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About pancake

  • Birthday 06/21/1983

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  1. thank you annie yes you are right that i am afraid of feeling sexual responses through all touch and i have been thinking that a massage would b e the best place to start but im afraid even of that. thank u for advice i will have a think about what touch means etc. as always annie u are a ray of sunshine in a dark and confusing storm. xxx
  2. Hi to anyone who reads this and thankyou for taking the time. I recently went to the doctor and he touched me in sucha caring way it woke something up inside me that was now ready to start being worked on. its been really confusing as it is my sexuality that has come to the surface and is trying to unravel itself. it makes no sence to me its like there is different parts. all i can seem to make sence of is that i feel an overwhelming need to be cared for and for someone to give me permission to care for myself and i also get aroused by men being dominant in films. i have always known that part and i have always know that there was alot of confusion and pain around it. Ive been thinking about how i can be cared for in a way tha tis safe but is not a relationhip as i am not ready to have one in a trusting sence but also i dont know what i want in a relationship. i was thinking about going for a massage to feel cared for and to help my sore back but i am afriad of being touched and im afriad it would release soemthing emotional buried deep in the muscles. also would it be correct to be going for a massage if i was feeling any sexual feelings/? would that be like abusing what the service is for? do i want to feel sexual feelings? im to afriad to even have a woman massure touch me. ive been watching alot of chiropractic clips online by a doctor ian. there is something about it that makes me feel safe. the man is caring, the touch is not harmful or invasive. the touch is to heal. he cares aout the wellbeing of the people and tries to reasure them if they feel upset. then there is the more sexual feelings as he uses his body, leaning over the person and applying pressure to move the joints. im trying to make sence of this but im not getting very far. recently i began to allow myself to let my mind fantasise sexually. i was having therapy and we were talking about sexual thoughts and sh gave me the name of a book called *my secret garden* it is a list of sexual fantasies that women have submitted and it really helped me to realize that i am not dirty, my sexual thougths are not dirty and no matter what sexual thoughts i have I AM NOT LIKE HIM. This was a huge thing to know but i did not feel the affects of it until that doctor touched my neck. i felt like he moved energy, i felt tingling all down my neck and i sort of got lost in the sensation for a moment and when i came back i realized my shoulders were relaxing so i helped them along a bit as they are always so tense. anyway, so i have been allowing myself to let my mind wander in a sexual way. i have been talking to men online to do sexual role plays which seems to help me figure out what turns me on and what doesnt althught i still have a way to go in undertanding this. how do you know what part of fantasies you want in real life if any? are all fantasys just in your head and are meant to remain there? in a fantasy and in films i really love dominant men but does that mean in real life i want that sort of relationship? do i want to be a sub? or do i just want the sensation of being with someone who can arouse me? also if i did want to be a submissive how do you know who to trust and how can you learn how to trust? then there is the part of me which just wants to be cared for. i have been speaking to a man online about what i want. it seems so silly but that part of me just wants to be cared for in a sort of dominant way. i want him to tell me to go for a walk, to apmper myself, to go to a meditation class basically to do with care. but are there sexual undertones to that? im not sure , and if their are is that ok? am i ok with that? does that make me a little? he calls himself a *daddy*. right now i want none sexual care from him but i dont know if eventually those two parts will meet and how messed up is that if they do? wanting to have an online sexual relationship with someone you call daddy when you actually were raped by your own dad!? i dont call him daddy because it makes me feel uncomfortable and i dont even know if thats the sort of thing im asking him to do. is it? i recently have also been in touch with my inner child and im wondering if somehow i have got confused and think that part of her wanting to be cared for is connected to the sexual side. or maybe the healing part is the fact the two parts now dont ever meet? or maybe its that the two parts need to meet and have a safe sexual relationship? what would that look like in real life? would i be a sub? a little? a mix of the two? or would i need a constant online daddy to take care of me none sexually and have a real relationship with a vanilla guy or a dom? or is everything i am thinking just stuff i need to work around and then get to a *normal* relationship. when i was with my last partner i thught of him like a father and was not really interested in sexual stuff but my first partner was very much a boyfriend who i was more attracted to. maybe i just need a real life relationship with someone i am actually attracted to who can provide the feelings i need of being safe and also cared for and loved? recently becasue i have been talking to my inner child i wanted to give her something, so i went out and bougth the little mermaid on dvd and also a top with the characters on. but then im like what if its not for her what if it was for me becasue iam now more confortable with being alittle? wow i am so freaking confused. also should i be talking to this guy online? my therapist said that any bdsm relationship should take place withing a loving relationship but if you dont know what you want how do you go out and find it. also if your not ready or dont want a real life relationship are you meant to never have your needs or being cared for forfilled? and how are you meant to find out what you like and dont like? she said the care online would not be real. and i know they could be lying about who they are and im not wanting to be inlove or anything and i keep myself safe by not giving out informations or photos of myself but all i WANT right now is simulated care. if someone actually cared that much for me i would freak out. i even *pathetically* looked in to talking to a chat bot who could give me commands about what to eat and how to take care of myself. tell me which colour top to wear etc. but im also thinking if the care is not real from the online person then can i fully get what i need from it? does it need to be with a real life relationship and person to make it mean anything? im afraid that i will get confused and lose myself, think that i want to act out fantasys and go and meet ppl of the internet. i dont think i have any intention of doing that and im so overly cautious about using apps to connect with online ppl and online safety that i dont think i would actually put myself in any danger but im still afriad that somehow i will learn to trust this perosn and then they are not who they say they are and that they will hurt me some how. i think the thought of trusting anyone with my care is hard even if it is from a distance and annonymous. i even looked in to professional male dominants, i found one where you can pay to have them email you with commands, ive looked in to professional huggers! ive looked in to everything. i feel overwhelmed and lost wow im sorry for going on and on thank you so much if you have read this far and can anyone make any sence out of it? Has anyone had experience of d/s lil/big etc and online chating/roleplay? is it healthy for people like us or anyone? aggghh someone help???
  3. ramblings

