Wren315

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About Wren315

  • Birthday 01/26/1986

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Texas
  1. struggling

    I am so sorry to anyone that read my earlier blog post that is now gone. I just have been bombarded with such intense feeling and emotions and flashbacks lately and I want it all to stop. I want to feel happy and normal again. I don't know whats okay to post. I just needed to write down exactly what I was feeling. I hope I did not offend anyone or trigger anyone. I am still having those thoughts about making everything stop, but those thoughts have lessened in intensity for the time being. I am going to try and tell my husband about it today, so that someone close to me knows and can call for help if I ever go to far and give in to the scary thoughts in my mind. I don't want to die, I don't want to hurt myself. I just want to be happy and carefree again. Thanks to everyone who sent me messages of support. It really helped to keep me going through the night. Sorry if I scared you with my post. But I had to tell someone what was going on. I just really needed some support. Thanks.
  2. Two years ago

    My Own Pearl Harbor Day December 7th 1941 – the day Japan attacked America. The day that changed our country forever. A sneak attack while the troops slept. They woke up to being bombed and killed. A horrible day for America. How fitting that … December 7th 2007 – The day that he attacked me. The day that changed my life forever. I too was asleep and woke up to him attacking me, him killing my soul. You were a stupid girl. You went out drinking the night before. You went to a house party and smoked a hookah for the first time. You got really drunk and bragged about you lack of a gag reflex, knowing it would make the guys want you, knowing it would make the other girls jealous. You stupid girl. Do you not see what is coming, what that led to? You wake up and thank God it was just a terrible dream. But as you become more awake and leave dreamland, you begin to realize the weight of someone on top of you, the sensation of someone touching you. The devastating reality rushes in on you. It wasn't a dream. Your nightmare is a horrible reality.The awareness encases you in an invisible tomb of silence. You cannot move, you cannot scream, you get to watch as he rips your soul from you. Hopefully like America after the Japanese attack, I too will find victory. I will defeat my rapist and the horrible memories of him and that day will serve as a reminder of the struggle I have fought and won.
  3. What is bothering me? Well the nameless thing that hovers over my spirit casting shadows on my soul. The thing that always bothers me. The fact that it happened. That it happened. Nothing changes it, nothing ever will. I don't even know why it bothers me so much anymore. I am just ready to forget and move on, if my mind will ever let me. Maybe today will be the day. The day where I just give up and call. Or maybe I will make time tonight to read. The Courage to Heal, or Speak, or Resurrection from Rape. Just something to help me. I want to forget this happened and be normal again, but at the same time I want to remember every little detail. I crave the nightmares, the flashbacks. They will make it real. They will help me remember. They may even bring pain, sweet pain. They hopefully will bring tears and relief. I get so sick of the pressure building in my head and my heart, a good cry is in order, but no tears come. Someone stole them from me, the night they stole my innocence and the night they stole trust. You always hope there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow at the end of the storm. But what if the tunnel had no end and the rain never stopped? You can't go back to before, the entrance was destroyed. The rain clouds can't be physically pulled apart. No you have to keep pushing on. You have to keep hope, but every now and then doubt enters. There may be no bright new tomorrow, just more of the same. Could I live like this forever? With this always suffocating me? No I can't think things like that. I have to have hope and faith, that one day. I will wake up and not think about the past, the horrible past. Why does it bother me so much? Why? It was just him drunk, me drunk, shit happens. But then I remember why – I was frozen, I was so shamed, I couldn't scream, rather I didn't scream. I don't even think I said no. I just tried to turn away from him. Really? Did I really think that would work? I bet if he had realized I was awake, he would have left. If I just had opened my eyes and said stop. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I? I had the ability to stop it and I didn't. I deserve this hell I am in now. I deserve the fear and anger, the sadness and emptiness, and the numbness. I drive myself crazy seeking the emotions I long for. I read books; surf websites, watch movies, hoping something will penetrate the armadillo shell I have built around my heart, hoping something will forcibly draw the tears from my heart, will open me up and force me to cry. Something did. It was the first time I had cried about what had happened ever. I watched the movie Speak. I really liked it, I like the ending, but for some reason, the second the end credits began rolling, I broke apart. I was shaking and crying. I don't really know what I was crying about or why I was crying, I just knew I HAD to cry. It felt so good, to let it out. Granted I had to suppress it rather quickly since Josh was coming home and I didn't want him to see that, but while it lasted it was amazing. I still have problems with coming to work. It is a constant reminder. It is so strange – everyone else around me is different from me, and only I know it. They have not experienced this, they have not had a piece of their soul die. They do not know the emotional torture I suffer looking at them, knowing that we will never be the same again. I can't go back to who I was before. She is dead, she is gone. A mean man took her. I am the person that remains. I feel the grief all the time.
  4. I told him

