cassie144

Member
  • Content count

    17
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About cassie144

  • Rank
    Cassie
  • Birthday 07/12/1991

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Australia
  • Interests
    Walking
    Writing
    Being with Friends
    Working
  1. last thing to happen

    well i found out yesterday that my dad isnt my dad im so confused and i dont know how to deal with this news it was the biggest shock of my life i feel so betrayed and i just dont know what to do
  2. i just want to be happy

    I turned 18 a week ago, and i thought it would be the best time of my life...... i was so wrong all it has donr is made me more upset... i dont talk to the people in my family besides my sister, she decided to ruin my birthday by desrtoying all my plans... then there is community services who have been my parents and my family since i was 13yrs old, now just because i turned 18 i all of a sudden have to do it all on my own and im really scared if something happens now i dont have some one there to help me and i dont know what to do.... i know that sounds crazy as most kids are happy to be out of the clutches of community services but all they have done is help me and been there for me like my family should of been, but now i have nothing... i mean sure i have alot of friends but my friends dont even know me they dont know how i feel and what i have been through in my life and they never really will so when im at my low points (like i have been a lot lately) they cant help me cause i cant ask for the help.. im really scared cause i dont know what to do, i dont know who to ask for help now when i need it and all i want is to be happy, but is that ever going to be. right now it doesnt seem to be..
  3. why am i here?

    I have got all of this pain inside, And it will not go away. When I go to talk about it, I do not know what to say. And everything that I know, Is eating at my thoughts. It is not a doubt that I am broken, Amongst all that, I was taught. I don’t know why im trying, Why I bother anymore. My tears keep falling, My heart feels so sore. I cannot be who I am, Seem to always do the wrong thing. Where am I anyway? What good fortune do I bring? I am suffering from lost happiness, But nobody cares. Im soaked in permanent sadness, Caught in a world that seems so unfair. I always ask myself why I am living, If this is how I feel. I just want this heart to heal, My spirit died. It hurts too much to be touched, So tender and sensitive within. My dignity has been damaged, From the moment, he splinted my skin. And it is all lost, Every trace of who I use to be. Im grounded by this hurt, From someone who is not me.
  4. have you ever

    Have you ever cried so hard, that you couldn't breathe, have you ever had someone stab you in the back, and laugh as they watch you bleed? have you ever loved someone so much, but they never understood? have you ever been abused for being bad, when you were trying so hard to be good? have you ever cried a billion tears, asking God "why?", and do you know how it feels to fall asleep at night, wishing you would die? have you ever had a man take your innocence, and throw it out the door? and you live each day in fear, wondering if he'll come back for more... have you ever had girl threaten to take your life, and yo try not to show your fear, but it hurts too bad to hide? have you ever been thrown against a wall, with a gun held to your head? and those words whispered in your ear that say, if you fight me you'll be dead... have you ever thought you could trust someone, but they just throw you around, and you try so hard to hold back the tears, as you hit the ground? have you ever watched your sister lie in front of you, and slowly fade away? and you're just too young to understand, she won't be there the next day? have you ever watched your best friend get shot, outside your favorite store? have you ever overdosed on drugs, because you just couldn't take anymore? do you really know what it feels like, to have your heart get burned? have you ever left your house, unsure if you'll return? have you ever looked to the stars at night, and prayed for the pain to end? begging please just take it away, and the next day you feel it again? have you ever been so far away, from the only one you ever loved? but he tells you just hold on, and you love him too much, you just can't give up? have you ever told yourself to hold on, please don't fall apart? have you ever really listened, to a young girl's broken heart? do yo know how hard it is, for me to face another day? if you don't then tell me why, you treat me this way? have you ever felt the pain i have, do you know how i feel? have yo ever thought about your past, and just wished it wasn't real? have you ever been face to face with rape, and you can't pull away? do you know how it feels when you can't move, you just let him have his way? and you can't think, can't even breathe, don't even get a chance to fight, and every time you think about that all you wanna do is cry... have you ever watched your mom, fall farther and farther away from you and you wonder why it had to be her, why is life like this? have you ever screamed for help, wishing someone would hear? but no one hears your cries, no one sees your tears... have you ever been through, all the things I've been through? if you haven't then tell me why, you treat me like you do...
  5. thanks for your reply!! it still doesnt make everything ok though, the funny thing is i was happy last week and now i cant stant to be here. i remember how much of a fight it was overcomming my fears and becoming happy, now i feel like ive fallen off a cliff and i dont have the strenght to climb back up again, every one step i take foward i get pushed 10 back and im just so menatally and physically exhausted, i dont want to wake up in the morning and i just keep praying to god to take me away from here. i dont understand what i did to deserve all of this but it must of been absoulty terrible. i am worthless i cant do anything right, i cant even make my own decisions any more and that is pathetic, i jut dont know where my life is going anymore and im not sure if i even want life if this is how i feel every day, i dont know how much more of this i can take.
  6. falling apart.......again

