Sao19

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About Sao19

  • Birthday 09/17/1985

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. A long break.

    I've been on a very long hiatus from Pandy's and I don't think it's over yet. While I may not be living with my abuser, things aren't necessarily better because he still vicimizes me from several thousand miles away. And I have the hardest time talking about it. I have come to a crossroads where I can't even think about it anymore and I pretty much refuse to talk about it. I've just removed times and places where the discussion of my abuse comes up such as Pandy's. It just crushes me, I'm just so tired, I'm so busy raising the children and going to school. So maybe I'll be back, maybe not, I don't know yet, like I said I can't stand to think or talk about it. It's just so upsetting and I don't know how I'm going to fix things. Just living one day to the next, praying the world doesn't collapse at my feet, praying my husband doesn't come back, praying we don't have to go back to where he is-Mexico. Like I can't even read my old entries, it's too sad.
  2. I first met Armando at a night club one weekend about six years ago. A few days later we went on our first date which was quite mundane I think. Really quiet, he was really shy, not really any sparks at all now that I think about it. Shortly there after, (a few days maybe) we began a routine of me coming over, getting some take out and watching cable movies so it didn't take long at all before sex became apart of the picture. One week and a half later, we were hanging out and doing our thing and he basically starting feeding me a bunch of bull shit. "Oh I'm cold/tired/whatever" "Do you want to get under the covers?" "Oh now I'm hot, do you mind if I take off my pants?" or something just as stupid and all things led to another. At the time I didn't put two and two together until it was too late, it's like leading animal off a cliff-you keep putting treats in front of them until they eventually just fall off. I was still clothed at this point-on top of the covers and so far it was just a make out/groping session. But he slowly began removing clothing one at a time-for better percieved groping access. But then he had to fumble with the blankets since I was still on top of them, so he suggested I get under them. He slowly continued removing clothing one at a time though I only had four pieces to begin with and I was already topless, I didn't think anything of it, I'm baffled now but at the time I just....I don't know, I just didn't notice it. And then in a split second everything changed, all of a sudden my pants were off and he was on top of me and holding my hands and arms but he was still kissing me-it was a slap across the face. I thought no, I silently screamed no, I prayed no, I tried to pull my arms out of his grip, I held my legs together as tightly as I could, but he still....managed to get past that. The fact that I didn't say 'no' out loud has alway been so confusing. I was so shocked I couldn't speak much less move. I don't really care what the state has to say about whether or not it was rape since I didn't say 'no' out loud. I know it was rape now, I haven't always thought of it that way. Mostly I never think about it. The next day I told him, in person, that I don't want to have sex again and I wasn't ready, so we had our usual date night, food, movies, go home at like 3 am. The day after that I go to see him again, food, movies, then he makes his move and forces it the exact same way, once again I was just blown away. I didn't say no out loud. Does this mean I married my "third rapist?" (Two rapes by different men occurred before this) Did anyone ever read that thing, I think it's on rainn.org, about victims marrying or dating their rapists to legitimize the rape? So I'm still married to this man today and from time to time I do love him very much but there have been many more rapes since then and exhausting amounts of other violence. My love for him seems to be evaporating quickly into thin air. I'm beginning to feel exhausted by the long term effects of all this and considering counceling again and having a difficult time understanding how well I will be able to work on my issues while still in a volatile situation. I'm having a a hard time finishing this, I keep procrastinating. I don't know what else I can say. See my blog for further details reguarding the situation if you need more info.
  3. I quit the babysitting-sleeping problem solved.
  4. S.O.S

