Alice

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About Alice

  • Rank
    Still a drama queen at heart
  • Birthday 12/15/1988

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Ontario, Canada
  • Interests
    I have many interests including: reading, writing, shopping, dance, movies and music. I am also interested in girls/women’s issues as well as issues faced by those with intellectual disabilities.
  1. I have two mid-terms today, both worth 25% of my mark. I thought I had a good grasp on my intro to biological foundations of the brain class but I have a feeling that I don’t. I do know some of the material but I am having major difficult keeping it all straight. I have had little sleep which no doubt is going to have a negative impact on this exam and I ended up having a full out crying spell last night. At this point I don’t know that it is so much that I don’t know the stuff or that I have myself so worked up that I can’t focus to retrieve the information.... and that is will extra anxiety medication in my system. I have decided that I am going to go in, write the exam, do the best I can, and be okay with the mark I get (I said I have decided... I didn’t say that I was going to do a very good job at this being okay with it business ). I don’t know that I am going to get a great mark but I don’t think *hopefully not anyway* that I will fail. In this class there is another mid-term and a final to help bring up my mark. I looked over the rest of the material for the course and I do find that, while there is a lot of material, it is not as complex. I am usually one who is always striving for perfection and who is always three steps ahead thinking about “if I don’t get high enough grades later on down the road I won’t be able to get into grad school”.... really I need to calm down and get through this schooling. That said I can’t let myself go to the other extreme (which I am not even sure I could do lol) and stop caring about my marks. I hope that this made some sense.... if not.... it is sadly a representation of how fast my brain is moving without me today .
  2. Without Pandy's I would not have the hope, faith, and dreams that I do today. Thank You!!
  3. I am having a rough couple of days (and this is before we even breach the topic of work). Two weeks ago today my nurse practitioner left suddenly without any notice. It was exactly a year to the day that my counsellor suddenly left. When my counsellor left, my nurse practitioner gave me the option of either seeing the remaining counsellor, who was male, or seeing her. I didn’t feel comfortable seeing a man, so I chose my only other option of seeing her. To some, it may seem as though she was being harsh or mean but it was exactly what I needed at that moment. Now I am without my nurse too. I am devastated and a bit lost. For the first few days after I found out I was really upset... then I almost went into a period of denial. Now I am back to being upset (I haven’t hit anger yet). It certainly doesn’t help that I am not treating myself with kindness. At the beginning of this week I decided to be stubborn and quit taking my anxiety medication (I don’t recommend it! I know it is not healthy, and I know that I should do so with the support of a medical professional). I decided that if I didn’t have my nurse anymore it didn’t matter if I took my pills or not because I will never go to my doctor if there is problem. I am generally just being stubborn. Anyway the last few days (no doubt exacerbated by not taking my medication) alls I have wanted to do is cry and I have this constant feeling like something is wrong (when I know it isn’t). I miss my nurse and I don’t want to admit she is gone. I don’t know what to do. I have an appt with a new counsellor but I can’t see it going well. I will go in with an open mind but I am pissed that this is the second person in the same family health team to leave suddenly in a year.... a girl can only handle so much.
  4. I hope your exam today went well! I also hope that your teapot feels a little less full now that you have let off a little steam. I love the teapot analogy! One of my T’s always explained it using my diagnoses of generalized anxiety disorder, also quite common in survivors. She said that on a great day I always start with anxiety so where it would take a person that doesn’t have daily anxiety longer to react; those of us with daily anxiety are already starting with a disadvantage of sorts. You are not an ass for putting yourself through this “nonsense”. I think you are very ambitious and I am extremely proud of you!! You are smart and I know you can do this!! Similarly, I was always told to be a good girl (same thing i.e. not tell) because otherwise my mom would be mad at me. I am exactly the same good grades etc, etc. Even though I dropped out of high school... when I went through academic upgrading (I don’t have a high school diploma or even the equivalency. I only have the requirements needed to enter in the Social Service Worker program at my college) I always had to have the best grades. Then I went to college and now university... still chasing perfection. Of course the perfection spills out in every other aspect of my life... have perfect grades, be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, employee etc etc. I am also still trying to make my mom happy and live my life according to what will/does make her happy. Unfortunately, we can keep trying to be perfect/chase perfection darling but we are never going to be perfect (believe me I totally know how much easier that is to say then to believe/act on). You my dear are a very good little girl and I wish that was seen when you needed it the most. I am so sorry that the person close to you is creating more stress for you, especially with your exams. I completely agree, just because she loves him doesn’t mean that you should ever excuse what he did to you. What he did is wrong, horrible, and should never be excuse just because that is what someone else wants you to or feels you should. I hope that your neck is feeling better. If you need to talk, vent, or whatever feel free to message me!
