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About Shely

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  • Birthday 02/13/1967

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  1. It is extremely hard to be in my house. All I want to do is hug and kiss my husband and in the back of my mind I continue to think he is plotting to leave me and take my youngest son away from me. I don't know how to get past this. Why can't I let him go? Why am I so stuck on staying in a relationship where I know that I am no longer loved or wanted? No matter how hard I try I can't let go. I had a counselor tell me yesterday that this is abuse and that I needed to go to a woman's shelter. Is she crazy? Because of my illness he has been the one being abused. I tell him I hate him and want to leave and 2 seconds later I am a puddle of tears on the floor begging him not to leave me. I hate this disease and wish that I was never born. If I wasn't born than no one could hurt me like they did and I would be able to love him unconditionally and not constantly feel like I have to be on the defense waiting for the worst to happen. I hate my family and what they have done to me. They have taken everything away from me including the one person who was willing to love me and walk with me through my memories and recovery. It is just too much for him now and it is too much for me. I was hospitalized because I couldn't live without him. I now that I don't have a choice but it is killing me everyday to sit in the same house and not say more than 12 words to each other. He sits there and he chats with people online and I can't interupt. How do I get past this?? Please tell me because it hurts too much to continue like this.
  2. ((((Bluebell)))) trying to pretend it didn't hapen doesn't make the memories go away. I know it hurts. Please accept my hugs and know that there are a lot of us here to support you through the rough times.
  3. OK...I have been out of the hospital for a week today. I was in for 4 weeks and my husband still didn't want me home. Last Saturday he drank all day and I asked him if we could "play around". He said because it had been awhile that it was okay. However, I need to remember that this was just sex and us having fun. I said OK. The sex was a little on the rough side but I was just so grateful for him touching me that I allowed it. Monday and Tuesday we did nothing but argue, I am afraid he is going to leave me and take my son and I don't have a chance because of me being committed. I still attend a partial hospitalization and need to report to the unit everyday. This morning my husband asked if I would give him a BJ. Of course I said yes because I am so desparate for his touch I am willing to do what ever to get it. Just as we started he says "I hate to ruin the mood but you understand that this is just sex." Of course I said yes. He came home this afternoon and wanted to have sex and said that he realized he was the only one getting off and wanted me to be satisfied. Again, I couldn't say no, So here I am feeling like a whore that is willing to have sex just to have him touch me. I am so in love with him but I know this can't be healthy for me. I don't know what to do. I love having sex with him because he used to be so loving and gentle. Now I feel like I am selling myself just to be close to him. It is hard to believe that it is "just sex" to him. When I feel his touch I melt and can't imagine him never making love to me again. I want us to be able to get past this so we can make love again. I don't want things to "go back the way things were" before I went into the hospital but I want them to be better. Why do I feel like I am selling myself to my own husband just to get him to touch me??? Why am I allowing it to continue???
  4. Almost a week

    It has been almost a week since I have been home from the hospital and things aren't getting better. We went from not having nice things to say to not talking at all. This hurts but I don't know what to do any more. I said that I couldn't live without him and that is why I was hospitalized. Now I am not sure if I want to live like this with him. I love him so much but i don't know how to fix this. The timing of this was last hospitalization was not great but I don't know how to fix it this time. The doctor is saying I have Borderline Personality Disorder so i am on Serquel but he is not treating my depression and I don't know what to do. I want things to be okay but everyday he steps further away from me. Please tell me what did I do to deserve this! Why do I still have to suffer for what my family did to me?
  5. Last night and this morning were bad between us again. I heard him unfolding a futon and I freaked out. I accused him of lying to me and leading me on. I said that moving out of our bedroom is the first step towards divorcing me. He has never said he was going to divorce me but when he keeps telling me that everyone says that he needs to leave me I think I have a pretty good view of the picture. I need to stop lashing out at him. He is not and was not my abusers and I am tired of taking out their sins on him and just want to be able to stop. I don't wnat to feel that my life is dependant on whether or not he leaves me. I have spent half of my life with him and don't wnat to lose him so why am I driving him away. I love him and my children so much but no one believes that I could love. That hurts. So here I am sitting on the couch typing and he has made him self scarce so that he doens't have to communicate with me. Please God help us find each other again. I need and want him in my life and I have to fix what is wrong. But how do I fix me???
  6. How can I survive without him

    I have been in the hospital for 4 weeks and have just been discharged on Friday. My life is in complete turmoil and I know I am to blame myself but I just don't know what to do next. I went to my doctors on my birthday and was trying to get my meds straightened out. I was crying uncontrollabley and when they asked what was going on I told them. From there I was pinked papered into the psych ward at our local hospital. This was not a good thing. I was coming to see them in the middle of a work day and my husband was on a business trip. Needless to say, I had no choice to go to the hospital and had to quickly arrange for my son to be taken care of. In the mean time I told people not to call my husband. He had told me the week before that he was done with my bouts of depression and leaving him only to come back and that he didn't want anything to do with me getting better or fixing anything. I was devasted and at that point only wanted to make my husband happy. I attempted to take some pills but my neighbor came over just as I was about to take them. Well he is extremely angry with me and now I am facing the end of my 20 year relationship with him and feel like I can't survive without him. I just spent 4 weeks in the hospital and am trying to get used to being back in my own home but my husband doesn't make it easy for me. He told me that everyone he has spoken to has told him he needs to divorce me. Not something that I wanted hear straight from the hospital. So here I am, I managed to make through a very tense weekend and am wanting more than anything for things to improve between us. My husband spent all day on Saturday drinking and so I asked him if we could "play around"(sex). He said seeing that it has been 4 weeks that would be ok but I need to know that things are not ok and may never be ok. I said I understood but I have to tell you, his touch indicates something else. I love him so much and I know that I have placed an undue burden on him with my illness but I can't imagine my life without him in it. So last night he said he didn't feel right about it. What does that mean? Not right about having sex then or at all. I just wish I knew for sure if he is going to leave me or not. I don't know why but I am so lost without him but I survived many years of abuse before I even knew him and now I can't live with out him... What is wrong with me? I love him so much and that is all he can say is that I don't know what love is and that it isn't my fault but all of the trauma I had encountered. So I ask the question that I ask all the time and noone can answer, why can't I be loved? What is it about me that everyone I care about leaves me? I dorve away my first husband and now I am doing hte same to my second husband. I am 40 years old for goodness sake, I don't want him to leave me!!!!!! He said I need to apologize to everyone but I have over 15 years of apologies and don't know exactly how to go about tackling the apologies to everyone. I don’t know how I am going to do this but I need to. I need to have in my life but I want it better than it was before and I am not sure how I am going to achieve it.