    My head is such a mess recently, since jack died i feel like im in a snow globe and someone is shaking it around and not letting things settle. just when i think ive found some balance soemthing throws me again from a differernt angle. the amount of things his death has affected is shocking me. Ever since he passed i have felt anxious. waves of it flow over me and through me. ocd has geared up a evel to the point i cant now tell if it is ocd or real. ive had sucha need to feel safe and loved. i got a teddy and have been trying to meditate to find my angels love an calm but finding it difficult to connect. been going to hospital for tests because of a red pathc on the back of my mouth and i have had ocd about cancer so now i keep checking my mouth with a torch. i should have told the doctor about the little lumps at the back that i was worried about but i know im just looking for something to be scared about, somehitng to pin the anxiety on. he put a camera down my nose and throat and said it all looked fine and that it is most likely acid reflux. but because i didnt tell him about the lump i was worried about i now still cant relax and what if the acid reflux medication doesnt work will i have to have more tests? wheni went to see the ear nose and throat specialist he went round behind me and put his hands around my neck to feel for lumps but he did it with such care it really threw me. i generally dont let men touch me. as his hands felt around my neck i felt scared but also so cared for and safe. i felt like electricity move up and down my neck and my shoulders drop form the tence position they were in. ive always had a thing about needing a protector or ahero and i need one now more than ever. i felt like i just wanted to jump in to his arms and ask him to take me home with him. to protect me and look after me. he was so kind telling me how well i was doing as the camera up my nose wasnt very nice and i was shaking because i was so tense. im more into films right now with certain caring older men in it. like i just need to lose myself in a place where that man exists. somewhere i can feel safe. jack was my rock and my saftley. he had been with me my entire adult life and now he has gone. he was the only being who ever loved me unconditionally. he never abused my trust, hated me, played with my emotions or used things i said against me. he never neded anything from me in return for his love other than to love him and take care of his needs. i can honestly say that i loved him with 100% of my heart. not something i can say for any human...or any other being. i do have another dog now but although i do love him..he is not jack. jack was like my child, he went everywhere with me. he was included in everything i did....and just like that within seconds...he was gone. sometimes i think im ok then this wave of sadness comes over me and i cry like i cried when i was releasing emotions from the abuse. i guessi just have to let it take its course. ive never grieved before because i have never loved anyone like i loved him. i dont know how im meant to feel better. how long will the anxiety take to go away? will i ever find a man who can be my protector? would that be in a relationship? would that be bdsm? is the love i want even possible in the real world? does the love i need actually exist? would someone like him want a pathetic self hating blob like me anyway!? lol no. would i even let him love me if he DID want me? prob not. im fed up of these waves of anxiety i need them to stop. i just need to feel safe again. how do i do that? how do i stop worrying about mouth cancer? four different doctors have looked in my mouth and found nothing wrong apart form a slight red patch. ive had a camera down my throat and still found nothing. im sure the specialist knew what he was looking for. but what if he missed somthing, why did i not tell him about the lumps when i had the chance? because i was embarrassed and part of me knew it was ocd. i will see him in a month and will talk abotu it then but what if it is him again what if i feel scared of the emotions i have for him. it was like being touched by a god. to me he almost WAS a god. .......the rambling thoughts of a very confused lady!
  4. thank you annie, it always helps me when u comment xx
  5. jack

