healingoddess_375

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About healingoddess_375

  • Birthday 03/25/1975

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    colorado USA
  • Interests
    warm rainy days, outdoor photography, and tea parties with my kids. these are all things that help me feel alive. and if i'm alive then it is a ggod day.
  1. last month I started having flashbacks again. it is a very specific incident... one of the few I remember clearly. The trigger was a set of choices I was given over my schooling... not something that I was expecting to be a trigger. So I was completely thrown for a loop when the flashbacks and accompanying rage came up. Tonight my partner accused me of shutting him out... which to be fair I have been doing. It hurt so badly I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone... though I have done some work on it with my counselor. But any time I am not in her office I let it sit on the back burner and avoid the entire subject. I was afraid that the rage and hurt would spill on to my partner and ruin what we have. so tonight when he accused me of shutting him out I couldn't deny that I have been shutting him out... something that has caused him great pain. I was so afraid of hurting him that I hurt him, though in a very different way than I was thinking of. I sat down to do some journaling and in the course of the journaling I realized that the feelings that were coming up in the flashback where feelings that I am all too familiar with. I won't go into the details of the incident, but that night I prayed for god to help me, to find a way out for me. there was no rescue... that night or any other. but I took it as a sign that God hated me, that I didn't deserve love, or mercy, and that I didn't deserve god's attention. I felt alone and abandoned. I felt broken and dirty in a way that years of abuse had never made me feel before. so when the flashbacks came and the feelings resurfaced, and when the injustice of it all hit me... I put up those walls and hugged those all to familiar feelings around myself. I shut out my partner so I could concentrate on feeling unworthy, unlovable, and alone. Not feelings I actually want to feel... but so familiar that in a perverse kind of way they are comforting. I know who I am when I feel that way... as opposed to this life I have now where I can't always identify who I am or how I feel. truth is I know who I want to be in this new life I'm building... I want to be courageous and strong, I want to be worthy of love and intimacy, I want to feel like I can take on the world and be accepted as a good woman. I want to feel like I'm worth his love... and I want to be a woman who does not question that my creator will show up for me, and have my back, and that I am worth having a relationship with my creator. And I want to feel whole and healthy. Is that too much to ask?
  2. Choices... triggers... and forgiveness

    possible :trigger:/> read with caution. I'm a mess today. have been for the last week. I found out that my master's program is being canceled. it leaves me with two choices... transfer to a school 50 miles away, or wait until September. Both choices are less then optimal for various reason. on one hand is the length of the drive, on the other is the risk to my financial aide. I'm choosing the lesser evil... and that is a trigger. there were so many times that I had a choice of evils during my childhood and the only question was which one would hurt less... so while the current situation has no resemblance to the past the emotions triggered by once again having to choose which is less painful brought up emotions that I was not prepared for. it brought up memories that I thought I had laid to rest... and in one aspect I did... but from this perspective I haven't. before when I dealt with this particular set of memories I only looked at the part that was coming up at the time... I never explored any farther because I didn't want to see what else was there. or maybe I wasn't capable of seeing what else was there. I don't know. all I know is I spent over an hour crying on my partner's shoulders while he rocked me and held me. he asked me when I was going to forgive myself. I'm not sure I know what forgiveness is. I sometimes think I know what it isn't... but I have no idea what to forgive someone, anyone, including myself, actually feels like... or how to do it. I know how to hold a grudge, I know how to be accountable... I even kinda know how to let go of things that I don't have to be accountable for... but to forgive? I don't know what that even means. and it doesn't seem to be something that I can find in a book. right now forgiveness is just a word. Its weird... I have gotten to the point in my healing that I can speak about the past... especially if it helps someone else, as a general rule it still affects me but it doesn't bring up that INTENSE pain that it used to, or the anger that it used to. As a general rule it is just a fact... part of my past but no longer the controlling factor in my life. At least it was until this last week. but over the last week the emotions from the past have been strong, overwhelmingly strong. I have felt like I was coming apart at the seams. It has been years since I have felt like that. Then I realized tonight that my perpetrator/father has been dead 20 years and that over the last month I have been thinking about both the good and the bad. And there was good in him... things that I loved about him. Things that I see in myself... which used to scare me... because if I can see the good of him in me do I also carry the bad? it's part of the feelings that are coming up. because once upon a time... during the worst of the abuse I made choices that both saves my sister and I, while hurting my sister and I at the same time. choices that no human should be forced to make... much less a child. things that I