CaramelTresses

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About CaramelTresses

  • Birthday 07/28/1984

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Virginia
  1. Class at the community college

    I found this in the student handbook, under academic dishonesty: "Giving false information as a reason for missing a test or class is prohibited." I pay them to take classes (well, actually my job does). I don't feel it's any of their business why I miss class. This isn't high school. Anyway, how can they prove that what you say is false? They can't (unless you give a really lame excuse). Everyone could simply say "family emergency" "I was sick" "personal reasons" and it shouldn't be challenged. I don't feel I should even have to say anything. I haven't missed any classes so far, but I don't want to go tomorrow. I've been feeling really depressed and anxious lately (see last post). We have a paper due tomorrow that I will have finished, but she said we're going to discuss our findings in class. I take this to mean we'll each have to say something short about what we observed and concluded. I really have a difficult time speaking in class about an article or paper we wrote, even though we don't have to stand in front of the class or anything, just speak from our seat. I think she knows I have a difficult time with that and she doesn't "pick on" me, so last time she asked me if I had anything to add. I could have simply said, "no" but I chose to speak and said something short. Before I spoke, when I knew it was my group's turn to speak about the article, I didn't know when my turn would be, but just thinking about having to speak made me so anxious and my face got very hot and I just knew it was red (it gets like that when I'm embarrassed too)...sometimes my cheeks even turn purple. They could've been purple that time. I even heard someone from another group whisper to the woman sitting next to her. I only heard her say "glasses" (I wear glasses) and the other girl just sort of smirked and nodded then I saw them look at me. I know that purposely missing class so I don't have to speak will not help me with my anxiety, but I just can't deal with that right now. I got anxious just thinking about it earlier, and my face got red. I don't have a problem when we go over the review questions (homework), because we just take turns reading the questions and give the answer which is multiple choice. It's only a problem for me when I don't know exactly what I should say, and if it's based on my opinions or what I wrote. She seems very understanding and I'm sure if I told her that I do have social anxiety she may not make me say anything in class, but it wouldn't be fair to the other students, even if they don't mind participating. Plus, it would be obvious if she skipped over me and I'd still be just as embarrassed. I was in counseling for social anxiety (I was afraid to go anywhere alone - especially new places) a few years ago, plus I was on medication (paxil). Both helped and after a few months I felt like I could handle it without the counseling, and I did. Now I've been off the meds for over a year and have been ok with the anxiety for the most part. It's just the public speaking that I've always had a problem with. There are only about 13 other people in the room, but even if there were 3 I'd still be just as nervous.
  2. Current Love Interest

