jollyrancher

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About jollyrancher

  • Birthday March 3

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    USA
  1. I was depressed for the first year after. very. i felt the same way. it turns out i was afraid to deal with it. once i faced it life became so much easier. You will end up dealing with it all in your own way when the time is right but not until the time is right. u may not know that time but it will happen. if that makes sense! just remember. you are strong!
  2. With my husband I feel like I fit. He loves me. He looks at me like he could never do a single thing to hurt me. EVERYTHING. everything about him makes me feel perfect. he looks into my eyes and makes my heart melt. i belong. for the first time in my whole life, i belong with someone. Then today, i have flashbacks of my ex. flashbacks of how he hurt me. flashbacks of the good times we had. flashbacks of everything. then I see hes story he wrote about me 3 years ago. He loved me. He. Loved. Me. or did he? Does love force people into doing what you tell them not? I say.. no. no please stop. please I dont want this. he shoves me to the floor and said you came with me which means you do. He finishes and tells me he will hurt me again if i ever tell anyone. he says you wanted it. you wanted me. Did I want him? well that depends what you define "want" as. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held. I wanted a relationship. I wanted a forever. I did not want to be hit. I did not want to be pushed. I did not want to be held down. I did not want him to not listen to what i said. I did not want to be hurt. I made this site 2 years ago. i titled it someday stronger. Someday is today. I am stronger. I AM STRONGER! I just want to be even stronger. He cant control me anymore... but it is supposed to feel like this? It should feel amazing. amazing that I have an amazing husband. I am so happy. Life is perfect right now... But then I feel sad, and almost ...just almost like i miss him. I miss my ex? really why? Is it because he was the first person I loved, the first person i trusted? but he hurt me. He Hurt me. and then he did it again and again in many ways. We dated for 2 years... the first year was great... but the second year... the second year is when it turned. Its like he changed. I cant figure out what is real and what isnt. I dont understand. but at the same time i hate me. I despise him with all of me. I dont want to see him or hear from him ever again.. but at the same time then there is the part of me that wants him to want me again, wants him to miss me. I then want him to suffer and be miserable because he cant have me and my life is perfect... so what is it supposed to feel like. am i supposed to be this confused? this was my free writing random thoughts for the night...
  3. spouse problems

    I feel like my husband still blames me for everything. He doesn't blame me for getting hurt the first time...but he blames me for continuing going back to my ex-boyfriend after he hurt me. I was scared and felt trapped and he threatened me annnd hello i was 17... What was i supposed to do at this point? its been awhile, why cant it just go away. someone brings it up and then we argue. eghhh it frustrates me. It makes me feel like everything is my fault again. My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately and I am scared. so automatically the flashbacks start and everything gets hard. then of course i cant talk to him since everything is just my fault anyway. eghh sometimes i just want to cry. I feel so useless and pathetic right now!
  4. paranoid much?

    Wow... I have just decided that i am paranoid! I already knew i was way ocd but seriously? really?! My ex has probably gone and forgotten all about who I was or even am. Why would i worry bout him coming back?! i kno he tried hard to get in contact for awhile and did again not too long ago... but maybe im just overthinking everything! Maybe i need to chill out. if he talks to me it wont be the end of the world. Im a hell of a lot stronger than before when he would get in my head. I dont think he would be able to hold any power over me. i mean...hes a moron! I got a 100% person on my nursing check offs today so i am pumped! My wonderful husband is brought me to dinner to celebrate then tomorrow we are going to see avatar finally! He is such a sweet heart. Why couldnt i have met him before i met that asshole of an ex...but then again i am a lot stronger because of my ex so idk. everything has a reason right? I recently have been just examining myself and i realized something... I am proud of who I am. The person I became, and of my accomplishments. THis is HUGE for me! I have this wonderful self confidence like never before. I look in the mirror and for once.. i like who i see. No one will ever take that from me again! I have so much to be thankful for! Life throws you shit but if you get through it... ur such a strong person. when i started bloggin here at pandys my name was someday stronger.... and you know what... I am finally getting there. I am finally getting stronger!
  5. Life is better

    I am finally getting back to myself. My body is starting to act normal again and im feelin so much better. School is good but stressful. everything is actualy goin pretty ok right now and it makes me really happy! im finally to the point that i can laugh about what an ass my ex was rather than get down.. sure it gets hard here and there... esp in nursing when they talk about sexual abuse but everything is pretty good. makes me happy
  6. talk about emotional rollercoaster

