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About BruisedSpirit

  • Birthday 12/15/1973

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    cooking, spending time with my niece and nephew, sea kayaking, travelling, learning to love myself
  1. Hi, I just noticed something and I wonder if it is a setting somewhere in the board software or if it's something that we all have to live with. I started a new topic and within the post I used the
  2. memories are poison

    i so desperately don't want to remember these things. Can't i just have a break, even for just a day. Why must every day begin in the same manner? i wake up terrified and then angry, brutally angry, because here i am again with a whole new day of uncontrollable memories, thoughts, visions, smells and tastes. Each sense alive and kicking - kicking me in the gut. i just wish my memories weren't so poisonous or toxic to me. Why can't i have memories of butterflies or bunny rabbits instead of spiders and snakes filled with venom. My mind is a toxic waste dump of hurt and despair.
  3. it doesn't matter

    i've been fighting the urges all day. but it just hurts so much knowing that no matter how hard i fight, how hard i try, in the end she's going to do whatever she wants anyways. i have no control and even if i keep fighting these urges, she'll find a reason to injure me anyways. i hide the evidence of her past 'punishments' under my shirt because, really, who's going to believe me anyways. If i go to the hospital, they'll just think i did it to myself. i've been there often enough because of my own actions, why would they believe me now. Why do i keep fighting? all this effort. all this pain. it just doesn't matter because she's going to do it to me anyways.
  4. who AM i?

    who AM i? seems like an easy enough question but i truly don't know the answer. i find myself asking a different question: What am i? what. As if i'm just some inanimate object; a thing. i eat, sleep, breathe, i am not a 'what', i am a 'who' - at least i think that's what i'm supposed to feel. It was never good for me to be anything but a 'thing'. something that doesn't feel or think or need or want. it was always easier to follow commands, do what i was told, be whatever they wanted me to be. but i could never be myself. so, what am i? i don't know.
  5. First entry....

    i know i should begin my blogging experience with a super-fantastic, unforgettable entry but words are actually hard to come by for me. i hope to use this as a place for me to vent and rant and ponder the mysteries of my life with the hopes of somehow understanding myself a little better. You all know the old saying: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."? Well, for me, this is step one. I hope some of you will join me as i walk the rest of the way.
  6. Hi, i was told by another member that they can't send a PM to me because my inbox is saying it's full. Can someone slap the side of the server a couple times so it will give me the unlimited space again? Thanks!
  7. i received a PM today, so it appears to work now. Thanks!
  8. i've been told several times in the last few days that others can't reply to my messages because my in PM inbox is full. i thought with a contributing membership i have unlimited space. Is there something i'm doing wrong? Can someone help me? thanks, 24KAu