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About by.the.ocean

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  1. Thank you. Guess I am just desperate for something (anything) to change. I really appreciate your support. x
  2. Nobody Sees (**trigger**)

    Things are so confusing at the moment. I want nothing more than to be able to vanish from this life. To melt away into the very air, and never have to feel anything, ever again. Good, bad, and everything in between. Enough already. I know I am still young, and have so much life left to live. It's not as though I don't appreciate all that life has offered me. Not like I don't understand that there are countless people who would probably exchange lives with me in a second. My life is not all that bad. But my head - my god - my brain.... I cannot cope with the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings that seem so overwhelming that they rule my each and every moment. I have no actual plans for suicide... I'm just at a point where I don't know how to keep coping. The exhaustion is too much to cope with. I can't cry. I can't get angry. All I seem to be able to do is keep going forwards, like some sort of demented robotic girl. Deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Thanks for reading. ocean x
  3. Thank you Your words mean a lot & I really appreiciate them & you.
  4. Thank you for your reply missophelia. Your words are very comforting and it really helped to know and be reminded that other people can and do survive these difficult times and feelings, and that I will too. I spoke to my t about how I have been feeling over the past week and she was really great, as always. Over the course of the session she helped me see, by getting me to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings, that it appears I have (finally!!) started to grieve for everything I lost at the hands of my rapist. I am sad, for me. That is hard to write and even harder to read back, let alone acknowledge, but I know that it's the truth. I am sad about what he did to me. Something shifted while I was in t. I still feel the same way as I did, but the desperation is not as intense. I feel more able to sit with these feelings now and think that while the next however long is going to be incredibly hard, at least I feel like I am finally on the road to a better place. I am finally going somewhere, not trapped in between the rape and healing. I am healing.
  5. May you be satisfied to never know why.

    **Trigger Warning - R/SUI** This afternoon I have a t session, in about 2.5 hrs in fact. All week I have been holding myself together with whatever I could find. I couldn't say what it was that got me from Monday to today - just one step at a time and eventually I reached the end of the week. It has been a terrible, awful week. Horrible. Deep breath....... and out again. I want to tell my t everything about how I am feeling, about how our last session has thrown me headlong into what I can only describe as suicidal despair. How I just want to give up and go. Leave all the pain behind. How acknowledging and owning the feelings that are left behing after the rape is more than I know how to handle right now. They aren't mine, I shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this. It's not fair. Sorry this is such a horrible post for anyone who reads. I just need to do something with all of these thoughts and am not sure I'll have the guts to tell my t this afternoon and if I don't tell her, and don't get any of it out before I go, it'll be so much worse after. Maybe I should just quit t. It only brings up things that cause so much pain that I end up feeling this way. I was better off before I was in t again. Maybe it was a state of denial, but it didn't involve this terrible pain that I actually cannot function with. I can't concentrate, can't sleep, eat. I just go through the motions of a day, pretending that everything is fine and smiling at the right moments but it's not even like a facade anymore, it's less than that. There is a song that rings really true for me right now. It goes....... She died with her arms stretched out, She died with a hungry mouth, She died with a mind full of doubt, And thoughts of weakening. So may your rivers never dry, And may your mouth never lie, And may you be satisfied to never know why, Sometimes someone just wants to die. Part of me is telling myself to pull myself together. The other part doesn't care. I'm really sorry this is such a nasty depressing post.
  6. Confusion

    Trigger Warning. Feeling extremely fragile at the moment, as though I could shatter at any second. Perhaps it's because I'm ill that I'm feeling a bit more delicate than usual. At the same time though, I feel like I cannot be touched. Not like I am strong, but like I am far away, almost in a state of disconnection or dissociation (is that even possible for long periods of time?) and out of harms way. Disjointed is probably the best word to describe it. I'm not distressed about feeling this way, but I wish I was moving somewhere. Forwards, backwards, sideways. Anywhere, just somewhere. Perhaps that is the point for me - I must sit with my feelings. Sit with them and look at them and acknowledge them as real true feelings that exist. REALLY SEE THEM. I'm scared to do that. Afraid to see them for what they are because that means looking into the very deepest parts of me and actually accepting what I find. Accepting the parts of me that betrayed me that night. ACKNOWLEDGING & ACCEPTING. What ARE the parts of me that betrayed myself? 1. The parts that closed down mentally and went away? Could I have fought back if that hadn't happened? 2. The parts that caused me to freeze up and not fight back? Would anything have been different if I had? 3. The parts that caused my body to temporarily enjoy what he was doing? To actually enjoy his sick game? 4. The parts that did not tell? Still do not tell. 5. The parts that blame me for what HE DID? 6. Some, or all of the above? I don't even know where to begin with all of this. I wish so much I could cry. Everything would be so much better if I could cry.
  7. Lost|Clarity

