Alias Chase

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  1. no title

    I am so sick of my own bullshit.
  2. decisions

    Originally written yesterday: I was getting ready for bed, taking off my makeup, washing my face, brushing my teeth - And I realised that I think I can see it, in my face, the deterioration in my health. Without makeup I look like crap. Dark puffy circles under my eyes, dry red skin. I have a doctor's apointment on monday - a follow up because I was formally discharged from the ED clinic I've been a patient at for... almost four years, minus the 5 months I was inpatient. One of the discharge recommendations is for me to get my bloodwork done on a semi regular basis. Which is fine I guess, though it seems unecessary. My body has always seemed to me to be remarkably resiliant - it takes quite a bit to put my electrolytes off. My doctor, though I haven't been seeing her for a long time, is very nice; I feel quite comfortable with her. I've trying to decide whether it would be beneficial for me to be weighed when I see her. And I mean that I would ask if she would weigh me - I don't think she'd request it. I don't have a scale at home and it's been a couple of months since I was weighed at the clinic. And mostly I'm happy with that. I would really rather not know. But a part of me is somewhat curious. I suppose it might give me an indication as to whether I'm eating enough. But putting weight aside, even if I've gained weight, I know I'm not doing well. I actually think that I've lost perspective of how poorly I've been doing. Considering how well I was. I just keep praying that it's not obvious to anyone else, and that if I have lost some weight it doesn't show. I want to seem well. I feel very very ambivalent. Which I'm hugely frustrated about. I'm too old, too self-aware for this bullshit anymore. I have put too much into being well. I hope that I'm moving towards a solid determination to get better (again)... Most of the time I feel very very alone and scared and sad - even more so now that I'm not at the clinic anymore - the restriction and the binging and purging feels like a warm blanket that I can wrap myself in; it's so so comforting. I decide, each day, to wrap myself up in this self-destruction because I don't want to deal with the emotional stuff that eating properly (and gaining weight) brings.
  3. (((((June))))) I empathize completely - this stuff is so, so hard - Every success you have is something to celebrate. Big love, Chase
  4. ---

    I just feel huge and fat and disgusting.
  5. (((((V))))) I'm thrilled for you!!! So thrilled that you're starting to believe in your own brilliance!! Because this IS real; this brilliant young woman is you, 100% you. THIS is who you are, not the person the abuse makes you fear you are. Big huge love, Chase
  6. difficulty posting

    I'm not sure why I have SUCH a hard time posting, even here, in my blog which I can feel confident most people won't read. Or I'll post and then leave it in draft form. Because... I don't know why... I haven't explained myself well enough? Because I haven't edited it enough? Because the writing isn't "good enough"? And then when I finally get around to feeling okay about what I wrote it seems dumb to post an entry I wrote a week earlier. I would like to connect more. I mean in my life, in general. And here is easier than in real life, in a lot of ways. Yet even here where I'm almost completely anonymous, I feel too exposed. And like I'm not... worth... a whole post to myself; space. I often want to post something - here or on another part of the board - but I can never seem to get past myself. *sigh*
  7. discouraged, disappointed

    Feeling really discouraged eating-wise. Not in treatment at the moment - was kicked out months ago after falling below the line (I mean in terms of the minimum weight for the level of treatment I had been in). I just can't seem to pull it together. I do alright for a couple of days and I start to feel more optimistic but I can't seem to maintain it and I know, in truth, my best has been the bare minimum. I don't know if I'm going to apply to teach kayaking/sailing again this summer... I keep thinking about how goddamn cold I'll be My life is going really well. Friends, school - I'm having my first ever gallery show this august! (A sort of coup considering I'm only going into 3rd year ) But. My treatment team wanted me to "restore" the weight, and "normalize my eating" on my own because I "could", and because going back to a higher level of treatment would be a step back (their words). I thought they were right, in part. But it's been months and I haven't been able to turn this around myself. Part of the problem is my ambivalence - being ambivalent about gaining, sorry, *restoring* the weight. And more intense treatment won't necessarily fix that. So if I meet with them and say I think I need more intense treatment I need to be 100% committed to getting better, which will include weight restoration. I do think however, that being involved in treatment will strengthen my resolve on days when it falters; I think I have forgotten just how much and of what I need to be healthy, and treatment would put that too into perspective. *sigh*
  8. stream of consciousness

