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About Sammi

  • Birthday 03/10/1992

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  1. Without Pandys, I would still be keeping my past a secret and possibly still have to interact with one of the people who hurt me.
  2. Vent

    When I was younger, I was molested by *****. And I don't know who to talk to about this. I told a past counselor about it, but after that session she discovered she had a brain tumor and had to leave for treatment. I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with her, like I could get better, and I was. But I can't talk to my current counselors like that. I have two because I go back and forth between school and home, which are in different cities. The one that I will continue to see I'm more comfortable with, but it's still hard. I mean after having told my old counselor and not being about to follow up with her on how telling affected me, I feel restless and afraid to say it again. I'm tired of feeling like crap over this. This isn't the only time something like this has happened to me, but it's the one that I'm most ashamed about. It's the one that makes me feel the most dirty. Sometimes I can't breathe, I just want to extract myself from this damned body. You see, telling totally messed me up. I was fine for a while after the session, and even during the session, but once it sank in, my whole world came crumbling down. And I still can't seem to fix it.
  3. su attempt

    Sometimes I wish I didn't stop myself from taking more pills. . . I can't handle this anymore. I know that's not the right way to go, but I don't know what to do. I know I felt incredibly stupid after my attempt in September, but the thoughts just won't leave my mind.
  4. Is it possible to change it? Every time I log in to anything I see that "gummybubble", and I don't want to be reminded of my past here. I know with some things I'm stuck with it, but I'd like (if at all possible) to change it here.
  5. The Fear of Happiness

    I crave the day where I am finally completely and totally happy, yet it scares me. I don't want to continue on like this forever, but this is where I'm comfortable. This is where I've spent the last I don't even know how many years. Once I cross that line, what happens then? Everything I've done, everything that has happened, everything that I have overcome, does that all go to waist? Is it all forgotten? All this suffering, all this pain... what is it? What's the purpose, and why do I feel like I have to go back to it after being happy for even a little? I don't know if this makes any sense...
  6. It all just hit me

    A year ago I was a total mess. I nearly took my own life due to my past. I was staying up every night listening to my niece's dad's problems, just for him to then betray my trust as soon as the lights went out. But also a year ago I had the most confidence in myself than I have had in a while and I was so sure that I was going to achieve what I wanted and do big things my final year in high school. That turned out to be partially true, even though I got off to a rough start. Now here I am about to leave to go to my dream college. Here I am totally stepping outside my comfort zone. But who am I? The thought that I'm 18 now and about to be a college freshman is scary. I have more responsibility to make sure I don't end up in another bad situation. I can't even imagine myself EVER getting into another relationship with anybody again. I don't think I can give that amount of trust away any more. A week ago one of my old friends that I haven't talked to since the 8th grade died. She died. I really can't believe that right now. And another one of my friends that I haven't really had a good talk with since Sophomore year up until now is wishing she could. I myself could have been a year dead already. It's too crazy. I can't wrap my mind around this. A year ago I was allowing some guy to hurt me, when I already knew it was wrong that time, where as when I was 11 it felt wrong, but that guy was an adult I think... I don't know, but definitely at an age where I would respect him and believe that he wouldn't do wrong things because grown people weren't supposed to do bad things. Well, I know better than to believe that. My fried that died, I don't know what to say. I honestly think that she might have done it on purpose. Either way it's hard to think that someone we once cared about is gone forever, but I don't know which is worse: accidentally dying of overdosing on illegal drugs- meaning she was a druggie and still obviously had issues with herself/ her life, or purposely overdosing because of those same issues... I was looking at a picture I have of her the other day, and she didn't look happy. Beautiful, strong, smart, but not happy. What the heck happened to her in the years since our friendship ended? What happened in the years our friendship was still alive? I just feel like there's more I could have done for her. The same image keeps playing in my head. We're at another friend's-one I also no longer talk to- birthday party, I think it was her quinceanera, and she accidentally bumps into another girl, knocking her into the pool fully dressed. I'm off doing something stupid with a few other girls when I hear about it. When we get back to where the party was the girl who fell into the pool has her on her hand and knees, and she's sobbing. Everyone has their camera or cell phone out, including the girls I was with, and I do nothing. I just stand there and do nothing. After it's all over I give her a hug, but I did nothing. Maybe I did ask for what happened. Maybe what all I accomplish is all a lie. Did I really deserve to make the Hall of Fame at my school? Was it even right of me to say anything about what was happening? I mean, wasn't I leading him on? I did stay up every night with him. I did joke with him. I may have even flirted with him once. It still hurts though. The simplist tasks remind me of either the time when I was 11 or the time just a year ago. Putting the cap back on a marker pulling back and forth on a string to rock my niece to sleep as she lays in her bouncer. Brushing my tounge. Just anything. I just don't know... and maybe this is only a today thing because I was doing so good, but I don't know... sorry for the rant if you were even able to read and follow...
  7. Lost..

    I don't know, I've been feeling really weak lately, and feeling really alone. There isn't really anyone I can talk to. Sure there are people who know, but I don't want to talk to them about it. It would be too uncomfortable for me to do so. But I desparatly need someone. When I told my mom back in April I was hoping to get some kind of help with this, but I have recieved none, less even. I don't sleep well at night and I often find myself wishing I were dead. I just don't know what to do at this point....
  8. worthless

    I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. I can never do anything right anymore! I'm at risk of failing 2 classes this year, which is killing me because I used to take such pride in having good grades; being the "smart" one. Now I'm a nothing. I don't deserve the people in my life who have stuck by my side. I don't deserve all the help and support my sophmore english teacher is giving me. I don't really think I deserve seeking help on this site. And it's taking everything out of me to post this. I guess that's why it's in a blog, so that not as many people read it if any at all. I can't even post things properly! What the heck is wrong with me!? I asked one of my friends if I could talk to her about some stuff, and I fell asleep before she was able to get onto myspace because we were unable to talk earlier since she had previous plans and I didn't want to be a burden and join her when she offered. Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe my ever saying anything about what happened to me was wrong and I really shouldn't continue getting help from others.... I don't know if any of that made any sence..
  9. I feel so worthless...

    Like nothing I ever do any more turns out right. I make a plan and I can't even follow it even a little! My grades are dropping Just everything is falling apart right under my feet! As of this momment I am standing on a 3 inch tile of what's left of my sanity above the world of nothingness, balancing on one foot with a baot load of crap on my sholders that weights 5 times more than I do. Call me a drama Queen, but that is how I feel right now. My paranoia is at extremely high levels I freak out over simple touchs even if I know that person touching me is right there I haven't had that much sleep which is a plus, but I failed at staying awake tonight and doing homework. I fell asleep before I could do anything, I was so tired Why am I in AP corses when I know I can't handle that much stress in my life right now? I want out, but if I do that my parents might start questioning and I can't have that happen... I just need a BIG mini vacation from life from him(although all he is now is a stupid memory) from school from everything. :bawling: :bawling: :gaah: :gaah: