stormynitez

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  • Content count

    19
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About stormynitez

  • Rank
    MIZUNDASTOOD
  • Birthday 01/01/1979

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Location
    PA
  • Interests
    READING, WRITING POETRY AND SHORT STORIES, BLOGGING, AND SPENDING TIME WITH MY SON...
  1. UNTITLED

    IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER..OR NEVER..THAT I WILL CLOSE MY EYES TO REST..AS THIS BURDEN UPON MY CHEST..SUFFOCATES ME SLOWLY..WITH EACH PASSING DAY..ITS ALMOST 418a.m...IM WATCHING ANOTHER DAY BEGIN..AS THE TEARS FALL FROM THESE WEARY EYES..LIKE THE RAIN..RUSHING DOWN MY WINDOW PANE..FALLING TO THE GROUND.. BARELY MAKING A SOUND..MY THOUGHTS ARE LOUDER..THAN THESE RAIN SHOWERS..WASHING AWAY WHATS ON THE SURFACE..WHEN GOING DEEPER LIES THE..SOUL..PURPOSE..OF MY JOURNEY, WITH NO CLEAR DIRECTIONS..EXCEPT FOR THE ONE THAT LEADS TO HER HEART..HOPING SHE DOESNT CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT LETTING ME IN..MY DREAM COME TRUE..WHO JUST WANTS TO SEE ME THROUGH..THIS NEVERENDING NIGHTMARE..I PAUSE..TO STARE..AS 440a.m..GLARES..BACK AT ME..HOW DID I CONQUER THIS INSANITY..FOR SO LONG..THOUGHT I HAD A GRIP, BUT IM STARTING TO SLIP..LACK OF SLEEP..IM STARTING TO TRIP..LIKE CHANNELS ON A TV..READY TO FLIP..19hrs AND COUNTING..TENSION MOUNTING..MY HEAD IS POUNDING..MY TEARS STILL BLINDING, BUT I NEED TO GET IT OUT, BECAUSE IM SLOWLY UNWINDING..LIKE A TOY WITH DEAD BATTERIES..
  2. NIGHTS LIKE THIS

    I WOULD WISH THAT THE RAIN WAS FALLIN..ITS ALREADY HERE..SO THERES NO NEED..TO CALL ON IT..TO WASH AWAY..THE 5am..FROM WHICH MY HEAD IS STILL POUNDING.. UNEXPECTEDLY..IT INVADED ME..UNWANTED MEMORIES..AROUSING ME..SWEATING..PULLING..AT MY SHEETS.. COMMONLY..CALMING ME..MYSELF..QUIETLY..LONELY..UNKNOWINGLY..ZONING..TO REGROUP..GET THROUGH..TOO MUCH ALREADY..IVE GIVEN TO YOU.. UNLIKE THE RAIN..THIS SOUL YOU HAVE STAINED..CONTENTMENT..IS THE GAME I HAVE CHALLENGED MYSELF TO..ANYTHING..TO MAKE THROUGH..
  3. feelings

    have u ever been in so much pain to the point that u cant even cry anymore. Thats how i feel, its there and i feel my tears wanting to come forward, but this wall of numbness holds it all back. I'm numb because i dont have it in me to cry another tear for the people i have lost in my life because they couldnt accept me or my issues. I feel like im being punishes for something i had no control over and I'm still being punished because I cant control my emotions towards it. I am thirty years old and have not had one semi decent relationship. People say that there should be more im focused on but im still human and i have alot of love 2 give. I'm gonna stop now because I feel them coming
  4. rambling

    I'm just feeling very lonely 2nite. I don't really have any friends, so no1 to call 2 say "hey, lets go out". So I work and come home. There is some1 who is very special 2 me, but I'm not to her, cuz as I sit here and write this, she is home taking a nap so she can get up in an hour and a half 2 go out with some1 else. I wis I knew how 2 get over her, how 2 stop loving her the way that I do. I feel like no1 wants 2 be around me. I've been reduced to antidepressants and sleep meds. It doesn't take away who and what I am. A good person with a good heart, who went thru a lot of tough times and is looking 4 support. Idk "how do u find the words 2 say goodbye, when ur heart don't have the heart 2"
  5. Time for T 2morrow

