_ariel

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About _ariel

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    reading, crochet, knitting, jewelry making
  1. Like anybody that has neurotic tendencies, I'm in my head a lot. I don't usually pay attention to how I'm perceived by others on the outside of my life, and my journey. I see me: A late-twenties, survivor of early-life incest and childhood sexual abuse (I was 4 years old, geeze that's terrible, I'm sorry for everyone else that has experienced this as well.) I remember being a quiet, frightened little thing, clinging to my younger sister's arm, afraid to talk to boys. Afraid of being alone in rooms with them. I remember being older and being approached by aggressive men on the street. How when I leave the house in my neighborhood, I would have the mindset to not speak to anyone, out of fear that I would attract unwanted attention. I remember especially a hot summer's day, around 2007. I was walking to a bus stop and a guy sitting there waved me over. I thought he was offering me his seat but it was simply to hit on me and ask me my name, number, etc. I felt such an anger then, irrationally, for all men, FOR NO REASON. That one guy was being rude, not the entire gender! I share these experiences, because I feel that this is what I have come from. This is the headspace I used to be in, and I feel I have made so much progress from where I was mentally to now. However, how I'm perceived by outsiders, friends, and family really bums me out. It makes me feel like I haven't made progress at all, that I'm still a broken, fearful, pitiful victim. Outsiders see this late-twenties girl. She's loud, she talks to everyone. She takes no bullshit from anyone (unless it's from people giving her a paycheck hahaha...ha.) She stays safe and knows her surroundings. Street smarts, doesn't fall for scams. She cares about how she looks, and talks to members of the opposite sex frequently. But she's alone, this old and hasn't had a real boyfriend. Still a virgin. A father that once praised his daughter for her chastity (which is problematic, I know, we all know UGH) comments "a tree that doesn't bare fruit blah blah blah" now. I get perceived as being gay a lot. I get a lot of attention from other women. I guess because I'm naturally more open with women due to my past with men. It doesn't offend me of course, but the more aggressive women do piss me off a bit, just like aggressive men do. I have a friend that believes some people can choose to be gay because they have had bad experiences in the past with the opposite sex. I wanted to say, why would anybody want to live a life where something so bad happened to them involving the opposite sex that they would forgo a gender they were once attracted to, out of spite? But I haven't told them about my past, I don't trust them enough. Saying dumb comments like that, you can see why I would be having a hard time talking to them, haha. I'm belittled for being a virgin at such a late age. My opinions matter less, and people think, because I've not had these experiences, my life is lessened somehow. It makes me feel like people think i'm living a pitiful half-life. I have friends that don't think I know about my body or myself, just because I'm a virgin. I think this is less a perception of me being a older virgin and more on the fact that in society it's frowned on for virgin females to know their own body and exploring themselves so they know how to give themselves pleasure. because that's a man's place, right? ugh I feel there is this wall between what I have been through and everyone else. I imagine myself, inch by inch, climbing it, as my life progresses, I progress over the wall. I feel like there is no one on the other side, willing to climb it. A combination of the stigma that victims of all sexual abuse experience (we have issues, problems, we're broken, we can't trust, we can't love, we've all heard it before) as well as the distance I naturally put between people. There's more I want to go into but getting this out there right now has made me feel a lot better. Some of this has been on my mind for years.
  2. thanks for reading! it's hard, but we can work on this!
  3. trust issues