    Lalala lalala lalalalala Ohhh You know I never felt like this before Lalala lalala lalalalala Ohhh This feels like so real I'm obsessive when just one thought of you comes up And I'm agressive just one thought of close enough You got me stressing, incessantly pressing the issue cause every moment gone you know I miss you I'm the question and you're of course the answer just hold me close boy cause I'm your tiny dancer You make me shaken, I'm never mistaken But I can't control myself got me calling out for help S.O.S. please someone help me. It's not healthy for me to feel this. Y.O.U are making this hard, I can't take it see it don't feel right S.O.S. please someone help me. It's not healthy for me to feel this. Y.O.U are making this hard, you got me tossing and turning i can't sleep at night This time please someone come and rescue me Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me, love is testing me, but still i'm losing it This time please someone come and rescue me cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me, got the best of me, so now I'm losing it Just your presence and I second-guess my sanity Yes, it's a lesson, it's unfair, you stole my vanity My tummy's up in knots so when I see you I get so hot My common sense is out the door can't seem to find the lock Take me (uh huh) you know inside you feel it right Take me on I'ma put desire in your arms tonight I'm out with you, ya got me head over heels Boy you keep me hanging on the way you make me feel S.O.S. please someone help me. Its not healthy for me to feel this. Y.O.U are making this hard, you got me tossing and turning i can't sleep at night This time please someone come and rescue me Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me lookin for the rest of me, love is testing me, but still i'm losing it This time please someone come and rescue me cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me, got the best of me, so now I'm losing it Boy you know you got me feeling open And boy your love's enough with words unspoken I said boy I'm telling you, you got me open I don't know what to do it's true I'm going crazy over you I'm begging S.O.S. please somebody help me. It's not healthy for me to feel this. Y.O.U are making this hard, you got me tossing and turning i can't sleep at night This time please someone come and rescue me Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me lookin' for the rest of me, love is testing me, but still I'm losing it This time please someone come and rescue me cause you on my mind it's got me losing it I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me, got the best of me, so now I'm losing it Lalala lalala lalalala Ohhh Ohh ohh lalala lalala lalalalala ohhh ohh ohh Rihanna
  5. Umbrella

    You have my heart And we'll never be worlds apart Maybe in magazines But you'll still be my star Baby ?cause in the dark You can't see shiny cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because When the sun shines, we?ll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be a friend Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we'll still have each other You can stand under my umbrella You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh) These fancy things, will never come in between You're part of my entity, here for infinity When the war has took it's part When the world has dealt it's cards If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart Because When the sun shines, we?ll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be a friend Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we'll still have each other You can stand under my umbrella You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh) You can run into my arms It's okay don't be alarmed Come here to me There's no distance in between our love So go on and let the rain pour I'll be all you need and more Because When the sun shines, we?ll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be a friend Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we'll still have each other You can stand under my umbrella You can stand under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (Ella ella, eh eh eh, eh eh eh) It's raining Ooh baby it's raining Baby come here to me Come here to me It's raining Ooh baby it's raining You can always come here to me Come here to me It?s pouring rain It?s pouring rain Come here to me Come here to me Rihanna
  6. My Immortal

    I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me, me, me Evanessance
  7. Bring Me to Life

    How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back home Wake me up (Wake me up inside) I can't wake up (Wake me up inside) Save me (Call my name and save me from the dark) Wake me up (Bid my blood to run) I can't wake up (Before I come undone) Save me (Save me from the nothing I've become) Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life Wake me up (Wake me up inside) I can't wake up (Wake me up inside) Save me (Call my name and save me from the dark) Wake me up (Bid my blood to run) I can't wake up (Before I come undone) Save me (Save me from the nothing I've become) I've been living a lie There's nothing inside Bring me to life Frozen inside without your touch Without your love, darling Only you are the life among the dead All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without thought, without voice, without a soul Don't let me die here There must be something more Bring me to life Wake me up (Wake me up inside) I can't wake up (Wake me up inside) Save me (Call my name and save me from the dark) Wake me up (Bid my blood to run) I can't wake up (Before I come undone) Save me (Save me from the nothing I've become) I've been living a lie There's nothing inside Bring me to life Evanessance
  8. Losing My Grip

    Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now I feel invisible to you Like I'm not real Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you? Why'd you turn away? Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there Waitin' outside there Grinnin' with a lost stare That's when I decided Why should I care? 'Cuz you weren't there When I was scared I was so alone You, you need to listen I'm startin' to trip I'm losin' my grip And I'm in this thing Alone Am I just some chick You placed beside you To take somebody's place? When you turn around Can you recognize my face? You used to love me You used to hug me But that wasn't the case Everything wasn't okay I was left to cry there Waitin' outside there Grinnin' with a lost stare That's when I decided Why should I care? 'Cuz you weren't there When I was scared I was so alone You, you need to listen I'm startin' to trip I'm losin' my grip And I'm in this thing alone Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out, loud Cryin' out loud I'm cryin' out Open your eyes Open up wide Why should I care? 'Cuz you weren't there When I was scared I was so alone Why should I care? 'Cuz you weren't there When I was scared I was so alone Why should I care? If you don't care Then I don't care We're not goin' anywhere Why should I care? 'Cuz you weren't there When I was scared I was so alone Why should I care? If you don't care Then I don't care We're not goin' anywhere Avril Lavine
  9. Complicated