    The title says it all. I can't write much right now but I just need to vent. 2 weeks ago i had a miscarriage...i was 6 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant on Birth control and was not happy about it. But then i realized i would be ok, I have people that love me that would help me through the pregnancy. I started to love the idea and my husband was fine with it, althought it wasnt a convenient time.... Then I had a miscarriage. Now i feel inadequate about the stupidest thing and for some reason now i want a baby even thought i know its not a good time. Its sooo frustrating! Im hoping my emotions and body will get back to normal soon! I keep being so moody! my poor hubby!!! Off to church!
  7. INLAWS

    I am shaking i am soooo mad right now! I dont know what to do! I am soooo sick of my inlaws..mainly my sister in law and mother in law! THEY ARE SUCH BITCHES! i spent MY christmas vacation with them away from MY family and what do they do?! Treat me like complete shit! They argue about everything i mean EVERY LITTLE THING! NEWS FLASH NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! My husband sees it...he just ignores it. Does he seriously not love me enough to stand up to his F***ING MOMMY?!?! He even makes me look like a bitch. I am just about done with their family. They have shown me over and over again that i dont belong there and they didnt pick me well hello...i didnt pick them either. I AM SICK OF THEM! I have never had a problem getting a long with anyone except my ex and a girl in high school yearrsss ago. TWO PEOPLE! Now I have to put up with them?! and they are supposed to be family?! My sister in law treated me like my ex used to treat me the whole vacation! TALK ABOUT FLASHBACKS! ughh. worst vacation of my life and thats when i was supposed to be relaxing because i been stressing too much! BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!!!!! and whats my husband do?? say nothing..whats her parents do??? say nothing! SHE is 20 years old?! WHEN WILL SHE GROW THE F*** up. Someone needs to put her in her place! She needs to be whooped! someone hit her with a stuffed animal and she cried...but not just that. she screamed at her dad bout him bein a jerk. waited for pple to look at her..then cried. woooowww and shes mature??? really?? i mean really now? What do i do?! How to i react to all this?! I promised myself i would never let myself get treated bad again but how do i deal with it bein family??? I appologize..there is a lot of language in this blog and im not being a very good christian but i am sooo mad!!!! INLAWS AHHH
  8. Let me take this opportunity to tell you what is wrong with you... NOTHING! you are human! You are hurting.. It is all completely normal. After it happened i didnt want to be around people for about a year. and i hid from everyone and never did anything. nightmares are awful. They bring back everything worse than could be imagined. Let me tell ya. I used to pray soo much every day just for God to take me off this earth. i was tired of it. I was on pain killers for months and didnt want to get off of them. Hun you are NOT alone. It's hard but i just want you to kno you arent alone and it will get better with time. If you need to talk about anything send me a message but ((hugs)) if ok. Nothing is wrong with you. You are a beautiful person that did not deserve any of this. I am sorry you are going through it.
  9. Stand Back Up

    Go ahead and take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before, I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren't we all? I might lose my way, but hear me when i say, I will stand back up, Youll know just the moment when ive have enough, Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough, But I'll stand back up, I've been beaten up and bruised, I've been kicked right off my shoes, Been down on my knees more times than youd believe, When the darkness tries to get me, Theres a light that just wont let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I'll stand back up, I've weathered all these stroms, But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly, What dont kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath, Thats when I'll just give up, So, go ahead to take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, You might win this round but you cant keep me down, 'Cause I'll stand back up, And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough, Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough, But I'll stand back up, Youll know just the moment when ive had enough, Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough, But I'll stand back up. Sugarland- Stand back up
  10. Is this normal?!

