ResilientOne90

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About ResilientOne90

  • Birthday 02/08/1990

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Canada
  1. I couldn't see why not. thats just my personal opinion
  2. meh

    Well today was no better or worse than yesterday. I went to school, came home, had supper, went on computer, did homework and studied. Ughh I can't stop thinking about everything! I've made my first step in what my mind's been telling me what to do. I filled out an application to apply for the online program at CNA--now all I have to do is send it off in the mail. I'm just curious if I would get accepted. If I do get accepted, I still don't really know what I want to do from there. my brain's going to explode. lol
  3. boring day.

    School was prettty boring for the most part, as it usually is. Then I came home and had supper, and now, I'm doing this. lol. I still have so much on my mind, and I probably will for a long time. I obviously have a lot of soul searching to do as to what I really want to do with my life. As of right now the rough sketch of my plan is to apply for an online program to be a Web Site Administrator, graduate from high school and wait to see if I get accepted into the program, and I'll decide everything from there, if it's really what I want. Sure, I'd love to do something with computers. But lately my biggest worry is where I want to live after I leave here. I know two places where I don't want to live and that's this town, and the town my mother lives in. And I'm not even that fond of the fact that I might move to that town 15 mins away. Sometimes I wish I could just get away from it all, there's too much drama around here, within my family especially, my friends are all off with their own problems and they expect me to listen to it 24/7 when theres nothing I can do about the poor choices they make. I don't think I've ever sat down and thought about life this much as what I have in the past couple of months. I keep asking myself the same questions, what would truly make me happy? where would I be happy living? what would I be happy in doing as a career? what do I really want out of life? I have yet to fully answer those questions. I don't know what I want... Right now I'm preparing to send in that application because I really don't know what else I can think of to do. I like computers, maybe it would be a good program. ahh, I am so confuseddd. my mind's telling me to go ahead with this plan of going into this online program, and move to grand falls in my own apartment and get a part time job and manage to get around town on bike or something(haha), but my hearts been telling me something completely different lately. right now I don't know which way to go, which way would make me happiest. what my heart's telling me I can never imagine it happening because I screwed it up, and my fears keep holding me back, I'm like some paranoid freak I swear to god. by the time I figure things out I think my mind will be blown up, lol.
  4. Wow, I REALLY need to update more often.

