now? Why can't I seem to move on? Why do I still believe I need to put on a mask for my parents, to make them think that I'm alright? Why do I still struggle to feel beautiful on the inside and out? Why did he have to take away my happiness? When will the pain stop, when will the memories reside? When can I begin to live my life again? I don't know the answers. I wish I did. But if there was one answer that I could have, I want to know WHEN will I know the answers to these questions? I haven't been able to find myself in this disaster. I've been searching for a year, and now I'm not even sure what I'm searching for. I've forgotten what I used to be like. No, my smile hasn't changed. But the look in my eyes, the spark in my laughter, and the fire in my heart is gone. Nowhere to be found. I've forgotten who I was. I don't know myself anymore. And I think that that has to be the scariest part of all. Not knowing who I really am.
  2. Faulty Pregnancy Test?

    The doctor ran the test. it said negative. but i still havent had a period since Christmas. there was one day that had some drainage, but nothing near close enough to being my period. So now they are going to do a more specific test. not really sure what that means or how they will go about doing that, but im scared. and stressed. I never knew something like this was so stressful. I quit one of my two jobs so that i could have time to sort all of this out and filter out my emotions.. it's like im on an emotional roller coaster and there is no end to the ride... i cant keep myself from thinking about the "what if's" and trying to create a plan when I know it will be pointless. plans never work out anyways. they are there only to be ruined by something. im 18, i was raped, was hospitalized from it, and now possibly pregnant. all within the span of one day everything came crashing down. i'm not supposed to be planning a birth of my child, im supposed to be planning my move to college. Whats happening to me!?
  3. I can finally breathe again

    the dr called today.. the pregnancy test was negative... it's wonderful.. i can go forward with all of my plans, and in a timely manner too... i can breathe.... i can get back on track to getting back to normal.... however long that may take..
  4. my plan, if it's (+)

    I have a plan. sort of. if the pregnancy test is positive. graduate in may, 4 months pregnant. go to college first semester, have the baby in october. hopefully not on the father's birthday. take off my second semester, move back home, take online classes, raise my child with guidence from my parents in the summer, move back to the town where i will be attending college, find an apt, a job, and a babysitter go back to college. work so i can support my child. be a loving mom. prove to the father that keeping the baby is not a mistake. live my life with no regrets! its crazy, i know. but what can i do? life doesnt just stop so i can get everything in order.
  5. Waiting Never Came Easy

    It's Monday. I was at my dr's last thursday. he said he would run a pregnancy test, because my period has not come since Christmas... I was r* on Jan. 12. It's now March 1st. I tried staying busy this weekend... but that didn't help. And i did some research on the internet... that REALLY didn't help. I went through my days and i noticed i was showing signs of pregnancy. but they are the same symptoms, at least similar, to those of stress.... It's not adding up. So now, I'm off to see my counselor and share the news with her. Life just never gets easier from this point on. It's hard to believe that eventually it will...
  6. pregnancy test: (+) or (-)?

    it's been two days since i have been to my doctor when i peed in a plastic cup, so the doctor could run a pregnancy test. they didnt run the test while i was there, they let me leave... and i don't even know if they have run the test yet... if they have, they haven't called with the results... but it all adds up, the test can go either way, its 50-50 chance.. you know those conception calculators online? they tell you the date you can or did conceive if you put in the date of your last period... I haven't had mine since Christmas... and the date of conception that the calculator figured up was the same date i was raped... it's my senior year of high school, i graduate in may... i have been accepted to the college of my choice... but, if the test is positive... i may have to take a year and keep living with my parents while i try to raise a child... and i have waited for years to get out of my parents house... but i can't give the baby up for adoption.. and abortion, to the possible-father-to-be's dismay, is out of the picture... I don't know what to do, I'm 18 years old and have never been so scared in my life as i am now.... this is all new to me.