    as some of you know i lost my dog called jack about three months ago and ive been really struggling to come to terms with it. I recently got another dog and im having trouble bonding with him. when he meets new people he is really affectionate so when i met him he gave me hugs and stuff, ive had him for about three weeks and he doesnt really want any love or cuddles or fuss. it really hurts when i call him over for cuddles and he doesnt even come over. i feel bad for wishing id waited and gone with a different dog or that i wish i had jack and not him. he does show that he cares for me by licking me and looking out the window as i leave. when i come back after a while he is happy to see me and likes a fuss then but jack was a collie and he was very clingy, i got used to the constant neediness of him and i feel like my new dog just doesnt need me as much. jack was my rock and my saftely and my stability. i thought if i go another dog he would give me the love i need but i feel like im always being ignored by him or like he doest care about me. i dont think he has ever had a human all of his own so maybe doesnt know what he is meant to do, he is only ten months old too. some people online say that it will come in time, today he did lean against me for a rub of just above his tail which he has never done before. i had to show him that it could be nice to be stroked. I guess i just take things personally, it really upsets me when he doesnt run towards me excited to see me, jack would do that even if he had just seen me. Jack slept on my bed and my new dog sleeps downstairs. i feel guilty for not loving him as much as jack and for having thoughts that maybe he is not right for me. I know he does care about me but i feel im not getting what i need from him yet. I feel so lonely it hurts and i cry myself to sleep. i beg jack not to leave me even though i know he is already gone. i dont know how to move forward. i feel resentful towards the new dog for not being cuddly and for not being jack and then i feel guilty fo thinkgin and feeling that becasue he is just who he is. i feel in so much pain.
  6. new poem

    The love i bestowed upon you, as deep as the abyss of blue whos darkness caresses the fibre of my soul the torment of love too few your sweet and generous poisoned tongue whispering lavish lies. no resistance to my core where your dueling love resides A prison made of aging flesh my rhythmic beating heart we've danced the steps and played the game locked in battle from the start The time has come, the game must end from your love i must be free droplets of pain upon my cheek and through the fog, i'll see.
  7. time to think