    Every freaking time I have a big day or something, My past always creeps in! My anniversary was this week. Last weekend we had a wonderful weekend that my husband planned out. Then monday was our anniversary! Well, I was having a rather great day and was ready and got on facebook where one of my friends (who is also my ex's friend) started talking to me. He started bringing up stuff that he knew from my ex that we had "been together" and all this stuff. How much do you think he honestly knew? He basically told me that he knows I didnt have a choice and everything but then proceeded to make me look like such a bad guy for not going back to my ex after he had dumped me, and not to mention after everything he did to me. He started going on about how "he loved me so much" "he wanted to marry me" Now he is into drugs and everything and thats probably why..me! And i said, why would you force someone to sleep with you multiple times when they were in pain and didnt want to, control someone, Be a complete A** to someone, dump them twice BRUTALLY and then really expect me to believe that "He loved me and wanted to marry me". If you Love someone you just dont do that to them. As soon as i was off my painkillers, I got away from him and I have been very happy since. I am married to an amazing guy that has helped me through everything. But it just made me all upset. Being told its my fault without him even knowing the whole story is ridiculous Is it normal to be upset about this. It seems like every time there is a big day (holidays, valentines day, MY ANNIVERSARY!) He always has a way of finding himself into my head and hurting me. Exactly a year after he did it to me he made sure to get in touch. YES, Like he said, I was a total IDIOT for staying with him. But he doenst even know what my ex did to me. Honestly, I am a 5'4, (at that time 100 lbs and SICK) and my ex was 6'4 and a hell of a lot stronger than me. What do i do when he threatens me and scares the shit out of me? Well, I listened, I didnt want any of my family, friends, or anyone close to me getting hurt. So i listened. I let myself get hurt so that nothing horrible would happen. If i would have not been so naive i would have definitly went and reported him but it was hard! I know that my ex came back to me after and was all "mr nice" and said "I am so sorry i did everything that i did to you. I Basically raped you and I shouldnt have. I am sorry for everything i did to you. I lost the best thing and Ill never get anyone better" Ya.. ok you admited that you raped me oh and then a week later start calling me things and tryin to control me again? thanks... That makes everything so better. and ya, you lost "the best thing that you will ever get" Because no one will let you control them like i did, no one will do everything for you like i did... I did it out of fear and i will NEVER Let anyone treat me like that again! NEVER Does anyone honestly understand? or does everyone just think I was some idiot that let myself get hurt? (and by everyone i guess i mean people here since the only people that know besides here is my brother and sister, my husband, my best friend, and 2 of his friends...Not because i told them but because they know me well enough that they knew i didnt willingly sleep with him." Sometimes I dont even know. Part of me is really starting to think i need to go to a therapist. Ive never wanted to before but at this point. I think i am getting better and then, I am just a mess. I doubt whether it was even "rape" or not. I have this on going battle going on in my head with everything. For some reason, I want to forget about everything But then I get on his facebook (on someone elses account. i havent made contact with him for 10 months) just to see what he is doing. Part of me wants to just hope everything in his life sucks and part of it is to know where he is so i feel safer. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I kno this is a place where people normally dont comment and such and that is fine. But if anyone wants to send me a message or comment on here i would really appreciate it because i really am confused. And you can be completely honest with how you feel even if you think its something i wont want to here because I can handle the truth. HELP
  11. Sometimes life is just a mess

    Lately, I have been wanting to write stuff. Just come here and write random things on this blog. But, I didn't know what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say anything! It comes down to this: -Life has been confusing lately...and I am really confusing -I have been up and down. I feel great health wise but am still being haunted which leads me to -Feelings I feel I can't control. Why is it all still coming back to me and telling me it's my fault...was it my fault? am i just that stupid? am i remembering wrong? NO...I am remembering right. I remember what he said and did... -School has me stressed. I feel like I cant do it no matter how hard I try. I get mostly A's but i still feel like i cant do it.... I doubt myself ever since him...He makes me feel this way.. -My one year anniversary with my husband is next week. I should be SOO HAPPY, and i am.. But im still having nightmares and being scared. When I got married last year...my ex said that he got thrown in jail after a bar fight because of me (whether its true or not...i have no idea) but who is to say on my anniversary he wont come and try to hurt me because hes mad?! I dont get it...He didnt want me and he hurt me but then when I got married he all of a sudden wanted me...why? -I really wonder if he still thinks of me...Part of me wants him to remember every day what he did to me and what he lost because of it. but then i think..if he does think of that everyday he might go even crazier and do something worse... I just dont know. I havent spoken to him since january...Luckly i finally got everything changed and blocked that he had no way of contacting me.. - then there is the fact of thanksgiving and christmas... i kno they are months away but im still sitting and thinkin of everything that could happen when i go back to my hometown. -I think i am CRAZY. do i really worry too much? Thats all I am going to write for now but really? What is going on with me. I think sometimes that i am just a complete mess.
  12. Welcome to Pandy's! I hope that it does help you. It has sure helped me a lot! Good luck
  13. How could this happen to me?