    Uh huh Life's like this Uh huh, uh huh That's the way it is 'Cause life's like this Uh huh, uh huh That's the way it is Chill out, what you yellin' for? Lay back, it's all been done before And if, you could only let it be You will see I like, you the way you are When we're drivin' in your car And you're, talkin' to me one on one But you become Somebody else 'Round everyone else Your watchin' your back Like you can't relax You tryin' to be cool You look like a fool to me Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else Gets me frustrated Life's like this you You fall and you crawl and you break And you take what you get, and you turn it into Honestly, you promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it No no no You come over unannounced Dressed up, like you're somethin' else Where you are ain't where it's at you see You're makin' me Laugh out, when you strike a pose Take off, all your preppy clothes You know, you're not foolin' anyone When you become Somebody else 'Round everyone else Your watchin' your back Like you can't relax You tryin' to be cool You look like a fool to me Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else Gets me frustrated Life's like this you You fall and you crawl and you break And you take what you get, and you turn it into Honestly, you promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it No no no (No no no) No no (No no no) No no (No no no) No no Ooh, chill out, what you yellin' for? Lay back, it's all been done before And if you could only let it be You will see Somebody else 'Round everyone else Your watchin' your back Like you can't relax You tryin' to be cool You look like a fool to me Tell me Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else Gets me frustrated Life's like this, you You fall and you crawl and you break And you take what you get, and you turn it into Honestly, you promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it No no Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? (Yea yea) I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else Gets me frustrated Life's like this you You fall and you crawl and you break And you take what you get, and you turn it into Honestly, you promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it No no no Avril Lavine
  10. I'm With You

    I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night I'm tryin' to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I'm, I'm with you I'm with you Hmm hmm hmm I'm looking for a place I'm searching for a face Is anybody here I know? 'Cause nothing's going right And everything's a mess And no one likes to be alone Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night I try to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I'm, I'm with you I'm with you Yea yea Oh, why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeah Yea yee yea, yea eee yeah,yeah It's a damn cold night Tryin' to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I'm, I'm with you, yea I'm with you, yea Take me by the hand Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I'm, I'm with you, yea I'm with you, yea Take me by the hand Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I'm, I'm with you, oh I'm with you I'm with you Avril Lavine
  11. My Happy Ending

    (Oh, oh, oh, oh) So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh) Lets talk this over It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something you said? Don't leave me hanging In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be You were everything, everything That I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be But we lost it All of our memories so close to me Just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) You've got your dumb friends I know what they say They tell you I'm difficult But so are they But they don't know me Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me All the stuff that you do? You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be You were everything, everything That I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be But we lost it All of our memories so close to me Just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done He was everything, everything That I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be But we lost it All of the memories so close to me Just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending You were everything, everything That I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be But we lost it All of the memories so close to me Just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) So much for my happy ending (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) (Oh, oh, oh, oh) Avril Lavine
  12. Youth of the Nation

    Last day of the rest of my life I wish I would have known 'cause I'd have kissed my Momma goodbye I didn't tell her that I loved her or how much I cared or thank my Pops for all the talks and all the wisdom he shared Unaware I just did what I always do Everyday the same routine before I skate off to school But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest Instead of takin' the test I took two to the chest Call me blind but I didn't see it comin' and Everybody was runnin' but I couldn't Hear nothin except gun blast it happened so fast I didn't really know this kid though I sat by him in class May be this kid was reachin' out for love or May be for a moment he forgot who he was or May be this kid just wanted to be hugged Whatever it was I know it's because We are we are (We are) The youth of the nation We are we are (We are) Youth of the nation We are we are (We are) The youth of the nation We are we are (We are) Youth of the nation Little Suzzie she was only twelve She was given the world with every chance to excel Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell She might act kind a proud but no respect for herself She finds love in all the wrong places The same situations but different faces Changed up her pace since her daddy left her Too bad he never told her she deserved much better Johnny boy always played the fool He broke all the rules so you would think he was cool He was never really one of the guys No matter how hard he tried With the thought of suicide It's kind a hard when you ain't got no friends He put his life to an end they might remember him then You cross a line and there is no turnin' back He told the world how he felt with the sound of a gat We are we are (We are) The youth of the nation We are we are (We are) Youth of the nation We are we are (We are) The youth of the nation We are we are (We are) Youth of the nation Who's to blame for the life that tragedies claim? No matter what you say it won't take away the pain That I feel inside I'm tired of all the lies Don't nobody know Why it's the blind leadin' the blind? Guess that's the way that the story goes Will it ever make sense somebody's gotta know There's gotta be more to life than this There's got to be more to everythin' I thought exists We are we are The youth of the nation We are we are Youth of the nation We are we are (We are we are) The youth of the nation We are we are (We are we are) Youth of the nation We are we are (We are we are) Youth of the nation (Youth of the nation) We are we are (We are we are) Youth of the nation (Youth of the nation) We are we are (We are we are) Youth of the nation (Youth of the nation) We are we are (We are we are) Youth of the nation (Youth of the nation) We are Youth of the nation We are Youth of the nation We are Youth of the nation We are P.O.D.
  13. No Giving Up