    I guess i just need some time to think and to look at what is happening in my head right now and over the last few weeks after loosing jack. At first i was consumed with grief, its understandable he was like a child to me and im sure completely normal to feel so much pain and confusion about having to be the one to make the decision for the vet to put him to sleep. grief is not something i have ever experienced, it felt like my heart was ripping in pieces. I thought the pain would never subside and im not sure i wanted it to as i was afriad of losing the only connection i had to him. The way one day i would be ok and then the next day feel like bursing in to tears. His death has made me face the fragility of life. So suddenly something can take someone away from you. I found myself worried about losing the people i cared about but i also questioned what i wanted from life. i dont feel that im THERE yet. What i worry about is never truly living. Never feeling any connection to life, never really enjoying it. I feel like something is changing within me. Its time to take a step in to the world in which i live. In to the circle of people that i know care about me. A friend asked if he could come and see me and i said he could join the art group i go to if he wanted to as i feel safe there. i know it is only something small but its something i would have said no to in the past. keeping that distance. Today i happened to be off work and a friend was having an event in town for health week. I decided to go, i met up with her and got my photo taken with her and had a nice chat. im also goin to a bbq soon with a mental health group. I guess im wanting to take oportunities that come my way. i want to say yes to the *shall i do *x* instead of no. what has been holding me back? i guess i think whats the point in doing anythign, i wont enjoy it anyway...becasue i would not let myself enjoy it and i dont know why. maybe i thougt if someone could see how miserable i was then maybe that hero would come and save me or maybe someone would take control of my life for me and make it fun and exciting. i feel like i have anger towards my ex for not making me happy for not making me live my life but its MY life. i need to live it not wait for someone to take control of it for me. no one is going to do that and if i keep waiting then one day i will be old and regret not living. Ive always thought no one i find attractive could love me but im starting to think that there is a possibility that someone could. relationships are so far in the distance but i guess my end goal is to love somone and to have a sexual relationship which involves my mind not just my body. this is a long way off but maybe one day i could love someone. I dont know how much i could love them though or trust them. Ive been thinking about the *film thing* where i feel *love* for a tv character which boarders on obsession and feels filled with pain and self hatred. Ive recently had a *film thing* to a lesser degree than it used to be and ive been sort of working on what it means. I know i went to that head space becasue i needed the feeling of being safe and comforted after jack died but i couldnt get as deep as i used to get in the feelings of the character. i think this is because i know it is unhealthy and ive come so far in sort of backing away from the need of this love. It may always be a small part of me but i feel like its moving in to a different location in my mind. its becoming (or trying to become) healthier and not my main source of kind loving feelings. I dont really understand all the feelings i have towards the character, they are confused. Sometimes i think it is a kind of father daughter relationship but it involves sexual feelings aswell as being cared for. I feel like it is changing in my mind but im not sure how. im afriad of losing him and im afriad of the sexual feeling ive been having. Im afraid of wanting a relationship with a real man and im afriad of the feelings i could have for him. I feel like im trying to let go of the fantasy in my mind that i have clung on to for as long as i could remember of being cared for. I guess i gave myself everything i never had as a child, a feeling of safety and love. But it was more real to me than real life. If i thought about having a relationship i would find myself saying ...but its not real. As though my real life was the one i created in my mind where it was safe. I cant live my life like this, knowing that the hero isnt real and hating myself for him not loving me. i want to be able to love someone who is real one day. i want to connect with people. i dont know why i cant connect with people if i hold on to the hero and the feelings of self hate. i feel like although the connecting i want to do is just with friends generally and does not involve sexual seems somehow connected to it. Like if i want to be even slightly connected to people i have to let go of the hero which is sexual feelings aswell as love and trust becasue it is holding me back. i dont really understand why. why cant have him and connect with people? i dont know. Maybe i can but in a different way, maybe he can just be someone i talk to inside. Maybe i am holding on to him but in doing so im also holding on to all the pain which oes with him an the pain is like a weight holding me back from living my life. Like a lead weight tighed around my ankle. im scared to know that one day i would like to feel sexual with a man, im scared to admit that to myself but i know it is a long way off. im afriad of losing control and sleeping with just anyone or putting myself in a dangouros situation. i know in reality im not stupid and wouldnt do that but its a worry in my mind. Last night i went in to meditation, the hero was sitting on a rock and i spoke to him. this time i was not a child i was an adult. we spoke about how confused i was and in real life i cried. part of me needs to hold on to him while part of me needs to let go. maybe i can find a way to do both. sorry for the ramblings, thanky ou if you read to the end
  8. Thank you so much rev and Kate. I'm so sorry that you lost your cat, I understand how painful it is. I hope your feeling better now. I totally understand not wanting to get better too. Like letting go of the grief would be letting go of him. I'm not really sure what I'm going right now, feel sort of lost. Hopefully in time the pain will lessen for both of us xxx
  9. loosing jack

