4sakenmonarch

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About 4sakenmonarch

  • Birthday 01/03/1990

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. hops in fader's pocket... hope it all goes well...
  2. We moved again, though we moved more than I have mentioned. We were in a town I got away from the upstairs neighbor but I had no clue what was coming next. Had no clue it would be the worst of the worst of what I'd gone through yet. It started off okay. I dealt with beatings and near broken bones, dealt with threats and knives to my throat, things thrown at me and ridicule, neglect, and abandonment. But to have the sexual abuse start up again, and this time as more than before, I didnt know what to do. I was in despair, whereas before I felt things would get better. I now had to try to rely on a system that waited until it was way too late. I was 10 and I think what started first when I was ten was my mother's part. I was in the bathroom trying to take a shower and i locked the door but my mother unlocked it with a butterknife. She said I wasnt allowed to lock the door and thats why she used the butterknife. But since I was in the shower and close to "becoming a young lady" she said she needed to teach me to properly wash. I was 10; I knew how to wash my body. So I told her no, that i already knew how to wash and didnt need her help, but she wouldnt listen. She pulled the curtain open and got in. She started to wash my body with her hands, paying particular care to my breasts and my private. I tried to push her away, and I tried to get her to leave me alone, but she wouldnt. It hurt badly, and she was taking a very long time. I felt so disgusting. I felt ashamed and didn't know what was going on. I didnt know what to say, and couldnt tell anyone because it was my mother. My mother. Female-female. I didnt understand what was going on and didnt even think anyone would believe me because even when they did believe me they didnt do anything to stop them and they just made it worse. Then came the man who was soon to be my stepfather. He began like any other "normal" sex offender. The usual molestation and rapes. The threatening and belittling. Telling me I wouldnt tell because I didnt tell about the other things in my past. Just like my mother told me when she hurt me. He and my mother took their turns unknowingly at first that each were hurting me. Each would molest and rape me in their own ways. Then they added objects and other things into it. My mother told me she was doing it to prepare me for the men in my life. I guess that was her excuse. It was when they found out about each other's sexual abuse of me that they began to once in a while sexually assault me as a team. They would use objects and hold me down, my mother would be doing one thing while my stepfather would be doing another. They would make me do sexual things to them, threatening my life. At that time i still had faith in DHHS, so I didn't want to die. But when I did, they used my protective instincts for my sister against me. They would threaten they would harm my sister worse than my while i would have to watch if i didnt do what they told me. It then progressed to have a religous aspect to the assaults. At first they would just recite words out of the bible and explain to me how it pertained to the assaults, how they weren't hurting me and how it was all my fault and I deserved it all. But soon after they would be reciting the words as they assaulted me, with incense burning in the background and a fairly large crucifix put to my head. One would hold me down and recite the words as the other assaulted me. Then came the christian songs, and them twisting it to fit what they did and justify it. They would call me a devil, devils child, evil spawn of satan, undeserving of good, selfish, nasty swearwords like s*ut, b**ch, w**re, good for nothing but sex, etc. I would have to listen to a lot of this even when they werent sexually assaulting me. They tried to kill me a great deal of times and only made me live so they could continue to punish me. I would try to be good, clean, cook, do their errands, babysit, and so many other things, but i was never good enough. I tried to do well in school, tried so hard, but no matter what i was only recognized when i stood up for myself in school but aggressively, or accidentally hurt my sister or was blamed for something i didnt do. I could do no right. Whatever bad happened was always my fault even if it was completely unrelated and impossible for it to truly be my fault. I would be crying and begging them to stop, wondering what I was doing so bad to have all of it happening to me. I didnt understand why I wasnt being helped even though they knew what i told them. I didnt understand why dhhs was leaving me to all of this even though they had been involved in my life for a very long time. I thought there mustve really been something wrong with me to have all this happening to me and nobody who wanted to help me. I didnt understand why I was so bad and didnt ever want to be on the face of the earth. I remembered back to when I was two and I wished I hadnt been born but I wished it even more so then than i did as a two year old. I didnt think things would ever get better and thought the world would be better off without me, just like they would always tell me. I frequently went to my neighbor's house to escape. The ones I escaped to were wonderful great people but they couldnt care for me as often as they were. By that point my alters were pretty clearly around. I didnt know what they were until much later in my years. I knew they were my friends and my allies; my only allies at the time, because even at school i was an outcast and treated badly. It was my 6th time at Halifax house that changed everything for me.
  3. from the time I was 8 until 10 years

