anydays9

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About anydays9

  • Birthday 10/27/1981

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  • Website URL
    http://

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Virginia, USA
  • Interests
    I enjoy hanging out with my twin sis, my friends, listening to live music, dancing, hiking the mountains, and the love of my life---photography!! :) it gives me a voice in a way that i can not otherwise articulate.
  1. hangign in there.....

    so, i'm hanging in there......its been a pretty tough 24hours. Last night, i went over to a guy friends house, someone i used to date, and we talked, and watched a movie. I thought I was ok to be intimate, but, in the middle of it I wasnt--he was ok with it. I just could not stand to be touched. I hate not enjoying that anymore. but, over a year later after the 2nd SA, I am still having problems with that department. I cried most of the night, sleepless as usual, and I do have to say he was a good friend to me that night. he held me, told me that i was a beautiful person inside, and that what happened to me was in no way my fault, and I shouldnt say sorry or be ashamed of it. This morning, my sis called me wayyyyy too early in the a.m., pretty much giving me grief about much of my life recently--yes, i had a drinking problem for awhile. I chose to "check out" of my life for about 6 months, drowned my sorrows in a glass, so as not to deal with my problems. I realize all of this. I am making a sincere effort to not drink as much, and as a goal, stop drinking. At least acknowledging WHY i was drinking is alot of the struggle.......finding other ways to handle sadness, stress, anxiety, etc., is another. I think I can do that part.......and Pandy's is definately helping. I get to vent my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. in a safe place free of judgements and "shoulds" and timelines that some others place on me. I have made PLENTY of mistakes over the last year......and I am TRYING to fix my life.....clean up my mess so to speak. This is definately the hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to do this everyday.....to live with the PTSD, the depression, the fact that this even happened to me.....every day. I am tired. This is hard. but, I guess I just wish my family would realize how much i AM trying, and forgive me when i wasnt. ahhhhhh..... ok, that was good to just get that out, even if no one reads this. I am blessed with a supportive family, I think that they just dont know what to do, what to say. Other than their support, this is something I have to do. I am getting help w/ a T, I have this--pandy's--and I keeping trying. everyday. thanks for listening, who ever reads this. I guess thanks just for this site. its really helpful to not feel alone in this.
  2. i have struggled with insomnia for about 16 months now--it SUCKS!!!!! (like right bnow--its nearing 1am, and i am NOT sleepy at ALL!!!! yeah!) but here are the things that have helped me. an alarm clock with a "whte-noise" thing in it--you can hit a button, and it plays a stream, or chimes, or the ocean with waves and seagulls (that one puts me out easy!) a cup of hot tea before bed (uncaffenated--but it doesnt bother me somehow) an over the coutner sleep aid--a friend of mine takes benedryl--and the OTC sleepaid i bought, that was VERY affordable--the active ingredient? benedryl---try taking just one or a half a one, and see what it does. its non-habit forming, and it works. my problem is giong to sleep and staying there......i wake up about every 15-20 min, and then give up after like 3-4 hours. the "white-noise", even if its just a fan running on low, really helps. yeah--dont go into your bedroom if you are not sleeping. your body will start associating your bedroom with sleep. try something like a linen-spray--lavender helps promote sleep in the body--maybe try getting a lavender scented linen spry, and spray your sheets and pillows in your BR, but only use that scent there, and not in other parts of your house. that helped me. camomile tea--helps nice. dont know if any of this is helpful, but, it has helped me. best of luck to you, and SWEET DREAMS!!!!!!
  3. today

    today......I am feeling ok--i guess more than ok.....i feel like me. which i havent felt in a LONG time now. sipping coffee after actually sleeping......wow. sleep. and a long, 12 hour sleep.....dreamless. that is beautiful for me. lately, its been 3-4 hours a night, waking up every 15-20 minutes. yuck. i do miss sleep. its warm, sunny, i hear the birds outside......its the little things right now that get me through. but also, some days, its the little things that makes it hard to get through too. my life has been a mess for about 16 months. the 2nd r*pe, followed by insomnia, anxiety, depression, ptsd, my financial life is a wreck. i have managed to make a mess of my life. 6 months after my attack, i had a pretty devistating injury--i accidently stabbed my thumb with a knife trying to open something. lots of stitches, almost severed my tendon--it affected my work devistatingly. out for 3 months to heal, and while my hand was healing, lots of time to think. yuck. the hand has healed as much as its going to without surgery........but, hey--it works. thats all i could ask for, and more than anyone expected. it taught me something so sharply--that i am fragile. this body is fragile. the last 16 months has been teaching me that. i took things for granted. but believe me......my eyes are open now like never before. i am more careful with myself with other people....with my body. with my heart. each day is different, and i am different everyday. trying to learn, to get better. to smile. to laugh again. its everything. i am just now starting to do some of the things i used to enjoy--i danced the other night.....all night long. i havent done that in a long time. i am learning to trust myself again. to look at myself in the mirror. this is such a long road, but, alli can do is get up everyday and try. anyhow......enough ranting i guess. but, i guess i just wanted to share that today--i am happy. wow. bless everyone here. thank you for listening, and supporting each other. that is so precious. i dont feel like i am alone anymore. you cant understand this unless you have been there. and i am SO sad that all of us have been through these kinds of things--but, this community of women and survivors is so strong, and that is empowering. thank you.