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About greenteahero

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    turning myself into a patchwork quilt, the pieces make the beaut
  • Birthday 05/21/1984

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    So Cal
  1. grief... feeling it

    how many have been taken from us over this last few days? i add my personal loss of my cousins' grandma she was so sweet to me when i lived there, with them.. for 2 years she was just a sweet person yesterday i was grieving for the ones in connecticut only a few days ago for the ones in oregon and now this morning my uncle called about her she died saturday i am taken over by it and i have a final tomorrow i do not know or think that i can compartmentalize any more i am breaking down those walls in therapy i can tell i am feeling things sooner, closer to when they happen i am less of an iceberg and more of a human being but it hurts dammit and it is scarier to feel like i am out of control but.. maybe it is better for my health and my head? not to hold on to things forever and have them bubble up unexpectedly at little triggers or words or pictures or moments and scare/shock/surprise the other person who had no idea this flood of emotion was coming.... i am trying.. for my grades i am trying.. what does it feel like for a "normal" person to feel grief.? how long does it last? what does it look like ? am i doing it right? what if it takes over me and there is nothing left of me? i am so .. scared of letting go and feeling....
  2. thought i was fine, til suddenly i was not this onslaught of feelings took me by surprise i was just sitting there enjoying the sun when i break down crying dont even know why its over the breakup im sure of that but no thoughts in my mind as to why im crying i feel like a crystal fragile as glass melting in the sun drop me and ill shatter no more strength to go on we talked last night my friend and i and she pointed out the problems in that relationship that opened the can of worms and i dont fault her for it it would have been opened someday better now than later when it had been buried longer so i have to be strong and face it and cleanse the wounds and learn to do better next time to stand up for myself not to let things slide to expect manipulation and not be open and honest because i might be taken advantage of to question and fight for myself to be sure my needs are met not to be a wuss and all of that other mess that goes along with my low self esteem my beliefs that it is Hard to find a girlfriend that im not worthy of one that i was picked so i should be grateful and so on.
  3. i told my therapist i dont get angry, except over things that matter.. over my unforgivables .. and only maybe. and she said maybe my anger is repressed and inside as .. she said a few things but the only one i remembered is helplessness. cuz that one stuck with me. so i was feeling like hurting myself because i had met with the dean of students to discuss my safety on campus after the exposure incident and she read to me the incident report which graphically described his .. thing. and i felt violated and could picture it. but on the way home i was trying to think how to avoid hurting myself. and i thought of what she had said about anger, and i tried to express my anger so i was punching and kicking as i walked and feeling anger towards him for doing this to me and the feeling went away! i was so excited. becuase usually nothing works, once i have that urge. like it either goes away by itself or i do it.. sometimes taking a bath, something sensory... or sleeping... to clear it out of my head... so today the urge came back off and on and i was feeling helpless and i punched my pillow and i was punching it and the tears came and i just cried and felt this relief and i know that im storing up anger as helplessness and depression and stuff like that anger turned inward whatever else it is, thats what i need to stop doing. its great that ive learned to stop expressing it outwardly because i already have the control, because now i can let it out healthily in whatever way i choose. through art, music, punching a pillow, spontaneous karate demonstrations on an empty street... lol. singing loudly. sparring at the gym. OH thats why my body hurts today i forgot. fibro kickback. the first rule of fibromyalgia is whatever you do, your body will pay you back for it the next day. the second rule of fibromyalgia is, you will need vicodin on you at all times for emergencies. the third rule of fibromyalgia is, learn to love yoga. LOL.
  4. thanks for the support. i am glad you think its ok. i am still surprised that its affecting me this way when at first it didn't bother me abit. i guess its a delayed reaction? dang.. im sorry no one helped you ... if i had been there i would have helped you
  5. thats so true, you never know if the person's serious, you have to take that risk and just trust that even if you dont know if the persons serious its better off to be safe than sorry... because see look in this case your friend was serious and the police had to intervene and they saved him and he's got help now... in a case like that i would do the same. you should feel good about what you did. i think that is why you did it. you knew that is what you should do.... like you said.