    I need to write about my t session yesterday. It was a strange session because I felt so distant for so much of the time, yet I was talking about thing so close to my bones that I felt like being sick. We were talking about 'feeling' feelings, and what it means and what it is like to really feel emotions in your body. My body. What it means and what it entails. I was talking about how I think I live in my head much of the time, not my body. How it was something that came up a lot when I was in t previously, and that a lot of time was spent on trying to get my to embody my feelings and really experience them. During the session, S got me to see that I actually AM feeling my feelings, I am embodying my emotions and having the physical bodily reactions that one would and should have to go along with the thoughts and psychological reactions to emotive events. Things that should make you feel. I felt very confused during the session. Like I didn't know myself. Like I had been shown to be terribly wrong about something that I thought only I knew about in the first place. Like I didn't even known what was going on for me. Like S had uncovered part of my secrets that I didn't even realise I had been keeping secret from myself. I am in denial of the fact that I am feeling. I am refusing to acknowledge the fact that I FEEL. I don't want to feel. I think the total assault on my mind and body, and the way that my feelings are interconnected between my mind and body, and what happened to that connection when I was r*ped means that I shut off my feelings and closed the connection between my mind and body, as well as just shutting my mind down. But maybe now this connection is coming back, (or has come back and I have not noticed or refused to acknowledge it)? I am not really mentally acknowledging and/or accepting that it is there because.... why? Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I am out of practice at recognising it when it for what it is. Maybe it is just a process of gradually learning to reconnect my mind and body and learning to trust the connection between the two... but I need to start living in my mind AND body again. But then what? What comes next? Why should I learn to reconnect the two? What are the benefits? More importantly, what are the possible dangers? Why am I assessing this like it is a piece of work, something objective and external. Something with no real consequence to anyone, far less me personally? Do I find it easier to deal with this when I CAN disconnect? Is it too much to handle when I am connected? I think not, because I can sit in t session and hold thoughts, despite the fact that they must be held very tightly, and they cause my to shake and dissociate and it's just a bit horrible, they CAN be held, and I CAN still exist. So it CAN be done. I feel like I am on the one hand very very lost, and on the other hand like I have reached a point of total clarity. Perhaps this is just all part of the process and it swings in round-abouts like this.... for how long!? For ever????
  8. Argh

    Just wrote a very long entry in my private online journal. I wrote almost my full story - feel pretty horrible now but I was feeling worse before so it was the right thing to do. This is so unfair!!! Why do I have to be the one to deal with the fall-out of his actions?!?! I want my life back!! Want my mind and sanity back!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH FOR WHAT HE DID!!!
  9. Proud

