artemis618

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About artemis618

  • Birthday 06/18/1991

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Indiana
  1. ((((misshannah))) if okay. I understand having those conflicting feelings. You want to stand up for your partner even when they hurt you but at the same time you feel like you shouldn't. I've been struggling with this for awhile now. I"m here if you ever want to PM. Take care. And you're amazing for being able to speak about what you've been through.
  2. Does It Ever End?

    8 years. I've been a victim since I was 13 years old. And it hasn't stopped. Different guys, different situations, different ways to cope or not cope. It's getting to a point where I want to leave my boyfriend because he knows what's happened to me. I want to be with someone who doesn't see my hurt. Doesn't see my darkness because I feel like that's all he sees. If I look sad, he just tells me not to think about what happened or just smile because at least my PTSD is only apparent in the fall. I just want to be someone else.
  3. I thought it would help..

    So I decided to listen to everyone and "take responsibility for my actions and the unfortunate consequences they have had". This meant that I would blame myself for all the times I've been attacked. I thought it would help if I said that it just made a mistake instead of admitting that I've been assaulted and raped.. My ex (one of my attackers) talked to me about it and he said he was proud of me for coming to my senses. Because of him I should have had a one year old child, but thankfully I miscarried about a month into my pregnancy. He told me that it was time to realize that it's happened to me over and over again because I'm too trusting and put myself out there. I don't feel any better, but I don't know what else to do ...
  4. Park Bench

    Today, I decided to sit at the bench under a tree after my class. Even though the day was cold, I just wanted to stop and look at the leaves in their beautiful shades of gold and crimson. Even though it's almost the three year anniversary of my attack, I found myself smiling at the beautiful cool autumn day. Then he sat down next to me. I did not know this man. He looked to be my age in his gray jacket with chesnut hair slightly mussed from the light breeze. My hands were shaking. We made eye contact for a second and he gave me a smile. I thought I was going to throw up. Just another boy seeing a pretty girl. But it's what they do to a girl that scares me. They always look harmless but they are all capable of hurting me.
  5. It Hurts Too Much

    My most recent abuser was my ex boyfriend. But I fell in love with him and I'm still in love with him. We weren't doing so well and broke up about 7 months ago. My feelings haven't changed and I still love him and want to be with him more than anything. He wanted to continue to stay friends but I said I couldn't do that while I still loved him. He promised when he was ready to date again that I could have another chance. Now he's been seeing other girls and telling me about it. And today he told me that he misses me and I thought that maybe we could work things out since I'm miserable without him. But then he goes and tells me that he can barely even look at me because all he thinks about is how he hurt me. I've forgiven him for sexually assaulting me, but he won't forgive me for leaving me.. I need advice because I don't know what else to do. This hurts so much that I can barely stand it.
  6. A Letter To My Ex

    To: A Sorry Excuse for a Human Being You are a weak, pathetic hypocrite! I hate you! You always want to play the victim but God forbid that you have to look in the mirror and confess to what you’ve done to make this relationship fail. I am not the only person capable of making mistakes but someday you’ll finally realize that I’m hurting too! For over a year now because of what YOU did to me! Do you not understand that I loved you enough to try and make things work? That I did everything possible to forget that you hurt me in the worst way imaginable? No. The only thing that matters is that I broke up with you. Don’t worry about ever admitting that you did wrong. Because I’m done. I will not keep catering to the ego of a whiny, gutless, hypocritical piece of filth like you. It’s men like you that have ruined my life. I’ve wasted two years on you and I refuse to continue to waste my breath on trying to make you see reason. Blame goes both ways. Try taking responsibility for your actions then maybe you’ll stop being a worthless piece of garbage. You are not a man, nor will you ever be. No man would ever rape someone he loved. I’m tired of you and your empty words. I’m done with the lies, the pity parties, and the lovely sessions of pointing out every flaw and mistake that you have seen in me. Have a nice life, I want nothing to do with it ever again. Sincerely, Rachel
  7. Congrats! Those are huge accomplishments and I hope things keep looking up for you!
  8. Do I Have the Right to Be So Angry?

    Yesterday, my friends decided to pull a prank on me. I was in the shower at the my dorm and they moved my towel. This wasn't where I got upset. They decided to film in on one of their laptops . I slipped in the shower and the curtain moved back and they got footage of me naked on their video. Finally when I got out of the shower and covered I went to the room where they were and demanded that the delete it. I was never so humiliated. They told me that we needed to watch it despite my pleading just to delete it. They watched the video twice before deleting it. I can't remember being this upset in a long time. I feel so disgusting and violated. Now I can't use the showers in my dorm, I have to drive to a friend's apartment where the bathroom has a lock. I can't be near my friends or even look at them without crying from anger and just being so upset. Am I overreacting at this prank or am I allowed to be this upset?
  9. Thank you Believe
  10. It's Been A Long Time