    So, It's been TWO years since I posted here pretty much! Of course I've been posting around in the forums but just not as often as I used to. I kind of took a break from here for a while. And life's been busy too with school and Pandy's just never really came to mind that much. I feel like my mind's going into OVERLOAD tonight, which is why I'm posting too. I need to get my thoughts out somewhere. I've been thinking about a lot of things. A LOT. Firstly about graduation, I'm still on the honour roll with an 80.1% average and I'm confident about graduating with all passing marks, possibly honours. But, what I'm doing after I get out of school is what's scaring me. Times are apporaching where I need to start getting serious and thinking about where I'm going to live, what I'm going to to about a job/college/career. I have to be out of my aunt and uncles by the end of June. And that's not all..There's also the trouble in the love area. I recently told a woman that I loved her, and what happened? She tells me(for the third time) that she doesn't feel the same way. I've met so many women, and I keep facing this rejection. It's been making me REALLY wonder lately-- have I made a mistake? I know I'm still young but after meeting all of these people and not one thing happened, it just makes me wonder-- is there only one person I'm meant to be with, so much that maybe nature or whatever other forces out there is keeping me from everyone else? Seriously, this is starting to scare me. But the one person that I'm starting to think is the only person I'm meant to be with in this world, is off on her own, doing good in her own life. and I've hurt this person so many times. and I feel like I'm glued to this island. but a fear I have is, will I ever find anything here that will truly make me happy? because I'm still searching, and I know I still have a lot of searching left to do. I always tell myself I will never leave Newfoundland, but what else keeps me here besides family and the few close friends I have? nothing. I'm afraid of change, that's my problem. I'm afraid to face life head on and do things that a lot of other people have to do in life to be happy. and another fear I have-- is the thought of someone taking control of my life. I broke up with this woman because I was afraid of the commitment, I felt like I wasn't ready for the change. This woman wanted me to marry her, start having children with her, and she was willing to take me in and help me the best way she could. And the result of all of this, I ended up hurting her as well as myself by saying I couldn't do it.. My uncle sat down with me about 2 months ago and had a long talk with me about all of this, and I was telling him how I wasn't ready to be married at 20 and start having kids and letting someone take control of everything. He asked me this-- if I were to be with someone, would I be able to grab life by the horns and take control of everything in a relationship? and I said no, I wouldn't be able to handle it. and he told me that there has to be someone in every relationship that needs to take control, otehrwise it would be all hell. And he told me thats exactly what this woman was trying to do, she felt that she needed to take control in order for things to work because I can't do that. This one thing I'm scared of in relationships may be the one thing I need the most, and I'm just too god damn stubborn to see it, I'm blind. Looking back I really wished I would have let go of all of these fears. The fear of leaving home, the fear of someone taking control, the fears of cities and everything else. Maybe I should have given my life to her, maybe it would have been the one thing I needed to get me ahead in life. But now I have to suffer the consequences for my actions. God, I'm talking as if I still love this woman. I'm thinking that maybe I do. And that what people say about you never being able to completely let go of your first love--is maybe true. But it's too late. And I don't know if I could ever break free of this shell that I'm in and face up to life to truly be happy. Well, it's almost 11pm and I got school tomorrow..an entire week's thoughts into one blog entry, wow.
  5. I love this song, it's so uplifting. It's a song that I've been listening to over and over lately, it helps Yolanda Adams-"I Believe" They said you wouldn't make it so far a a And ever since they've said it its been hard But never mind that night'cha had to cry Cause you had never let it go inside You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need so believe And you can never give up You can reach your goals Just talk to your soul and say [Chorus:] I believe I can I believe I will I believe I know my dreams are real I believe I'll stand I believe I'll dance I believe I'll grow real soon and That is what I do believe Your goals are just a thing in your soul aha And you know that your moves will let them show You keep creating pictures in your mind So just believe they will come true in time It will be fine leave all of your cares and stress behind and Just let it go Let the music flow inside against all the pain Just start to believe [Chorus] Never mind what people say Hold your head high and turn away With all my hopes and dreams I will believe Even though it seems it's not for me I won't give up, I'll keep it up Look into the sky I will achieve all my needs I will always believe [Chorus x2]
  6. It's been a long time!