  6. i cried about the whole thing today. it was inconvenient timing because i was taking a walk and it came over me there on the path. i was thinking about my doctor emailing me to ask me how i was. she had found out i had called a hotline from her assistant and was asking me what was wrong. it was over the incident and being triggered trying to study but i didnt want to tell her til i'd talked to my therapist the next day and processed it "right" the first time. so i told her i couldnt tell her. then i had a seizure. neither she nor i knew what was happening but she could tell i wasnt doing well so she called my parents to pick me up instead of the bus and she scheduled me an appt for the next week. the next week i was sick and canceled the appt. So this week 2 wks later she sent me an email to see if i was doing well. i felt touched that she cared, but in the response i had chosen to leave out the incident. for one thing it would have made a long email. for another thing its such a taboo topic. maybe id rather say it in person. so, it was angry crying. how i felt alone in the whole thing. one of my therapist was helping me deal with the reporting process and one of my friends was texting me about it but i was alone in feeling it and hiding on campus and trying to study the material that was triggering and taking the test i couldnt study for and running out of my professors office crying and those kinds of things. there werent a lot of tears though. i have different kinds of crying like i have different kinds of depression and mania. maybe i am the only one . i dont know. anyway i feel somewhat better, and somewhat sensitive, as usual.
  7. oh, no im not always in a manic state. it was just brought on that one time... ususally im not, that is how i noticed the difference. sorry i wasnt more clear. well.. hehe.. posting while manic i dont think of things like that lol.
  8. thanks, i think that too, i will try to be ready for her when she comes
  9. ultrarapid cycling. i think i can get manic from eating dinner late. and stress. well of course the stress comes first and i get busy with something and then have to eat dinner late. but wow, thats just the tiniest thing. and now i have repeating thoughts running through my head. music lines. and i cant get my thoughts in order. and when i went to get dinner i did everything super fast. i took a herbal bath but the salt got itchy so i had to shower off and get out pretty fast and it didnt relax me that much. the shower was cold. totally lost my train of thought here... hmm...
  10. in T today my therapist asked me about shame. She had asked me to make a table thing listing when i experienced shame and what brought it about. But i didnt because the only thing that causes shame for me is in therapy. So i told her that and she asked me is it the relationship or is it the topics we talk about. So i struggled for a minute trying to explain it. And i finally kind of got a hold on it and i told her what we talk about and kind of how.. like when she wants me to have feelings and i dont have them . because in my family they dont want me to have them and when i have them i get shame and in therapy its switched so they want me to have feelings and when i dont have them i feel shame. So she asked me who wants me to have feelings. or who told me i should have feelings. And I pointed at her. So she said a lot of things that i cant remember all of them, but the point was that DBT is supposed to be neutral, or some other word like that, that it encourages expression but it doesn't require it, and her job as a therapist is to be neutral and encourage expression but definitely not shame the client if they dont have feelings and she can try but she cant be perfect either. So i felt so much better. And she asked me to repeat what she'd said back to her in non-emotional language, and i did... and she said i had done a good job.. so she asked me how i felt. ANd i told her i'd give her a tip on how to work with me. if she asks me how i feel, im not gonna have any feelings, but if she asks me what i'm thinking i'll have a lot of thoughts and we can turn those into feelings or figure out what i'm feeling. so she asked me what i was thinking .. and i said something, i forget what i said, but the next thing i said was "i feel safer now". I SAID A FEELING.. i got so excited cuz i realized i had had a feeling! and it was good and it was true!! so i was very happy and i was waving my arms and smiling.. and she got excited too and excited for me and said it was a very good thing.. i felt better the whole session. i also felt stronger this session because as you may know if you read this blog. i have reported criminal activity. ive lived through the chase and 'capture' of him. and living with still attending the school and worrying about him finding me again, being safe, changing my outfit and accessories and shoes so he can't recognize me. taking a test with major triggers due to this incident and not being able to study sections and still most likely succeeding. dealing with the breakup and seeing her and being happy with her, feeling mixed up inside, but going on with my life. so therapy compared to all of that going on outside is .. not to say insignificant .. but there is some comparison to be made. and the work i did in my other T with arousal and emotion helps with the shame and fear and dissociation so so much. i see the effects all the time. i felt good after T today. I want to tell her that no matter what is goin on in my life, unless its very VERY major, i want to focus on the DBT work. Because that is about learning skills to take me forward. and working on what is going on in my life is kind of like putting bandaids on what has already happened, its almost like moving backwards.