  5. Why can't it just be easier?

    I am up, dressed, fed and ready for school.... well as ready as I am ever going to get. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really all worth it – is it really worth all the pain, fear, anxiety and stress I have to go through just to make it through one day. I am totally safe and my intent is not for this to have a SU tone; when I say is it really worth it, what I mean is in terms of school not living. I am truly proud of the fact that I am in university but I also feel like I am on autopilot and not really stopping to enjoy the experience. It’s like I am on the go all the time and I don’t have the opportunity to really take in what’s happening around me. This going back and forth between my hometown and school is already beginning to take a toll on me and it’s only the second week (I did the same thing last year). I am at school from Sunday night until Tuesday/Wednesday (depending on what’s going on) and then I drive back to my hometown (roughly 4-4.5 hours away) in order to work Thursday, Friday and Saturday. In between all that I also have to manage to watch my two online courses, do the required readings for my 6 classes and of course research and/or complete assignments. By the time I return to school Sunday night I am so tired from the drive because I get pretty stressed out and anxious about driving, that I typically end up having a shower and quickly going to bed. Then on Monday’s I have two classes from 11:35am to 5:25pm and then I have a class from 6:05pm to 8:55pm which quite honestly exhaust me and by the time I return home I am ready to sleep for days, not creating an easy environment to try to do Tuesday’s readings. On Tuesday I only have one class but that one class is at 8:35am making me quite tired in the morning especially after my three classes on Monday. This week I have a group meeting on Wednesday so I will not be returning to my hometown until Wednesday afternoon, so my plan for Tuesday is to take a nap after my lecture and then catch up on my lectures/readings (that would be correct, I am already behind and it’s only the second week of school). The other thing that is stressing me out is that I have three assignments due on October 4th which I quite honestly have no idea how they will be getting done; I do know that somehow they will get completed and chances are high that I will receive a good grade but just thinking about it makes me anxious. Today, I am just in a weird mood and would really like to just crawl back into bed and stay there. I would never be able to do that though because I would feel incredibly guilty for not attending class. I just wish this could be easier but I guess that’s the life of a student
  6. Rough few days

    It has been a rough week and tonight unfortunately I am letting my insecurities get the best of me. Last Sunday I went back to school which was fairly hard to do. All through my Christmas break I knew the day would come but never put much thought to it. When the day finally did arrived, I spent most of it holing back tears because I really didn’t want to go back. Not because I didn’t/don’t want to finish school but because I find it incredibility challenging being away from my friends and family. That night once I got home, I called my mom to let her know I had arrived safe and sound, and found out that she was having severe abdominal pains. I told her I loved her and encouraged her to seek medical attention if they continued and/or increased. Anyway the next morning I received a text message from my brother telling me not to freak out but that mom was taken to the hospital by ambulance in the night. He told me that he had called the hospital but they were doing shift exchange and asked him to call back in an hour. He was supposed to call the hospital at 10 and then let me know what he found out. Well he didn’t and I had no idea what was going on. Turns out my brother had gone to work and was unable to text me, to let me know what was going on. I ended up calling the hospital, knowing that there was no way I was going to be able to sit through a three hour class unless I had some idea of what was going on. When I called, they informed me that they were waiting for a catscan for her. After what seemed like hours, my class finally ended and something told me to call her cell phone. She answered and told me that she had, had her catscan but was currently waiting for the results. She was later told that she has a , and at that point they were waiting to see her blood work results and determine whether she was able to keep fluids down. Late Monday night she was sent home, only for pain to increase sending her back to the hospital the next morning. After sitting in the waiting room for approximately 12 hours (I will spare you the rant about the hospital... including the hospitals parking) they finally got her in and decided to keep her for a few days. They are doing several things in hopes that they will work and surgery will not required. So last night I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to stay at school while my mom was ill and in the hospital. Plus on top of all that going on, my dad had to go in this morning to have a shunt replaced (he has terminal cancer). I knew that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my studies and that I needed to be with my family. I ended up catching the 12:30am bus from school and got home around 4:10am. This is where the insecurities are coming in. I was suppose to have a class tomorrow (Thursday) at 11. Before I left to catch the bus, I emailed my instructor explaining my situation and letting her know that I would not be in class. I have continued to check my email today and received no reply... no problem, never thought much about it... then there was a general message sent to the class about tomorrow’s class but no response to my email. I am a fairly logical person and I know my instructor... she always replies to emails in a fairly quick fashion. Therefore, the logical part of me is saying she probably didn’t get it. HOWEVER, then there is the irrational, emotional and very tired side of me saying all the negative things. Saying things such as she probably doesn’t believe me, that I shouldn’t have emailed her, that I am making a big deal out of nothing, that I was somehow unprofessional.... etc etc. I wish I could just focus on the logical part of this situation allowing my mind to stop racing but sadly I can’t.
