opalbirth1972

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About opalbirth1972

  • Rank
    I Am SURVIVOR. Hear me ROAR!
  • Birthday 10/26/1972

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Austin, Texas
  1. Mother's Day

    It's going to be Mother's Day soon. I find myself trying to avoid all the commercials and advertisements regarding Mother's Day because I don't have a mother anymore. I guess, in retrospect, I only had a mother as long as I bent to her will. I did for the whole of my life until February of this year. I am a mother myself. My children are my entire life. They bring me joy, hope and peace and keep me grounded. Keep me here. My mother is nothing like me in that way. I've always said that the one thing I've done right in this world is being a Mom. I know that Mother's Day will come and go and I know I should solely focus on the joy of being a Mom but at the same time, I mourn the loss of my own mother and accept that she never truly loved me the way a mother should love their daughter. I am still so very angry with her. I've spent years being angry at her but keeping it inside. Now it's outside its box and in full view of my heart and soul. I just don't understand. And because of her and my step-dad, there are days when I wish I hadn't been born. She didn't want me. She just couldn't get an abortion because it was too late for her to do so. And the worst part is that she then got pregnant again by my father and did manage to have that abortion. Knowing that I wasn't really wanted is the hardest thing I could know. So during the bad days, I am sad that I'm here. So when Mother's Day comes, I know she will be on my mind. I sit here and wonder if my sister is going to have dinner w/ her on Mother's Day or just call her. I have no idea. But I don't hold that against my sister. She is a lovely person who just wants my mother's love and approval. It's just that simple. I used to feel the same way. But the thought of having her in my life at all NOW is just not acceptable. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to think she would ever be in my life again. She could divorce my step-dad and it would make NO DIFFERENCE to me because it's not about that anymore. It's about all the things she's done and said to me for the whole of my life. And this last event w/ her disowning me was the last straw and it finally and truly opened my eyes to the truth of who she is. She will always be my mother... but only because I came from her. I have no choice but to know she is my mother. But I do have a choice as to whether or not she is part of my life and part of my heart. She no longer has that right. And my children also don't want her around. For that, I am very sad but they are so fully aware of her wrong doings against me. And she never made an effort anyway where they were concerned (or any of her grandchildren) so they don't have a bond w/ her. Never have. Now they never will and it's all her doing. Altho, she places blame on everyone else around her. She blames me, my father, my step-dad, my boyfriend, my friends... anyone but herself. Anyway, that's what Mother's Day is for me this year... a time of mourning, but of freedom. A time of anger, but of freedom. A time of sadness, but of freedom from the chains she HAD on me my entire life. Hopefully, one day, the sadness/anger will fade and I will find peace with her idiocy, her cruelness, her lack of maternal instinct.
  2. Such is Pain

    Such is pain.... I spend so much time trying to make up for the things I've done wrong in my life and I am at the breaking point. When I was out of control and hurting those I loved, it seemed "they" were more understanding. But now that I'm Ok... properly medicated and taking responsibility for all my wrongs, I feel I am failing. I feel like no matter what I do to show/prove that I'm beautiful now in every way that it means nothing. It is falling on deaf ears. Most of me knows I deserve it. But I'm trying so very hard to make it right. And I just don't know how long it will take. I am so very sorry for the things I've done because of my past and my bipolar. It's no excuse. I still did things I'm so ashamed and regretful for. I can't change them now but I can be who I am now. I'm proud to be who I am now. I just hope one day others will be proud of me, too. I am just tired. I have so much in my head. I hope one day I can just make mistakes or say the wrong thing, as normal people do, and it's just that... a simple mistake... or I simply said something the wrong way. That it doesn't have to be a major ordeal.
  3. Mind's Blank

    It's been a long while since I've written an entry in my blog. The last couple weeks has been tough for the most part. I feel like my life is falling down around me and I haven't felt that way in such a long time. So I'm sitting here feeling like complete crap physically but feeling better emotionally. I am prone to go into severe depressions and so I think I'm finally coming out of one. But it's hard to function when I am severely depressed. I am always blogging in my head. It's like a journal entry in my head every single day. But I rarely write it down and I need to. It's like a commentary going on in my head all the time. I'm sure I'm not the only one who goes through this... (-: So now I'm sitting here and I can't even think. But later today, there will be a novel going on in my head but I've noticed that when I'm depressed, my mind is kind of blank, if that makes sense. So I guess I'll be back later.
  4. Just When I Thought....

    Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.... THEY did. My boyfriend and I had a car accident this past Thursday. Fortunately, he was driving because his insurance is going to cover all the damages to my car. Unfortunately, the car is in my mother's name so she has to be notified that the car was in such a bad wreck. So I'm very unhappy about this development. I thought I wouldn't have to deal w/ her until June, but now it seems I'll be facing her in a few days. By law, the insurance company has to notify the owner of the car, who is my mother. I have so many emotions about having to talk to her about this issue. I have to ask for her permission to be in charge of the repairs. I have a rental car. The problem is that the car has so much damage that the insurance company may total it out (which means it won't be repaired). If that happens, any money will go to the loan holder and my mother. If the car is repaired, the money will go to the car repair shop and my mother. She has to sign a power of attorney giving me power of the direction of the repairs, etc. My mother disowned me in February of this year for standing up to her about my abuser, who happens to be my step-dad and her husband. They've been married for 35 years. I am 36. So he's the only "dad" I've ever really known. That doesn't change how I feel about him or how I feel about what he did to me and my sister. It has changed how I feel about my mother, who turned her back on me more than once throughout my life when I cried out for help with this very issue. Her last stance was to disown me. Tell me that she would rather stay w/ this man who abused me than to face reality and NOW I have to face her. What do I do? How do I handle all this stress? I'm so very angry that I now have to deal w/ her and on an issue that is already dicey. I won't have a vehicle once this car is gone. So I feel isolated and trapped. My boyfriend is going to find a way to get me another car. I'm not so worried about that but I'm freaked out about having to talk to my mother, who doesn't deserve my understanding. And because this is going to be a situation that is chaotic already, I have no doubt that somehow she will try to use this against me as well. My sister keeps telling me that my mom is concerned for my well-being, which is complete crap to me. I don't believe it for one second. If she cares so much, then why was it so EASY for her to say goodbye to me. Throw me out like the trash. Treat me as someone who doesn't matter to her - who is an intruder in her way of life? AND NOW, I have to face her. All because of a car accident. You know that saying.... "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON". Why? Why is this happening? It seems so unfair to me. So cruel. So cold. So invasive. And all because of a car accident... I don't want to face her. I have enough stress w/o the highest stress in my life being in front of me. What is the reason for this particular event? There is another saying.... "WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS". When will I get to come in out of the torrential downpour that is my life right now? When will I be able to breathe? To rest. To smile. To enjoy life again. WHEN??? Ah, if only there were answers. But I'm smart enough to know that these questions I ask have no answers. Not really. I just have to WAIT for my life to take its course and hope for the best. I'm not feeling very hopeful. I'm not feeling very positive. I'm feeling trapped and isolated and now that I have NO CHOICE about having to have my mother back in my life, even if for just this event, I feel betrayed. I feel laughed at. I feel a fool. I AM ANGRY. I AM SAD. I AM CONFUSED. Why? I was just getting to the point where I could be somewhat calm about her. BUT it's all messed up again because the reality is that contact w/ her is just a few days away. I'm going to prolong it for as long as I can possibly can. My sister says I should contact her before the insurance company does but I'm not so sure. I owe her nothing. I owe her NOTHING. My sister says it's out of respect. SHE DOESN'T RESPECT ME. What makes it my job to show her respect? To show her kindness? To show her anything but silence.... absence... it's what she asked for. I didn't ask for this... didn't ask for this event to happen so that I would have NO CHOICE... have no voice to stop from having to talk to her. I could ramble on for hours, I think. But I think I shouldn't. But I've been sitting here all day knowing that I have a decision to make... FORCED to make by the car accident. Should I let the insurance company call her? Should I let them blindside her? Or should I contact her to keep myself safe from her rage and anger? Her lack of respect for me? I weigh my options and the answer hasn't come yet... but I'm hoping that after the insurance company comes out and looks at my/her car, the answer will come. WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't understand why.... why?
  5. As the Days Go By

