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About ddd

  • Birthday 05/08/1980

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    I am an easy to please kind of girl, give me a good movie and my two favorite people, my husband and dog and I am as happy as can be.

    I love girl's night, my girls are my rock

    My family is also very important to me too.
  1. Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. DEB
  2. Gotta watch myself

    I am again in one of these "down periods". I feel disconnected, have no focus, disconnected to my friends, feel so so tired, numbish, basically feel like I cannot handle what I need to. I need to feel comfortable talking to my psych about what I am thinking and feeling. he asks me a " how does that make you feel" question and I totally dont know what to say. It's like I don't know anything about my feelings anymore. My protective measures are always the same, avoidance or drinking. But... I know what the drinking will lead to, what a messy place. I have been there with peeps I love b4, not for me, I still feel somewhat strong enough to fight that. I started a therapy called" flooding" last week, pretty f-ing hard, to say the least. The feeling that I come out with are pretty hard to manage on my own. I know I have people I can speak to, but for some reason, I don't or I don't trust them 100%. i am having a hard time with my job, managing everything I need to do, so much accountability. I will hold on though, I have work too hard to let things fall apart now.
  3. dreading the day

    So... I haven't been on this site in almost a year. I think it makes everything so real to be here. A year later and so much has change, but at the same time, not much. I am stronger, I know that. I have started to challenge myself, try to the avoidance, face the fact that I cannot control everything, that I must take risks with trusting people. It is not easy, I am so scared. Mostly that I will trust someone and they will disapoint me or take advantage of me while I am vulnerable. I am still vulnerable, still after three years. I know knew that I was "damaged" by the sexual assault, but I am only really starting to realized how much now. Even as I write now, my body is telling me to stop, to turn off the computer and distract myself, that it will be easier, less painful. My insides are in so much pain, screaming to be taken care of, wanting someone help. But, I think the truth is that nobody can take this away from me. I need to face it, feel and let myself heal itself. My body is so disconnected from my emotions. I can feel my body fighting to become numb. Several time while I try to write this entry, My arms and fingers get numb, I have to force myself to keep typing. my knees and legs get numb, I think it's from the movements of my knees being forced during the abuse. My chest is hot and numb too. I have began to understand my reactions and feelings a lot more in the last six months, being less hard on myself. I still have so much to talk about, so much to let myself feel. The truth is... I am scared shitless. I feel that I have no body to talk to, that people are not there for me when I need them, that I can't trust people to be there for me, but I know I push the away. I think my expectations are too high, that I have this idea of what they should do or say, but they don't. I know that I own part of this problem. I started to tell my husband what I need him to do or say when I am not ok. I feel so guilty that he has to go through all this shit with me. He feel in love with me along time ago, before all this. He did marry me after my assault, but I can imagine that he thought I would still be up and down three years later. I feel like such a burden, like he deserves so much more than being with someone who is so unstable. I feel like our relation is very one sided, me being the needy one all the time. I know is is drained, tired and frustrated, I think he might even be disconnecting to me. I love him so much and I am scared to lose him through this process, but I just cant shake this. It is really the 1st time I feel I can't conquer something. It has so much power over me, I can't stop thinking about what happened, how is has changed my life and how unpredictable things are. I understand how this is from a clinical view, but then when I think about it on a personal level, I don't get it. So fucked up how someone can make a decision and it affects you so much, I hate it, it is not fair. Im tired
  4. Empowered by a necklace

    So... I wore the necklace for the first time today. It felt really awesome to feel so empowered by a piece of jewelery. Several months ago, I approached a local jewelery maker to design and create a necklace that would represent my Journey through all this. Basically, it's a glass piece that has a image of a phoenix on the front and my superior court case info on the back. I love it because, unless I tell you, you would have no idea what it represents. It just looks like a cool necklace. I felt so confident and strong wearing it. I did not really feel angry today. And... I think I only thought about the abuse less that 3xs, it's getting better.
  5. Thank you for your empowering responses DDD
  6. full of anger and no way to blow

    I met with Karen today, I pulled a door knob on her. Just as she stands up, I tell her I wanted to talk to her about something that has been bothering me. How can you not be ready for the possibility of having to go to court, you have been my therapist for three years. For fuck sakes, you have seen me as my worst and I trusted you, was vulnerble with you and thought you would be there for me. I know that you are scared and anxious to go to court and testify, but you are one of the only ones to really explain all the pain and suffering I have been through. I know you say that this is not in my best interested to do this, I know you are worried about me having another break down, But I have to do it. I deserve to be compensated, I deserve to tell me story and make him and the people that were suppose to protect me accountable. I am not only doing this for money, I'm doing this to stand up for myself, to take back my power and do the right thing. After our meeting, I went for breakfast with Alana. All I wanted to do was drink, I did have a mimosa. A song came on and I just got very sad. I actually had tears running down my face, but I wasn't crying, so fucked up. Alana was great, she comforted me, touched my hand and told me it was ok to cry. I just pushed her away, telling her to leave it alone that I didn't want to cry. I don't know how to stop this, stop blocking my feelings, thinking about the abuse and being angry. I just want it to STOP. I noticed that I don't really like Fridays anymore, even though it is my day off. I realized that when I am alone, I am sad. I don't understand why I can't let myself feel. I mean, I know on a common sense level why I am blocking, but It is so fucked up. I finally get a feeling and I get scared, too scared to face it. It is starting to make me feel weak. I wish I could just face this and get it out of the way. It freaks me out to think that some women struggle with sadness their whole lives over their assault, I just can't let that happen, he has taken away enough from me. I am trying as hard as I can to get my life to "normal", I don't know what normal is anymore for me.