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About crissibear23

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  • Birthday 02/23/1981

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  1. crying felt good

    Sometimes I try to be too strong...I broke down in tears tonight and couldn't stop and it felt good. My husband deployed last week and it has been hard on me and on our three year old son. But I was convinced I needed to be perfectly strong and not show weakness in front of my son lest he get upset. However, I think it backfired because he was very upset and didn't seem to understand why I was acting like everything was okay. After all, a huge part of our lives is missing right now. So, tonight, we watched Bridge to Terabithia together and once I started crying I couldn't stop. My son asked me what I was crying for and I told him that I was just sad...sad because I miss daddy, sad because my son misses his daddy, sad for so many things in life and my son came and gave me a big hug and wiped the tears off my face. I think he felt better to know that he isn't the only one very upset right now. And while he doesn't know and understand alot of the things I was crying about, he felt better knowing that sometimes mommies cry too and I didn't realize how good it could feel to just let myself break down. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my little boy now. I hate it when it seems like he is taking care of me!
  2. here I am again

    Well, here I am again. I just read my last blog entry and couldn't believe how good I was doing then compared with how "not good" I am doing right now. I drank too much a couple of nights ago and lost it. I think I started out wanting to just have fun, but suddenly I didn't want to stop drinking and then the flashbacks came back and I couldn't get them to stop. When it happens, I literally would do anything to make them stop, even if it meant hurting myself in the process to divert my mind away from the pain and the fear. My rapist is about to come back from Iraq soon...and my husband is about to leave for there. I don't really know what I want to say right now, but I guess I just need to scream to the world that I am not okay right now. Not in any shape or form. I can't get the feeling of him off of me and I have this urge back to talk to the bastard because I just want to know if he even remembers what he did. How is it that well over two years have gone by, but I can't seem to shake all of the stuff that lingers on since he did what he did. I am sad for my husband right now who witnessed my complete breakdown and has to leave for Iraq in the coming weeks. I gotta go and do something with my day now.
  3. not sleeping

    I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until four and the alarm started going off just after six. Ugh. I should be sleeping while my son is at preschool, but now that I'm awake I really don't want to work to get back to sleep. Maybe in a couple of minutes though after I finish my breakfast. I have to go talk to a counselor tomorrow and I know I am quite nervous about it. I'm horrible about admitting how I am truly feeling. I'm not really sure why...but why would I admit to not being strong. I've been through an awful lot in my life and I feel strong. I've come a long way in a couple of years and I work to make sure that things don't get me down. So it is really frustrating to have a flashback and feel like my world is crashing down around me again when I've worked so hard to start taking care of myself, being happy, doing things that are good for me. Mostly I just want to know why he did what he did. I'm convinced I could rest easy if he would just admit what he did, but judging from how he was after everything, I know he would turn it all around on me and I think I would end up feeling even worse than I already do. It's funny because so many people think I have it all together, but really I'm just struggling like everyone else. I've had more years to work at it than most people I know and eventually you realize that there is so much else to life than just the struggle. I take time now to just have fun and put everything else aside and visit it when I feel up to it...or when I have to in the form of flashbacks...which are pretty scary. I absolutely hate not being in control so I don't quite know how to reconcile with the fact that I couldn't stop myself from thinking it was happening again. Who knows...maybe I'm overreacting or maybe I'm not as strong as I think, but I'm pretty unnerved right now thinking about the possibility that I might start thinking it is happening again sometime soon.
  4. trying to find peace amidst the chaos

    Well, I feel like I am being pulled in too many directions right now. I'm desperately seeking God right now...I've been pouring my heart and soul into praying and trying to read His word. In the mean time, I am also trying to: keep my house spotless, the laundry done, my two year old entertained and learning new things, my husband happy, converse with friends who are far away, get ready for Christmas, keep going to playgroup, try to get to church...the list is just endless...and the hardest part is trying to do it all right now while thinking to much about *this*. I have prayed for a new heart and a new soul - that can forgive my rapist so I can let go of the rage, hurt, fear, unforgiveness and hardness of heart I have been keeping for two years. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint...usually the prayers start out good and somewhere in the middle I am forced to interject, "God, I don't want to pray for him - he hurt me and I'm entitled to feel anger and everything else I am feeling". Then I get this little voice inside my head that asks me why I want to feel that anger anymore. I know the feelings are much more complex than I could ever probably write about in one blog entry. On the one hand, if I forgive him, then I have to forgive myself for many things...for not listening to my instincts, for not being a good mom to my son for a while, for taking out alot of my aggressions on my husband, for losing control one night and taking too many pills, for so many things. I know that the Lord will forgive me if I go to him with a believing and truthful heart...the question is more whether I can handle putting it all out there like that. I hope I can one day. I try to take everything one day at a time now. Maybe one of these days I will be able to hear his name and not have to replay the night in my mind. Maybe sometime soon I can explain to my husband everything that is going on in my head right now. I'm sure he thinks that he has done something wrong since I have been on edge since I last heard more news about the man who raped me. I almost want just five minutes to be face to face with the guy again so I can ask him what he was thinking and ask him if he has thought about what he did to me. This is all I can write for now.
  5. Some of my healing accomplishments: I've told my husband (almost) everything that happened. I've stuck it out with T even though I thought I couldn't. I've shared my story on Pandy's. I'm starting to deal with it rather than trying to push it aside. I know that I want to live. I have reported. I went to a doctor...even if it was a couple of weeks later. I'm starting to recognize my triggers. I'm starting to learn how to handle/work through my triggers. I think that's all I have for now...but I'm shocked looking at this list at what I have accomplished so far.
  6. Some triggers: Watching the Hallmark channel to fall asleep Rachael Ray Taking a shower...only sometimes though...haven't figured it out yet Waking up to somebody walking in to my bedroom Being told "I love you" during sex Anything to do with moving...packing, boxes, etc. Some episodes of the Sopranos Text messages on my cell phone If my son wakes up in the middle of the night crying Hearing somebody shout my name Doors without locks Any guy who looks vaguely similar Any time I hear the same name When someone mispronounces my last name the way he did When someone asks me where the party is at When anyone plays with my hair Corona Rum and Coke Guys who chew tobacco Having a colposcopy People moving around in the house when I'm trying to go to sleep wow...i could keep listing, but it's 3:05 AM and I have to go to bed...this probably wasn't the best thing to do right before bed...oops