    It's been a long time since I logged on to Pandys. It's been a long time since I wrote a blog. It's been a long time since I've been alright. I've been seeing a T at the school I go to. I thought it was helping but I feel like I'm getting worse. I hardly eat or sleep. I don't sleep because I'm afraid of nightmares. I can't drive around town without having a memory, flashback, or actually feel like I'm reliving the times when I was attacked. I have to work so hard everyday just so smile and be okay. To not show everyone I'm not hurting. Two years have passed but it doesn't feel like it's been more than a week. I feel like I've lost hope that things will get better. That they'll just be like this forever.
  11. I feel the exact same way. You want everything to just go away but you know it won't so you start getting angry. Even though you know it won't help or do anything, you're just so angry at everything. I'm stuck in this same stage, and I feel like it's never going to end. But it has to, doesn't it? That anger will always be there but eventually it will be less.
  12. Every time I start to heal, someone else comes along and hurts me. I feel like I'm trapped in this cycle. It keeps happening over and over and I feel so hopeless.
  13. I thought I loved him. And I think a part of me did. I trusted him with the truth about my past and all the times that I was hurt and abused and used. He said he loved me but he didn't! He just became another name to my list of men who have hurt me. I stood up for him, I was there was no one else was. I kept his secrets and his past hurt and helped him heal. But he couldn't do the same for me. He made me leave my boyfriend at the time and convinced me that he was my friend and would help me through the break up but he only did it because he wanted me. Within days he was taking off my clothes and trying to go further, but I told him I wasn't ready. I even told him that I wasn't ready to date. That's when he became controlling. He would text me all day seeing where I was. We lived in the same dorm so he always had me come stay in his room and would guilt me for being with my friends or wanting to sleep in my own bed. He yelled at me for texting my ex, even though my ex and I were really good friends. He started saying really nasty things about my ex and I would tell me to stop and he started putting me down. I came home for Christmas break and spent some time with my ex making sure my ex was okay. But it got to a point where I had to lie about spending time with my ex. It was the time apart where I began to see that this guy I thought I loved wasn't who I thought he was. He would talk back to his parents and constantly criticize me for being stupid and naive about people. And how true it was. After break, I knew that I loved him but I didn't want to be with him. I couldn't be with someone that I didn't trust or respect. Things started to go bad at this point. He already hit me but always played it off as "rough-housing", it was just fun. But I was in his room and told him that I wouldn't date him, he pushed me onto his bed and decided that I had been enough of a tease. We were making out and I told him that I didn't want to have sex but he told me that I did. I have a trigger spot on my left hip and I told him, he touched it and I began to cry but he wouldn't stop until his roommate texted him and told him he was coming back. Finally he started to understand that I was still in love with my ex. The hitting got worse, to where the bruises lasted for weeks. He would grab my arm and start yelling at me about how much I was hurting him. He tell me that I was crazy and that no one could ever care about me because there was something wrong with me. He would list my faults in front of everyone at work or whoever was around. It became so bad one night that I left his room crying so hard that I coughed up blood, and he told all of his friends and they teased me about it when they saw me. He kept telling me that he wanted to be friends and I tried. I tried so desperately because I hated the fact that I hurt him. My ex and I got back together and he was trying to cause problems for me and my boyfriend. He cornered me at work one day and told me that I was going to leave my boyfriend for him and that there were rules for when I came crawling back to him. First rule was that I was never allowed to talk to my boyfriend. Second rule was that I had to wait for him to decide when we could date. Third rule was that there were certain friends of mine that I would hang out with less because he didn't like them. Fourth rule was that we didn't have to wait 3 months to have sex. That was the last straw. But I stayed friends with him because I was one of the only friends he had. I did end up realizing that I couldn't do this. That I was trapped in this abusive friendship. When I told him that I couldn't be friends until he calmed down several times before, he would stop eating and become depressed until I came back to him and did everything I could to fix it. But two months ago, I ended the friendship. My dream is to live in New York City. I told him and another friend of ours this at work on day and he told me that I would never last. He said that I was too nice and that was my biggest fault. I told him that I didn't think it was a fault at all. He then said that I'm just asking to get raped. I asked him to stop, he knows about my past. He looked at me and said "What? You've never been actually raped. Walking in New York, you'll probably get raped 5 times on your way home. Then you'll have a reason to be upset." My friend asked him to stop. I told him again that there is nothing wrong with trusting people and thinking that they're good. Then he told me that I deserve to get raped. I was raped about three weeks prior to that conversation. I went to my room and cried for three hours and had a panic attack. I couldn't eat or sleep for days. And all he had to say to me afterwards was that he was sorry I reacted that way but someone has to tell me the truth, that he was only trying to protect me. It was then that I realized I needed to protect myself from him. I don't deserve to be hit, kicked, bullied, manipulated, or constantly put down. He's still trying to reconnect with me as friends. Please give me support and advice to stay strong and not cave again.
  14. I need to stop being hurt