regret deeply... the lesser evil. the feelings of being tainted, of being dirty, stained... tarnished... of being guilty are strong tonight. over thing that happened 25 years ago. things that I'm not sure I wouldn't make the same choices in the same situation again. and that is the part that brings the most guilt. I didn't know HOW wrong the choices were back then... but today I do... and I'm not sure I would choose differently because the greater evil was so much greater. K says that he thinks I made the right choice for the right reason given the choices I had available at the time. which is exactly what he said about the current set of choices concerning school. the part that hurts the most is that there was NO GOOD CHOICE. there was only bad or worse. which is exactly the choices left to me about school right now. it shattered me to make the choices I had to make as a child... I have spent years picking up the pieces... todays choices brought up all that PAIN and FEAR and BROKENESS. and now I have to deal with it or lose the progress I have made. I'm grateful I have someone willing to hold me while I walk through this... it's just a tiny bit less scary.
  3. when courage fails...

    I was on here earlier, ranting and venting, about my partner. how he just doesn't understand. whether he understands or not is outside of my control... the truth is i'm scared. My courage has failed... i don't mean that literally... i mean i forgot the first rule of courage... that it is ok to be scared. I lost my job in December. we went from being a two income household to a one income household... and then his hours got cut. We have trimmed and toned our budget so that there is no "fat" everything that we have left in it is sheer necessity and we are still spending more than we make... by a whopping 88 dollars. we are less than a hundered dollars from flush... but there is no more give to the budget. every month something doesn't get paid. (currently we are rotating between the internet bill -- which we need for our schooling and the electirc bill). the stress has been incredible And both of us have been doing this dance... it will all be alright. I honestly believe that... i know it will be... and that eventually something positive will happen to get us out of this. eventually i will find a job. and eventually his hours will go up. but everyday we put on this brave face.... we suck up our courage and do what needs to be done. i ran out of courage today. i don't want to pretend it's all ok when right now it is not fucking ok. I spent years "pretending" it was all ok. Yeah that was covering up the abuse... and the drugs and the booze... but pretending is pretending... and today i checked out because i got tired of pretending. the thing is there is a fine line between pretending and faith. I have faith that everything WILL be ok. I have been pretending that everything IS still ok. it took it's tole on me. i don't know what this means... and what i intend to do about it... but if it does not come from honesty then it is not a good place to be. Right?
  4. >>>TRIGGER WARNING........ I'm kind of jumping in the middle here or maybe starting a new thread... i don't know. I just know that my father was my perpetrator and a minister in our church... he used the bible and the ideas of submissiveness and obediance to manipulate, control and silence us. Over the years i have walked away from that church and found a new spiritual path... one that most days i can connect with and gain comfort from. Recently though i started a new set of steps (12 step work... i'm an addict with 2 and a half years clean.) And working the steps on spirituality has brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts about the connection beteen the abuse and my persception of "god" Today i follow a native american path and so usually speak of creator wheni speak of my personal connection... to me god is a judgemental, vindictive being that hated me. I fired him. But i still struggle with the gap between this Creator and god. I can't deny the idea that a god by any other name is still god... I have good evidence to state that the creator i talk to now has and continues to help me in my life... i look at getting clean as a miracle in my life... and I know for a fact it wasn't something that i simply decided to do and then did it... i had acknowledge the struggle with my addiction for months before i could get clean. One night i got so mad at god... creator... what's it's name... that i yelled at him... for hours. I heard at the end of the "conversation" "i'm sorry you were hurt" I went to sleep, for the first time in ages slept peacefully and wheni work up for the first time in years... i didn't use. the drugs and the booze stayed on my nightstand for three days before i even noticed they were there! So the had to be a devine intervention somewhere because i didn't want to use... through the DT's and detox process i didn't want to use!!! On the other side of the coin i have the "evidence" that god hated me. Until that night the last true prayer i had said was at 13, when i asked god not to let be be raped that night and not to make me watch as my sister was raped. I was raised in the church that said if your faith is strong and if it gods will then all things are possible.... this should have been possible... If god loved me he could do miracles. when i was raped anyway i knew that god must hate me... and i could understand that (based on the other lies i was told about being a sinner and evil and worthless) but what i couldn't understand was why god hated my sister so much. (I believe it was in that moment my addiction was born... if god hated me then it didn't matter what i did and why should i care as long as it made me feel better). So whati can't reconcile is why a loving creator... and i do believe that the creator in and of my life is a loving being... then why would a loving creator allow something so awful to happen to a child asking for his help but rescue the adult who really didn't want it in that moment? How can i forgive a god that had no interest in protecting "his children" as i was told all children are? And if creator/god had no power to stop what was happening then how can i trust that power in my life today? I'm working with my counselor to untangle the feelings, the lies, and my own thoughts about spirituality and god... but i could use some input from someone that has walked before me... Cause let go and let god... is not possible for me right now.... and there are things in my life that i am not equipped to handle with out a much bigger presence doing for me what i can't do for myself. if you have any thoughts i would appreciate them. Thanks