    We moved frequently when I was younger. But it wasnt until I reached the age of 10 years old that I realized we kept moving because my family didnt want anyone to know what was going on in the family. When I was 8 my mother was told she needed to find out if i was being sexually abused or they would call child protective services. It was then she decided to take me into another room and ask me over and over again stating she wouldnt tell anyone, but my sister and another child was listening on the other side of the door giggling and making fun of the whole situation. I eventually told and she called the cops then told everyone, including friends of hers, all the family, friends of mine, friends of my sisters, and everyone else around. I was so angry and upset each time i found out someone else knew, but i couldnt manage to get her to stop. I think she told everyone so she could have an excuse made for my later behavior, in which she had an idea I'd react to badly. What hurt was the betrayal of her. I thought she would do what she said but she didnt. I could understand though her telling the police, but not everyone and their friends and mine and my sisters. We had moved for the umpteenth time to an apartment building with just two residences. There was the upstairs neighbor and there was us. They grew attached to our upstairs neighbor and let him babysit us. I didnt know at that time how bad he really was and what he had planned for me. It was shortly after he started babysitting my sister and I that he started to chase me around until he had me trapped and convince my sister to leave the area. After he had convinced her to leave the area he would lock me and himself in mine and my sisters bedroom. It was then he would tie me down to my bed, tear my clothes off and rape me. I was 8 when it started and 10 when we moved and it ended. But the problem was only beginning, though I thought there was no way it could happen again. I was wrong. The physical abuse and sexual abuse and emotional/mental abuse was only beginning. Because in addition to the sexual abuse I focus on in here, I had been thrown across rooms, hit and punched, burned and threatened with knives. But that was just the beginning.
  4. Thank you for the reply... im sorry you feel sick... thank you for your sympathies...
  5. Im so sorry that happened to u... u didnt deserve that... My thoughts are with you... thank you for the sympathies...
  6. I was very young, and it had already started, but he decided to get more involved into it. My sister and I would both be sexually abused and have to watch each other while he would abuse us. then it would progress to my cousins and my sister and i. We would each have to watch each others abuse and we had no power over the situation. Then my father started taking us to his girlfriends house, who had two girls as well. The oldest girl was around 12 years old and the youngest around mine and my sisters age. We were outside one time because my sisters and i used to play with his girlfriends children. He went up to the 12 year old girl and proceeded to try to lure her into a bedroom to rape her. The problem with that scheme was she fought back and didnt even let him pull her into the room. It was then he decided he would try to abuse the other little girl when i was in the room. But once again he was met with resistance. But he was stronger than her so he still managed to touch her through her clothes as she fought back. The problem was the mother was too busy with whatever else to try to pay attention or notice something wasnt right. Then while we were still at my father's girlfriend's house, and I had a fever because I was sick. I was separated from the rest of the children into my own room, and my father said he wasnt going to do the normal bedtime routine because I was sick, but when I was better we'd get back to the old routine. I knew what he meant and i didnt want that to happen so I wished with all of my heart that i wouldnt get better. I still got better despite my wishes. It was then it started back up. I was still sick but I didnt have a fever any more and i thought that would be the worst of my life. But I was wrong about it being the worst of my life.
  7. When it all started

