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About ScarletWalk

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    Looking for the missing pieces
  • Birthday 01/12/1990

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  1. Quicksand

    I am really struggling living at my parent's house since I finished uni a few months ago. My mother is incredibly controlling of everything that I do and I feel like I am in quicksand. The more I try and get out of my home situation, the worse things become. I feel like the answer might be slow and deliberate action but I am just so panicked recently that I am not helping things. I live near to my main perp who I am trying to stay away from but the worse things are at home, the more I want to leave. So from one bad home to another. My mum controls my money, when I go out, who I see etc. She won't let me have a partner even though I am 23 and interrogates me about everything. My mother has also taken to following me and wakes me up early in the morning by shouting at me. I feel like I am going crazy and am most likely going to leave to live with a perp but then I feel the SA will be deserved. My head feels a bit messed up to say the least. I just want to give up and surrender. I don't seem to be achieving an awful lot.
  2. Because the police have labelled me a threat to myself, a 'vulnerable adult' (bullshit imo). They have asked my emotionally abusive mother to look after me and the power has gone right to her head. If I argue with anything she threatens to tell the police so I feel trapped. But at least is a mental distraction from perps but still not good. I really want to distance myself from then but can't leave until the police say so which sucks so much. My mother is always in my face, never knocking on doors and controlling everything I do. I am staying calm (apart from telling her to f* off a few times) but don't know how much more I can take. Thanks for being supportive, really appreciate it!
  3. I am so glad you are able to move out of the institution. I think the prospect of living with your husband is understandably a difficult one but from what you said he does sound supportive. I think as long as you have a good support network in place and feel safe then you should be able to move in with him. You mentioned options for living with him? What would these be or do you not know yet? So glad your parents are excited but I find with my own parents they don't want to or can't accept the truth so maybe try and get support from them that isn't entirely emotional and take things a step at a time. Take care and hope things work out!
  4. Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate your supportive words. I just feel so vulnerable and weak because of how things have been left but was really empowering to read what you wrote and as long as I know the truth and remember what you and other supportive members have said, should be able to keep my sanity in check! I have tried to forgive my mum and I think I have 85% but her behaviour is so hurtful and I am not sure our relationship will survive this and I seem to be okay with this idea. I just need to sit tight and win small battles and hope that somehow things resolve but I dont seem to have much control so need to work on that. take care and thanks again x
  5. Shadow

    Trigger warning, I realise it has been almost a week since I last posted an entry. I feel a shadow of the person I used to be. I can't go a few hours without being yelled at or degraded in some way. Its just so hurtful that I am telling the truth and been called a liar (the police told my parents I was lying about my allegations). I have my mother in my face the whole time treating me like a child and pretending to care. 'scarlet come downstairs and talk to me' 'get out of bed' she comes and wakes me up even if I have just gone to sleep 'eat this, I made it for you' 'I've brought you clothes' sweet but I can do it myself I havent been allowed to leave the house alone for 3 weeks. I do feel like I am being horrible to my mum but she is not considering my feelings and keeps making me feel like I am losing my mind! She keeps diagnosing me with different mental illnesses (she is not a pdoc) and shouting at me. She is screaming at me for going to the police and throwing intimate details I disclosed to the police in my face. Is so humiliating, just want to cry but I won't let her see I am broken.
  6. Net

    Thanks for replying starry means a lot to me. Sorry you can relate to this and you are so right about it sort of being safe but not really. I hope I can get out soon. Many
  7. Net

    Trigger warning, I feel just horrible. Like I am trapped in a net and I can see everything that is crumbling around me but powerless to do anything. I can move around in the net but cannot leave. I have to stay at home, I cannot leave. My parents are 'releasing' me to do my uni exams that I don't feel able to do. They don't want me to go back to uni,they say I am not safe I am not safe here at home I don't know what to do Feel like I have stopped living, nothing to look forward to...nothing to achieve. Just the destruction of my life, have to watch it...until I have nothing. Fuck.
  8. Telling

    Trigger warning, My mum was told by the police what I had disclosed to them (about my perps) and also some other things that are not true that they got from somewhere. This has made my mother very confused about the whole situation but today instead of asking me kindly and supportively what really went on she said this: 'so what really happened?' 'I already told the police mum and I don't want to talk about it now' 'you need to talk about it' 'no I don't' 'how many people were there, are they really from [hometown]?' But I know she was asking to be nosy not because she cares, it was like she was trying to catch me out. Everytime I said something she would shoot me down and say 'no thats not what the police said'. She doesn't give a shit about me, she has just been shouting abuse at me and using sensitive information against me. sigh
  9. Web