    Due to my early childhood sexual abuse by a family member, I've always had trouble seeing the opposite sex beyond anything but a sexual light. I have problems with thinking a man could want to talk to me for any other reason other than sex. I know this is ignorant to think but when you've witnessed the darkest parts of men's personalities before you ever saw how good they can be, just like any other human, it really poisons your perception of men. I want to work so hard on catching myself when I have these thoughts. Not only does it make me uncomfortable around friends I have that just so happen to be guys, it's insulting to those who approach me for nothing more than friendship. My knee jerk reaction is to immediately distrust men. If someone I was friends with told me that, I would be hurt. No one deserves to be distrusted for something that they didn't know about or had nothing to do with. I have this friend who just so happens to be male. At first I thought he was talking to me because he was attracted to me. But as I later found out, he was married with kids! He simply started talking to me because he was friends with one of my other friends and they bought me up in conversation. I've known him for about 2 years now and he's never given me any reason to believe he was approaching me in a sexual way. He's as good to me as any other female friend, and I still freeze up or become hyperaware of him when we talk on the phone or in person. I still don't trust this one man. This one man that hasn't done anything bad to me. I know I have mental work to do, because I know in my mind, that not everyone is like my abuser or my father (who didn't abuse me, just his disrespect of women I've witnessed has added to my distrust of men). Not every man on this earth is here to take advantage of me or hurt me. I know this in my mind. I just have to work on making my heart believe it too.
  4. thank you so much I'm so nervous for my sister coming home, were there certain things you did for/with her? I know i can't even begin to make this better for her, but I just want to make something easier for her
  5. thank you so much
  6. just found out an hour ago my sister's baby died in the womb. waaay late in term, almost 9 months; she was suppose to have a c-section this wed. or next wed. thank you so much or responding; i was thinking about calling someone i don't have anyone I want to burden with this; and posting on this site has helped me so much over the years. my family left me at home alone while they went to the hospital for an ultrasound thinking everything was ok but now I'm all alone with this
  7. I'll never get to know my niece

    how can people take something as delicate and venerable as the life given to them when so many people don't even make it out of the womb and hurt others I'll never know we'll never know
  8. everything's coming to a head

    younger sis: turns out she is self-harming again; I'm just now discovering another reason why; she was abused when she was 5 years old; that was when I was 12; so sad to know this happened to my sibling as well! There is a 7 year age gap between us and we aren't very close these days so I can see why she didn't think to tell me; i don't blame her from keeping it from us; everyone deals with this differently, after all. mother: I gave her a journal to give my younger sis; we are going to tell her to try and write something in it everyday, even if it's just a sentence and that no one in the house will ever read it; it's just for her. my mom feels like it's her fault for having her children to deal with this (dealing with our dad, who did violently beat my younger sis a few years back, and for me, having to live with my half brother who abused me when I was 4yrs old myself) I guess it really did turn out to be her just ignoring the whole situation; that's how she coped with it I guess, I'm glad she's now aware of how bad things are and she really does want to get my younger sis some help and did apologize for our childhood; not that I blame her; our dad and brother made the choice to harm their family, we couldn't control what choice they made; they are going to have to live with that for the rest of their lives; our job is simply to live, to heal, to not let bitterness and regret sour our lives. me: while on the subject of my dad this morning, my mother gave me new facts about my childhood rape that I didn't know at the time; it turns out my mom called a social worker and that they said there was nothing they could do about my brother because of his age at the time (he was 13) and she also told me that she found out he had been abused as a child as well. she said that she did kick him out for a while but he did eventually come back into our family; something tells me that it wasn't her decision; I think my dad made the decision himself to let my brother come live with us again after the rape. that says a lot about my asshole father! ah well, nothing I didn't already know. There would have been a time that I would have been DYING to know more about my childhood after the rape, but now, I don't let it control me anymore, after my mind-reset-breakdown-thing back in January I feel like I deserve to get pass this to let this go; it's all on my brother now, the choices he made. I just wish that someone would have helped him, maybe it would have stopped him from raping me, but that's in the past and you can never change it; all you have is your life now, and I refurse to let one moment control how I live all my others, from here on out. That felt really good though; I told my mom what I knew about self-harm (my sister is cutting herself) and what we could do to help her (however I let her know that in the end she has to help herself; you can't change until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired after all) and I was the one that offered the journal bit (writing all my feelings out helped me, maybe it can help her, I can only do what I can, you know) it felt really good to be informed about one of the darkest places humanity goes, and to at least know a little bit about helping someone overcome that. It felt good to know what to say to all the feelings my mom was releasing and to keep my control in the face of a moment I once feared (my mom actually talking to me about my abuse, or talking about abuse altogether) I am truly stronger than I think; and I think I've always been this way...I was never weak, I wonder why I thought so for all those years...
  9. oh wow yep this video is too true I had a co worker say to me "I've had family members that got over that; they don't even talk about it anymore, it's not even that big of a deal" she didn't know that "it" had affected the life right in front of her I wish people would at least think before they open their mouths; that might actually be the first step to helping others get over SA... thanks for sharing!
  10. read this and it really got to me, especially the last few sentences I've had people ask "what's wrong with you?" "who hurt you" "were you r*ped or something" "why are you scared of me" and I don't know how many of them were just jokes or if they really could like...see something in me. I'm always afraid that I'll attract creeps to me or something; that every man I come across has the potential to be evil or something. REALLY I relate to you so much from this post, I hope you feel better...
  11. Mom

