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  1. Just need to breathe

    Wow...what a ride this last week has been. Late last week I wrote this letter to my therapist about those things that have happened to me in as much detail as I could remember. I never intended to give it to her...but this past tuesday I did just that. I gave her the letter and she read it. The anxiety is swelling inside as I write this. She said the two words I had never associated with my situations..........sexual abuse...ugh those words make me sick. She said it's not my fault...intellectually I get that. I then went home to chew on those words...the anxiety got bad I scheduled an extra appt with therapist. I went in still chewing on the words....sexual abuse...but she got me through the feelings and challenging the thoughts that I can't prove with facts. The anxiety has dissipated greatly...thank you god. I have my next appt on this coming tuesday.
  2. So, I have been seeing this therapist for 4 months now and I left this important part of my life out of my history that she took on the first appointment. Last week I wrote out the 4 situations in the best detail I could. I had planned to give them it to her yesterday when I saw her...but I chickened out. I guess unless it's in my face I do really good at minimizing the entirety of the situations and their effects on my life... so why tell her?
  3. Really confused?

    So, I have recently been feeling completely rejected by the people closest to me that know here(in TX...fam lives in MI and doesn't know). I spill all this about 5 months ago and that's when the labels for what had happened to me got put in place by my sponsor(I am in a 12 step program also). It seems as though I over-react to any hint of someone wanting a fast moving relationship or just sex at least that's what people tell me. Excuse me I don't think I am over-reacting to anything I have every right to protect myself and if that don't feel safe than the hell with whoever wants it. Apparently, I am crazy because I should just be happy I am a survivor and get over it. Don't get me wrong I am happy to be a survivor but seriously is that all there me surviving is just the beginning of a long road, of which I have only recently decided to embark on after 10 years of shoving it aside like no big deal. I almost wish I had never told anyone close to me but I would have never put the labels to what happened to me on it myself. It seems that people who have been through similar situations that I know seem really cold to the idea that it could have affected my life so severely and continue the complete opposite way that it has these others.
  4. First group therapy was awesome!

    So, I had a group therapy session last night and I went in spite of enormous fear and nervousness. Pretty sure I found the right place with the right people. It was more about healing from the resulting issues of the trauma. I was so afraid that everyone was going to sit around and talk about what happened to them. Sometimes, I wallow in my crap enough I don't need to do that in therapy too. I'm really, really glad I went I think it will prove very helpful in getting healing started before I go to individual(3-4 week wait but it free). I was to nervous too talk but maybe next time. Anyway, I'm just extremely happy I went....yay!
  5. Wondering?...

    Ok, so I start group therapy tonight. I have had alot of feelings about going and most them being anxious, nervous, and afraid. I've really begun to wonder if something more happened when I was much younger...that I just don't remember yet. I'm not really sure...sometimes I think I am just paranoid. Really I hope not...but that sense of I'm missing a major event in all this is hanging on to me and I can't seem to shake it. I really don't know...
  6. 10 years later and still in HELL!

    Well, I don't know what to do with myself. It's been 10 years and I still live in complete and total hell. I don't sleep much...nightmares, stay in bed...unless something such as work is going on, don't talk about it...learned that lesson the hard way, friends don't get it...even friends who claim they've been there too. I never told my not much point in calling them. I never went to counseling...thought it would just go away...if I avoided it long enough and it worked until this year. Never been in a serious relationship...the minute any kind of commitment comes up I run or the slightest hint at sex I run the other way as fast as possible. Getting out of the house takes every ounce of energy I have...mostly only go through that when I make myself go to work and gave up going anywhere else takes too much I don't have. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!