  7. I don't want to go back....

    Sometimes I really wonder if school is really worth it. I know that it’s something I want more than anything and there has got to be some reason why I am fighting so hard but it doesn’t help in times like these. I am sitting here almost in tears because I have to catch a bus to go back to school in less than two hours. These past three weeks of holidays have sucked. They have been filled with fighting, packing, moving and illness. I have been sick since Boxing Day and it doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon. When I went to the doctor he informed me I had a skin infection and strep throat. Prescribed the usual assortment of medication and sent me on my way. Of course with the medication, was suppose to come rest and lots of fluids... not something easily attainable when you are trying to pack, move and clean up a three bedroom apartment. Of course like everything else it got done and we are now successfully in our new apartment... it’s a sea of boxes and we can’t find anything but nonetheless we are here. However, I am also still sick and it feels like it’s creeping down my chest, alls I want to do is curl up and sleep.
  8. Finally some good news :)

    I FINALLY got some marks back for my assignments/exams in University!! I got a B+ on my political economy mid-term An 82.5% (A) on my group presentation/paper for my structural social work class and a 88% (A) on my research project for research methods!! I still have a lot to accomplish for this term in the next few weeks but I am pretty happy with the marks I have received so far. When entering university, everyone told me not except the marks I received in college (which were pretty much straight A’s!!). I have been stressing since September that I am not smart enough for university and I wouldn’t be able to handle to work load.
  9. I am so confused and unsure what to do.... as some of you know I had a problem with the woman I am renting my room from. Although I did post and blog the very long and boring story of what occurred, I will give a very condensed version so you can get a slight idea as to my current dilemma. I work in the city where I am from and go to school in another city about 4.5 hours away from my “home”. Therefore I rent a room at school and stay there Sunday night until Thursday night. I then normally take the greyhound bus back and forth every week. Anyway a couple of weeks ago I informed the woman I am renting my room from that I would not be back on Sunday as I am normally because I was going to a concert and my mom would kindly bring me back on Monday. On Monday my mom and I drove back to school and it was decided that she would stay down in a hotel (I would stay with her) and she would drive back the next day. When we got into town it was still too early to check into a hotel, so my mom and I went to hang out at my room until we could. When we went into the house, the woman I am renting the room from was sitting in the living room and both of us said hi to her. We stayed at my room for about 4 hours and when we left the woman had gone out. The next day my mom dropped me off at the my room before heading out of town. When I went into the house I noticed that the woman’s TV was on but she wasn’t in the living room or kitchen which was really strange for her. As I went up to my room I noticed my door open and when I went up the rest of the stairs to my room the woman was standing at my desk going through my things. When I confronted her on what she was doing in my room, she said that she needed to get the air conditioner out of the window and couldn’t do it herself (there was NO one else there to do it and the desk is on the complete opposite side of the room). I then asked what she was doing at the desk and she informed me that she hadn’t seen me in days and was worried about me therefore looking for my phone number (which she has been given on numerous occasions) to call my mom. When I said that not only did she see me just the day before but also my mom, her response was.... “oh, oh I did?” She also informed me that she wanted to talk to my mom because surely she wouldn’t be upset that she was looking for my phone number and that it was the “Christian thing to do”. Anyway needless to say I was very upset and after many phone calls to my mom, whom didn’t hear her cell phone until she was half way home, it was decided that she would come back. When she came back, she spoke to the woman and things seemed to somewhat resolve themselves. Then come Thursday the woman taped a note to my door saying she needed the room back at the end of December and that would “give me plenty of time to find other accommodations”. As I was leaving Thursday night to go back home to work, there was a blow up between my mom, I and the woman. She informed my mom that she was an “old lady with angina and didn’t need this”. She also informed me that I was the rudest person she has ever met and she was appalled at the language I used towards an old lady... when my mom asked what I said, the woman said that all I kept saying was “why