    This weekend has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Friday was a nightmare at work and a lot of stuff here on Pandys had triggered me, and I was feeling emotionally raw and devastated. When I got home I SI'd and then proceeded to go out with some friends and drink till I passed out - I know not the best method of dealing with my feelings. On Saturday, during sex my husband noticed my arms for the first time. It was scary and exhilirating to finally let someone else know what was going on. I tried to explain it to him - the emotional pain the way thinking about my rape has taken over my life, my every thought. Even as I spoke the words, they seemed so trivial and stupid, but I was able to convey at least a little of the way I have been feeling. It felt very freeing for a few seconds - before he insisted that I start seeing a therapist or counsellor. But I am glad that I don't have to hide completely how I am feeling anymore. I tried to tell him more - after all, thinking about this is all I do anymore, but later in the day, he didn't want to talk anymore, he kind of got the "We already talked, why are you still bring this up?" He has a long way to go in learning the proper way of dealing with this. TRIGGER - sex talk On a worse note. We had sex on Sunday night. I wanted to do it, we even tried light bondage which is something I have wanted to do for a while. The first go at it was fine, but then he wanted to go again. Suddenly I was in a lot of pain down there. It felt like I was on fire. He slowed down and tried repositioning, but nothing helped and I asked him to stop. He did stop ,but proceeded to finish himself on top of me, which i said was fine. Something though triggered me I guess. I started shaking and ... gulp... crying. I begged him to untie me as fast as he could, and I pulled the blindfold off. He was so upset that I was crying - he wanted to know what he had done to make me cry. I told him the truth "I don't know." I wanted to really cry hard, let it all out, but I could see he was upset , and so I held it in. Its not fair that I can't allow myself to cry. We talked about it later. He feels like a horrible husband because I cried after sex. I told him it wasn't his fault. He said he feels like a horrible husband because if I hadn't married him and started having sex, all this might have never resurfaced. I told him it wasn't his fault. He said he doesn't wasnt to tie me up again, because he thinks it triggered me and is linked to my wanting to feel powerless and helpless - I didn't tell him how right he was. But its not fair, I want to have sex, I want to try things like bondage, and so what if the only way I can get off is with my rape "fantasy" or rather memory. I feel like a failure becasue my husband feels guilty. He doen't deserve to feel guilty, it was not his fault. It is the bastard who raped me's fault, it is my father's fault, it is my fault. It is not his fault.
  5. I know its late late. But right now I am not in a good place. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to sleep forever. No pain. Just sleep and blissful unconciousness
  6. I reached out

