FloweringRose

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About FloweringRose

  • Rank
    Long live the rose who grew from concrete!
  • Birthday 10/06/1992

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Transgender
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Canada
  • Interests
    Writing, poetry, music, painting, anything beautiful

    ...And otherwise I'm rediscovering that =)
  1. It's awful to feel like that, and to feel alienated even in a space that should feel safe to you. I do hope you can keep reaching out, and find the support you need, and people who do relate. And certainly you are worth the help, and are definitely not hopeless or useless (though I have been in a similar headspace before, with very similar thoughts). Caring and really really hoping you can find the help you need and feel some relief with it all
  2. As a Side Note In General

    So with everything I used to post about my grandmother, and all the feelings I used to have? It wasn't all in my head. My grandmother has some issues that my mother had to deal with growing up too, and well I got some relief knowing it wasn't just me. Some of her behavior in August and October were so appalling too (my grandmother) that I couldn't close my eyes anymore to the fact that she really can be a very ab*sive person. I don't know. It's still hard accepting. Even knowing it's not just me. That I didn't cause all of my childhood and all of this pain. Still a lot to wrap around. Day by day I guess. Even with all the pain (and clearly insomnia, it being so late) I am getting better. Little by little. Even with all those awful thoughts I mentioned in the other post.. I hope it keeps going up here. Thank goodness for my wonderful T and finally having some good friends.
  3. Read this too and well, you are not terrible and selfish. You are feeling a lot and going through a lot and it's okay to be all mixed up, to have uncertainty, to only want to be with people you feel comfortable with and not judged by. You have the right to that space to take care of yourself, and that right to only be with people that you can feel safe with right now. I really hope you can find some relief with all of this. I hope you can feel less of the burden of such awful emotions and thoughts. And I'm sure what that friend said isn't helping and I'm sorry for that. You deserve understanding through everything. Caring very very much through this.
  4. I don't think you're worthless at all. And I do understand being confused about your heritage and having no answers for it. I haven't personally been able to bring it up to people, but when you dissociate a lot and when your family background is so chaotic, I think it's understandable to be really confused. I believe you and that you're still trying to work it out. You don't ever have to talk about your family history if you're not comfortable either, and I'm sorry you felt pressured. I understand too about those looping thoughts and feeling stuck to even get out of bed, stuck to deal with services, like it's all too much. I know saying "it can get better" isn't of much help, but I do know that even though I felt like that for so long, I did find help that truly helped and have felt good days. It's still a struggle but there HAS been some light through the darkness, if it's of any hope for you at all. As a Jewish person too, I can tell you there's not a "wrong" way to be Jewish. If you pray every day or you pray two times a year, it's okay. And if you can't pray that's all right as well! Your heritage and religion are yours, however much or little you can identify with them at any time. I hope you can take care of yourself through everything. If you need to talk about it, you can PM too okay? I promise I can listen without judgment, and at least when it comes to struggling with family heritage and identity I can really relate. I hope you can be okay through all of this
  5. I Have a Problem

    And I feel it's getting worse. I've gotten to the point where anyone expressing anger, if it's not specifically stated towards who or what, I assume it's towards me. I wait every single day to have someone tell me that I am bad, terrible, shouldn't live, shouldn't talk, shouldn't be who I am etc. I keep waiting for that searing comment that's going to break me through, and it never comes, but I hear it in my head, such horrible words screamed at me, and just waiting for someone else to say it too... It feels so real. I don't know if it's voices from the past abuse, as in the abuser's words to me now, just convinced others are thinking it too... I don't know. So dissociated with that all right now. I also see every attempt at reaching out as bad, and that there are people out there "seeing through me" and thinking what a terrible liar I am. I see all the terrible emotions I feel as attention seeking, especially when shared, but even when not.. I think what if it's all in my head, what if people see it's all in my head, what if people see I am so terrible and there's nothing I can do about it, at all? I've been trying to logically tell myself this is ridiculous. People aren't out there reading what I'm saying and going "They shouldn't exist for that and wow clearly everything they've ever experienced is all in their head I can tell from how they type, how often they post etc", and yet part of me is so distraught emotionally, because somewhere inside I'm convinced they are. It's hard to breathe and exist like this. I don't feel I have a right to any of my thoughts or feelings right now. Certainly no right to express them. It's dizzying. It's been bringing me to my absolute edge for months whenever it comes up. I hate this. I don't know how to deal with it or get myself to believe emotionally that none of this is true, I'm not bad, and I'm not doing anything wrong by feeling
  6. Wishing I Felt More "In Myself" I Guess