  5. I'm proud of you!!! it took me years to realize that i could be soft, vulnerable, and strong all at the same time. It took therapy and a lot help to take down the walls of a lifetime... but if i can do it have confidence that you can. today (at least for today) i believe that i am a loving, lovable, beautiful woman that deserves to live my dreams. (my confidence fades from time to time... but today is a good day). Today i am worthy. Today i have value. Today i can accept myself just as i am.
  6. wanting children

    it scares me to admit how much i want children. We very recently started trying to have kids... until a few months ago... the idea would come up occationally but there was always something that wasn't right about it. About a month ago, my boyfriend of two years made an off hand comment about "getting me knocked up" and how beautiful i would look with a pregnant belly. A week later he tried to take it back... and for a while i let him... but it started me thinking seriously about having children for the first time in years. I will be 37 years old in march... and the feelings that he stirred up refused to go away. About holding my own child, about watching them grow, feeling life grow within me, the fears of what kind of parent would i be, and can i carry full-term, can i even get pregnant... all those thoughts passed through. Financially i am not in a place that i can afford a child... but then who really is? on the other hand... i am emotionally ready... not a place i have been before. The biggest difference is that for the first time in my life i feel like i have something to give to a child... for most of my life i was under the impression that i was worthless, and unacceptable. Turns out that's not true!!! I have value... wheni was a kid i dreamed of having children so that there would be someone in my life that loved me... now wheni dream of having kids its about the love i have to give. I know that it would complicate everything... I am a full-time student working a part time job, and having a child would most likely mean slowing down in the persuit of my master's degree... but i'm no longer willing to put one dream on hold to persue the other... i have enough of me (i hope) to have both dreams. i have a ton of considerations about getting pregnant... can i get pregnant? we have been together two years and whiole most of the time we were careful... but not always... i can't take hormonal based birth control so diaphrams and condoms are the contraceptives of choice... and in the spur of the moment didn't always happen. If i get pregnant can i carry full term? there is a specific genetic defect that has caused both my sister and sister-in-law to have stillborns at 24+ weeks. Can i have a healthy baby? I did the well-women's check and i am healthy as i can be at my age, though overwieght. I would be considered a high risk pregnancy from the moment of conception. My boyfriend and i have talked about all of this... and about what i would expect from him... what he expects from himself... his reservations... he's a bit older than i am... and the big one is will he be around to see a child grow up? he's a man of honor and integirty so no matter what happens between us he would never l want to leave a young child without a father. which i had to be honest... that is part of the reason i want children now... both grandmothers died in their early 60's if i wait i may not be there to watch them grow up either. My mom is 60 this year and not in great shape either. my concern is that by admitting how strongly the desire is i have forced his hand. i love him and that doesn't change... but i would have looked into Artificial means of getting pregnant that would not involve him being the father... i told him they could call him grandpa if they wanted but i still wanted him in my life even if it meant just as friends. I'm not sure that he doesn't still have reservations... and the one thing i don't want is to make him feel as if i am pressuring him... i would break off the relationship before i forced him to do something he didn't want to do... but he assures me that the more he thinks about it and how much it means to me and where i'm at I'm at in my life the more he likes the idea of getting me "knocked up" i guess my real concern is how much of his decision was made to please me? It's a question i have asked... and the answer i got was "with love comes some obligations... i am willing to do anything in my power to further your happiness without hurting my own." but i worry about him coming to apoint where he resents me for a decision that seems to have been made to please me. I guess i'm just not seeing why he would make a choice to have a child with such strong reservations if it isn't to please me? I'm not asking for advice because these are questions i need to ask him... and i will because the true value in our realtionship is i can be honest with him and i trust him to be honest with me... i have a good man in my life. (i am feeling truly blessed that i can share the intimacy of honesty with him... honesty is the one thing i value over anything else).
