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  • Birthday 04/07/1963

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    Rockhounding, looking for gold. Wanna chase tornadoes. Melissa Etheridge.
  1. Night rambling

    Almost 2am. At least it's the weekend. Dogs will be up by 6 am. Will feed, let 'em out, hopefully will go back and crash. Just want get my "get out of jail free card". Been a long time coming. Way too tired right now. sorry I can't think of more. Be back maybe later, tomorrow.
  2. Silent all these years

    Never spoke out loud what I said in detail in therapy today. 37 years in it's debut. Wouldn't stop, even as I faded away. Tried to stay focused despite the "lightning bolts/jolts." So lightheaded when we ended and I stood up. Gave my forehead a knot and bruise due to holding my head so tight. Didn't realize til I got home and looked in the mirror. Was like... "WTF" where did that come from?! T referred me to a psychiatrist to hopefully decrease the physical panic symptoms... I literally tremble inside and out. If anyone notices it, I pass it off as a side effect of a med for sleep apnea. No matter how much I try to cope in unhealthy ways, I gotta see this thru. No end of the tunnel in sight yet, but there's no U-turns allowed. I have to take the power away from my PREDATOR. No other word for someone who preys on kids. Were you so pathetic, you couldn't pick up someone your own age? ... or you just a F*ing sadist, getting off on hurting innocent kids? Did that happen to you when you were young? Trying to take back the power from your abuser in a twisted way? You just made it be like it was no big deal. Only it was pure evil masked in "being gentle" until w/o another word you physically ripped me apart w/o a care in the world. Left me screaming inside, but silent on the outside for so long.
  3. Still no rest....

    P.M.... still tired, but sleep is elusive. Stay awake or endure nightmares that jolt me (literally) from my sleep. I miss my buddy, wish I could just hold her. Starting to feel lame, which way is forward? Just wanna go away for awhile <NO NOT SUICIDAL> Don't wanna feel. To feel is to hurt...to hurt is to feel. Which is worse?? Why didn't anyone hear the silent child screaming? Silenced by fear. So now I grit and grind my teeth until dawn, my pain meds don't dull the pain. Psychic or somatic, or both? What the F*? I hurt physically and emtionally. All I want is some peace and quiet.
  4. No rest for the weary...

    Never got to sleep today, even tho I took off work. Boss had asked me about my PTSD... told me he had been thru a hurricane, a coup in Haiti, blah blah... won't tell him my stuff except it reared it's ugly head recently, and I'm seeing a therapist. Not supposed to be vulnerable in my work. Just to need to chill. If only they knew, but they will never know. Still worried about tomorrow, what it may bring up and out, cuz I still have to go back to work after the session. Wanna self-medicate, but won't cuz I know I'll still feel like sh*t when it ends. Wanna just be held and let me know I'll be OK. Never had that from someone who supposedly cared about me... was even called a pervert for wanting intimacy. F* this ride, I want to get off it. "E-ticket" from h*ll, this ain't no Disney ride. Even knowing I'll get thru it, I still feel weakened. F* that power and strength that was taken so long ago. What the F* goes thru the head of a perp as he hurts a child? How can anyone be so selfish??? Ain't like eating all the biscuits at the dinner table. ... so this is my mental health day, so far. May add more later.
  5. Mental health day...

    Taking a mental health day off from work today. Didn't sleep much last night. Woke up bleary eyed and ragged out. Some apprehension about therapy tomorrow... having to deal with the most disturbing stuff. Perp's voice resonates in my head like a jackhammer. Hoping he has died, only so he would never hurt another child. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. Never knew who he was... I tell myself it was better that it was a stranger than someone who was supposed to care about me. I know I have to deal with it, otherwise it will consume me. Gotta take back the power and control (I never had then.) He doesn't have to be a destructive force in my life (anymore.) I look out my window and see the snow-capped mountains. So peaceful. Could just stare for hours. But I am so tired, might just crawl under the covers and think of someone safe holding me tight. The mountains will still be there to soothe, especially at sunset. God bless pollution (!) and the beautiful colors it makes in the sky at sunrise and sunset. Gotta keep moving on, even though it hurts physically and emotionally. It's now or never. Never is not a viable option... never can kill. I look at my dogs resting peacefully... wish I had their life!
  6. Thanks. Hope you are doing OK.
  7. Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush... "Don't Give Up" Don't give up 'cause you have friends Don't give up You're not the only one Don't give up No reason to be ashamed Don't give up You still have us Don't give up now We're proud of who you are Don't give up You know it's never been easy Don't give up 'cause I believe there's the a place There's a place where we belong I believe in you.
  8. Stressed, but hanging in there

    So the dentist told me today my toothache (ouch) is caused by me grinding my teeth at night. Didn't tell him that's because I have nightmares. Joked it off as that my warranty on my body expired back when I turned 40. Haven't had the high anxiety the past day or two. Looking forward, but also scared of doing EMDR about what's most disturbing w/ my therapist at the end of the week. Been there, has helped years ago. Gotta just keep pushing on. My sense of humor is my strength. Hoping the best for my buddy who is having a hard time. Gonna "cowgirl up" for now.