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About Jeze

  • Birthday 08/06/1990

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    New York, NY
  1. A bad week.

    So in the past week I've had an abortion and been robbed walking home from work. My family is gone on vacation, and my boyfriend is visiting his grandmother several states away. My cable has been cut off, and my cell phone was stolen. Its been a rough week, and while this post is mostly pointless, it feels good to put it out there. In regards to the abortion, Id rather not get into it right now. Pregnancy was hell, learning I was actually pregnant was even worse, and all things considered the abortion itself felt like a miracle. It was absolutely the right choice, but my hormones are out of whack, I am broke from paying for it (cant afford anything to replace my phone, not even those little prepaid phones), and everytime I google a simple medical question about it all I seem to find are people crying baby killer at me through their keyboards. Today walking home from work I was talking to my family on the phone when a kid slapped me across the face, knocking the phone clear out of my hand. His friend grabbed it and passed it off to a kid on a bike, and I was left running after them in the middle of the street screaming profanities. Filed a police report but its pretty much gone and I cant afford a replacement. I feel very isolated and alone right now, and it doesn't help that the robbery is embarrassing and the abortion is unspeakable within my conservative family. Hugs would be appreciated.
  2. Thanks for the reply. Yes, he knows its a trigger. We've come up with all sorts of signals in the past but we tend to use them for a bit, and then stop if their use hasn't been necessary in a while. Getting triggered tends to come in waves for me. I'm definitely struggling with the fact that if someone else had told me this story, I would tell them it was rape. The thing is, while it did put me back in that headspace it didn't come with the panic and loss of power feelings that other incidents of abuse did. I knew he would stop if I had told him again, but I shouldn't have to say no three times for him to listen. At the risk of sounding like a certain USA Republican, I just feel like it wasn't forceful enough to count as rape. I also know I would NEVER say this to anyone else if they went through something similar. It's complicated, but your reply really was helpful! It's good to be able to talk these things out so thanks again.
  3. Close calls

    One of the reasons I'm still here despite how much time has passed is because I see and fear rape everywhere. Incidents like the one last week certainly don't help so I feel like I need to get it off my chest. My boyfriend and I have been together a long time, with a few breakups in a row during a rough patch a little over a year ago. He is generally a very kind-hearted, passive, and supportive man. But that doesn't mean we haven't had close calls with rape. These are generally minor; I dissociate or ask him to stop and it takes him a very seconds too long to actually stop. While not rape, whenever they happen it makes me question my trust for him, adding a burden to my thoughts when I want to have sex with him. This last one has triggered me like crazy though, and it doesn't help that I've been talking to the psycho ex again recently. This is where I start to feel silly, because there really isn't much to the story. After an enjoyable night of mild drinking, we went to bed. He asked if I wanted him to go down on me, and I said no. He asked again, and I said no. And then he did it. I know for a fact he would have stopped if I had continued to say no after he started, but unfortunately saying no during sex is a huggge trigger for me and I didn't want to face the awkwardness after. I tried to force myself to get into it, but couldn't. It progressed to sex, he finished, and we went to sleep. The weird thing is I feel like this should feel like rape to me, but it doesn't. Maybe its because I could have stopped him, I just didn't. Maybe its because I feel like he's not capable of doing such a thing, though given that my past abusers were people close to me who I trusted I know that's flawed. Regardless, this is in the not-rape zone for me, but it put me back into the headspace of trying to get into the activity, of trying to spare them the awkwardness they caused, of deciding to "fight" or submit. It's also robbed me of all my trust in him, and I'm not sure how I can have sex with him ever again after he proved he can outright ignore me saying no. Perhaps the scariest thing though is the reminder of how "Easy" it is to rape or be raped. It can happen to anyone, by anyone, in the calmest or most dramatic manner possible.
  4. Wow, these comments are ridiculous. And part of the reason we really need more education on topics such as sexual abuse. You wouldn't think some things need to be spelled out, but apparently they do.... One of the worst I've gotten was in response to telling someone about oral r*pe. Their response: "Someone can't be orally r*ped, can't you just bite down or close your mouth or something?" Um, pretty sure if that was an option, I would have done that instead of, you know, being abused. Idiot.
  5. Another trigger of mine is classical music. Every man who's ever hurt me worshipped it. I don't think I'll ever fully be able to trust any man who listens to it on a regular basis.
  6. Hinata, I do the same thing. Or if a male raises his voice at me, even jokingly, i cringe. Or if a male moves one of their hands in a quick, direct matter around me. Automatic cringe. It gets so awkward because I have a lot of male friends and they always look at me all offended and are like "did you think I was going to hurt you?" all baffled and upset. Also, when a sexual partner looks me in the eye during any sexual contact. My ex used to so I really can't stand eye contact during sexual moments. It causes me to feel so degraded and I just get overwhelmed with fear.
  7. Thank you for posting these. 1. Were you silenced by someone? Myself. I felt so awkward and afraid, and also by his nonchalant reaction to the whole situation. He didn't seem to acknowledge that anything had been done wrong, and I was afraid to challenge this belief. 2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?) No, not directly. The closest thing I would say is my friend, who I told about the situation, who continues to put herself in positions where she's drunk and alone with random men. It feels almost like a betrayal, and I don't understand why she won't listen to me and protect herself. I'm really afraid for her. 3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.) Chain smoking like mad. 4. The dammage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not? I think while it does do damage, that damage is not irreversible. You just need to work through it, and learn to trust again, but remain cautious of who you trust at the same time. 5. How do you see yourself now? Stronger, older, but still struggling. 6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? Yes. I had the most supportive reaction just two nights ago, when I told one of my best male friends. When I told him I had been raped, he was actually physically taken aback and tears sprung up automatically in his eyes. He asked what happened, and I couldn't look at him when I told him the story. There wasn't much immediate reaction, and I could tell that my story had really really upset him, which upset me. We moved on to other conversations, and the next day i noticed a difference in him. There's an added gentleness in his movements around me now, even just in the way he looks at me. I can tell he really cares, and thats probably the most touching thing ever. He's the only person I managed to tell in person. 7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? Yes, I trust myself. Others, I'm willing to trust most of them- but trust doesn't include wanting to be alone with them if theres any inkling that things could go bad.