    I wrote this on March 9th and never posted it. I suppose I felt that it was too "rough". Re-reading it today I was stuck by how little has changed in how I feel. I'm having a hard time. I've had a major relapse with my anorexia and bulimia. I'm struggling to "restore" the weight that I lost so that I'm able to participate in outpatient treatment again - For now my treatment is "on hold" - This has felt and feels like a massive failure on my part; I feel like a massive failure. I'm really disappointed in myself. In other respects my life is going relatively well - I'm doing really well in school (I've received A+'s on my last three assignments Thats 95-100% - not an easy feat at art school ) and have just finished up putting together a proposal for a gallery show with a friend. I have friends, I have been able to maintain this sort of functional, successful, normalish existence... I'm so lonely. The feeling I have most often is one of sorrow. I feel heavy and despairing. I have this void within me that cannot, will not be filled; a need that cannot and will not be met. I'm tired. I just want to be good enough - I'll NEVER be good enough!!! Why do I do what I do - the art? I wish I had value - I just want to be good enough. I'm so tired. I wish I could connect with someone(s). I don't know how. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know how to live with the things I know about my father. I don't know how to live with the knowledge of what he did to me. I don't know how to live with the memories, the feelings...... Or the knowledge of what those boys did to me; the hatred and the fury.... I don't know how to really connect with someone - I feel so montrous and unacceptable even when I think I feel okay.
  9. Hey (((((((V))))))), Just wanted to say Hello, that I'm listening, and that I think of you often . Big Love, Chase
  10. ((((V)))) I'm sure you'll knock their socks off! Lots of love, Chase
  11. ((((((((V)))))))) Lots of love -
  12. (((((V))))) Absolutely! I'm with ((M)) - would love to see your smile! Lots of love, Chase
  13. trouble

    Just feeling really alone - That kind of loneliness that is so loud; white noise that makes me want to scream - I ended up bingeing and purging. Fuck. Ya. I still have an eating disorder. I'm having trouble with nightmares and body memories. I think that's why I feel particularly alone. I had a flashback a couple of weeks ago when a doctor examined my neck and since then I've been having regular flashbacks of the worst particular part of my R(s). I've been wanting to vomit constantly; It's that time of the month : always triggering but worse I think because it's spring and the memories it always evokes took place in the spring, outside. I've been having the body memories that hurt I had an appt. with a new family doctor a week and a half ago. I injured my knees and because I'm covered in scars I didn't want to go to any old walk in clinic. She turned out to be really nice. I had forgotten that doctors ask that question Are you sexually active? that I never know how to answer and wasn't prepared for. Err...No. Haver you ever been sexually active? Err... Not really... Not on purpose... *shaking my head* She said, You've been assaulted? Nod. Did you report it? Were you examined? I shook my head. I can't remember if anything else was said but I do remember that she recomended that I get examined - For my own health; I've taken so many steps to be well - this would be another step towards health. I know - I just. can't. She was very understanding and didn't press the issue - she didn't even question me when just as she was about to examine me knees I blurted out I have scars everyehere. . She was great and on the whole the appt went well but I've been having nightmares triggered by the discussion of an examination. I can't elaborate - just that it's never a doctor and it's always forced. *pulling out my hair* I want to annihilate myself. And yet I'm trying really hard to hold onto this idea of myself as strong and healthy and in recovery. I need to hold onto this idea of myself. I have lots of support, just not quite as much as I did when I was in more intensive treatment. I don't know where to find solace or a sense of safety and comfort within myself, by myself. I know it's not in purging or cutting - *sigh*
  14. (((Smile))) Hoping your meeting will go/ is going/ has gone well. Love, Chase
  15. crap

    I feel like crap. Apparently there's no apparent reason why my thyroid isn't fucntioning propery. The medication I've been on for two weeks hasn't been working, my doc has switched me to another medication. I'm too tired to write about other things I'd like too.