  7. Dear Seanna, It is an unfortunate fact that it takess as long as it takes. What most people don't understand... even the ones that want to be there for us is that the entire problem is that we CAN"T forget and we can't just let go and move on until it is resolved. There are times when it consumes and times when it doesn't and sometimes it feels as if we have no control over them. Sometimes we don't. That is part of the PTSD. It is also true that even those that want to be there for us can't always be... and the amount of pain that we sometimes ask them to hear can be overwhelming. What we have had gone through is painful, for us, and for those that have to live with us sometimes too. Just like we sometimes need a break (even if we are not given one) so do our partners. I'm walking through some stuff with my "family" right now that is painful and traumatic (for me) that is triggering all kinds of stuff. It is also affecting my best friend and lover... and quite frankly sometimes i get tired of talking about it, and i get equally tired of him talking about it... sometimes we just need a break. A check out from reality and pain. It's ok to take them too... that is what i am learning.
  8. when is it my turn?

    I'm coming to terms with the idea that i have to move... i am still in resistance to it... i don't want to... i really don't want to. I hate the whole idea. i also hate the fact that it is December and freezing cold and and not likely to warm up anytime soon. It is a miserable time of year to have to move. I only have one day off after i sign the lease on wednesday to get the big things moved... like the bed, dressers, and bookshelves. I work retail and second shift so this is the busy time of year i have three days off in the next three weeks, including the one that i am moving on... and two papers and a presentation to do for school too. I could do all the "if she had" or "if i just" shit... but the reality is that she didn't and i can't change that... and the longer it takes for me to get out of here the harder she fuckin' pushes at me which triggers me more and more. I hate this. I hate all of it. most of all what i hate is that it wasn't my choice. I keep trying to find some enthusiasm, a shred of excitement for this, anything that feels hopeful... and thus far i have nothing. i'm leaving a home that until last month was warm and accepting and full of love for a place that is cold and empty and alone. I keep thinking that if i can just hold on here long enough she'll change her mind... she'll love me again. It is as much wishful thinking as any of the thoughts i had as a kid... If i just stay still it won't hurt... if i just behave he won't... if i just......... this entire process has been a trigger from beginning to end... i'm doing everything "right" taking care of all the details, the action stuff, the necessary things... but my emotions are all over the place. i can feel the depression squeezing me... wringing me out... and i stop say a prayer and do what needs to be done... just like i did as a kid. I did what needed to be done because that was to only thing i could do... and i hated it then and i hate it now. i want to be ok with this... i want to feel excited... i want to feel as if i can handle this and be ok with myself... i want to be in the place where i am ok... rather than having to go through all this to get there. I hate the "getting there" part. i know that i have no right to expect life to go as i want it to all of the time... i'm not the center of the universe and i'm not god... and when i'm with other people that share that view of themselves... most of the time it is a win/win... right now i'm in a "i lost" situation and it pisses me off. It is a very old, very, very old feeling. and in the back of my head... under all the emotions is the thought of "Do i ever get to win?" When will it be my turn to have all the things that other people have, like a home and a family that loves me? It is still the ideas of the hurt child.... the one that could see others getting love and praise and attention that didn't hurt... but it was never her turn. it wasn't even about deserving it... it was simply just never "her" turn.