    Hey! Wow, it's been agesss since I came here! I've been doing good, a lot has happened since I last came to Pandy's but everything is good! I've been in Edmonton now for 8 months, I'm still getting used to the city but I love it here! and me and my amazing girlfriend have been together for almost 9 months and still strong as ever! There's been a few times when we were close to breaking up but things worked out... We're getting engaged this summer and I'm really excited about it, but we probably won't get married until later on... She's really been helping me get through all that's happened to me, she's always there to support me no matter what and I love her so much for that.. I guess that's all I can say for now! Take care everyone! Cassondra xo
  7. I'll Pay You To Shoot Him by Megan McCauley ****t****** Hey Father, I want to put you to an end Hey Father, I'm almost over it again Hey Father, You were never my friend Hey Father, I've lost my mind again Officer, what will you do Officier, I'll pay you I'll pay you to shoot him now I will you pay you to take him out I will pay you to shoot him now I'll pay you to blow his brains out Hey Mother, Did he hurt you again? Hey Mother, I want you in it's got to end, Hey Mother, Swallow your pride you know it's true Hey Mother, You know he hurts me too Officer, will you please, I'm begging you, On my knees, I'll pay you to shoot him now I will pay you to take him out I will pay you to shoot him now I will pay you to blow his brains out (my sanity's lost now) To choke him now (the sad times are over) To fuck him up (I've taken control now) To make him drink from the same dried cup. Hey Father, I wanna put you to an end hey father... I will pay you to shoot him now I will you pay you to take him out I will pay you to shoot him now I'll pay you to blow his brains out
  8. haha nevermind...it was just my stupid computer..sorry for the confusion...lol
  9. Hey! lately when I've been browing around these trojan viruses keep popping up when I'm in the forums! I have the Nod32 antivirus system(its apparently a really good antivirus) and it keeps picking up viruses here! I'm not sure if its just a small file infected here somewhere or just my computer going crazy but I don't know what's going on! anyone else getting viruses?
  10. "Scream" by ZOEgirl Does anybody know how I feel? Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome Does anybody care what's going on? Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm For you to see me, I need release Do I have to scream for you to hear me? Do I have to bleed for you to see me? 'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me Do I need to scream? Has anybody seen what's been done? Where was my defense? No one heard my protest The eyes of God were watching me It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released So I can breathe again I'm on my knees I've been marked, set apart But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand Is enough to heal me and make me stand 'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me I don't have to scream for Him to hear me Don't have to bleed for Him to see me 'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me I don't have to scream I don't have to bleed 'Cause I'm clean, He is listening And I don't have to scream "Reason To Live" by ZOEgirl What is the meaning of life? I've asked myself so many times Is there a reason I'm here? I wish someone would make it clear 'Cause I'm living from day to day, feeling so far away Maybe I'm not as sane as I thought Keeping my eyes on You is something I've gotta do Even when I don't feel like it I won't give up, I won't give in I'm ready for my life to start again I won't back down, I'll stand my ground The time is now to show the love I've found I've got a reason to breathe, I've got the freedom to stand The future is mine, I'll give it all I can To break down the walls that hold me in It's my reason to live My reason to wake up every day and bless Your name In the crush of this crazy messed up world Only You have stayed the same I know I have a place here in amazing grace Forever safe, forever sound Time after time I see You are the best in me You're everything I'm chasing after Listen as the walls fall down Hear the nations calling out
  11. in denial a lot im self concious sometimes anti-social
  12. This was said by my mom last year... "What happened to you wasn't really rape, it was just experimenting.." Like wtf? she didn't realize how angry that made me but I never did tell her how angry I was for saying that to me... Cassondra xo
  13. my earliest positive memories... When I was between 3 and 5 me and my cousins would spend a lot of time together which really made me happy, we'd go outside and play with bugs or just stay inside and play power rangers or something like that When I was 9 I met the greatest friend of my life and me and her are still best friends to this very day.. when we were younger we used to spend so much time together.. when my mom and her husband were always fighting she was always there to comfort me when I needed a friend... Cassondra xo
  14. Wow this is an awesome thread! If you were my sister or brother, I'd hold you in my arms and tell you that it's going to be ok. I'd tell you that no matter what happened it was not your fault, and that I love you very much. I would also tell you that you are so very strong and courageous and did not deserve what happend to you. I would be there for you. Cassondra xo
  15. A little less lazy today...

    It's 12 in the afternoon and I'm ACTUALLY dressed!! I don't know how I ever did it because I'm usually EXTREMELY LAZY on Sundays! Sunday is my day to just do whatever I want, but I guess yesterday was considered my Sunday because I'm full of energy today, on SUNDAY!!! LOL!! I'll be having dinner in a couple hours, that'll be soo good lol! Omg... I had the WEIRDEST dream last night... After I woke up I honestly can't BELIEVE I drempt something like this... ***may t*** Ok, my (real) dad came to pick me up one night and asked me if I would like to stay at his house overnight(which NEVER happens i real life) and I was like "sure" so we went to his house. When we got there he had a bathtub filled with water and wanted me to GET IN with him!!!! And I DID!! I ACTUALLY got in the tub with my own FATHER!! and omg.. I dont know if I should evern say what happened next... he asked me to KISS him, and I actually liked it!! Then I ASKED HIM to have sex with me and we DID!!! omg.. after I woke up I felt so disgusted about this dream... Me and my father arent close AT ALL, not ONE bit... I dont even live with him and I dont think he cares that I exist... omg I still can't believe that I drempt something as sick as this.. ***end t*** and that was my dream... I don't know why I dream these things.. I don't even think about my dad... well I don't really have much else to say but that.. you must all think im sick for dreaming like that... Cassondra xo