    I'm at the point where when I look back on everything that has happened to me, I want to crawl away and just lay there until the Earth stops spinning. I feel useless where somedays I can't even get out of bed to shower or eat. I'm tired of being the victim. Is there a point where you just reach a point of anger and hate then heal? Or will I always feel abused, violated, and worthless?
  15. It's Time To Tell The Truth

    Last night I told my friend J everything that has happened to me. I've never told anyone else about all the bad things that happened to me. It actually felt really good to talk about all the times I've been hurt, used, or abused. I haven't told my parents about all the other times I've been attacked other than the most recent, because my school and the police were involved. When I was in the seventh grade, this guy who went to school with my friend's mom took interest in me. He called me at least 6 times a day and would e-mail countlessly. I was about 13 and he was 23. He would wait til everyone left the room and pin me on the couch and tickle me, always lifting up my shirt and telling me how beautiful I was and how I looked so much older than I was. Then suddenly he stopped going to my friend's house and he stopped trying to contact me after a few months. My friend's mom told me that she told him never to talk to me again because she overheard him talking explicitly about me and saying he knew when my parents left and how I was home alone alot. Then when I was in the 8th grade, two friends of mine took turns sexually harassing me. One of them soon gave up because he realized that I wouldn't have sex with him. Although he continued to make sexual comments and grope me when he had the chance. It was his best friend that tormented me for three years. G would tell him how ugly I was and how he was only friends with me because I was easy. I had never even kissed a boy at this point. He would harass me online and call me and threaten me. Then after school he waited to walk me to the bus in my freshman year and threw me against the locked ripped at my shirt, groped my breast, and told me that I had "big boobs and a nice ass but other than that you're one of the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen". I developed a panic disorder after that. When I turned 16, my best friend's older brother who was 21, got me drunk because he wanted to sleep with me. He realized how scared I was after he pinned me down in a field and took me back to the place where I was staying. But continued to tell me that he was going to wait til I lost my virginity because then I wouldn't keep holding out on him. The worst time was last year, my senior year in high school. I became friends with a new boy in my class. That was the biggest mistake of my life. He asked me to come over one day after school to hang out. I told him that I would try. He knew I had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in him even if he did like me. B told me that his mom was home. She wasn't. I told him that I wanted to go to the park. He kept touching me and I told him not to. I forgot my purse in his apartment. So we went back to get it and he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the bedroom and locked the door. He pushed me down on the bed and laid on top of me so I couldn't move. B kept kissing my neck and grabbing my chest, pulling my shirt up and playing with my waistband. Then he put all his weight on me and tried taking off my clothes. His mom's boyfriend walked in and I was able to move enough to get up after he left the room. B followed me and shoved me on the couch and wouldn't let me move until my mom called my cell phone asking me when she was supposed to pick me up. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me and accused me of cheating on him. I told him the truth and he apologized but still refuses to believe that it wasn't my fault. B stalked me after that first incident. He came into my work and would fondle me and make obscene comments all the time. One week after his first attempt he followed me to the local library and asked me to talk with him. So I went to the parking lot and he asked me to get into his car. I refused and walked to the park across the street. When we got there he wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to run when he tried to undo my pants and he laughed and chased me down and tackled me to the ground and started kissing my neck. Finally he let me up. I went to his car to grab my jacket and he tried to push me into the backseat and said he would drive me to the library to wait til my mom came. I said no but B pushed me into the front seat and locked the doors. He wouldn't let me out even after we got there. I called my mom and asked her to hurry and he began to fondle me and tried to climb over the seat on top of me when my mom finally got there. I started yelling at him to unlock the doors and ran to my mom. I still didn't tell her. After that he left school and began threatening to kill me. He would park in the parking lot and work and wait for me to get off. It wasn't until he threatened to come over to my house one night and "finish what he started" did I realize that I couldn't keep being nice to him. I finally told my friend what was happening and she told another close friend and a teacher overheard what was going on. The police got involved and I was forced to tell my parents. But I lied on my report so I wouldn't have to press charges because in my mind I still didn't want to hurt him even though the pain he put me through was unbearable. I saw him months later and the pain overwhelmed me so much that I attempted to overdose on the 4th of July because I couldn't stand seeing him and watching him follow me around again. So now I have serious trust issues, problems eating and sleeping, and I no longer consider physical connections with guys as anything special like I used to. I still have yet to tell my parents about everything I went through because I'm not allowed to talk about what happened to me because it's too painful. I just want all the hurt that I've been through to go away. I can't stand being in so much pain all the time.. I'm tired of the pain attacks, the nightmares, the flashbacks. I want my life back.