    Trigger warning just in case. I feel completely and utterly trapped in a life that supposedly is mine yet I have little or no control over. I posted the reasons in my last entry called 'distance'. Since the events of last week I have been made to stay at my parents and been unable to leave. The police are telling me nothing, my parents are telling me nothing. I have lost my job, been unable to contact friends and have had to stop my degree at least for now. I have little money as I have not been paid. My mother is controlling my life: 1. How long I sleep (she wakes me up) 2. What I eat 3. My privacy, barges in on me whenever she wants 4. Access to my brother and sisters, I have little contact with them 5. My self esteem (you look skinny, you look tired etc etc) I feel like I am blaming my mother for everything but she is being cruel, idk if it just me looking for someone to blame. I just want my life back but am not allowed to leave I just sit here on my laptop all day missing my friends and my beautiful daughter. Fighting the urge to return to perps, at least there would have more freedom. At a price of course.
  10. Hopefully your dissertation will keep you busy! What is it on? I finished mine a few months ago and feels great to give in. I think writing how you feel is so important for healing and the hardest part I always find is starting but you have managed to do that. Keep persevering and I know you will be able to achieve the best writing for both your dissertation and for talking about the past. I hope Friday goes as you hope and sending more :hug: if ok
  11. I think shame is inevitable in healing and you have done something incredibly brave by writing out some of your experiences. I know for me personally it can leave me feeling quite vulnerable knowing someone has read what I have been through. But it is great that you trust your T and hopefully with time you will start to experience less shame and realise that none of this was your fault despite how you feel. It definitely is an important issue and you deserve to get all the support you need. Just writing some things is a great achievement and I hope talking to your T goes well. Sending :hug: if ok
  12. Thank you dreamgirl, I really appreciate your comments. I think I just needed the validation that I am not to blame. My mum is just becoming overwhelming so is good to escape here. I am going to try and blog as much as possible as it was such a relief to be able to write out some of the stuff that has been happening. Thanks again
  13. Distance

    I have not posted a blog entry for some time but as things have got so bad recently I feel I should start again as it used to very therapeutic. This post inevitably comes with a trigger warning so read with care but I will keep details to a minimum. So a few months ago I went to the police to report my perps, things progressed fairly well at first but a few weeks ago I panicked due to my decreasing control in the situation. I then refused to give the police the evidence I had and they (understandably) became very frustrated with me. However they have always doubted some of the details I have told them for one reason or another and by withholding evidence, well this just fueled their doubt in what I was telling them. The next part I could not really have predicted, a little over a week ago the police decided to come to my parents house despite the fact I am not a minor. They then told my parents everything that happened but instead of being empathetic they said I was lying and had 'alleged this and alleged that' and basically told my mother I was mentally unstable. I was at work when all of this was happening so am mostly relying on what my sister has told me (I trust her). Then I got back from work to be greeted by the police and my mother who had 'a chat' with me. Was just beyond awful, they were using personal details I had told them and tearing them apart. It was humiliating and I feel violated by their actions. The police then told me I had to stay at home with my parents to be 'safe from myself' Completely disregarding the fact that my perps live about 10 minutes away. So they are ignoring the real danger and I feel like a sitting duck I really do. Also something I need to get onto is my mother. She is very emotionally abusive and for some people staying at home with parents would be frustrating but bearable. I know this wouldnt be the case for everyone and for that I am sorry. However my mum is awful, after the police had left I had to call them back as my mother had locked me in my room and was throwing things at me. She was being horribly cruel. The police drove me back home to my parents... I am just existing and not surviving. In the days between then and now (about 11 days) my mother had: 1. Woken me up every day by shouting at me 2. When I am waking up she grabs my wrist (extremely triggery for me) 3. Tells me 'no ones fucked you' every day 4. Calls me a liar 5. Tells me that I should forgive my perps yet she doesn't believe they exist 6. Has not let me out the house once on my own, I have left the house 4 times with her in 11 days 7. Tells me I am mentally unstable 8. Tells me it could be worse 9. Tells me how terrible her life is Once I leave this house I am never coming back, I have tried to leave but she becomes violent. I feel utterly trapped, have lost my job and was supposed to be going on my first holiday in 5 years today. If my mother was 'normal' I think things would be better, I hate being in the house with her.
  14. Without Pandy's I would have lost hope a long time ago
  15. I have been a member for two and a half years and I have learnt to finally accept myself as I am. Thanks all for helping me reach this point and happy 10 year anniversary pandys