    Yesterday was a nightmare. I don't know why. Maybe its because I spent the whole weekend with my "happy face" on, and didn't have anytime to think about it. But Monday, driving in to work, my world came crashing down. I was in so much emotional pain. All I could think about was aiming my car at a tree and ending the pain. I got to work , and started reading about suicide. I don't think I really wanted to die, I just wanted to end the pain. I read something that said, if you are thinking of killing yourself wait 24 hours. It seemed like a reasonable enough request, so I decided to wait. But I couldn't stay at work. I had broken down crying at my desk twice in the morning alone, and I didn't want anyone seeing that. All I could think of was finding a way to stop the pain. I took off work at lunch. I drove home (45 minutes). Only as I drove I self injured. I didn't really think about it as I did it. It was so unexpected, I just knew that I needed to release the pain, so I did. I dug my fingernails into my arm. I created beautiful red raised scatches all down my arms. Scratches that hurt and throbbed with pain. It was relieving, but now I am ashamed I did it. I have never done anything like that before, but it seemed so natural doing it. When I got home, I tried to focus on dealing with the pain. I drank a few martinis, but no the pain was still there. I changed into my jogging clothes and grabbed my art box and went out to the lake - I figured one of those had to help. When I got to the lake, I started running on a trail, it was a trail I have never been on before. For the first hour I passed no one. It started to get dark, so I turned back. Then I saw them - two guys, just sitting on the trail (a good 30 minutes away from the parking lot/road.) They were not wearing running cloths/shoes. They did not have bikes. They were smoking and they were drinking. When they saw me coming they got up and started walking in front of me, blocking the trail. My heart started racing. I thought "God don't let this happen." the trail was narrow and they were in front of me. I didn't know what to do - run past them, turn around, slow to their speed and keep them a safe distance in front of me? I decided to try and get past them. I was so scared as I jogged past. I tried to remain calm. I jogged a slow steady pace till they were out of sight behind me, them I broke into a run. I ran until I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. I paused by the lake to regain my breath thinking the worst was behind me and that I got scared for nothing. Then in a matter of less than a minute, they were right behind me again. It made no sense - they were still walking yet I had been running how could they catch up that fast? why did they catch up that fast? I lost it. I ran RAN RAN, I was having a panic attack I felt like I couldn't breathe. I started reliving my last rape in my mind as I ran. I didn't want it to happen again, especially in the woods - my safe place. I didn't stop till I reached the car. I hopped in locked the door, and tried to calm myself. I told myself I was overreacting. Once again though they were only seconds behind me. They were walking, but they must have run partly to keep up with me. Did they think they were going to catch me alone in the parking lot? Luckily a cop car was patrolling the area. They sat in their car a while looking at me, and finally when the cop car didn't leave, they did. This freaked me out so much. I don't know why. Those guys may have been harmless, but I was so scared. I had a panic attack. I never have panic attacks EVER. I drove over to the lake overlook, took out my drawing stuff and tried to refocus, but it didn't work. All I could think about was all that had happened that day. I gave up. I had the rape crisis number programmed into my phone even though I never had the strength to call it. After a few calls and hang ups, I told myself I had to stay on the line. The woman answering said "Headquarters good evening." I asked if this was the rape crisis center. She said no, but that she could take my name and have them call me back. I asked her for their number and said I would just call the next day during business hours. She said she couldn't give that out. I was stunned. I was trying to reach out for help, and she wanted them to call me. I have never been good with phone conversations. I hate answering the phone when I don't recognize the number. I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone and of people calling me. But I needed help, so I gave her my name - my real name ( which is soooo stupid, because now I am in the system. You can't volunteer at the rape crisis center for two years after you use the crisis line. I need to volunteer to help myself deal and get past this. Now that door is closed. This threw me into a deper self loathing and depression). She said that someone would call me within a half an hour. I stayed at the lake. I knew if I left the lake and drove home, I would do what I always do at home - supress everything. I waited - 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes. Nothing. So I gave up and drove home. I went upstairs to my apartment, put dinner on, grabbed the razor and self injured some more. Went and picked my husband up from classes. Then they called. With my husband in the car, and me having forced everything down. I couldn't answer. I put the phone on silent. I didn't want my husband to know what a rough day I was having. I wore long sleeves, he did not even notice that I self injured. They left a message. I know I should listen to it. I should call again. But I am scared again. It took one of the toughest days to get up the guts to reach out for help once. I don't know if I can do it again. I want to, I want to so badly. I want to be able to tell someone my story. Tell them the emotions and inner battles I am fighting. I want to find a therapist who can really help me. I hope that I find the courage to ask for help again. I hope it does not take another horrible day like this one to make me reach out.
  7. I've been leaving feedback under "Other - Not Listed" You can also send emails to the CBS Audience Services Department - audsvcs@cbs.com if you don't like the feedback form. Thanks so much for helping. Hopefully with enough feedback someone will take notice and help our cause.
  8. Something struck me as I was watching TV the other night. CBS is great with Public Service Announcements (PSAs) that raise awareness about many important causes - breast cancer, depression, autism, suicide, toys for tots, etc. Yet they have no PSAs to raise awareness for sexual assault and rape. When 1 in 3 or 1 on 4 people will be sexually assaulted or raped at some point in their life, is it not important to make people more aware about the statistics, the dangers, the myths and facts, and get people talking about it? After all isn't breaking the silence and talking about the issue one of the best ways to raise awareness? I would really love to see sexual assault/rape awareness PSA. I have tried emailing CBS, but I get no response. There is not even a way to contact their CBS Cares Division listed on the website. I am hoping that if enough support groups get out voice their desire for such a PSA, they might listen. I am but one person. If Pandys or other support forums voiced the request as a whole, they might listen. With the recent gang rape of the girl in Richmond, such a PSA would be even more powerful. Please help if you can. Go to http://www.cbs.com/info/user_services/fb_global_form.php and tell them that you want to see sexual assault/rape awareness PSA, and let’s help end the silence. I think a really powerful commercial would be something similar to the new Honda commercials - the ones where people name the people they know that love a Honda, and it ends with the statement "Everyone knows somebody who loves a Honda" How powerful would a commercial be that said - "My Mom" "My sister" "My teammate" "My best friend from high school" .... "Everyone one knows someone who has been sexaully assaulted or raped." "The statisitics are one in three." "Please help end the silence."