    Well, kids, it's back to T 4 me 2morrow. I am anxious about going in because we will be discussing a story that I wrote that I will be be posting in one of the forums shortly, and I am worried that I will not be able to handle going back to those places. It is one thing to write it and leave it "there", but to have someone actually bring in ur face and say "here it is, what are we going to do about it?" I do not know if I am ready. I am not feeling to well, so I do not have the energy to let it stress me all night. So I am going to take something to knock me right out and then I will get up in the morning and worry again So wish me luck. I will return to let u know how it went, if u get a chance go check out the post in the forum. Feedback is most certainly welcomed by all.
  6. Feel like one of those nights

    I've been at work all day, and I have so much homework to catch up on, but I dont feel like it. I have a headache, and I have this headache, because I am getting tired of being told over and over again how draining I can be. So I have decided not to say anything to anyone about whatever is on my heart. It sucks when u have to constantly turn into urself, and the experience for me is also draining. I guess I would rather feel like this, then to have someone tell me to my face or through a text that I'm draining and that sometimes, they're just not in the mood to be bothered, and that I put too much faith in people, so when they snap on me, I'm left with no one. K has all but washed her hands of me and while M has expressed her opinion of being worn down, she still checks in. I asked why does she still do it, if I wear her out so much? She pretty much told me that my nervous breakdown would not be on her conscience. Nice right!!!
  7. thoughts

    I've been in bed since 3 this afternoon, in the dark playing the same 6 cd's over and over again. It has been an emotionally draining day. I'm just so tired, I don't know how much I really have left in me..yes I do..NOTHING..I have NOTHING left. I'm tired, people don't hear me when I speak, 2 self absorbed. I didn't go to "T" 2day, he called me at the last min with a cancellation and it takes me 3 buses 2 get there, but at this point does it really matter if I go or not, cuz I'm tired. U ask people for help..practically beg them, but then when its 2 late, they're standing around saying "I should have been there" well DAMMIT, I'm asking u now to throw me a life preserver becuz I'm drowning, and ur just standing there watching..WTF is wrong with u people?
  8. I need to escape

    Right now LOVE is just a filthy four letter word that should not be used towards me in the same sentence right now. People say it and they dont mean it, if I had a razor for each time I heard it, I would slice them thin like paper cut and say "love isnt supposed to feel like this." I look at the scars on my arms and think to myself, this is not how I love myself, but it's the only time I feel human. So right now I just hate them..I hate them all. I just want to know that I am human, is that too F*CKING much to ask?
  9. Wondering what the night will bring

    I just got in from work, and although I am exhausted, I have chosen to do other things to keep myself busy. It's after midnight and I am washing laundry. I dont have therapy today, so I will be home alone. I thought about finding some things to do to keep myself busy, and another part of me wants to turn off all of my phones and just lie in bed and cry, from the emptiness I feel. I havent heard from K in 2 days, but she will contact me later on today and ask me how therapy was, then when I tell her I didnt have it, she will chat with me briefly and disappear. I just dont get how she can pretend that where we were three weeks ago,just doesnt exist. I'm just tired of feeling unwanted. It's usually quiet when I have my day off, my phone does not ring, no one except M, may text or call to check on me, but I don't know how much longer I will lean on her, she just told me today while we were having lunch that I pull on her too much, and that I should learn to deal with things on my own. IF I WAS ABLE TO DEAL ON MY OWN, I WOULD NOT BE ON ANT-DEPRESSANTS, SLEEP MEDICATION, AND BEFORE LONG MOOD STABILIZERS. My therapist tells me I need at leant 10 people to establish a good support team, and she's telling me that I shouldn't have any, because I need to learn to deal with things by myself. WELL I HAVE BEEN BY MYSELF AND SUFFERED IN SILENCE FOR 20 YEARS, what else does she want me to do. I just want someone to call me on the phone to let me vent and cry and scream, or to be here with me to hold me as I sob uncontrollably, grieving for the innocence I lost and the little I try to cling to, by being a good person and good mother to my son. She's been through it, I thought she would have a better understanding about how I feel. She doesn't, because I have learned that we have coped differently, but through the same two common types of behavior. She became promiscuous, and I turned into myself. Our attitudes are so different about it, but she expects me to be just like her and I can't. This man beat my mother, threatened to kill my little brother, and he was only four. I try to tell her that her methods are not full proof and that the attitude she wants me to have is easier said then done. I've come to realize that all of the going out of the way I have done for people I am not going to get that in return, so I am left alone to deal with this, and I feel like I'm in prison right now with no chance of parole.
  10. Tired and Fed up this morning...