    I never really figured out how to be my own person. As in, I never really figured out how to realize I'm not what my parents or family say I am, and that if I need space or am different than them or live life differently than their ideal, I'm still okay. I mean I'm 20 and if certain family members said "Do this, do that" I would. Even if I hated it. It's a good thing my grandmother is not acting up anymore. She scared me pushing me to contact M. It was so so hard to stand up to her and say "This isn't okay, and no." I had to literally leave the space with her which was hard since we were all alone in an isolated house. But it's true that I just don't know how to be able to be okay just.. doing what I need to. I don't know. It kind of sucks. Thinking of that at the same time as feeling really sad and empty. I can't shake the feeling that I've lost so much, some things that won't ever come back. I can't shake this feeling that maybe it'll always end up feeling so empty. But maybe it won't. I don't know. With time it'll get easier? I know I've gotten better even from last year so, I am making progress, even if it's hard to feel. Sigh. This was a silly ramble. I just wish I knew how to be alone with myself, to validate myself, to soothe myself. To know my feelings are okay and they are what they are. I somehow missed developing these along the way and it sucks. In so many ways I'm re-parenting myself constantly, and it's just exhausting. Bleh. I hope this week passes and I can get some rest once the exam stress is over too.
  7. Everything about this situation was rape, and I'm so sorry you had to go through such pain and such violation from what *he* did and you're absolutely right in saying he's the sick one. You were *15* and he was a much older man who knew exactly what he was doing, and took advantage of his age and position, and it's not okay he did that whatsoever. I hope you find more understanding people in the future, what that person said sounds devastating. Grooming is an awful truth of many abusive situations, and traumatic bonding is actually some of the strongest bonds, sometimes having more control over someone than other love or familial ties. Some books discussing that are "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft and a co-writer. That second author has another book called "Why Does He Do That?" which is a really good (although triggering) look into the mind of abuser's. I know those books helped me come to grips with my feelings towards my abuser and how I stayed in a very abusive relationship, so they might help you? You're certainly not alone, and there's very real reasons survivors stay/go back. Also it's really something to be proud of you are here talking about your story, and working on healing and forgiving yourself. That is wonderful and I hope you can hold on to for yourself Take care of yourself, and much care to you
  8. Rant About Surviving and Love

    Exhausted today. It doesn't matter how little or much I sleep right now, I just feel completely wiped out. Hoping as I get healthier that passes. Sighs. Was thinking today though how in a sense, I need to love to function. It's strange but true. I guess I'm finally admitting it. All the times in my life I've been healthiest are always either when I'm in a relationship that's making me happy or have feelings for someone (or more than someone) that are making me happy. The relationship part isn't even the central part, it's the fact I feel that affection and feel good about it, not shameful or bad towards myself, or not being in a position where I'm being abused by the other party. Like when I was with M and things felt good near the beginning (even though not everything was looking back), I did my best in school, I had the energy to be in a lot of extracurriculars, I had the spirit to deal with life and setbacks. And when him and I fell apart, and he was being abusive, suddenly I had nothing in me to give. And it's been the same since sadly! Like being with E felt like it put life back into me, until things went downhill. And after things completely collapsed, I did myself. It wasn't that the trauma or my current life or the past changed that drastically you know? It's the fact that that love wasn't there anymore, not in her, not in myself. It felt like my life was completely dark. And then in November I start liking this new guy, totally unexpectedly, and suddenly I'm happy again! Able to find good thoughts! It's like the depression instantly lifts and I feel *normal*. Not hyper or down or scattered by just, able to function and able to process and able to get through what's going on. It gives me this inner strength and fulfillment that's hard to explain. And then the last few days I've felt all this doubt around it and once again things feel.. dark and morose. Absolutely exhausted. Ugh. I'm sick of this. I know prayer can sometimes bring that same emotion, of love and of feeling a "full heart", but it's too triggering most times. And I don't know what to do because I shouldn't depend on feeling love to be able to carry on should I? I've tried exercise and meditation and positive thinking and I've been in therapy for a year and yeah those can help, but it's not the same. And they really mostly kick in with those feelings of love in the background at the same time. That's when they're most effective for me. It's hard to explain. If only it was easier to love myself like that? I guess I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe that would be the answer? Ugh I'm so exhausted and feeling down on myself right now. I need to go lie down probably.
  9. It's okay to be tired of that. It's hard, especially when you really wish things could be different or you could do more, but it's not in your ability at the moment. And that's okay, though it's hard to accept, and is a sort of grieving in itself. Caring, and hope the birthday went well, and that you are taking gentle care of yourself and showing yourself understanding if ok
  10. Getting Really Depressed...

