This is hard for me to write. I can't tell you my name because I've never told this to anyone before. When I was 3 1/2 until I was 5 years old I was to an after school day care. It was only a few hours every day but we always had a nap time. For some reason I always had to nap in the woman's teenage son's room. He would come in every day and start to do stuff to me. He'd touch me, he'd make me touch him. I hate the word molest. It's disgusting to me but I guess that's what it was... disgusting. One day he told me he was going to show me how baby's were made and he took my pants off me and tried to put his penis inside me. I was too small. I guess he didn't want to hurt me. I can remember exactly what pants I was wearing. They had flowers on the pockets. I never wanted to wear them again - as if it was the pants' fault. Can you imagine being four and thinking you were going to have a baby? I started getting constant urinary tract infections. This happened every day. I was terrified to take a nap.. to fall asleep. I should have told my babysitter, my parents, someone but I didn't know what to tell them. I just knew I hated it. The memories are fragmented but clear. I would give any amount of money to forget. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I was 5 we moved. Problem solved. I had a normal childhood, good even. I was a little quiet, a little reserved but happy. When I was 15 I went to a party with some friends and there were so many people there; some from my school and a lot from other schools. It was a keg party. I got separated from my friends but was having a good time. The house was at was up in the hills and had a lot of property surrounding it. I don't know why I went off by myself. I think I was looking for someone? I will skip over the details. I ran into a group of guys who went from friendly to scary in moments. There were 4 of them. They had some kind of knife or they said they did. I feel like an idiot that I don't actually know. Stupid right? I was punched twice - once in the face and once in the stomach. They raped me over and over. They took turns. When they were done they just walked away. I don't know who they were, except that they didn't go to my school. I wanted to die. I prayed as I lay there that my heart would just stop and I could be gone from such an awful world. But at some point I managed to get up. I ran into two guy friends who asked if I was okay. I said yes. They said they didn't believe me and walked me back to my friends. They were stoned out of their heads which was a relief - they wouldn't remember to ask about it the next day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I got home I did exactly what you're not to do. I hate the word victim too. I took the longest, hottest shower I could then put my clothes in the trash. And then I cried. A lot. The next day I convinced myself I could forget and "move on" - if I acted like everything was normal it would go back to being normal. But I was a mess - scared, sad, hurt, angry, humiliated. But no one knew and I wasn't about to tell. I got by with a terrible secret lodged in my heart like a brick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then I missed my period. I passed it off as stress. I wasn't eating much, I was always upset/sad/angry, I was sleeping less. But the next month when I missed my period I got scared. I asked a friend to buy a pregnancy test for another "friend"... they believed it wasn't for me. I was the "good one". I took the test in the bathroom at McDonalds and it was positive. I threw up. I was staying at my friends house that weekend and I desperately wanted to tell her. I needed a friend to confide in so badly. But her mom and mine were really good friends and I just couldn't take the risk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why couldn't I tell my parents? I thought it would kill them. I still think that. We weren't that close either. And now that I was pregnant I knew I could never tell. They weren't really active in any church but they were traditionally religious. I never thought I would consider an abortion but I honestly didn't know what else to do. How could I have a baby? I had no money and I couldn't even drive. Out of desperation I called one of those hotline numbers. I hung up before I could even say anything. How could I admit something so awful to a total stranger? I had no idea how to find out about an abortion. Although the thought of it broke my heart I felt like it was my only option. The nearest Planned Parenthood was a hour away and I was a minor. I thought about things I could do to make myself lose the baby. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about ending my own life but I knew I couldn't go through with it. I felt pathetic, and cowardly. I still feel like a coward as I sit here writing this. If you are disgusted with me right now you are not alone. I hate myself for what I thought and what I almost did and for what I did not do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hated lying to my friends every single day as I pretended like nothing was wrong. So I started hanging out with them less and less. I woke up every morning panicked. I just wanted my life back. The whole time I felt like there must be something very wrong with me. Women are raped far too often and it's tragic and horrible. But if it happens to the same person more than once can it still be rape? Doesn't it mean there is something wrong with me? I hated myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Before the end of my first trimester I lost the baby. It was painful and sad. I didn't want to be pregnant but I didn't want my baby to die. By some miracle I was able to keep this all from my parents. I told them I was sick. Communication was never my family's strong point so I guess I was lucky. It's been years and most of the time I think I'm "over it". I try not to think about it. I hate thinking about it. And what's the point? It's over. Why should it matter? I fell off my bike when I was 10 and still have a scar but I'm not scared of bikes and I certainly don't think about it over and over. I don't have nightmares about bike accidents. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I guess I should mention that I'm LDS (aka Mormon). Why does this matter? The Church values chastity, virtue, and purity and I believe should be valued. But what about me? I read articles and talks and understand that "it wasn't my fault" but that doesn't change the fact that no matter how "good" I am I will never be a virgin again or pure enough. No amount of goodness and chastity now will take back what happened then. I'm not saying I'm going to go sleep around because it doesn't matter but what I am saying is that I know that the kind of guy I would want to marry would never want to marry me. And I can't blame him. Whoever he is. A guy who has "saved himself" deserves a wonderful young woman who has done the same. I understand that people make mistakes and I certainly believe in repentance and forgiveness but if it wasn't my fault then what do I have to repent of? How can I fix what I didn't ruin? I sometimes wish it was my fault because then I could fix it, and move on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As for a nice LDS man wanting to marry someone like me who is no where near a virgin I guess that is a little premature since I hardly date. I just can't. I am sure my friends think I'm a freak, or a loser or something like that (okay so I doubt a friend would call me a loser) but dating just isn't fun for me. I just don't feel safe around guys. I can imagine this sounds over dramatic. Maybe it is. But all I've ever known is pain and humiliation. I do want a husband and a family and to be married in the temple. I want to have children. But lately all I can think about is the baby I could have had but didn't want. I know I'm not being fair to myself when I think like that - I was only 15, but I'm not 15 anymore and I can't forgive myself for the feelings and thoughts I had while I was pregnant. I guess what I want most right now is to be brave enough to tell someone. It's not that I don't trust the friends I have but I don't want them to be digusted with me or look at me differently. I hate lying to them. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to tell.