I like that I actually thought that I might use this tool to write about how I feel about what is going on in my life.
There has been a mixture of things going on in my life that have left me feeling so weird and broken down. I wonder if this is the trend- this feeling good for a while until something bad happens and then I feel horrible again. After a while I will probably start to feel better again. I will feel less hopeless and I will feel more in control. The important thing to remember in that statement is that it will go away after a while.
But then something will happen. I will meet someone else who wants to cheat on me, beat me up, rape me or whatever the current poison will be. Or if I am feeling particularly stupid, I will bring back the someone on the dirty clothesline of my past- the "wish I would have never met you" men.
And then my whole world will come crashing down like I feel like it is right about now. The waves will cave around me and I will be so overwhelmed that I will feel like I am drowning. Then just when I will have thought that life can't go spiraling down further into the crest, my tears will dry up and I will be okay again until the next time. But there will be a next time. There is always a next time- I have learned.
I feel as though I have literally spent my entire life fending of rape to rape. In the rare occasion that I actually like a guy, the only thing he will want me for is meaningless sex. Or maybe it will be meaningful to him and to me I will just be scared. And dirty.
I thought coming to school was going to be the place where I finally figured out how to get boys to stop pushing me around, but I have found that instead I seem to attract more boys who want to hurt me. It is something about me. The way I act and feel and look screams "hurt me please" or something like that. I have a scarlet letter on my sleeve or more likely on my forehead or somewhere more vulnerable like down there that reads "V" for vulnerable, victim, or something of that nature. Maybe a "W" for weak or maybe even simply women. A lot of my friends have been hurt, so I don't know if it something about me and the people I hang out with or the fact that because I am so terrified of men I hang out with a lot of women.
It has been seven weeks since the last rape happened. It has been seven weeks since I applied for a protection order and it has taken me seven weeks to feel that maybe-just this once- I might be safe from one person. Maybe he won’t ever be able to hurt me again. But I don't know if I will renew because it was horrible filing in the first place. I literally sat there and felt like the biggest idiot in the entire world. "Why didn't you report this sooner" "why did you drop the last order" "do you think you will drop the next order" "why don't you do this" or "why don't you do that" or just the look in their eyes like all I am is more paperwork. I don't think they meant to come off that way- so uncaring. I get that they were frustrated with me. I am frustrated with me too. I let him rape me again. Why did I let him touch me again? Why didn't I complete the first order? Why do I feel sorry for him now? Seriously, the fact that I am hurting him and his family knows about the order kills me. I feel so bad. How could I do this to another person? I did not want him to hurt me but I don't want to hurt him When I think about this it makes my stomach ache and dance and I want to rip it out. I want to feel the pain I am causing him. But I don't hurt myself like that anymore. I am sure I can find some way to emotionally torture myself without causing physical pain. But when I share this with people- they don't get it. I feel like the weirdest person in the world for caring when everyone says "not to care".
And on top of everything else, I have been reminded of so much recently. I seriously cannot stop thinking about him on top of me now-on top of me then- the things he used to say and do just keep coming like images in my head. And I have not had this feeling in a long time and it is scary and I want to squash it down. I don't want to begin to see and feel and really feel the memories again. I feel like I tried so hard to get to a point where every single time I thought of the things people have done to me I don't feel like it is really happening to me.
I not only see him but I am remembering other things that have happened as well. It does not help that I am having random pains-random girl issues- that remain unresolved that are bringing up a lot of memories and thinking and thinking and I hate thinking sometimes. I am 6, 9, 16, 19, 21 all of the ages I have ever been again. I am weak and everyone knows it at every age at every stage in my life I am weak and remember. I can actually feel the heaviness on my body whenever I think about what has happened. I feel myself gag. I feel restrained. I see hands, his hands...all of their hands I see the things like the knife. I don't want to remember that memory. I am fearful that while seeing the doctor, she will point out the scar again and I will be right back where I was. Bawling and bleeding thinking my entire stomach and intestines and everything that I was learning was in my body was going to fall out and maybe I would not realize it or maybe everyone would see what I made him do to me for crying and for not listening. A silver lining...he didn't hurt me much for a few weeks after...not in the same way anyways because everything he tried would make me bleed. I begged myself not bleed so he would not remembered how bad that I was.
I also can't stop thinking of the time he took pictures. Who has those pictures now? I assume they might be destroyed but inside I am so scared that somewhere someone is looking at them thinking about me in a way that I don't want them to think about doing things I don't want them to do while having that picture. And it shouldn't hurt me because I don't know and will never know and so what if they are using the pictures. It is not like they are hurting me. But I still feel dirty and scared and I wish I could have the pictures to personally destroy them. I think I am thinking about this because of the pictures that were taken during the examination for the protection order rape kit that are apparently going to be sent to my house. But now they say they will go to me at my apartment which is not much better. I don't want these pictures to get lost too
I am thinking about a lot of other memories too but I think I should stop now. I want to vomit and hurt myself and squeeze bubba and just sleep and not think and not remember right now.