  9. bad to worse?

    tonight i'm writing i don't really know what i want to say or where i'm going to go with this... i'm just writing. My family has fallen apart. it has nothing to do with the abuse... nothing to do with the past... and quite frankly nothing to do with me... except... it has everything to do with me. It's my "family." i'm feeling rejected and betrayed, i'm feeling pushed into a place where i don't have options... or at least not acceptable options. I'm feeling hurt and scared and vulnerable (not the good vulnerable where i'm open to letting people in... the other vulnerable where i feel like i have to protect myself or something worse will happen) These are all the feelings that i grew up with... and the connection to family... is a trigger. it is a different situation than i have ever dealt with before... but those feelings are so familiar. they are the thousand ton feelings that i thought i had shed. it all adds up to feeling lost. the short version is that my roommate wants me GONE. As in yesterday... at first it was by the end of January, then it was the end of December... then ten minutes before i needed to leave for work today it was "i need you to be out by the 30th of November" which leaves me all of ten days to find a place, pass the credit check and background check (the background check is not a problem, but the credit check may be), and get the keys. It also only leaves me ten days to get everything packed... find some help for the heavy lifting... and find an acceptable day off to do it in... which will probably mean trading shifts with someone at work. i was never counting on staying here forever... the minute she said she wanted her own space i started looking... ok well not the minute she said it but once i stopped crying i started looking for a place i could afford. The problem is... i have no money. I was just getting to a place where i was finally paying the bills i HAVE... i hadn't started on the savings plan yet. I have only worked this job for 60 days... i have two years of unemployment to make up for. When she told me this in the beginning... i had two months. I could have gotten the resources together in two months.... it would have been hard... but i could have done it. I can't do it ten days. tomorrow i am going to go and explore other options... see what kind of help i can find... so that i can leave. So that i can be out ASAP. I was describing this whole thing to a friend of mine tonight (i have some really good friends... thank god...) anyway i was describing it to him like this: i feel like i'm caught in the rip tide. if i fight it i will exhaust myself and eventually drown... if i go with the flow i will get carried too far away from solid ground and eventually drown... the only hope i have is to try to swim parellel to the shore and pray that i can find a way back to solid ground. i honestly don't know what else to do right now... i was doing the best that i could before she decided on the 30th. i don't have anything else to give. i don't have anything else left. i'm at my breaking point... and i know it. i can feel it... and the kicker is.... there is nothing i can do about it... about any of it except keep on swimming.
  10. trying to take care of me

    i've been sitting here thinking about needs... the difference between needs and wants and while i know what i want... i'm not sure what my needs are. my "family" is breaking apart... the only real family i have ever known... and there is nothing i can do about it... there is nothing i can do that will make it better. I have a lot of fear around it. and everyone i have talked to has told me take care of me... take care of my needs. to put myself first... i'm ok with that (sorta) but it sparked the very simple question what are my needs? i know what i want... i want a home and a family to love and love me. I want to come HOME to warmth and acceptance and the security of knowing that the people i choose to live with have chosen to live with me too. this is not an unreasonable request is it? but is that a NEED? or a luxury? support and love are needs... and i have real friends that love me and suppport me... and push me to be my best... sometimes painfully... because occationally the truth is a painful pill to swallow... but it's coming from love... so i value it for what it is. So is living with a family actually a need? (the part of me that is still eight years old... and had never experienced