    After my SA, I came downstairs (it was in the attic) and alerted my family in a way only a child can...that my abuser let me look at his "fishie" (lol whhhhy little!me, why???? more happened than "looking" anyway >_> ) and my mom went livid. I remember someone holding me and my mom going at my abuser with a baseball bat, and my dad having to hold her back. It was the first and only time she ever fought for me, or any of her children. After that little spark, I think my mom took on a demeanor of Grace or something, because she took her daughter becoming a drug addict and a stripper, and a teenage pregnancy scare in stride. The only thing I've ever seen her cry about is money and bills; maybe she thinks these are the only things she can fix at all? a "my kids are fucked up but at least I can keep 'em fed and with a roof over their head" kind of thing? I don't hate my mom; I just feel bad that she made the wrong choices she did with her children; because even if it was just her defense mechanism (she too is a victim of SA at a young age) to sit and do nothing, it really did fuck up her children's lives. I'm grateful for everything she has done for me, my sisters, and I love her. But I don't think she cares about my mental health, my relationship health (she seems happy that I'm going on 24 and have rarely dated; many a time she's asked me if I was gay "LOL THAT MUST BE THE ONLY REASON WHY MY KID'S NOT BOY CRAZY; ONLY...REASON...AT...ALL." T________________________T my face of complete apathy towards my mother's ignorance on that thought) or anything like that. She has it in her mind that she can't do anything to help me on this level, so she just ignores it. And since I feel like if my mother can't even help me, then I feel like no one can help me. Which is one of the reasons why I've never told anyone about any of this (or until this website, even write it out...) She makes me feel ashamed every time I feel bad or angry about something; she makes me feel ashamed about feeling angry towards my abuser. I've lied to her and told her I've forgiven him, but I haven't. But apparently she has because he's always around and shit; and she's given him all these chances...but just because you've forgiven him, doesn't mean I have to. I should be allowed to feel anger, to be even a tad bitter (because no one's perfect!!) about this whole shitty shit shit thing (thing, like it's just something that's there, that means nothing at all IT'S NOT A THING ITS NOT A BAD MEMORY OR SOMETHING...ITS REAL) I have a memory, I had to be at least younger than 10 because I still lived in the house the SA happened. My mother is in the kitchen, washing dishes; not even stopping what she's doing she tells me "he" wants to apologize. So I go to my room and he's sitting on my bed and he says "I'm sorry," I don't even remember if he said it like he meant it; no tears at all or anything, LIKE HE WAS SORRY HE GOT CAUGHT OR SOMETHING I say, sorry about what, because my mind is shutting down, trying not to *think*-- He gets a tad mad, I can remember hearing it in his voice, "you know about what" I don't remember if he said "what happened" or "what I did" unfortunately. I hope it wasn't "what happened" because that sounds fucking retarded... I don't remember well what I said, but I think he hugged me, I remember freezing up at a touch then I went back into the kitchen and my mom asks "what he say?" "he said he was sorry" And she's like yeah, ok see there? he's SORRY BAM STORY CLOSED THE LAST TIME THIS IS EVER BOUGHT UP WITH THE ABUSER AND MY MOTHER AT THE SAME TIME probably over 13 years ago this gives her I guess the "right" to let him come over all the time and shit and move in and out with us all the time... I love my mom, but she's a fucking idiot. I know why she is the way she is but still; so blind, so fucking ignorant of her children's mental and emotional needs I never want kids, because they would deserve this, and I don't want to let them ever have to experience what my mother gave me.
  12. Karma is quite the bitch...