    I was two years old. I can still remember fully the first time it happened. My parents had separated when we were very little. But it wasnt until later on they divorced, so we used to have visits with our father frequently. Usually during vacations or weekends, but before that it would be whenever. He lived in this green apartment building upstairs. We always used to sleep in a huge i believe king sized bed. It would sometimes be more than me and my sister and my father in the bed. There sometimes was a couple of my female cousins in the bed as well. But when it all started I remember being told I had to take my nightgown off and sleep in my underwear. I said no and asked why. And he said if I didnt take my clothes off he would put me in the corner on uncooked rice kneeling on the uncooked rice. I said no a few more times so he forced my nightgown off and threw me on the bed. He told me to crawl under the covers beside him and so I did out of fright. It was then it started TRIGGER WARNING He stuck his hand inside my underwear and started to touch my private parts. Then he decided that wasnt working so he made me pull my underwear down around my ankles and spread my legs. He licked his finger and stuck it inside me and touched me too. Before we left his apartment he told me not to tell and I was too scared to tell. I was terrified and frozen. I tried to push his hand away but it didnt work. I was now at the time I was being traumatized. I didnt know what to do and was too scared to tell because he had threatened me what he'd do if I told.
  8. trying to stay sane

    This is a summary. But i started blogging today because I am going to go into more detail in the next blogs I've been abused for so long i feel almost like i never have had a break. I was sexually abused by my father from 2 to 8 and sometimes physically abused and mentally abused. starting at 8, ending at 10, the upstairs neighbor raped me while tying me down to my bed after running my sister away from the scene and locking the door. At ten years old my mother and stepfather started to assault me, sexually. it went from what might be called "slightly normal" assaults to terrorizing assaults. They used religion and twisted it around when they assaulted me. This ended at 13& 3/4 years old when i was taken what i didnt know was permanantly from my family. While with my family there was physical abuse, sexual abuse and emotional/mental abuse. There was also a significant amount of neglect and abandonment. I had come close to the end of my life quite frequently while with my family. For the 4 years i was in dhhs care i wasnt assaulted except minorly when i ran away shortly. But into adulthood i was assaulted sexually a lot. In the fall semester of college of 2008 I was physically abused by my now ex boyfriend, sometimes raped, and i almost had my fingers broken while with him. the almost broken fingers was the last straw. I broke it off with him, and then shortly after breaking it off with him another man assaulted me. There was also someone who was stalking me. Then in the spring semester 2009 i had someone who really liked me and he was pressuring me into doing things then threatened to rape me, was threatening with physical and emotional threatening, and he was harassing and stalking me via the phone and emails and via in person. My ex would do small things i thought werent important enough to mention. I had school break and went to a foster home for the summer, but i was found by my family because of the location, and i was pressured into seeing my father. I gave in to going to see him and he raped me with some sort of pole and his hand. I had to withdraw from the semester because of it, ended up od'ing and almost dying. In the spring of 2010 I was assaulted again by my ex boyfriend 3 times. Shortly after the third time I was raped by a homeless man. Not even 2 months later i was assaulted on the bus. I have in the spring semester of 2010 been in and out of the hospital.
  9. im not going to do this blog because i dont remember what the phone call was about and since i either forgot or it got deleted... im not sure which... this is an azzidental blog section
  10. im not going to do this blog because i think it was deleted or i didnt ever finish it, and i dont really remember what the call was exactly like...
  11. umm... i just thought u might want to know... there is another place in maine for a resource i know about... its: sexual assault crisis and support center 134 main street winthrop maine phone #: 207 377-1010 idk what the zip code is but if ok, i recommend annmarie fitzpatrick there is also a site online... i think its one people already know about... www.silentnomore.org and as a general reference, 134 main street is a little difficult to find... so heres a description if ok: big red brick building with a subway in the front, if u go out back, u will see a red mailbox, thats where the door is that says 134 main street... idk y they dont have a sign out front but theres no sign so unless u know this description its hard to find... hope this is ok to post... sorry if not...
  12. y would it be bad to say or think that viv? who of us really wants to feel the way we do? who among us really wants to remember our horrible pasts? how would it be bad to think or say that? its not bad.... its ok...
  13. I love this thread... so many people who have said or thought of saying some awesome things to people who r inconsiderate and mean... i just absolutely love it... the comebacks that r of r just... well, they make me laugh to think of it... because i think jerkoffs who minimize and deny our pain deserve a nice comeback... and now i feel sort of motivated to make fresh statements to those who make fresh statements to or about us survivors... i love all of the comments that were made or thought about being made to mean people... u all r awesome... ps: here comes my streak... hahaha... to those who have no heart...