    I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light I can't remember how I can't remember why I'm lyin' here tonight And I can't stand the pain And I can't make it go away No I can't stand the pain Chorus: How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on as I'm fadin' away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me? Everybody's screamin' I try to make a sound but no one hears me I'm slippin' off the edge I'm hangin' by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can't explain what happened And I can't erase the things that I've done No I can't How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on As I'm fadin' away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on as I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me? untitled by simple plan I made the mistake of trusting someone for the first time. Now i just want the pain to stop....
  14. Busy busy busy

    Well, the title tells it all. I have been extremely busy lately which has really helped me a LOT! A few weeks ago i went to my hometown to visit family (which is also the place i was hurt 1.5 years ago) I went there without my husband and i expected the worse. I knew my ex was gone for the month and that another guy who always followed me and tried to hurt me was gone so i felt a little safer. I was still scared of triggers and everything but much to my surprise everything went ok. I had a wonderful time seeing everyone and catching up! I didn't have any trouble until my in-laws came back to stay at our house. They knew my ex but they didn't know that he hurt me or we even dated. So they talked about the family abit and a bunch of different things that triggered me major. One night I went to sleep and had a terrible nightmare about him. It felt so real and it scared me so much. I woke up shaking and went right into having the worse panic attack i think i have ever had, and i havent had one for 2 or 3 months now. i thought i was getting better! I continued to have an awful day. I also had mono a few months ago for a while. like 4 months. and if you know anything about mono, when you get really stressed and stuff i guess you can relapse for the first year....sooo guess who has mono again...ME. totally sucks. Again I have gotten better since then, i have only had a few nightmares or memories. Part of me feels like it never really happened, that everything was just some bad dream. Hopefully i can keep healing without too much drawback. My husband has been soo wonderful to me and has been helping me a ton. we have more company coming this weekend and we are pretty excited. I just hope that i continue to get better. It gets so hard sometimes.
  15. Will it ever go away?

    I have had a good week. Got a great grade on my test that i was so worried about (had a bad day before that) but then it all changed. my husbands brother came and his friend and its been nice to get my mind off stuff for awhile. its different for me. I used to be so outgoing and stuff with friends. Wanted to be around a lot of people. Then, my life changed when i was betrayed and hurt. after that i became more of a loner. i realize that, i realize i push people away! its so hard tho and sometimes i just dont know what to do! i dont want to get hurt again...not again. My ex's brother talked to me today...i just went from flashback to flashback. He was really nice..but the whole family is like that...tell you what you want to hear, then hurt you. Now im upset, hurting inside. The family doesnt know what happened...doesnt know what he did to me.....so now they blame me that he is unhappy. how ridiculous is that... He hurt me...then HE broke up with me...now he isnt happy and its my fault?! what am i supposed to do? keep going back to him to ''make him happy'' NO i did that! I did that for months because i was scared very scared and i was broken. but no i cant do it again...its been a year since i really even saw him last (i saw him twice following me but i mean since i saw him and actually talked to him) Now i am happy....i am married and away from him...far away, yet...i still hurt from what he did to me. i have trouble trusting anyone, sometimes my own husband. and thats not right! I am tired of getting depressed because of how stupid i was! WHY did i go to his house that day?! How stupid was i?! i should have known better than to trust him! I was so dumb! I just want to know if it will ever go away because its been awhile since he hurt me yet i am still hurting!! next week i go to my home town...lets see if i can be any more a mess than i already am, going back to the place where there were so many memories! He was so nice to me...he was my best friend, then he was my boyfriend...he was never supposed to hurt me in that way. how was i so blind?! now i realize it was all in vain..he told me what he thought i wanted to hear and most of the time was right! He controlled me...congratulations...you were hte first person i fully trusted and you were the first person to take everything i had and completely betray me! Dont you feel good about yourself now? Dont you? Sitting around lonely...just doing drugs...scared to sleep with anyone else because u dont want an STD..you only go after virgins...Bastard...thats what he is...A flat out bastard. I dont even know how i feel anymore!