    I feel lost right now. My baby jack had to be put to sleep last week. My heart was broken. Ive never cried with such pain in all my life. I'm so tired. It hurts and I'm holding it in, I don't want to feel how bad it feels inside. Its truly heartbreaking. I feel like I'm shutting down, far away from everything and everyone. All I want is him and I know he can never come back. He was always there for me, the only being who never let me down, who asked nothing of me but to love him. I loved him more Tha i could ever love anyone. I feel guilt for ending his life, I know it wad the right thing to do but I worry I did it because i didn't want to watch him suffer,because it wad too painful to me..for selfish reasons. What if I had realised he was sick sooner? I know there wad nothing they could do anyway because he was elderly. Should I have waited another day? No. He wouldn't have got any better he was getting worse. I hate myself for being so quick to put him to sleep. Like I couldn't wait to get rid of him. Didn't I love him? Did I want to get rid of him? That's what the intrusive voices told me for months as he got older and weaker. I did everything I could for him, he knew I Loved him so much and I know he loved me too. Watching the vet inject him was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I should have stopped him, it wad my duty as his mother to protect him and I couldn't save him. I couldn't male him ok again. I cried uncontrollably and I worry he heard me before he went and that it upset him. I should have remembered to give him both pulls for his balance every day but that wouldn't have stopped him having cancer. He had such a good life with me, he knew id always be there for him and I was right up until his last breath although I couldn't watch. I'm now worried about death and seem fascinated with it. Watching clips on you tube of disasters over and over. The speed of it, how quickly someone is there then they are not. Just like that. In a moment everything you are is gone and who am I? What have I done with my life? Been depressed and full of self pity. Would anyone cry for me as I do for him? Can I love anyone as much as I loved him? Can I open my heart again to another dog knowing it feels this bad to lose him? I'm afraid of losing the few ppl I care about. Suddenly life seems so fragile and how would i cope without their support if something happens to them? What should I do with his ashes? Will I ever be happy? I'm getting older and I'm getting scared that I'm never going to be the person I thought I would be. I'm afraid. Afraid of never truly living. What my dad did to me changed me iin to the person I am. How do I know what is fantasy to aim for and what is actually achievable? Maybe that fun filled glossy advert is not what life is. I just want to feel connections with people. I want to trust and love people. I know ive made progress, even recently but it never seems enough. Ive missed out on so much time that I can never get back. Maybe its time to start enjoying life while I'm still here to enjoy it. Thanks for reading. Sorry for ling rant
  10. POCD?

    Ive just read a thing on line aboout something called POCD. it is ocd but centred on the fear of becomming a peadophile. It was so good to read something that finally made sence to me. Ive been saying for so long that it feels like ocd and that the feelings i get down there when i see children feel like stress. And there it was in black and white, all the feelings i have been feeling and so many people have it. I was so scared that the feeling down there could be me being turned on when i see kids but i dont think it is and i have looked in to it and asked people and even if it was me being turned on i know now that it would not mean i was like my abuser because it would be because my brain is wired to link anything to do with abuse with sex and then i get that feleing. this helped me feel more relaxed but iknew it was not really being turned on it is like a stress reasction and im so releaved to have a name for it. That im not the only one. i thought mayby they were body memories or flashbacks, i dont know if they are but it feels more like me being stressed. i know i have said to T a few times that it feels like ocd the way my thoughts are about it. Does anyone know anyhting about POCD? does anyone suffer from it?
  11. feeling dirty

    recently ive been lookig at the feeling i get in my privates when i see children or anything to do wih sex. it happenes when i see men i find attractive and sometimes just random men and men with beards. Im so scared that it is a turned on feeling and that if it was it ould make me disgusting like my father who abused me. I think it may just be a fear response, a tightening of muscles in my stomach and abdomen which makes down there have a twitching sort of sensation. But im afraid it is something more and my head is going round and round asking myself what i feel and why i feel it. The worst thing in the world would to be like him. The more i think abotu it the worse it gets and the more it happens but i need to look at this . I could feel so much better if i knew that sensation was not being tuned on. I wonder if other abuse survivors get turned on by seeing kids? And if they have come to terms with the fact it is just a responce because if what happened not because they are like their abusers. Do people go through that? Is that a THING? im so scared of being like him even though i know im not. its like my brain will turn anything in to a negative to prove how disgusting i am. Please someone tell me that if i was aroused when i see kids that im not like him, it would put my mind at rest.
  12. todays thoughts

