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About duhibrokeit

  • Birthday 10/03/1980

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  • Location
    Wasilla Ak
  • Interests
    Coffee... family, hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, snowmaching, 6 wheeling, photography, work...
  1. Set back... Invisible Scars

    For the most part I do well, but I still have bad spells that yank me right back to reality/remembering all too well. I have started this last session on my own! Not my intentions, but I have not spoken to my real mother in over 10 years. I gave it a shot, and I also needed help to a medical appointment that I could not drive home from. Little did I know that I would be blind sided in conversation about one word! My aunt’s name came up in conversation in taking care of my grandparents! I about threw up. This just solidifies how unbelievable my family is. Not only was the first time telling them difficult to stomach and hope that they believed me, which I didn’t get the impression of. But this time it was as if I was being tortured again. I don’t understand how anyone would want to even speak to another person after their child told them what happened! I know it isn’t my fault, but yet it is. I don’t have a large network of friends. And this medical appointment was right in the middle of moose season, and was on a Monday! So, getting any ride from any of my friends was impossible! Sounds strange, but it was scheduled on the previous Thursday. So my normal rides were already headed out or had plans to head out! Ugh… anyways… I had been doing well, staying busy with work. I worked so much last year it isn’t funny! I hurt myself, and have not worked since May, and have had a lot of time to sit and think about things, and I had been doing somewhat okay, but not so much lately. Either the stress of the upcoming back surgery, recovery by myself, or the stupidity of people who are suppose to trust and believe you because “you are blood!” I don’t understand people, maybe people who aren’t sexually abused don’t understand… if not then they should read and educate themselves! So this caused me to sit and write this next note. Not many people know what happened to me and those that do are hand selected and are told at the appropriate times. I find writing helps, not a daily journal, but just venting at the moment... This is my invisible scars: Life it starts and ends with very fragile bodies. There are tears of joy and sadness, but it is what happens between everything that matters. Some people have lives filled with large families and network of friends, while others chose a different path. Or do they? Some it is chosen for them! Some people say that they don’t lie nor do they keep secrets, but I think we all know someone that usually has both. I am not one to sit and talk very much. In my own comfort, I will speak my mine freely. Some say that blood creates a bond, while others say it doesn’t matter one bit. I have been hurt and helped in my life by both statements. Some might question how I would say some situation in life has helped, but my honest opinion is that I would not know what to do if things were different. Each step in life has made me who I am. Sometimes I would rather have had more options, but survival at the present time is usually what choice is taken, the only choice. Some I am glad I took, while those that were risky and I chose to do and my expectations were extremely let down. We can make choices, take chances, forgive some, while others that is never the option. I don’t need someone telling me what has worked for him or her or made them happy in life. Last time I checked I didn’t have a conjoined twin. There are people that know my story and there are people that never will. What works for one person doesn’t always work for others, so I chose to deal with things the best way that I can. I can be moody and temperamental in some situations, but usually I try to avoid confrontation and will stand my ground and support my decisions and actions. Being able to stand up for ones self and confront those that question me is a right that I have, and I usually stand for those that I believe in whole hearted! IF I didn’t, I would only be letting myself down and those around me who think they know me and what I stand for. I will not take excuses for actions, just as I expect no sympathy for my own. Those actions of others sometimes leave invisible scars, just because they are not seen, doesn’t mean one can’t look into a mirror and see them. One can learn a lot about one's self by facing yourself. My wealth and materialistic things I own or want are not necessarily the best, but it will allow me to enjoy my hobbies. If we are suppose to do something each day to help people, I have failed, If we are suppose to trust those that are close to us, I have failed. Who are we trying to impress? What for? I am only trying to do what is right and correct at the present time. Doing what is right, helping others, accepting help(work in progress), and being helpful to those they might be given a more difficult deal in life, is what I try to live by each and everyday. I may never step foot in a church again, I may never read the bible again, just as each of you have your choices in life. Don’t tell me what I need, this way of life or these actions that will make me happy. I am my own person, you don’t see my invisible scars.
  2. People use words in daily conversation, not knowing how they affect people. I have only a few problems in life that I am trying to overcome, yet my triggers send me back beyond the progress I’ve worked so hard for over the past years. The reason I just joined this forum. I know I have a problem interacting with people. It seems just as I am getting very comfortable in my shell, something happens. This last one, was that my cousin, whom messaged me on my space, said my real mom and step dad were getting a divorce. Mr religion, cheated on my mother. If I had my choice, I’d be sitting in jail now, for shooting him back when I was a child. Finding this out, burns me inside. No sympathy for my mother, but for the reasons growing up I was forced to do so many things, and here just as I observe many religious people, they are spineless and never to be trusted! I have my own idea about life. Things happen for a reason, yet some things shouldn’t. My life was changed, and daily I am trying to reclaim it. This I will do, but these struggles that have just re-entered my life, are not helping one bit. I need to find my little hobby, to keep my mind busy from all this negativity! Day by day…
  3. Tired of the same ol rut....

    So, life has brought me to this. I am not hung up on what happened to me over 20 years ago, but it has shaped my life in so many ways, that it is remembered almost on a daily basis. I have not forgiven, nor will I! What happened lasted about 3 years to my best memory... and photos. No one understood that my aunt could have done those things, when she lived with my grandparents, and that I'd always go to visit them on the weekends. So.... My real mother and step dad didn't believe me, but they did at least "pick a counselor for me at first." I chose to leave home, for other reasons as well, and then I've never looked back. I have had no contact with them in about 10 years. I've tried to keep in touch here and there with my family, but they do not understand why I left, and other things, so it is best I just not talk to anyone. I have lately found out through my cousin that my real mom and step dad are getting divorced after 20 years. I am happy, but for the reasons that they are getting a divorce, I'd like to slowly torture the SOB for things that I suffered through as a child. I am not sorry that it happened to me, and no sympathy is requested. I've seen a counselor for a few years, which helped me greatly, but I have since moved, and do not feel like starting completely over again. I have a difficult time speaking with people about my situation that I am in life now. People do not understand why I am single, 28, never married, and only been in 1 serious relationship that lasted a little more than 6 years. My life is driven by negativity! Not on purpose, but it is the first thing that always comes to mind. If something happens to me, or against me I would rather just write that person or people off, and never return or go around them again. I do not put up with people what so ever. I am happy by myself, yet it does get lonely. I do not have a big network of friends, usually less than 5... and rarely get out to do things with them. I enjoy my job, I enjoy some of the people I work with, but there are some that i am sure that would like to know why I am not out dating anything that goes home with a guy after a night of drinking. I do have morals and standards. With this, maybe I'll start ridding myself of some negative, and start realizing the good in my life. Slowly, life can be changed, but that one event that happened always has something to do with my decisions on a daily basis, always protecting me.