smruthi

Member
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    60
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About smruthi

  • Birthday 06/30/1991

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    India
  • Interests
    Anime show's and manga, Reading books, spending time with friends, sketching
  1. Thanks for this post!
  2. You are NOT alone....I'v had multiple abusers too...and a frnd of mine was abused by her dad and step bro...lots of people here on pandys hav multiple abusers i'v gone through the confusion that you feel..and i'm sure most people here have....you must be feeling really isolated and lonely and confused....just know that its normal to feel this way and that most of the things your feeling and going through most survivors feel and go through... and jollyrancher i'm glad i could help a bit...and i felt that i was getting no where too but i'm sure ur healing a lot more that u know... I know that a lot of people have gone through worse experience than me...What happened to me is almost nothing compared to what so many ppl have gone through but just remember despite the intensity of the experience we all hurt and feel the same pain...we all go through the same guilt and shame and we all DESERVE to HEAL even if it was just inappropriate touching or fondling you should LOVE YOURSELF....u deserve better..People can do much more than what they believe they can your destiny is to reach your highest potential and its your birthright to be happy i hope i'v been able to answer to your question a little bit to your satisfaction...it pretty hard to find the right therapist or counselor who really understands you but sometimes all it take is just for someone to listen to you... most survivors dont want sympathy or pity they just want support and to know that there's someone to listen and care for them....i'm here for you for just that... ask me anything you want to and i'll try to answer to my level best take gentle care smruthi
  3. hey i'v healed....this is how i went through my healing process... i know i'll never be able to forget what happened to me...its not possible to forget it and i realized that its a part of my life now and i don't want to forget it coz this experience made me who i am today... But i don't feel pain when i remember it...I dont feel guilt or shame or anger or isolation or hatred...i dont feel anything at all..i'm not sure if forgetting it is the best solution but i'v learnt not to be a prisoner of my abuse in my mind...i'v learnt that trying to deny it or forget that it happened is not gonna help me and i shld deal with it and i'v made peace with myself now... i struggled with the question "Why did it happen to me??" for a long time and i'v realised that i'll never know why i was abused and had to go through that horrible experiance..now i'v accepted that its ok it happened to me... if u ask urself this then struggle with this question until u get a satisfied or partially satisfied answer or until u no longer need to know why then i went through a period of hatred...i felt a lot of anger towards my abuser... but then i realised that by feeling anger towards him i was still bound to him and connected to him and i wanted to be free of him...so i let go of my anger and i'v forgiven him... By forgiving him i'm not saying i'v accepted what he did was right or i love him or i'm gonna be his frnd....By forgiving him i dont feel anything towards him at all...even now when i meet him i feel nothing...i'v let go and freed myself from him... then i started blaming myself for it...thought it was my fault that it happened and i should hav fought back...but now i'v forgiven myself and i dont feel guilt or shame or think its my fault....i struggled with it until i accepted that it was ok whatever your going through is normal and its ok... dont put pressure on yourself to heal...take it one gentle step at a time and one more thing i realised that people who talk about it heal faster....so dont ever hold back...talk to someone u trust and who understand or keep on posting in this blog....if u feel like crying let yourself cry coz crying is expressing your pain and sadness in silent words...i know u'll have to face situations where u need to be strong while ur actually breaking down with inside...keep thinking positive and do new things..meditate..play with kids...live..do things that'll make u happy.... U Can Heal....it's not easy but i'm sure u can and u will...To be healed is to be Free.. Free from your abuser Free from feeling guilt, shame, isolation, anger when u remember what happened to u Free from being a prisoner of your memories Free to live ur life the way you want to Free to Dream Free to Live, Love and Laugh By writting this bog u'v started letting go....take your time and dont worry abt hurting someone else here coz i'm sure u wont....just express your thoughts and your emotions here... and remember Everyone Deserves To Be LOVED..U do too..Everyone here supports you and understands what ur going through...I believe in you u'll find that path to healing and i'm sure u'll heal take gentle care smruthi
  4. what u'v written is so true...
  5. hi how are the twins doing?
  6. its ok to do this.....by crying ur letting go of the pain...and u know that ur not alone here...i do it too...take it easy and dont be too hard on urself.......dont hold back ur pain and express urself and speak out......take care
  7. hey there are lots of ppl here to listen to u.......it must be really hard to talk abt it anywhere even here....but i'v found that ppl are here to listen and to support u.....i'm a new here too...so u should just let it all out here ok....dont hold back anything.......someone somewhere is listenting to u and can understand what ur going thro and is here to support u........ur safe here....so just pour out your feelings
  8. yea i know what u mean.......i went through the same phase.....lost my best friend too......but then we made up and now we'r closer than before.....it will take time........but all of this will pass and things will get better....u'll know what to do and so will the ppl who love u..u'll get ur best frnd back.....fnds always fight but they make up in the end...thill then take care of urself......keep expressing ur feelings....
  9. yea my cousin sisters say cute things just like that.........
  10. its ok.......just let it all out....this is like a shout box........yea it really gets to me too when ppl take this lightly....
  11. u answered ur question in ur previous blog..... u hav a dream.......u gotta live to make it come true.....we are all born for a reason and those reasons are our dreams.....so u gotta hold on to your dream tightly and never let it go.....u'll get there and when u look back everything u'v been through will be worth it......u'll be a great mom.....but for now live in the moment.....and express everything u feel.....live, dream, dare
  12. Hi