are you in my room”? So fast forward to this evening.... I decided that I was going to walk over to Starbucks and get a coffee. When I went downstairs the woman told me that she was willing to forget what took place and “let me stay here” if I wanted to. That it “was a misunderstanding on both our parts. That she talked to my school and they told her that it was different for students” (at this point I must have given her a weird look because of what she said next) she continued to say “but never mind that, that if I wanted I could stay until the end of April.” I had no idea what to say but I ended up saying thank you and I would speak with my mom about it. In one way it would be good if I could stay here because then I would not have the stress of moving all my things and having to look for another place to live especially as I have a ton of things to do as well as several exams in the next 6 weeks. I just don’t know though because in a way I feel like I am going against what I stood for and somehow accepting her behaviour. I am also concerned that if she decides that I am rude to her or did something to offend her that she is going to ask me to leave again. Overall, I am just really scared and don’t know what to do or how to proceed from here. I am not even sure what I am seeking in posting this other than I needed to kind of put it all out there in hopes that it will somehow make sense to me. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I would be much appreciative of it.
  10. Feeling ugly....

    I don’t know what kind of day I am having…. I don’t even know what I am really feeling. I do know that I have many emotions running and don’t know which end is up so to speak. I also know that on top of everything else I am not incredibly happy about anything. My friend has been back and forth a million times in the last two weeks in regards to whether she was going out drinking to tonight. A couple nights ago it was decided that we would go out… mainly because other friend is possibly going out… I often feel like I am a “last resort” friend… of course I am sure that is my own insecurities. Now today it’s undecided as to whether we are going out or not partly for reasons out of anyone’s control. So everything is still up in the air and I find it very difficult to wait until the last minute to know something… purely for the selfish reason of needing to feel in control. Either way I did get wings to wear tonight… this was before I knew we might not be going out…. and I decided that I would wear them to work anyway. I also put on makeup which I hardly ever do in hopes of feeling pretty…. It didn’t work I just feel fat and ugly…. just having a rough few days…..
  11. I am so mad… I don’t know that I have ever been this angry in my life and it is sort of scaring me… I don’t like feeling this angry. My mom came back to school to “save” me on Tuesday. When she got there she spoke to the woman I am renting the room from, it was explained that I don’t appreciate people being in my room and that I am very sensitive when it comes to my privacy. My mom also decided that since she could not drive back because it was getting so late that she might as well stay until Thursday and drive back with me after my classes. Everything seemed fine with the woman I am renting the room from and she even spoke to my mom and I Wednesday. Anyway today when I arrive home from my class, I found a note taped to my room door stating that she would needed the room for December 1st and that that would give me plenty of time to find other accommodations. First she didn’t give me proper notice, she did so on a sheet of lined paper, secondly if I was to get really technical about it she has absolutely no right to kick me out (especially when she admitted she is doing so because I was “rude” to her and she is going to find another student) and thirdly I feel she is only doing so because she got caught going through my belongings. Of course I got all upset and started crying. My mom told me not to worry about it and helped me write up a letter stating that it was illegal to go through my room without proper written notice (by law here it’s 24 hours unless there is an emergency) and that I acknowledged the taped notice on the door and will notify her of my move out date. My mom also put in the note how it was quite surprising and amazing how just last week she was going to put a satellite box in my room and a couple days ago reduce my rent because I am gone so much but since being caught in my room she is now “needing the room”. We both signed it (my mom signed it as a witness) and took a photocopy of it being done. When we were ready to go back home I asked my mom to come downstairs while I put our stuff in our vehicle to come home for the weekend. When my mom did go downstairs the woman informed her that I was the rudest person she has ever talked to and she is an old lady with again that doesn’t need this…. Gee lady I am sorry that you got caught snooping through my things and when you told me a lame excuse I didn’t just say that’s okay and let you go on your merry little