For the most part I do well, but I still have bad spells that yank me right back to reality/remembering all too well. I have started this last session on my own! Not my intentions, but I have not spoken to my real mother in over 10 years. I gave it a shot, and I also needed help to a medical appointment that I could not drive home from. Little did I know that I would be blind sided in conversation about one word! My aunt’s name came up in conversation in taking care of my grandparents! I about threw up. This just solidifies how unbelievable my family is. Not only was the first time telling them difficult to stomach and hope that they believed me, which I didn’t get the impression of. But this time it was as if I was being tortured again. I don’t understand how anyone would want to even speak to another person after their child told them what happened! I know it isn’t my fault, but yet it is. I don’t have a large network of friends. And this medical appointment was right in the middle of moose season, and was on a Monday! So, getting any ride from any of my friends was impossible! Sounds strange, but it was scheduled on the previous Thursday. So my normal rides were already headed out or had plans to head out! Ugh… anyways… I had been doing well, staying busy with work. I worked so much last year it isn’t funny! I hurt myself, and have not worked since May, and have had a lot of time to sit and think about things, and I had been doing somewhat okay, but not so much lately. Either the stress of the upcoming back surgery, recovery by myself, or the stupidity of people who are suppose to trust and believe you because “you are blood!” I don’t understand people, maybe people who aren’t sexually abused don’t understand… if not then they should read and educate themselves! So this caused me to sit and write this next note. Not many people know what happened to me and those that do are hand selected and are told at the appropriate times. I find writing helps, not a daily journal, but just venting at the moment... This is my invisible scars:
Life it starts and ends with very fragile bodies. There are tears of joy and sadness, but it is what happens between everything that matters. Some people have lives filled with large families and network of friends, while others chose a different path. Or do they? Some it is chosen for them! Some people say that they don’t lie nor do they keep secrets, but I think we all know someone that usually has both. I am not one to sit and talk very much. In my own comfort, I will speak my mine freely. Some say that blood creates a bond, while others say it doesn’t matter one bit. I have been hurt and helped in my life by both statements. Some might question how I would say some situation in life has helped, but my honest opinion is that I would not know what to do if things were different. Each step in life has made me who I am. Sometimes I would rather have had more options, but survival at the present time is usually what choice is taken, the only choice. Some I am glad I took, while those that were risky and I chose to do and my expectations were extremely let down. We can make choices, take chances, forgive some, while others that is never the option. I don’t need someone telling me what has worked for him or her or made them happy in life. Last time I checked I didn’t have a conjoined twin. There are people that know my story and there are people that never will. What works for one person doesn’t always work for others, so I chose to deal with things the best way that I can. I can be moody and temperamental in some situations, but usually I try to avoid confrontation and will stand my ground and support my decisions and actions. Being able to stand up for ones self and confront those that question me is a right that I have, and I usually stand for those that I believe in whole hearted! IF I didn’t, I would only be letting myself down and those around me who think they know me and what I stand for. I will not take excuses for actions, just as I expect no sympathy for my own. Those actions of others sometimes leave invisible scars, just because they are not seen, doesn’t mean one can’t look into a mirror and see them. One can learn a lot about one's self by facing yourself. My wealth and materialistic things I own or want are not necessarily the best, but it will allow me to enjoy my hobbies. If we are suppose to do something each day to help people, I have failed, If we are suppose to trust those that are close to us, I have failed. Who are we trying to impress? What for? I am only trying to do what is right and correct at the present time. Doing what is right, helping others, accepting help(work in progress), and being helpful to those they might be given a more difficult deal in life, is what I try to live by each and everyday. I may never step foot in a church again, I may never read the bible again, just as each of you have your choices in life. Don’t tell me what I need, this way of life or these actions that will make me happy. I am my own person, you don’t see my invisible scars.