burtont73

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About burtont73

  • Rank
    Tina
  • Birthday 08/01/1973

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    United States
  • Interests
    reading, writing, forensic science, family time, academia, poetry, relaxing
  1. Mom in bad health

    I have been so stressed out lately; I haven't taken any time for myself. I have not been to counseling the entire month of June. First, I made the mistake of taking my mom shopping with me at the beginning of the month and spent 4x more than I normally do. So, we ran out of money about halfway through the month. That was frustrating in and of itself, but it was not my biggest concern. I have been so worried about my mom. Regardless of her inability to properly handle the finances--I can easily forgive that--I am concerned that she has not had the medicine she needs for her blood pressure, heart problems, and diabetes. She has not had any medicine all month. I watched as she slowly went downhill. She got to the point that she did nothing but sleep and watch TV. She can't even take a shower alone because she is afraid of falling if no one is nearby. She has been having trouble with dizzy spells and severe headaches because of her rising blood pressure. Now, she is in excruciating pain. She has sharp pains in her chest and her back. I am terrified she is going to have another heart attack or stroke. She has already had five heart attacks--she has a stint and two blockages that will need to be dealt with soon--and a stroke that left her blind in her left eye. I don't know what i would do without my mom. Despite the fact that she feels like she is a burden to me, I would be lost without her. I don't feel that she is a burden. She is my mom, and I love her unconditionally. I would do whatever is necessary to make her healthy again. If that is not possible then I at least want her to be pain free. I can hardly stand to watch her endure so much pain. Our church has agreed to help her with her medical problems. They are going to make an appointment with a new doctor to have her reevaluated for her health problems and they are going to pay for whatever medications that are prescribed for her. That is a big relief to me. I just hope that the doctor is able to find a treatment protocol that actually works. She was on seven different blood pressure medicines and they still were not controlling her blood pressure. There have been times over the last year that her blood pressure has been 220/160. That is high enough to cause a heart attack or stroke. It is scary. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she has had another heart attack since Oct 2010 when she was hospitalized in the cardiac ICU. She doesn't like to tell anyone when she is having chest pains, but I know she has taken nitro within the last month several times. That tells me she is experiencing angina or maybe even something worse. I am just glad she finally agreed to let the church help her. They have been asking her to let them help for a year, and she has been putting it off. She didn't need to suffer for so long. She is so stubborn. I still feel stressed. I guess I will until I know that she has some medicine and that it is working. I just hope the church is able to get her a doctor's appointment quickly. I need some piece of mind.
  2. this is a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. I can feel your pain as I read it, yet I can see how hard you are trying to work thru it.
  3. Thank you marlene. I appreciate the advice. I only hope I can deal with the pain as it comes.
  4. Do I have to remember?

    My Therapist says I have to remember some of what happened to me--those horrible things--so we can properly deal with the sensory issues I am facing on a daily basis. Do I really have to remember? Can't I find another way to banish the hidden memories from my subconscious mind so that I can live a normal life? I am scared to remember all that happened to me. What if I find that it really wasn't as bad as I think and I am just a weak minded woman? What then? Or what if the memories are so awful that I lose my grip on reality? What if I go insane? Who will take care of my precious kids? What do I do? I am so scared of what I will find beneath all those years of hidden files when they are at last exposed. What if my fiance decides I am not worth the effort after all? Could I face the ugly truth if it were so? Twenty years ago, I ran from him...I've made so many mistakes already. How patient will he be? Will he abandon me? Can I trust these recovered memories? I was so young...what if I don't understand the pictures in my mind? How accurate will my memories be after all these years? Will the little girl inside of me remember what happened all those years ago? Can I trust her? I need to make a list. I need to see it with my own eyes--analyze the situation before I come to a conclusion. What are the benefits of remembering? 1. minimize sensory issues 10. body image improve 2. no more fear 11. lose weight/ food issues 3. minimize memory problems 12. deal with conflict 4. improve self esteem 13. return to work 5. remember childhood 14. finish degree 6. can write story for other's benefit 7. lessen panic attacks 8. realistic view of my dad 9. get to know self What are the negative consequences of remembering? 1. nightmares 2. body memories 3. extreme fear 4. have to deal with anger 5. memories might not be accurate 6. have to confront fears I am trying to look at this from a strategic standpoint. I would appreciate any feedback concerning this issue. I think if I look at it this way it will help me to alleviate some of my fears. Still, I realize others out there have had to deal with similar circumstances, and may have pertinent advice on how to deal with this matter. At this point, I would welcome any advice. I am terrified of what is to come. I don't like the unexpected. I am a huge control freak...OCD city here. So, I need all the support and advice I can get. Thanks in advance. Tina