way. Also I am a 20 year old living away from home for the first time, I come home on weekends to work, my dad is dying of terminal cancer, I am stressed out about money, I am having anxiety attacks left and right and it’s all I can manage to not c*t…. and guess what? I don’t need this either!! She also told my mom she couldn’t understand why I was so upset and the language I used was disgraceful… when my mom question her about this she said that I was wrong of me to keep asking her “why she was in my room”. When my mom agreed with me and said “well why were you”, the woman got quite defensive as my mom was not agreeing with her. My mom also told her that it was illegal to be in my room and she is aware of this because she spent many years as a landlord, the woman countered this argument with my mom by saying that it wasn’t illegal because I was a student… which is COMPLETEY wrong!! When my mom also mentioned about how she had previously been in my room she started to deny this, then my mom reminded her that she had to have been in my room because she requested several weeks ago I turn off the air cleaner I have in my room to conserve energy. First I don’t use the laundry OR her kitchen and I am only there late Sunday night to Thursday night, secondly the air cleaner does not take that much energy and thirdly it’s prescribed by the doctor. She told my mom that she had heard the air cleaner and went and turned it off because “she did not see the need” for it to be on. HELLO??? To “hear” the air cleaner she would have had to open my bedroom door, she had ZERO business being in my room, let alone turning it off and finally …. She didn’t see the need? Well I am really sorry that I have allergies and asthma… I am sorry that my family doctor, ear, nose and throat doctor AND allergist not only recommended but prescribed an air cleaner for me. I will admit that when I found her in my room Tuesday that I absolutely probably was rude to her. Partly due to shock and partly because she was in my freaking room going through my things. That being said I was very careful not to swear (which actually took a lot of self control as I was REALLY mad) and be as polite as possible due to the situation at hand. Apparently (according to her) I was rude and that I should never talk to “elders” like that, that she was only doing the “christen thing” by checking on my well being. Well first I am typically a very calm and respectful person but violating my privacy is something that really hits a nerve and is hard for me to contain myself. Secondly, I believe that respect is a two way street and I don’t care who you are, if I find you going through my things I am going to be upset!! Thirdly, it’s not a very “christen thing” to do snooping through other peoples belongings!! So, my mom is trying to keep me calm and I am probably driving her up the wall because I am currently a basket case. When we got back home we found several listings for room for November 1st that my mom is going to help me call about tomorrow. Also because I am a big baby my mom is coming back with me on Sunday because I am afraid to go back especially by myself. I am also terrified that the woman is going to go in my room and do something with my stuff…. She probably won’t but because I lack the ability to check on my room this weekend, it is leaving me with a feeling of lack of control. All in all, I am still so mad. Plus it is also making me question everything, regardless of how many times my mom has said I did nothing wrong I still feel like I have. I also feel like maybe I really am a horribly rude person?? I never thought myself to be but I guess I could be? I know I was rude to her and I do feel bad but she was also in my room…. I don’t know, maybe I am just in the wrong. This whole thing is making it really hard to want to stay at school…. I really just want to come home however that is also giving her the control. I want so badly to finish this year at school and if I quit now it will be like saying to her that “yes I am a rude person and you win I will just leave altogether”. In a way this event has made me want to stick it out even more!! The other thing that has made this all challenging is that I am pretty sure I have the flu… I never ever ever get a fever and normally my temperature is around 97.8 instead of the normal 98.6…. I have no idea why my temperature is always so low but it is…. Anyway to night it was 99.6, I have a sore throat, my neck hurts, I am achy and my chest is killing me. Tomorrow I am going to call my doctor and see if I can get in…. also if I still have a fever I have to call in sick to work especially considering I work in a group home and they are on high alert due to H1N1. My mom is also starting to feel sick and I am feeling so guilty because it was more than likely me that gave it to her. She has severe, severe asthma and with all this H1N1 hype it makes me really nervous with her being sick…. I am normally worried, so this year I am 10 times more worried than normal. If you made it this far, congratulations and thank you for reading this very long rant!