    Last night was rough, I had a nightmare that literally raised me out of bed up on my hands and knees screaming out. I felt like I was there all over again, but I wasn't. I was completely alone and terrified. I grabbed my cellphone and called M over and over until she picked up about 130. She talked to me, she kept me company, but the fear lingered, so even after she drifted off to sleep, I just laid there and listened to her, I guess I felt that her being there in that sense was better than being all by myself. I told myself that I didn't know how much longer I can continue on like this. I have started back to school, I have a 7 yr old autistic son and I am a single mother. It's becoming to overwhelming and I fear I'm going to really break and lose him. I'm n therapy, they want to pump me full of meds, but I cant function like that, and I feel even worse when I'm on them. My greatest fears right now is crashing and losing my son, he's my EVERYTHING, my 2nd fear is losing all that I have worked so hard for, 3rd is NEVER finding true love, because people in this world today are so self absorbed, it's hard to find someone who will understand, accept, and how to see u through it while loving you at the same time. My emotions are all over the place and I am unsure of what the day is going to bring, but I will fight to stay positive..who would have thought that wanting to live positively even with the simple things in life would be such a draining task for people like us
  11. My First Entry

    I've never done this before, but I feel like I'm running out of places to turn too. There is K and M, who I talked to, but I think it became too much for K and she has pulled away from me. The funny thing is K has been around for almost 4 years, and M only 9mths. But M is a very verbal person who has a lot of her own crap going on, so she makes it very clear at times that she is not in the mood to hear me whine, or be around me when I am depressed because I bring her down. K was extremely supportive, she was there for me whenever I needed to talk, but something happened, well two things happened that I wish had never happened. K, well she approached me in a way I never expected she would because she's straight. I mean I knew of her curiosity and we joked about her and I, but I never thought that it would actually go, and it over and over and over and over again for almost three weeks straight. She was calling me everyday, asking when she can see me, telling me that she used to fantasize about me, when she was with her now ex-BOYFRIEND, and telling me that she really likes me and wants to pursue something with me. This started at the beginning of December and briefly ended 2 days after Xmas. It only went down the way that it did is because she called a 302 on..I had a meltdown one night and she thought I was trying to kill myself. They did not keep me, and she came to get me from the hospital the next morning. Mostly silence and when we did talk we argued. So for the 2nd time she breaks my heart...oh I 4got to mention that I have been in love with her since I met her, but she was caught up into her now ex, and she turned me down, and that was just in Feb of last year, and we didnt even cross that line. So needless to say that because we did cross that line, and the time we were starting to spend together, and feelings being revealed again, when she did that I really wanted to die. Now we barely talk, and as I sit here writing this, the tears are flowing, because I want to contact her and tell her that I miss her, and that I am having a hard night, because my childhood memories are creeping up on me tonight and I just need to hear her tell me that everything is gonna be ok. But she blew up on me yesterday, when I contacted her and told her that I had a nightmare the night before that had me pacing the floor, she told me to that basically she has her own issues going on and that I should just call my therapist because she was tired of being everyone's go to person, but then she texted me later and asked if my day had gotten better. I didnt respond, because I'm just tired of feeling like my feelings are 2 much to handle. I mean it is not my fault that I was molested when I was 8, and I have been lost and trying to find my way every sense. This man's wife works at my job, I have to look her in the face everyday, as she looks upon me clueless to the type of monster this man was when he was dating my mother. It's really in my face, when I turn the corner and he's there, because he comes to get her from time to time, and he looks at me and speaks like we are old friends. I have to stop now this is just too much