    lol yea same here....i'm new here too....still having a bit of trouble figuring out some controls......this place is like an outlet for all my emotions and feelings that i haven't been able to talk about with anyone.....
  13. today i went through a roller coaster of emotions....... I thought i was healed and ok with this...........but only after coming here i realize i still have to heal a lot.......today i got so nervous traveling in the metro train by myself........there was just one lady in the entire coach with me.... i was so lost....afraid.... and i was upset for the rest of the day........and i broke down and told a frnd......i tried to hold everything back in but then i cried and let it all go......now am feeling a bit confused, nervous, afraid, i now feel a pain in my chest which i had not for more than 5 months now.....and i realise that i have to get over and accept the fact that i was a sex addict.......i havnt made peace with that part of myself.........but i'm over the abuse....... things are becoming clearer now...
  14. hey.... it will take sometime to heal but u'll heal one day.......talk to this friend of urs........let all ur feelings out.......keep on writing.....dont hold back......everyone is here to support u.......ur not alone........ since u hav just started healing.....cry whenever u feel like........dont dumb urself......its ok to feel the way u do now........its natural.........and talk to someone u trust and let ur feelings out......dont hold back......u'll get through this.....i know u will
  15. my story

    This is my story. when i was 8 yrs old i was molested by a stranger. i never told my mom. I felt pleasured by what he did to me. Then my cousin moved to my town when i was 9 and the abuse started as a game and went on for 5 yrs. Since i had enjoyed what that stranger had done i let it happen and agreed to it every time my cousin asked me to do it. I never knew what i was doing until i was 15 since sex is a taboo here. when i realized what was going on i stopped agreeing to him. He tried to persuade me many times but i refused. I never told my mom though i wanted to hug her and cry and tell her everything. I felt so much shame and guilt because i enjoyed the process. i blamed myself for 2 yrs and fell into a depression. my grade's dropped and i started failing. i began to push people away from me. i dont know if can say i have been abuse because every time he asked i said yes. So its my fault. And because of this i became a sex addict. i started reading dirty magazines and started masturbating a lot. this was a way of escape for me from the dirty person i was and my life that was falling apart. i'd feel terribly guilty after i'd do it. I started cutting. i never told anyone...then one day unable to bear the pain i called up a emotional counselor and told her i was abused (never told her the whole story). She didn't guide me properly but it was the first step to healing. letting go of the pain i had. then i was gifted with a laptop and internet access and only then i realized that it was ok for me to feel that way and that it was my body's reaction. here i found out that i was a sex addict. i started look for info and started controlling my lust. i had many relapses. but i hav now finally made it and i hope i can stay this way. i don't have any guilty or shameful feelings. i'v changed a lot. from being a talkative, fun and humorous person i'v become quite and serious. Can't take jokes and am easily upset.... i can never go back to being who i was 2 yrs ago but i'v realized this is now just a small part of my life. i hav my whole future ahead of me. i'v healed. I'm hear to listen to people and support other survivors. u can ask me anything u want. i'll try and help in anyway i can. It was really difficult for me to say this... Thanks for listening to me...feel free to comment your thoughts...