    i just feel so fed up i guess right now or maybe like numb appart from stress and feeling of anxiousness. Trying to hold back all the stuff in my head so that i can feel safe. Im not enjoying anything right in a 'get it done' sort of mood with everything but once ive done it i dont know what i want to do. all i want to do is sleep. Feel run down and like i need a holiday. Think the fact ive been thinking so much about all the stuff i still have left to deal with has really taken it out of me. I guess im questioning if im ready to go down this road with the therapy or if i should put it all back and focus of enjoying life for a bit longer. Part of me wonders if i should give it a go in a slow carful way to see if i can just look at the surface of this area without bringing up everything. Today my boss said i looked like id had enough and that i want to go home. i dont know exactly how she can see it but it was true. Im worried about how i come across, i hope she doesnt think i dont want to be there in general even if i have days where i dont really want to be there. She said i seem not bothered about much today. i guess im worried that i seem like im just thowing things around and not doing a good job. i asked if my work was ok and she said i do a great job and they are very happy with my work and that its ok to have off days but i have felt recently that ihave been enjoying things less. But i guess that is just the weight of the stuff on my mind. Its amazing ho much energy it can take out of you being that stressed and how it can affect everything in your life. Maybe the waether is not helping either, its gettign darker and i tend to shut down and almost hibernate. i dont like the fact i seem to be losing the ability to talk to people easier. the stress i feel deep down is making me close down and be less chatty.
  13. random rant

    Random rant... So I was talking to someone I work for the other day and we got talking about when he hired me. I had sent an email asking about the job and a few emails later I mentioned my anxiety problem. I got the impression after that he was trying to convince me not to take the job and it turned out to be true as they had just fired someone else with depression for not showing up and they were unsure about going down same road. They told me that she i rang he was really shocked at how confident I sounded and he said *this person shouldn't have an anxiety problem* and that *I'm no wilting flower* I'm not sure how to take all this. He seems to think that if you have anxiety that you have to be really weak. I can be confident AND have an anxiety problem. The phrase *your no wilting flower* gets my back up and I'm not sure if it should. I seem to take it as a sort of insult and I'm not sure its intended as such. I get the feeling like they think I don't look vulnerable because I large and therefore cant be anxious. Or that I'm making up being anxious because I'm not always like that. Only in certain circumstances. Ii guess some of it is a long term issue ive had about wanting to look a certain way so that my hero will come and rescue me. If I don't look weak then he won't save me and that would be my fault for being ugly and fat. I know none of that is true but that's something ive been struggling with all my life si when ppl say I'm no wilting flower I feel hurt. Maybe I want to appear to be so that someone will save me. I'm not sure it is meant in a negative way he could just have confused ideas about anxiety. He keeps asking me what I'm anxious about when with customers. Its so hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it. Also my mum the other day said she needs to get an electrician out and I said I would need her to be in the house at same time as I don't like being alone when people come round and she said...well that's annoying. I said immediately..yes it is annoying having an anxiety problem. I mean if someone had a broken leg and they needed help carrying bags would you say...thats annoying?? No you would understand that they have no choice. Their leg is broken and they need help so you would help them! End of conversation. Now I'm getting mentally stronger I'm starting to question the way ppl treat me and mental illness rather than just internally agreeing that..yes I am annoying or useless. Because I'm not, I have a good heart and talents and I just happen to also have some mental health needs too. I hadn't realised before how much prejudice there is against mental illness. It really doesn't help when you feel your worthless and a burden anyway. Anyway...rant over lol
  14. My Ex