    I figured I would start here because I'm really feeling like free-writing and what better place than in blog form. I am doing this so I can get all the thoughts out of my head, in hopes, it will help ease my confusion. Today was supposed to be a good day. But it has ended up being a sad day. I thought we would have a good day. I missed him. But he got here and everything exploded and well, he's gone now. I've been sitting here thinking for quite a while about how since I was disowned by my Mom how everything else has fallen apart, too. Why does it have to be this way? I stood up for myself. So, life should be getting better.... easier.... liberating. But it's harder, sadder.... helpless. I'm not sure how long blogs are supposed to be but I like the idea of just free-writing, which I'm better at doing than posting. I've been wanting to post for a while now but just haven't been able to quiet my mind long enough to post. So many things running around in my head. So I sit here, surrounded by my children and the TV is going and I feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I feel lost and alone and confused and before I stood my ground with my Mom, I felt in control. At least I thought I did. I have no regrets about standing my ground. I just want my life to be easier... simpler.... calmer. And since February, it has been an absolute nightmare. Is there some code somewhere that say... "oh, you stood up for yourself, so life is going to suck now!" I feel like I'm being laughed at by karma. Why do I feel that way? I am absolutely proud that I stool up for myself against her... against anyone else, but why is it that life seems harder? I know I've asked this question more than once in this entry, but it's the number one question on my mind. It's the one that no one can answer. It's simply not a question I think CAN be answered. Am I being tested? Have I not been tested enough throughout my life to this point? I just want peace. I want to know that if I think I'm going to have a good day that it actually comes true. I want to know that if I say something it's not going to be blown into something I didn't say or mean or intend. I want to know when I wake up tomorrow that everything is going to be OK. But I don't know that. I never know what's going to happen. My rock, my strength... is stressed and having a hard time... and I feel lost without his support. I've lost my entire family (minus my sister) and I know it's not my fault, but when everything else is hard, stressful and confusing, it makes the "loss" harder. Not family. Mom. I imagine her in my mind and see a sad, old, wrinkled, angry person who refuses to accept the truth that has been put in front of her face so many times. She's had 20 years to face REALITY. And it will never happen. It just won't but I find that when I have a really sad day, I miss her... because "mom" is supposed to comfort her daughter. But mine doesn't. She had conditions on loving me. And I wasn't willing to play by her rules. So I say all of this and I say I'm glad I got disowned (and I am) but I still miss her sometimes. Isn't that a contradiction? And when will that pain go away? When will I wake up and not be so angry at her? When will I not care anymore? Will there be a time I won't care? Should there be a time I don't care? So many questions and NO answers. I have to see her in June at my nephew's high school graduation and I know it will make me sad. Not only will she be there, but her husband will be there, too. He sexually abused me and my sister and my Mom has known for 20 years and has done nothing except make excuses for him and then her final step was to disown me. Anyway, they will both be there because my nephew's have invited them both. And I just pray I get through it OK. Will I be able to stay numb and detached? Will I be able to walk away whole? I'm not whole now but will I be more broken when I walk away? But I have to go because it's my 2 nephews graduation. And there's no way I wouldn't go. So I have to be strong, knowing that I'll be there to support them but be ALONE, if that makes sense. I will be the elephant in the room that no one is talking about. And if they (mom and step-dad) try to talk to me or my children, I will make sure it doesn't happen. But as you can tell, I'm quite nervous about the whole thing. Ugh. Anyway, my mind is clearer now... still sad. Sad that today wasn't a comforting day. I really needed his comfort... his love... his touch. But it didn't happen.
  6. Hi there. Moving to a new place away from where you were "safe" is a trigger in and of itself. It means you are "alone" and having learn new places, new people, new routines... so don't be too hard on yourself for feeling distracted or out of sorts. When I went off to college many years ago, I went straight down hill and I thought I had things under "control". But I didn't. I had to go home and was hospitalized for ED but I got through that and I just know how scared you feel right now. But you should get a new counselor... someone there you can talk to about your rape. Coming here is definitely a good thing, too. YOU are not alone here. But it's always good to have a lifeline and a support system that you trust... and hopefully, you can find that there. As far as telling people about your rape while drunk... I think most people would say it's easier to share pain when your inhibitions are fuzzy. There are a lot of people who just don't know how to react, not because they don't believe, but because they've been through it and said nothing or they don't know what they're supposed to say really and because you were drunk, they may think you don't remember saying it. But if you truly want help, then reach out to someone where you are and keep coming back here.
  7. Hi there. I was sexually abused by my step-dad, who began it when I was very young and it ended when I was 5 years old. He surrounded my sister and I w/ sexual magazines, porn movies, etc, etc. Like you, I was taught that sex meant approval and have found myself on websites when I was lonely in between relationships. So I understand. I was also raped when I was a freshman in high school and again by my 2nd husband so it seemed the abuse would never end for me either. But through help from my current boyfriend of 8 years, he showed me that sex doesn't mean approval and that it can be a healthy experience. It took me a long time to trust him... a very long time. 3 years after my 2nd husband raped me, I reported it. I felt free. I felt like I finally stood up for myself. During the 8 years of time I've been with my current bf, we had a huge fight and I cheated on him with some guy at work. It almost ruined our relationship but because he understands that I was abused sexually and physically, he forgave me and has always been there for me. I used to think our fights meant that we were ending.... and I was wrong. After 7 years, I realized I could trust him and that he would be here for me. This man saved my life. That might sound corny but he showed me through his support that I was worthy of love without SEXUAL APPROVAL. I am lucky. I thought I was only good for ONE THING.... SEX. It's not an uncommon side effect of sexual abuse for women and/or men to seek approval sexually. It's what we were taught at such a young age... and it takes time and patience to realize that it's OK and that you can find support and love through other means. I don't know if this is helpful for you, but I wanted you to know that it's not uncommon.
  8. I am new here, too, but you are NOT alone and don't give up. Your therapist is right. It will help and even if you feel no one hears you, I do hear you. I've felt alone a lot in my life and have isolated but as the years have gone on and I've dealt with the pain of being abused, I've learned that I'm not alone. I'm listening. I can see you're angry and you have every right to be but don't give up on this site and dont' give up on yourself. Having bad days is part of the package of recovery and it can be done. I'm sorry you feel alone right now but you aren't!!!! What you have to say is important and whether you know it or not, your story helps others to know they're not alone and helps them realize that maybe their own experience can help you, too. It's a supportive wonderful site to be a part of and I've only been here for a short time.... Don't give up.... and keep posting.... I am listening.