    Had a session with Sam yesterday. We had planned it from last week's session that I would start telling her some of the details of what happened which are bombarding me every day as really invasive thoughts and were becoming too overwhelming. My behavior is being driven by fear and panic and I have to be careful all the time because of all these imagined threats which stem from these thoughts and memories which I keep having. Anyway, so I decided with Sam that I had to try and get this stuff out of my head, and stop hiding it and look at it and try to face it and actually acknowledge the reality of it. There are a few very difficult memories which I haven't ever shared which I would say are the ones causing me the most distress right now. It is nearly 10 yrs now since it happened and I just want my life back. Yesterday I managed to share one of these memories with Sam (yay!!!) - I ended up writing it down which is more or less what I imagined would happen as actually saying the words would just be too physically impossible. My hand was shaking like mad while I was writing - what I eventually wrote was a tiny little line towards the bottom of a page which I'd done some marker pen drawing and writing trying to express or get in touch with my anger. I had drawn boxes to represent the compartmentalization of my emotions and the way I keep them under strict control. One of the boxes at the bottom of the page had the word 'silence' written in it, and it was in that box that I wrote the thing I wanted to tell Sam. It was the one thing that has been slamming around in my head more than the others, I felt it was the most important thing to share. Then I just pushed the paper towards her to read. She was really amazing - I was a mess and don't remember a lot of the session after that as I kept drifting off. What I do remember is being panicky and feeling like I might pass out or be sick - and that she was right there the whole time reassuring me that she was hearing me, listening to me. I was worried she would find what I had to tell her disgusting, find me disgusting because of it, be upset by it, be repulsed by me, I don't know. Not because of anything she's ever said or done (the opposite in fact, she is always so reassuring and I don't think she would ever judge me), but just because of my own judgements of myself. I have a real problem connecting with anger, and also with getting angry (as in, I don't do it, ever) and I certainly don't get angry with 'him', only blame me. This is going to sound really stupid, but yesterday for the first time, I connected the r*pe with 'him' - as in they are essentially one and the same thing. No 'him', no r*pe. It had just never occurred to me before. How stupid is that?! Feeling better today but so tired! Like I've literally run 100 miles. Earlier on I burst into tears which is so unlike me I almost burst out laughing because I was so shocked..... so feeling pretty fragile. I've got piles of study and loads of housework to do so trying to concentrate on those to keep my mind busy. I'm already thinking about next week and what I want to talk about (debriefing from yesterday mainly!) but the fact that my mind is moving forward and not stuck in the mess and difficult pain that was yesterday is such a good sign I think. There are 2 other things that I very much want to share - one of them will be easier than the other (I may even be able to muster up the strength to SAY the words)... the more difficult of the two will possibly be even more challenging than what I shared yesterday. Time. Just give me time. Must keep reminding myself of that... I feel small, lost, scared, silent, alone, but I feel like I am holding onto some kind of powerful tool, like I have finally got hold of the end of the rope that I need to climb up to eventually get my way out of this pit, and into the sunshine.
  10. Keep on plodding

    The new year has arrived, bringing with it the prospect of fresh starts, clean slates and the chance to erase any mishaps from the previous year. If only... Yesterday I had a hard T session. That said, I am very aware that it is not anything like as hard as things will get before they start to improve. We are talking real tip of the iceberg stuff here. Maybe even just hovering like a gull, in the cold air above the actual iceberg itself. I disclosed something to my T which I had never told anyone before. When I tried to say the words, it was almost physically impossible to get them out of my body, but they came out and hung in front of me like a ball of darkness, like something waiting to pounce upon me and devour me. I feel proud that I managed to say them. My T was really solid through the session, she doesn't waver. She can sit with me and hold my thoughts and feelings and emotions and look at them with me (even when I can't look at her). Her face is very expressive and I really like the fact that it shows concern, the fact that it shows in her eyes. Maybe that is weird, but it makes me feel like someone is taking me seriously, like my pain is something that warrants time and attention, that needs to be looked at and supported. It makes me feel like I am worthwhile. And if this is true, if my pain is worth time, attention, support and concern, then it must follow that it can be relieved, soothed, lessened. Please? em x
  11. Thank you Jes. Thank you so much. I feel stronger after reading your words. ocean
  12. Initial appt with new T

    So yesterday afternoon I saw my potential new T who is called Sam. She works about 20 minutes walk from my place, which is very handy for me as I can just walk up. Nevertheless, I was nearly late. Oops I was so so anxious in the lead-up to my initial appointment. Whilst I knew wht to expect from the session (get to know each other, find out if she is someone I would like to work with, see if I feel comfortable with her) I was absolutely terrified of opening up this can of worms which I have kept so tightly sealed for so long. Am I doing the right thing? Sam suggested that in the safety of sessions she could help me uncover these painful layers one by one, so it would not involve me having to face everything, all at once, head on. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me, but I am afraid that once I start uncovering the layers, the rest will rip themselves off and expose the putrid mess underneath before I am ready to see it. I explained about my fear of losing control of my emotions, of the fury inside me coming to the surface and rushing out of me without any hope of controlling it. I talked about how afraid I am of the feelings I must face. How sad I am. How lonely I feel, but how I have no desire for anyone to ease my loneliness. How every day is peppered with reminders, triggers and cracks upon which I trip. Despite my anxiety and fear, I have to admit I did feel comfortable talking to Sam, and I think I could work with her to try and get through some of this. Towards the end of the initial session she said that she would be comfortable to work on these things with me, and that nothing I could say in that room would shock her. I hope that's true, I really do. Even sharing the fact that I feel triggered every day and hate it when men sit next to me on the train made a difference - I could feel the relief. I have booked a tentative appointment for next Saturday at 4pm, which I must ring and confirm tomorrow. I said that I would like to come back, but that I would like to go away and think about it for a day or so. Sam was fine with that. I want to go back, but.... I. Am. So. Scared.
  13. Trigger Central