    So you found out today your life's not the same Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but When you were just getting in the groove Now you're faced with something new And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn But you never gave up this easily before So why do you choose today to give it all away Well it's not so bad y'all Together we all fall Just as long we get up we'll stand tall We shouldn't waste another day Thinking 'bout the things that we forgot to say I'm hittin' back y'all Kickin' these four walls Just as hard as I can til I can't crawl I won't waste another day With all these silly things Swimmin' in my brain [Chorus] There's no giving up now Do you really want to give this all away Can't you ever see things in a different way Somedays No giving up now Such a beautiful thing to throw away You should think things through Over and over again All over again So your scars fade away You soaked up the pain A better person 'cause you lived through those days And now you know what it's like to prove You can overcome anything that gets to you Well it's alright We're sayin' our goodbyes To the past and everything that ain't right We won't waste another day With all these silly things in our way [Chorus] I know we have given All that we can give When there's nothing to lean on Well, I remember this All we make of this lifetime Is always here within And remembering that's why We should never give in [Chorus] There's no giving up now Crossfade
  14. Someday

    Someday I'll talk about it, One day I'll mention it to you. Someday I'll be over this, And strong like you I'm never changing, I can feel this way for days and days Look you straight in the face and fake my smile. Take this hurt away, Bring back yesterday, I could say sorry, In a thousand ways, You won't let this be, Without cutting me, Can't put this bottle down, As I watch this day fade into night My blessings, My faults, I've learned all the lessons, That cannot be taught, Any abuses, That I've brought, No more excuses, I want a new start. With all our lies There's no wondering why Things aren't working anymore Now I'm feeling fine, Flying higher, Got the chance to start again. My blessings, My faults, I've learned all the lessons, That cannot be taught, Any abuses, That I've brought, No more excuses, I want a new start. Someday I'll talk about it, One day I'll mention it to you. Someday I'll be over this, And move on like you, move on like you. I'm ready to go Ready to leave Why don't you answer the radio. Ready to go, Just watch me leave, So hard to see, When I'm on my way down Crossfade
  15. Dead Skin

    So I'm the king of all these things Of this mess I have made Such a waste, what a shame My whole life is a fake Well I'm a bore And I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you That has torn at you for years The alcohol The Demerol These things never could replace What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face I'm a bore And I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you That has torn at me for years I can't get out of this dead skin (I can't shed my skin) And I'm not sure where to begin I can't get under my dead skin (I can't shed my skin) Can I sleep 'til then? Phenobarbital and alcohol These two surely will do To knock me out Keep me down at least a day or two When I'm awake I can taste, how bitter I've become And it's more than I can bare some days I pray someone will blow me away Make it quick, but let it burn So I can feel my life fade Well, I'm a waste and I can taste, how bitter I've become And it's more than I can bare I can't get out of this dead skin (I can't shed my skin) And I'm not sure where to begin (Why can't I begin again) I can't get under my dead skin (I can't shed my skin) Can I sleep 'til then? I can't get out of this dead skin And I'm not sure where to begin I can't get under my dead skin Can I sleep 'til then? I can't get out of this dead skin (I can't shed my skin) And I'm not sure where to begin (Why can't I begin again) I can't get under my dead skin (I can't shed my skin) Can I sleep 'til then? Crossfade