    So my ex, neill and i were together for 15 years. It was a rocky road but in dec we split and have remained friends. We have stayed pretty close and see each other regularly but then last weeek he told me he has started dating someone called kate. My world fell appart. It hurts so much that he could love someone else and i feel guilty for feeling angry towards him when it was more my decision to split up. The part of me that loved/ loves him is the part that needs caring, the part that needed a parent. But our relationship was never really one of boyfriend and girlfriend. We were sexual to a point but only becasue i felt obligated and that he would leave me if i didnt. Anyway, since the split i have been doing fine but then when he told me this i felt like he had moved on faster than i have. I still feel very much connected to him and i dont know how to be around him now. He still wants to be friends but even talking to him on facebook brings me to tears. I feel like the child part of me that needed a carer is trying to move on becasue me and her know that we have to now. It feels like im fighting to stay positive and to build a life for myself. But im also fighting the need to go and be cuddled by him, to have him take care of me. I guess thats all i ever wanted from him and as i grew ive realised that the relationship we had was not healthy for either of us. The truth is i would have been happy as we were for a long time, him being my carer and me really giving him my life. I feel like i put my life in his hands and just let him look after it, i was giving him the responsibility for taking care of me and making me happy and now i need to take that responsibility even though it is hard. I feel alot of pain, i think some of it is the normal pain people feel when a partner moves on but i think lm trying to move away from him emotionally becasue i dont feel i can be as close to him as i was when he is wih someone else. But im not sure how close is too close. I mean, we called ourelves friends but snuggled on the sofa and huggled and stuff like that and i dont know if that is normal (probably not) and in dont know how i can just be friends with him after so long and how my inner child feels about him. Its like 'the film thing' where i go in to a tv or film and there is a hero who i can imagine saveing me, its like adrug where i know i shouldnt coz its bad for me to watch it but it feels so good when i lose myself in the film. With neill it is the same, i know that i should have time to find myself and build up a life for myself but the other part of me is saying...well maybe we can stay as we are despite him seeing somone else. But i know i cant, it would hurt to much to know he loves someone else but i also know i need to move on but letting him go is going to be one of the hardest things i think i have ever done. I also want to still have him in my life, he is ahuge support and rock in my landscape. In some ways it would be good if i just walked away and didnt see him again and i now can fully understand why people dont have friendships with ex's. but i would feel so lost without him. Im worried that if i dont see him for a while i may not want to see himm again and that idea hurts and scares me. The thought of him having a life with someone else and being happy without me really hurts. im also worried that i have made the wrong decision in ending the relationship but i kinda know it was the right thing to do no matter how painful it is for me. Neithe rof us were happy, we wanted different things form the relationship but im worried that i will heal and then realise i can now have an adult relationship and then it will be too late, he will have moved on. i guess im not sure if i should spend time with him right now or not. Part of me wants to prove to myself that i can be ok around him but the other part knows that i need time aaway from him to let the pain settle. hugs would be appreciated if anyone has any spare
  15. my brain hurts

    ive been thinking so much recent,y that i feel my head is going to burst. Its like i have been at war with myself and i couldnt work out why. Im so tired from it all that i just want to sleep all the time. I think i i have figured out what is going on. Part of me is trying to release as much of the pain trapped in side as possible so that i can be happy and the other part of me wants to focus on life. Ive never been very good at doing things slow and steady, im more of a all or nothing type of person so i am findign it really difficult to put the box of emotions further away from me in order to focus on life and allowing myself to be happy even though there is all the pain in the box. I thought that i had to release it all as quickly as possible so i could live my life but maybe it is ok to say...ok so i have not dealt with it all but i have done really well and maybe the next stage is to not have the pain in my conciousness all the time but to put it to one side so that i can also enjoy life as much as i can. I guess i thought and still think that i need a therapists permission or aproval to do this as i am worried that it is somehow unhealthy to not focus on the pain all the time and that if i focus more on the other direction of enjoying life will i ever want to re visit that box again? Or is it just that im not ready to deal with what is in it right now? I think both may be true. Im not ready to deal with all the stuff that is left but if i enjoy life i may not want to go back to the box. WOuld this be ok if i didnt go back? would that mean he won or that i can never REALLY be happy? I think that a shift is taking place in side. Before therapy i didnt feel anything, then i felt it all. I have gradually been releasing the pain ove the last five years or so but i guess now i feel that it is ok to have a balance. That i need to put the box in a different location for now. But even though i feel this is the right thing to do something is holding me back so i feel stuck. I guess im not sure that it is healthy and i have been tryignto find a therapist to go to for some sort of approval on it but the last two i have seen i didnt like. So now i keep having an argument with myself about wether or not to have therapy. Im getting agitated and cranky because im not allowing myself to give myself what i need which is to move the bloody box. i guess i dont know whaich is the right wy forward. I want to be happy but i dont know how to be. I dont know if moving the box is the best way to find happiness or ifi am meant to focus on the pain to relase it which would then allow me to find happiness? uughh my head hurts