  12. I am soooooooo mad! Yesterday my mom brought me back to school. We decided that she would spend the night so that she could get a fresh start to drive back today. The room I am renting is up quite a few stairs and while my mom can walk up to my room, it’s too difficult for her to walk down to the washroom and back up again, so we end up getting a hotel night whenever she stays down. Anyway yesterday we decided that we would go to my room to hangout for a bit as it was too early to get a room and we didn’t have much else to do. When we went into the house, the woman that I am renting the room from was there and we both said hello; when we left she wasn’t home. Anyway this morning my mom drops me off and when I get up to my room, the door is open. When I go up the stairs, the woman I am renting the room from was in my room. I was so mad especially considering I had previously had suspected that she had been in my room. I contained myself the best I could but did ask what she was doing in my room. At first she told me that she needed someone to come take the air conditioner out as she couldn’t... why that required her being in my room now, I am not sure. The thing is though she was over by my desk which is on the other side of the room all together. I questioned her on this and she informed me she was looking for my phone number... when I asked her why she told me that she was looking for the number for my mom to make sure I was okay because she hadn’t seen me in days. HELLO? To start with she seen me AND my mom yesterday, secondly why does it matter if she has seen me or not? My rent is all paid up and not due until Saturday and Thirdly I don’t know about you but I don’t have my home phone number wrote on anything.... I have it in my purse in the event of an accident and on my medical alert but not in my room. Not only that but my suitcase that I have used every week since September was sitting on my floor, so I couldn’t have been too far. She also informed me that when one of the other tenants isn’t going to be in he calls to let her know but I didn’t, I just wasn’t there. Well I am sorry but I didn’t know I was accountable to her and needed to inform her when I was and was not going to be here. She continued to go back and forth from one thing to another as to why she was in my room and none of them added up. She also kept saying she couldn’t understand why I was upset and she wanted to talk to my mom because she couldn’t see it being a problem with my mom.... unfortunately for her she doesn’t know my mom. I kept trying to call my mom but she wasn’t answering her cell phone. Finally my mom answered and we decided (well in a way I asked my mom to come back because I needed my mommy) that she was coming back. I know she is not mad but I feel really guilty for asking her to come back here.... especially since my brother (he’s 19) is at home and sick. When he finds out mom is coming back to “save me” he is not going to be happy with me. It’s not often that I ask my mom or really anyone for help so why is it that I feel so wrong and greedy for doing so? I understand that my landlord was probably only doing it out of concern... or she is just nosey but still, I am paying rent (which is paid) and therefore I don’t feel she has any right to be in my room. I am very protective over my stuff especially considering.... when my brother was into drugs heavily, he stole most of my stuff. I now take great pride in the “stuff” I purchase. I am probably blowing this way out of proportion but I am so mad!!!
  13. ((((M)))) I can totally relate to the panic felt that is so intense that it interferes with your studies. I am constantly trying to hide my panic and anxiety which like you interferes with class causing me to miss what is being said. Thankfully so far I have managed through my classes without having to get up and leave but I often wonder whether it’s truly worth it. I want to come back to my hometown so badly and am also always thinking of quitting... a couple weeks ago I had a HUGE breakdown and was quite adamant that I was quitting school and coming home.... I have since been able to convince myself to at least make it through this year and then re-evaluate. Of course in order to get myself to that point, it included dropping a class (which I am still embarrassed to admit that I did) and an increase in medication (again embarrassment is felt by that). You my friend are one of the most inspirational people I know!! You are so strong and so smart! I know that you (and I) can do this and we will! We will get through this!! Good luck tomorrow on your mid-term!! You will do amazing!! ((((M)))) Ali
  14. I can't do this!

    I am sitting here feeling very inadequate and stupid as I try to work on my book assignment for school. It’s not due until Friday but I was really hoping that I would be able to get some kind of a handle on it this weekend and not have to worry about it this coming week. I am also feeling very guilty as tomorrow night I am going to concert and I feel like I have wasted my weekend.... I guess in a way I didn’t waste it as I did work yesterday and today but I sort of feel guilty for sleeping in this morning instead of getting up and working on my assignment. I also feel like I am not smart enough to do this assignment and I am worried that I am going to fail it.
  15. ((M)) Thanks . Unfortunately I had a horrible night at work so it only made things worse. I do have to work and at some point work on writing the dreaded paper on the book but after work, before paper writing, my plan is to have a nice hot bubble bath and glass of wine… the paper writing could be interesting . lilblondeee, thanks for your reply