it before this year is screaming YES IT IS!!!) Tonight the friend that i was talking to told me that yes i deserve to have that in my life... but maybe it is not supposed to be THIS family arrangement. This is of course not what i want to hear... no do i want to hear that perhaps i deserve better than i am giving myself permission to have... I love what i had... and they love me... but love is not always enough to keep a family together... especially when the other person is not willing to work to keep it together. I keep coming to the question of (actually i don't even know how to phrase the question...) but it has just occured to me that i have never "left" home before. i have moved out of my parent's house... and later my grandfather's... i have moved out of roommate's houses... and out of apartmetns that i lived in by myself... but i have never moved out of my HOME before. I used to hear coworkers talk about being homesick... of missing the feelings of HOME... and i never got why. I moved out as soon as i could... and i was happy to do it... i lived on my own for for 6 years before i moved in with my grandfather (broken ankles tend to get in the way of paying rent). I lived another 3 years on my own after that... before addiction and stupidity forced me out of the apartment into my mom's for two years. I moved in here because i couldn't take living with my mom anymore... i was clean and sober just celebrating my first year clean when i moved in as a roommate. Roommate was all i was expecting... but it was so much more, i became family... both in their eyes and mine... and for the first time in my life i understood what it was like to come HOME. Now because of STUFF... i'm being asked ot move out (so is her husband and son) and it feels like leaving home. when i moved out of mom's the first time i didn't hear from her for months unless i called her... and it dawned on me that is part of the fear... that once i leave here... the love will disappear like my mom did. that leaving HOME will mean the end of the relationship. This time it is not an eight year old fear... it is a fear of my adult self. (i think).
  11. i celebrated two years clean in july... i have told my mother many times i was in recovery... that i was clean and sober... her response has always been ok... didn't know you needed it. Last month she finally admitted that drug abuse ran in the family... though she still won't acknowledge that i'm in recovery. Congrats on a year... that is huge... and i know that you don't know me... but i'm proud of you. Each day is a miracle... which means you are a miracle for that day.
  12. i will not call you stuck... stuck is a temporary situation... and you are not temporary... you are real and you do deserve to overcome. Notice i didn't say you deserve to be better... because i believe that we are all being the best person that we know how to be at any given moment... i may not be as "good" as i think i should be sometimes... but i'm still the best that i can be at that moment... and i am allowed to fail sometimes. I'm allowed to be human and to hurt and to cry and hell even shout at shit if i need to. i am allowed to break my toys today if i damn well want to. do you know the difference between hoping and wishing? Hope is based in posibility of coming true. I can wish all i want that none of this had ever happened... but there isn't a chance in hell that will come true. I can wish all i want that i was a normal woman... that i wasn't a survivor, that i hadn't turned to drugs to cope, that i never had PTSD, that i was just perfectly normal... but deep down where it counts i will always know that my father abused me for years, that i am an addict in recovery, and that i will never be simply normal. the thing is... the thing that hurt me the worst out of all the crap that i did to myself... was when i gave up. when i stopped trying, wheni said the hell with this... the hell with life... the hell with recovering... the hell with pain and anger and DEALING... the hell with improving or even trying to improve. the hell with hope... I nearly ended it all... i came very close to killing myself... do you know why i didn't? because "i would probably screw this up too" that is a hopeless place to be. it wasn't until months later that something gave me back hope. it was the worst kind of hurt and pain when i gave up... hold on a little longer and know that i am right there hanging on with you...