    I have found a T who I think I will be able to talk to as well as could be hoped for, and who might be able to help me. She is a counsellor, psychotherapist and creative arts T. I kind of like the idea of a creative arts T, even though I must be the least artistic person I know. Something about expressing yourself without using words is hugely appealling. I'm in the process of setting up the first appointment and am looking fwd to meeting her, but at the same time not wanting to put too much emphasis on the point in case she is not what I imagine. On a slightly less positive note, I seem to be surrounded by triggers at the moment. I'm not sure if it is because I am thinking about things a lot at the moment, so everything is front of mind means the slightest thing sets me off, or whether because I am so surrounded by triggers that everything is dominating my thoughts. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation in a strange way. Why does it even matter which wy around it is? Perhaps I should just pay attention to looking after myself and being kind to myself; something I am so good at reminding others to do... I've been trying to stay cheery and bright, especially at work where I really don't want to let on that anything is up. Although, I could always just blame it on my surgery which is happening next week, say I have pre-op nerves or something...? em x
  14. New to Pandys & so glad to find a safe space

    So I have now been a member of Pandys for about a week. I spent quite a bit of time browsing the public forums before deciding to sign up as a Survivor Member. I can't quite put my finger on what I was so concerned about beyond the obvious anxieties of speaking about the r*pe. The anonymity afforded me by Pandys was a real lifesaver in that regard - I really don't think I could have signed up otherwise. I have a few reasons for being here at this particular point in my healing journey. A month ago today, a friend committed suicide - her death was very violent and for various reasons I became aware of several of the awful details (which I obviously won't go into here). The knowledge of how she died and what happened to her in death really shocked me, and took me until now to get over. Now I am just very sad. M was closer to my wife than to me, so I am doing my best to be a good support for my wife, L. After the r*pe, which happened in 2000 when I had just turned 15, I went into total shut down - I told nobody and just became this shell of a person. Self harm and suicide attempts inevitably followed. M's recent death, so violent, unexpected and shocking, has taken me screaming back to the time when there was so little holding me back from that edge. I've spent a lot of time wondering what M's last hours and minutes were like, how she felt, what she was thinking. Was she at peace with her decision to end the terrible pain she must have been in, a pain that we outside her failed to notice? Was she so distraught that morning that she was operating on some kind of self-destruct autopilot which drove her forward until she reached her end. How far in advance had she made her decision? What was it that tipped her over the edge - something big or small? Was she crying as she took herself to her death? Did she think nobody cared about her? I am not angry with her. I understand her actions. Not her reasons, but her actions. I would even say I'm a little jealous that she had the courage to take the final step, from which she will never return. I wish with everything I have that she had not carried such pain with her, or that she could have felt able to talk to someone. Anyone. Even to choose a less 'final' method. But what is done is done and all the wishing in the world won't bring her back. I keep thinking of a line from The Virgin Suicides. "We kept calling them, calling them back from those places where they'd gone to be alone for all time. Alone in suicide. Which is much deeper than death. And where we will never find the pieces to put them back together." I am currently also thinking about entering T again for what will be the third time to deal with the r*pe and everything that comes with it. I thouht it was done, I thouht the hard part was through but it appears there is still plenty more muck on there waiting to be looked at, cleaned off and disposed of. Sometimes I think this journey will never end. I know this will be with me forever, but will my life be a series of good and bad patches, 2, 3, 4 years doing ok then everything rising to the surface again to neturned over and examined yet again? So frustrating! The third reason I'm here at the moment is that I'm due to have some surgery soon, in just under 2 weeks, and I'm a bit worried that it may create a lot of anxieties for me. Just the lack of control, being unconscious, being away from home & my wife. I'm having the scars from my self harm removed, which is an incredibly big deal for me and a remarkably positive step in my healing. The first surgery was 6 months ago and I managed that ok, but with everything that has been going on recently and my general state at the moment, I'm not sure I will cope with this round of surgery quite as well. So just trying to make sure I have some support on place before it is needed (which hopefully it won't be!). That's probably quite enough from me for now Take care all em x
  15. Loads which change but some that stay the same and always have done: certain types of tall wooden fences tree roots that are just sticking out of the ground 'back porch' steps - the kind that are just planks of wood where you can see thru to underneath the porch skate shoes worn with socks pulled up low bushes/trees near fences tyre swings greasy hair in an undercut (thankfully not in fashion anymore!) scenes of r*pe or sexual violence in movies / TV shouting & anger in general ... I could go on! ocean