  11. i want to date again, i want a chance to meet a girl, and kiss her, and touch her hair and feel her hands in mine and just look into her eyes that whole thing and not just that but be with her and live with her and spend time with her like i did with my best friend in seattle who i lived with in that house with five roommates which is the closest thing i had to living with a girlfriend we were so close and my last girlfriend we never lived together but when she lived in the first house we spent time together there and slept together and took a bath together it was so nice i miss that i want that i just want a chance living in orange county, the most conservative place without transportation, in my parents house, without a place to my name is gonna be really tough to find and i dont know how its gonna happen i feel down. i dont wanna give up on the idea but i dont wanna hope beyond my chances either.
  12. trying to study for my test on wednesday, this test section has SO many triggers one section has bipolar, and suicide. one section has physical and psychological combined one section has sexual disorders. one section is substance abuse. could it get any worse? no i better not ask that question. or it will... la la la. bipolar cuz i have it, and suicide cuz i tried it, and the thoughts keep coming ... physical i have fibro, and i struggle with symptoms and keeping positive when i cant do what my peers do with no problems at all. sexual disorders cuz a guy exposed himself to me 2 weeks ago and not just that but reading about the other ones triggers for my assaults .. i feel nauseous going through the paraphilias and it wipes out my memory of what i just studied.. im not gonna do well on this one i think. reading about bipolar makes me feel slightly manic. so i get all hyper .. and then i cant study. . i m gonna have to talk to someone about this issue. how n the h*ll am i gonna get through this an i was just sick for 2 days. maybe i should quit. i always wanna quit when it gets hard lately. i dont have the fighting spirit anymore.. i jus wanna lay down and get bowled over. i feel like im just done you know?
  13. T session. we were talking about something and T says she wants to get to know me better. She asks me how that makes me feel. I say no feelings. that is honestly how i felt. she stops and goes into it for a bit. is that really how i feel, do i feel happy or excited or nervous or scared or ... and i say no, i have no feelings. she didnt ask me what i THOUGHT about it because then i could have given her a long long answer. but she asked me what i was feeling. and i had a lot of different thoughts but no feelings. this is what i was thinking: well did you not want to get to know me before and now you do ? isnt the point of therapy to want to get to know your clients? so you were only faking before, or do you want to know me more? so maybe that is a good thing? or should i worry that you're going to try to get personal information out of me. but i do not reveal things unless i want someone to know. so i am not worried, only wary. anyway i would be on my guard, but not in a bad way, only more cautious. but it would mean she likes me? or is just curious about me in a clinical way, like a lab rat? i dont like that at all. that kind of thought. all in all it balances out to feeling nothing. because there is not more negative or positive emotion from what i am thinking. which maybe you can't tell from what you're reading but in my mind it balanced out. and for some reason i just wasn't feeling anything FROM her when she said it, no emotion from her. Which is half of what i base MY emotion on anyway. i should have thought of that at the time and explained that to her, i think that would have helped. but she seemed to get very worked up over this. i think it made the rest of the session go worse. she said some very nice things, but at the end a lot of things came up and i felt a lot of shame. i dont remember what they were. i dont know if she knew she was doing it or if it was coincidental. i only know that afterwards i wanted to call and tell her i cant do it anymore. ive never felt that way before. also for the first time this session i didnt fidget and distract my emotions so i was feeling 100% of what i was feeling. that made it much much worse. i feel better today. i wish my memories were more reliable.
  14. I like that, i really like that. That lets me see when i am being ridiculous with my pessimism and when i am making a better choice that is realistic for me. Thank you for your wisdom.
  15. better mindset

    i dont want to be that person who says "i cant because of..." i want to stop saying "cant". i dont know how or why i got into this mindset but i hope it lasts. i Like It. something about this week has put me in the mindset of rising to fight the challenge. saying that i can and breathing through the pain. living in the moment. accepting that bad things happen and doing what i can about them and not letting them ruin my life, or if they are ruining my life then living it with as much grace and as much cleverness as i can. and so far, the results are far superior to the alternative.