  13. it's fear plain and simple

    today has been a hard day for me... i have been living (and paying rent) with a couple for almost a year... my best friend and his wife. Today she informed me that she wants me out... furthermore she wants him out and she's probably moving too. the reasons behind it don't have anything to do with me... they have to do with money and her issues with him, and anyways the reasons aren't really important. It sparked a huge fear in me tonight... one that i didn't realize was even really there. When i moved in with them it was the first stable home i have ever known... i'm 36 years old and had never had a stable home before this year... i didn't know how wonderful it was to come home and have someone be happy to see you, to live with people that care about you not because of what you can give them... but because they love you, to live with someone that i wasn't scared to be myself around... ever. To live with people that i felt safe and secure around... even when i was stressed out and overwhelmed because of other things. I had never known any of that. when she was talking today... this huge fear of being cast out was set off inside me. I know that no matter what they still love me... or at least he still does. But i'm terrified tonight. it sounds just like the little girls voice "who's going to love me now?" "who's going to be my family now?" It is the emotional fears of not belonging again that terrify me. i finally know what it's like to have a home... and a family that loves me... and all the things that i ached for as a kid... safety, security, love, acceptance... and i'm terrified of going back out there without that to come home to. when i left my biological home, my mom's house, i was never so happy to be out of some place in my life. months went by without a conversation with her... the lowest point in my drug using was the realization that i had lost it all and had to move back in with my mom. living with her more than anything else was enough to get me to my bottom. i left her house at little over a year clean... when it became too dangerous for me to continue to stay there... and i moved in here. i found an oasis... my salvation in a very lonely dessert of life. Like i said i had never been loved before... and i has especially never been loved unconditionally. the rational part of me isn't thinking straight... the best it can come up with is i hope that they won't stop loving me... the irrational fearful part is sure that they don't love me and never will again. it's a very childish voice that is so scared of not being loved... i know that. i also know that there is this voice telling me that if i just loved myself a little more i wouldn't be so scared... but in all honesty tonight i'm not sure HOW. I'm not sure what i need to DO. I'm not sure how to soothe that voice... to tell her that she's not really alone... that i will take care of us... because right now the grown up emotional part of me is hurting too. i'm hurt that i'm losing my home... i'm hurt about how and why it's happening, i'm hurt that she is breaking up the family without any imput from anyone else... no negotiation... no chance to work on it... but because she needs time to figure out what she wants in life... she just knows that its not us in her life right now. I'm hurt that it does feel like a dismissal... that it feels like she's putting her needs above everyone else... but at the same time... if she's not happy and she's clearly not happy... then perhaps it is the only solution for her. the adult rational part of me is hurt... but understanding that she is giving me the time to find a place and get settled... i'm not just going to be cast out on the street... or wind up back at my mother's place. the rational part is telling me she's not doing this to hurt me... the problem is the fear and the little girl's voice doesn't care about any of that... all she cares about is/ all i care about is that awful feeling of coming home to a place without warmth and love. i'm not sure i could take it again... at least not for long.
  14. First you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what was right and shame on the authorities for not listening. shame on your family for calling you a liar. You have the truth on your side... whether people listen to it or not the truth stays the same. It is natural to have doubts about yourself and what you feel, what you think, and where you are going next. It is natural and understandable and it does not discount what you have to say even when others have. I couldn't trust myself for the longest time... but i could trust the truth, what happened to me is what happened to me and even my own doubts and the doubts of others couldn't change that as much as they seemed to want to try. Just know that you are not alone and that your voice was heard loud and clear tonight. good luck and you are not alone.
  15. How can i feel like i deserve success?

    It occured to me today that i have come a very long way. I am no longer the irrational, neurotic mess that i was just a few years ago. Last night my best friends and roomamtes both mentioned to word stable and me in the same sentence. they both congratulated me on the stability i seem to have. So last night i couldn't sleep!!! I'm at a crossroads right now where i am looking at two possibilities 1) continue to hold on to everything that i have known... the feelings of unworthiness, the anger, the fears, to cling to my story because it has been the only part of me that came out of my childhood OR 2) let go and face the unknown without excuses, without my "story" without the shame and heartache, to move on and move past and become someone different than i ever expected to be. I don't want to hold on and i'm scared to let go. I am familiar with who i am when i cling to the story... i don't always like the person looking back from the mirror... but at least i know how i will react to things and why. I don't know this other person, the one that is healthy and sane, the one that doesn't use the life she led as an excuse for why she failed today. Or let it stand in her way of success. I don't know how to become that girl. I'm no longer the shattered wreck that i used to be. I go through whole weeks sometimes months without thinking about how i was a victim. I no longer obsess over the feelings from the past... I have enough to handle in my everyday life. I lead an everyday life!!! which for me is a huge change. But every couple of months i do something that sabotages everything that i have built and i don't know why. Why can't i step into being a success? I have lived with being a failure most of my life, i know how to be that person, I don't know how to be a success... even though i actually want to be a success today. how do i over come that fear? how can i stop sabotaging myself?