  9. I have no idea if this is even the right place to post this, but something struck me as I was watching TV the other night. CBS is great with Public Service Announcements (PSAs) that raise awareness about many important causes - breast cancer, depression, autism, suicide, toys for tots, etc. Yet they have no PSAs to raise awareness for sexual assault and rape. When 1 in 3 or 1 on 4 people will be sexually assaulted or raped at some point in their life, is it not important to make people more aware about the statistics, the dangers, the myths and facts, and get people talking about it? After all isn't breaking the silence and talking about the issue one of the best ways to raise awareness? I would really love to see sexual assault/rape awareness PSA. I have tried emailing CBS, but I get no response. There is not even a way to contact their CBS Cares Division listed on the website. I am hoping that if enough support groups get out voice their desire for such a PSA, they might listen. I am but one person. If Pandys or other support forums voiced the request as a whole, they might listen. With the recent gang rape of the girl in Richmond, such a PSA would be even more powerful. Please help if you can. Go to http://www.cbs.com/info/user_services/fb_global_form.php and tell them that you want to see sexual assault/rape awareness PSA, and let’s help end the silence.I think a really powerful commercial would be something similar to the new Honda commercials - the ones where people name the people they know that love a Honda, and it ends with the statement "Everyone knows somebody who loves a Honda" How powerful would a commercial be that said - "My Mom" "My sister" "My teammate" "My best friend from high school" .... "Everyone one knows someone who has been sexaully assaulted or raped." "The statisitics are one in three." "Please help end the silence."
  10. I want to help others. I want to help them heal. I know that when I am in a dark place, all I really want is for someone who has been through the hell that I have to say "its okay, you are not crazy, you have every reason to hurt." I am trying to find something to do to help my fellow survivors. I want to volunteer doing anything - manning the desk, sending out mail, you name it. I have worked for a non-profit before. I know all the work that goes into keeping it going. I just want to be part of that work. I just do not know if I am ready? I have never had a flashback. I do not have nightmares. I have never had a panic attack. My only sysmptom of dealing with this is my inability to focus or concentrate on anything other than "I was raped, I survived" all day everyday. Yes my productivity has fallen drastically at work. I just feel that if I were doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING to help others through this it would give me something to focus all that energy on. I would be doing my small part in fighting rape, and fighting against the stigmas that accompany being raped. I want to end the silence and tell others my story. I want to help.
  11. Right now I really need to just get something out. Someday I will post my whole story, but right now I need to deal with this. After I was raped I spent 8 months worrying I was pregnant. You see, my rape occurred during my fertile week. I didn't remember most of what happened, so I was never sure if he penetrated me vaginally with his penis. I dreaded that he did. I spent 8 months in a crazy state. I truley believed I was pregnant. I had all the signs to contradict it - negative at-home-test results, I didn't gain any weight, I never had morning sicknesss, I still got my period. But I was so convinced that I must be pregnant. I had reasons to explain everything. If you have a tubular prenancy, you often still have your period and it will give you false negatives on test results. I never told a soul that I was raped and that I thought I was pregnant. I just started to prepare for my "baby" in my own way. I stopped drinking, I dropped thirty pounds in a very short time (making sure what I did eat was incredibly nutriious) - so that when I put on the pregnancy weight no one would notice. I felt something in my gut - I though it was the fetus. During that time I really struggled with my religious beliefs and things like abortions. I had always been so opposed to abortion. But there was a dark phase where I decided that if I was pregnant I was getting an abortion. I didn't want my family to abandon me and my fiance to dump me, I had too many things going for me to have a child. Then my mind changed and I decided that I would do whatever it took to have a baby, but keep it a secret from everone. The town where I grew up had a convant and the nuns had taken in children before. I decided I would go on a "work trip" for the last two months of my pregnancy (its not unheard of in my industry) and I would in actuality take time off, have my child and then leave it at the convant early in the morning right before the nuns leave for Mass so that they would find it. I knew it would be incredbly painful to give up my baby and see it raised by others and never be able to tell anyone it was mine. But I was resolved to do what ever it took. I started saving money to afford the delivery and to leave with the nuns so my baby wouldn't be a financial burden to them. I dealt with all these feeling everyday for 8 months. Then I finally came to my senses and realized I could not be pregnant. It was so hard to say goodbye to my "baby" that was never real. I was devasted. But I was so relieved that all the worrying was for naught. Now I am happily married - two years after my rape and a year and a half after dealing with all this. My husband and I do not use birth control (religious reasons) just natural family planning. And I have been living in a state of fear that I might become pregnant. Until my rape I really wanted to get pregnant. I looked forward to it as a beautiful thing I would get to experience with the help and suport of a loving husband. I really wanted to have children at an early age, and have lots of children. Not dread it. After dealing with that nightmare for eight months, I can't think of getting pregnant and having a baby. I don't want it. But I want to want it so much, SO VERY MUCH. I want to look forward to pregnancy, not dread it. I don't know how to get that back - that hopefulness and wishfulness. I don't know how to view pregnancy as a beautiful thing - I see it as a horrible experience that people are forced to deal with. Maybe when I actually get pregnant that will all change, but what if it doesn't. I don't want my rapist to have taken that from me as well. I don't want to live through a nine month hell. I am so lost and confused right now. I want someone to help me. I can't tell my husband. I am too ashamed to tell him what really happened. I don't want him to know I was crazy. I couldn't deal with it, I couldn't continue living if he thought less of me. I just don't know what to do . I don't know how to get back to the person I was before the rape. I want to be her again- innocent and wishful, thinking of all the beautiful and wonderful things life had to offer.