    i got a letter in the mail on monday from my mother who i havent spoke to in almost 5 years saying that she wants to rebuild our relationship and that i need to tell everyone that my step father never abused me so that we can be a family again!!!! i always knew she never beleived me but i never thought she would tell me to say i lied. just from that one short letter my whole world is falling apart from under me and there is nothing i can do. the one person i thought would never leave me my boyfriend of 3 years and my friend for 8 years the person who i love with all my heart who has been there through everything who promised me id never be alone again, left me yesterday i just dont know what to do anymore i have no one. i thought i was over my assult that it was in the past i wasnt going to let him control my life anymore and one letter absolutly ripped me open i dont want to be here anymore i have lost all hope in anything in my life ever making me happy, i destroy every relationship i have and no one sticks around once they realise how pathetic i am, i cant live life like this im letting him win again and i dont have the strength to take back control of my life again, and im scared i dont want to kill my self but im just so tired and it feels like tommorrow is never going to come i cant take the pain anymore and my eyes are so swollen and sore. what the hell was i fighting for, what was i holding on to just a stupid dream that will never come true i just wish there was a way to end the pain i feel everyday because all my spirit it lost and and i have no hope. what do you do when you realise your worthless just a waste of space do i carry on in pain even though i know i wont be missed what do you do when everyone hates you do i stay here even though there is nothing left to prove no one would even care if i just gave up today, honestly taking my own life isnt a crime, no where will i be punished and no longer i will cry, i would be giving every one there wish. i even hate my self i cant stand who i see in the mirror all i see is sadness in my eyes, i keep falling into my self and im afraid of getting to deep im ready to give up to just let go and turn my back on it all, whats the point when i get up everyday just to fake it digging myslf un meaning holes and im always looked down on. i just dont know what to do im so scared to end my life but even more scared to wake up tommorrow. i need help badlybecause im falling apart...AGAIN some one please help me i dont want to do something stupid.
  7. my story

    when i was 6yrs old my parents split and with in one year both remarried. i was living at my dads house because it was closer to school, untill my stepmother moved in and convinced my dad to move me to my mums by that time my mum had already had my little brother to my step dad and was pregnate with my youngest brother, i was 7yrs old then. it started out small, with my step dad just showing my pornographic pictures i was so young i didn't understand what they were or why he was showing them to me, he made me promise to never tell anyone. on the 15th of july 3 days after my 8th birthday my mum had to work late, i was asleep in bed at around 9pm when my step dad came into my room naked and started touching me, he made me take off my clothes and told me that this is what every 8yr old does but no-one is aloud to talk about it, he did that to me almost everyday as i was home alone with him alot while my mum was at work. when i was 10yrs old it got worst he made perform oral sex on him everyday, when i told him i didnt want to he would say i didnt have a choice to either do it or he will tell my mum that i was naughty. on my 11th birthday he raped me for the first time but it was not the last i started thinking and realising that it was not okay for him to do that to me so one night when he came into my bed i told him i was going to tell my mum, i have never been punched so hard in my life he told me that no body would ever beleive meif i ever told a sole he would deny it and that there will never be a way to prove it, so i stayed quiet. this continued to happen for almost 3 years 2 weeks before my 14th birthday i got the courage to tell someone, that day i was taken away by community services none of my family beleived me (just like he said). i was put into counselling with a sexual assult counseller but i held all my fellings inside and rarly spoke so my counselling stoped 2 months later i tried to commit suicide i just couldnt deal with it anymore i didnt know who i was and i didnt want to be here anymore, i was admitted to hospital for 6 months and diagnosed with major depression i was discharged i was on anti-depressants and i hated it. the only thing that kept going through my mind was that i had to take a pill everyday to be happy, i stopped taking the medication after about 6 months and convinced myself that i was not going to let him win im not going to let him take over the rest of my life and that im going to acheive my goals. its now been 4 years since i left that house, my mother is still with him and i havent spoken to any one in my family since that day. i still have a hard time with what happened to me and i still cant trust myself or any one else and i dont know if i ever will again, but i am getting stronger each and everyday like i said before no one will ever hold me back from my dreams not even him.
  8. my escape

    A broken heart, Eyes red from crying, Al l I feel like doings dying. This pain is torture, I dont want to feel. This isnt happening. This cant be real. My body, my soul, theyre torn apart Im screaming, Im bleeding, With all of my heart. But nobody hears me, And nobody knows, And I myself will never dare show: Im furious, terrified, Alone and ashamed. And yet the same question remains: The cause of my problems - Who do I blame? God, you, or destiny? Maybe this sorrow was meant to be, Perhaps it was ordained for me. Should I embrace it? Should I let the pain be? I cant live like this. I know for a fact. In suicide lies bliss. And so I react. I grab the razor; bring it to my wrist, I sit on the ground, Clench and unclench my fist. Im ready, its over, no more hurt, no more pain. Its finally ending. Tears flow down like rain. I sit and I weep, blood runs down my hand, I slash with the razor, At my own command. Relief and peace, overwhelm me. Im dying, Escaping, Im finally free.
  9. sorry

    Sorry that I can't write a corny love poem, Something about stars and the night moon, About hearts skipping beats and butterflies, I also don't see one of them coming soon. Sorry that I can't write you a poem, my friend, About how you have my hand and my heart, And how no one could separate us in the end, But not mention that it would happen at the start. Sorry I can't write something to make it okay, To make you feel better and so you feel at ease, Maybe I am being selfish and "not caring" lately, Cos I wouldn't write it even if you said please. Sorry I can't write anything that'll satisfy you, About a forever that I refuse to believe in, Even if you swear, it doesn't affect me - it's true. Because this is what I think and feel within. There are no love poems and no happy poems, None that you want to bother reading anymore, Simply because everything's a lie I've come to see, And life's not butterflies and rainbows, it's a self war. And right now, I'm losing badly.
  10. its all your fault

    You are the cause You are my pain You are the reason I'm going insane I hate you dearly My soul will ache As long as I know That you're awake You've made me weak You forced me to lie You are the reason Why I still cry You've ruined my life It's all your fault I cannot escape Your deadly assault I'm haunted by you And your twisted soul Your hate stricken mind holds a selfish control I wish for your death To be painful and slow I wish for the day You go down below I want you to suffer For all that you've done My sadness was born The day you begun Everything you know Everything you touch has been destroyed By your evil clutch I place this on you This is your blame There's no one else This is your shame You deserve the worst May you never be free At least I'm not selfish Because you are Me....
  11. ive had enough

    I can not sleep again, My eyes constantly weep, I keep falling into myself, I am afraid of getting in too deep. I am slipping in the edge, Strongly ready to fall, Just to let go, And turn my back on it all. I am drowning in bad memories, So sick of crying inside, I have just had enough now, My corner is eroding away where I hide. My body is dying slowly, Wasting all away, I am slipping further, With each passing day. Burning out like a flame, Into a dark solitary place, Losing my undignified fight, As my tears fall down my face. I lie back, And suddenly I can not breathe, All I want in life, Is to quickly leave. Because I can not stand this, Can not cope with this anymore, My heart is badly broken, Scattered across the floor. Beyond being fixed, Pieces can never be but back together, It is too late, I can not be helped, This is me forever. I would rather walk away from here, I want to be dead, I wish I was never born, And to the happy place I wish I could be lead. So I am gonna let go now, And finally say good bye, Because I have finally had enough, And I no longer wanna cry.
  12. HI

    I have got all of this pain inside, And it will not go away. When I go to talk about it, I do not know what to say. And everything that I know, Is eating at my thoughts. It is not a doubt that I am broken, Amongst all that, I was taught. I don’t know why im trying, Why I bother anymore. My tears keep falling, My heart feels so sore. I cannot be who I am, Seem to always do the wrong thing. Where am I anyway? What good fortune do I bring? I am suffering from lost happiness, But nobody cares. Im soaked in permanent sadness, Caught in a world that seems so unfair. I always ask myself why I am living, If this is how I feel. I just want this heart to heal, My spirit died. It hurts too much to be touched, So tender and sensitive within. My dignity has been damaged, From the moment, he splinted my skin. And it is all lost, Every trace of who I use to be. Im grounded by this hurt, From someone who is not me.