    Sighs. I had more words even when I started this. But now my mind is fluttering around the words I want to say and just dropping the thoughts constantly. Maybe I just need to take point form notes on my mind. Seriously. My heart feels like it's just seizing up at the idea of saying half of what's wrong. ->Crashing. It's sinking in what B did to me, and E. It's sinking in I'm very alone right now. It's sinking in I have no one to call. ->Everything mom did, like blaming me for what happened particularly with B, also what she did to her friend that still have trouble wrapping my head around ->Nightmares with bubbie, her lies about my brother, her in general. So confusing. ->The whole summer losing the three most important people in my life ->D and all those other random boys... ->All those men. Finding out it's true. That a wad of money is more important than me. That my mother's family didn't or couldn't protect me.. ->Tiny bit of M but less so. Thankfully I've mostly recovered from that at least temporarily. ->RA things... Bleh. And I just feel like J won't love me. He won't love me unless it's to be abusive to me and then well my brain can suddenly understand him wanting to be with me. But to think he could want me, in a sweet way, in a way that actually cares about me? And that it could actually be *healthy*? To even dream it's possible? It seems foolish. And I feel heartbroken for letting myself believe otherwise. Nothing has changed just my mind keeps telling me it can't be. It doesn't matter how it felt being with him or what he said or what happened. It's only all to hurt me if it's anything at all. Thinking of him and what a good time we had together and how great it will be to see him again and hold him was what was cheering me up. Now I just feel heartbroken instead so.. everything feels worse. Ugh I'm just breaking down Feels like my heart is sinking into a hole. I hope I can get out of the house and just.. not be stuck in this feeling. SIGH. I just don't feel like I will ever be loved or deserve to be loved, or be happy for long. Sighs.
  11. But I don't know how, and I don't know where. I don't want to be judged for something that took a long time to figure out how to work out. don't want to be judged for something that is a complicated situation and well a lot of people wouldn't understand. You see he victimized us based on our DID and explicit knowledge of our past and our system. And it's not fair :/ But I/we still want to talk about it. Just don't know how to at all, or who would understand and listen. SIGHS. 2012 sucked I'll tell you that.
  12. Read through and having faced some of the same responses, I know it is SO disheartening, and absolutely heartbreaking after something so traumatic and hurtful already was so painful you know? It's definitely secondary wounding and it's not fair you had to experience that. I've had similar with male friends and it's an absolutely disgusting response, to want to take advantage of you more for what happened to you. I hope you can cut contact with that friend and keep yourself safe, it's why I had to lose a lot of male friends but it was worth it, to be safe from it. I don't know if this will be comforting but for the times I've had my trust and my disclosure betrayed like this, I've also found many supportive and caring people too, especially amongst other survivors here online or in places like group therapy. Perhaps looking into a group therapy if there is one available to you and when you feel ready might be a good place to relearn trust? However that takes time, and it's totally understandable you've feel you've had it. People can be so cruel, and you deserve to be treated with care and respect, not responded to like this, especially by people who are supposed to care about you. Good thoughts your way and hope you can keep talking about it here if it helps to get it off your chest, and definitely listening through how awful it is. I really hope you can take care of yourself and find much safer people to talk with about it all in the future
  13. Friend Being Pushy, And Just Frustrated

    I think I need to cut off even more people than I have, and be really assertive about it. I thought D would have a bit more tact and realization than he does but he doesn't. There's no way it's okay to offer me money for "services", or to keep pushing me to be a dominant when I've told him I don't even want to do anything with anyone. Especially him after certain things. UGH. I don't know why people are like this but I'm sick of it. I'm not meant to have my boundaries pushed like this, and money is no freaking excuse. Seriously. It's no excuse to and doesn't make it okay. I need to travel and meet new people. I'm nervous still, I mean, I've had my trust really shaken. But I can't stay with the people I've been around before now because it just reminds me of where I was, all the pain I was in, everything that went terrible. I hope I can get myself safe, and get myself going enough I can get out of these situations and this place. Ugh there's so much behind this post but I don't even want to talk about it. I'm ashamed of all that's happened and what I've found out about my past. It's not fair but it's there And I have to live with it. Sighs. This sucks right now, while I'm sick and stuck thinking.
  14. Thank you Greensnail ((((GS)))) It's so appreciated, and yeah just trying to get rid of the guilt and shame in general. Hope I can.
  15. Can't Sleep Over Silly Self Loathing

    I literally can't sleep because I feel bad for the way I was flirting with a guy in November. Not because it was bad or anything (I mean I have been single since September, even if E has been bothering me a lot), but because I feel like everyone thought I was a ditz or a sl*t or an id*ot or all these bad things that don't even make sense, words I wouldn't ever use about anyone else anyways! I mean. Come on brain. Leave me alone. Ugh. NO ONE ELSE is probably even remembering it at all. And it's keeping me awake -___- Literally, we were drunk at a dinner table and he started playing with my hair and I giggled and said it felt nice and no one's played with my hair in so long so it felt even nicer. Not really catastrophe is it? Certainly not how my head is perceiving it! No one is out there in the world right now saying "Geez, she really did sound stupid that night, and I can't believe she was flirting with that guy, that makes her so disgusting." Bah. I literally don't know how to function with dating or flirting or crushes or anything anymore. I feel guilty and dirty and ashamed around it all. I mean even being attracted to someone feels really foreign and strange to me. I don't even know what to do with it or myself. I was being dead serious about the playing with my hair bit too. I mean, my exes played with my hair but they always pushed it to well, other things. So no one has just touched me in such a cutesy playful way for no reason in so long, and I've really been needing affectionate, safe and nice touch. Kind of sad really, considering. SIGHS. I really really like this guy too. It's so weird. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it when I see him next month but I definitely hope we hold hands and stuff again. I just wish I wasn't so hard on myself for things that don't even matter. ESPECIALLY when it robs me of sleep. :glare:/> Only publishing this in the hopes that maybe now that I know it's out there and maybe someone read it I don't have to feel so bad or ashamed and I can just sleep.