    Things aren't very good right now. My 16 year old sister just announced to us that she is pregnant! She won't speak to me too much, we have never been on good terms at all so I don't even know what she wants to do. My mother is talking like we have to keep it. I don't think this is possible; me and my mom work overnights and my other sister is off moonlighting as a prostitute and drug dealer; my dad is an asshole with kids on the side of his own to deal with... WAIT. WE? So wait, you make my life hell, I'm trying to get myself together here and this is my problem? I think it's time for me to move out...for real. I owe these people nothing. They sat by and didn't handle what had happened to me and it's really starting to piss me off that they still think we're a WE. I deal with self-loathing everyday of my fucking life and for some reason the molested kid is the only one that's not fucking up their life (like there's anything left to fuck up) and all I hear is "you were the good one" "one out of three ain't bad" SO A KID HAS TO BE FUCKED UP FROM PRACTICALLY BIRTH TO BE A GOOD KID? I'm such a good actress, no one knows I'm dead inside...or that I'm trying to bring myself back to life. If there was ever a time I needed to run, it's now. No one would blame me, and I think I would be ok...but I'm literally all they have...I HAVE NOTHING, NO ONE TO DEPEND ON AND THEY HAVE THE MOST DEPENDABLE PERSON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD WHO WILL ALWAYS BE ON THEIR SIDE. NOT. FAIR. WORLD.
  13. had a weird dream last night

    I have no idea what this means: My molester (half-brother, we'll call him B for short) was there, talking to me. He knew something was wrong and was honestly trying to help me with it. It appeared that he had forgotten what he had done to me and was honestly just listening to my woes. I told him everything except the fact that he did it (my thought process was I didn't want to make him sad with this news; he had never been this nice to me before...wtf) and after I told him, I felt so GOOD, so relived. I don't know why, since I was telling it all to B in the first place. And in the dream I never told him the REAL truth. I kind of wish everyone would forget; they act like they don't remember anyway. _____________________________ And a separate, random thought on my mind: Out of all my siblings, why am I the strongest one? The one who's dealt the most shit in life is the one that's got her act together (job, planning to go back to school, kinda have my own business, planning on getting a car) and the other ones with easy lives are fucking around? I should be the one fucking around, right? At first, my middle sister was like, ahead of me. She's always had this invisible rivalry that I've been so wrapped up in my shitty childhood to even care about and then suddenly she just started fucking up; lost virginity at 12, drugs, drinking, bringing knives to school, dropping out of college, prostitution, and then that shit with B hitting on her and she didn't do anything about it... I don't want to feel like this, because it's kind of sick; but it appears what happened to me, kind of made me a stronger person? In a way...I mean I can handle a lot more shit than they can. Well, I don't know if you can call this handling...ugh, I don't know. It just feels good to get these random ass thoughts out somewhere.
  14. the last straw

    the doorbell rings around 12:30 MIDNIGHT and some drunk guy is at the door mumbling. I ask who is he looking for, and he won't tell me, so I close the door in his face. I go to try and wake up my FUCKING STUPID ASS SISTER and she won't even get up. I assume it's one of her folk or my half-brother's "customers" or something because I sure as hell don't know him. SHE WON'T EVEN GET UP. I'm freaking out, should I call the cops? Would my mom even let me call the cops? So I call my mom and she's telling me to go out there with a baseball bat and saying I'm over reacting and starts asking where the dog is!!!!!! I hand the phone to my sister and they start talking about birds falling from the sky WHAT THE FUCK my other sister went out and didn't even tell anyone where she was going so now she's out there with him. I don't hear him anymore so I guess I'm ok. My sister and mom told me it was a bad idea to call my mom but I just wanted to know if anything did go down, could I call the cops? Apparently the guy was a crackhead (so my sister says) and I didn't know what he would have done if I had went out there with a baseball bat ALONE since my other sister wouldn't even GET UP AND HELP ME. Also this guy knows everyone who is in the this house, so if I were to have done that, who's to say the guy wouldn't have come back for payback or something idk. My sisters and half brother allow just anyone in this house and my mom just doesn't give a fuck and when something weird happens (ie: this) they all just DON'T DO ANYTHING???? This place isn't safe, it's officially not a home to me, my main goal is out and future goal is to never talk to these people again
  15. wow that looks BADASS love it!