    I started seeing someone last October (after I was r*ped). He had to break it off (temporarily) in February because he got really depressed as a result from losing his 2 part-time jobs (not getting paid for the last 2 weeks at one of the jobs - and going to court) and being unable to find another job. He was in a relationship in the past when he got depressed, and his GF ended up getting depressed and things didn't go well. I am prone to depression too. He said it may not seem like it, but he's doing this (breaking up, but remaining friends) because he loves me. It's understandable that we should take a break until he gets over this since we're so early into our relationship. T & I met via match.com. We started emailing Oct 1 and after a couple weeks, we were talking on the phone (we'd talk until the wee hours of the morning). We have a ton in common and I felt like we really connected. We met for the first time on Oct 31. Our second date was 2 weeks later and that's when he told me he loved me. I said I thought it was mutual. He asked "you think?" Later, we were in his car and he was trying to find out why I was so shy. He asked if we should slow things down, to which I replied yes. he asked if we should see each other less often. I said no (two weeks is a while). I don't know. I guess I was just confused. I do believe he loves me, but a tiny part of me is still scared. Maybe the next entry I'll get into my previous relationships. None have been good, except T. He has treated me 10X better than all of the guys I've dated combined. We were watching "What Dreams May Come." There's one part where the couple is watching the clouds go by and trying to figure out what objects they look like. The guy says one looks like a breast. Then T says something to me about being jealous of the cat because she touched mine before he got to (The cat is really skiddish and he was surprised she was laying on me when it was the first time she met me. before she climbed on me, she placed a paw on my chest). Then I said, "What makes you think you're going to?" and he said something like, "Well, I hope our relationship will last/get to that point eventually." Then later on, before we went to bed (I was staying at his parents house - he lives with them - and we were in separate rooms), he asked me if he was out of line with that. I told him I was only joking and it's fine. He said something about wanting our relationship to have a strong foundation of love before getting to that point. ...I told him I love him the next day, Jan 1st (2 months into the relationship). He told me he loves me too and that he was glad to hear me say that. At one point after making out he told me "I know this probably scares you, but I wanted to go further and I didn't because I care about you" (I have not told him that I'm a victim yet - only that I have had "bad experiences in past relationships") The last time I saw him, we were making out and he placed his hand on the waistband of my pants and asked if it was ok. I'm not quite sure what happened after. I know he didn't try anything but I think I cried out "no!" and brought one hand over my mouth and bent my legs and brought my knees up to my stomach (flashback?). He said "I wasn't sure if you'd be ok with it, that's why I asked." He asked if we could talk and I said yes and I started crying. He asked if that's what I meant by bad relationships. I said no (not sure what he meant). He said he was so sorry...and something about hurting me. I said no, you didn't hurt me. He said "I scared you, that's the same thing in my book." I said "No" again. I told him I'm not ready to go further. Then he told me he has had bad relationships and doesn't want me to go through the same thing and he made me promise to tell him if he ever hurts me and if so he will leave, no questions asked. I still feel so bad. I couldn't tell him he didn't do anything wrong....that it wasn't his fault. I haven't seen him since the day after that. Jan 24. He will update me with a text every once in a while (not much). I miss him so much. I know that when we get back together I will need to tell him that I'm a victim so he will understand. While I was in a relationship with T, I didn't think of the r*pe much. I was just very happy and had other things to focus on. Now, I've been depressed and while I still think about T a lot, I find my mind wandering to what happened last year and I've been having a difficult time dealing.
  3. My Story

    Warning! This may be triggering for some. I have purposely made the text difficult to read - highlight it to read This incident wasn't violent (from what I read, they usually aren't) and didn't cause any physical pain for me, but it has still left me with a deep emotional scar. It happened August 2008, about a month after my 24th birthday. I was seeing this guy, and we had fooled around before but I made it very clear I didn't want to have intercourse and he even told me he won't unless I said it was ok. So, on this particular day, we were in the backseat of his vehicle, fooling around when he penetrated me. I said "No" but he just said "ssshhhhh" and I just froze and looked at him in horror, but he had his head down and wasn't looking at me. I took a self defense class for women a few years prior, but it couldn't help me now. I couldn't even move, speak or cry. It lasted few minutes... he stopped when a vehicle pulled up and turned around. After the vehicle left I started crying. He said, "No.....I'm sorry......it slipped in." I shook my head no. Then I closed my eyes and kept crying. He said, "look at me" and after a few seconds I did and he asked me, "Do you know how beautiful you are?" I shook my head no and he just laughed and said "yes you do." I don't know what he was trying to do - either make an excuse for what he did or to blame me. Then, this part is strange. He told me I could hit him or bite him (to get back at him?). I'm pretty certain he said I could bite him on the nose, and I could "bite something else....but I'm not sure you'd want to do that right now." I thought he was trying to get me to feel better and laugh and I guess I thought things were ok. He went down on me and afterward he was on top of me again and penetrated me slightly. When I started protesting he said, "It's not in all the way." I reached down and he said "see?" I yanked it out and he just sighed. Then, I went down on him. I'm not sure what I was thinking. He didn't make me. I was still confused and unsure about what happened. I think I just wanted him to stop penetrating me On the way home I pulled over and just lost it