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About Carleen

  • Rank
    Strong enough to bend
  • Birthday 05/25/1970

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    NSW, Australia
  1. I joined three years ago last month. One thing I have learned....That not matter where we are in our healing there is always someone who has been there before and who can show us that life really does get better.
  2. On the heels of the 1800 Respect helpline launched last year an online counselling service has been set up. 1800 Respect
  3. Thanks hazel_eyes. That makes a huge difference for me. I am a bit particular about having Aussie English on my computer.
  4. Shannon, I just realised it is my browser. I am also using Firefox. You can delete the question if you want. Carleen
  5. I just noticed that my posts now have auto spellcheck (red wavy line underneath possibly mis-spelt words) and while I love it I was wondering if individual members have the capability of either turning it off or perhaps setting it to their own country's version of English? Carleen
  6. When are the lending libraries reopening?
  7. Karma Nirvana Karma Nirvana provide support for victims of honour based abuse and forced marriage. They work throughout the United Kingdom. They do have a helpline but at the moment it is only manned Mon - Fri 9.30am - 5pm.
  8. Karma Nirvana Karma Nirvana provide support for victims of honour based abuse and forced marriage. They work throughout the United Kingdom. They do have a helpline but at the moment it is only manned Mon - Fri 9.30am - 5pm.
  9. Karma Nirvana Karma Nirvana provide support for victims of honour based abuse and forced marriage. They work throughout the United Kingdom. They do have a helpline but at the moment it is only manned Mon - Fri 9.30am - 5pm.
  10. Karma Nirvana Karma Nirvana provide support for victims of honour based abuse and forced marriage. They work throughout the United Kingdom. They do have a helpline but at the moment it is only manned Mon - Fri 9.30am - 5pm.
  11. Over it

    Its funny. I thought that things would get better when we moved. Not so many physical reminders of what my ex did to me. And it was better, for awhile. But now things seem to be making a comeback. My PTSD symptoms have revved right up again, after a couple of months of having basically no impact on my life. Only in some ways now it is worse. I am having nightmares on a regular basis, something I never did before. Well, I assume they're nightmares. As often as not I don't remember what I was dreaming about but wake in a state of high anxiety. And the depression is back, worse than ever. Before I have always function and have wanted to function. But now I just don't care. If it wasn't for the kids I doubt I would even get out of bed most days. The anxiety is back again too. Only now it seems so damn pointless. Silly things, little things, send me over the top. This house has a front patio. At one end is a built in planter box. It is about 1 metre high from the patio side but a bit over 2 on the ground side. It is brick and probably 1 metre square. Anyway, today Gabby climbed onto it as practice for when we finally plant something in it. I freaked out. I was terrified that she was going to get hurt. My fear infected her and she freaked out. Needless to say she got down safely, and I apologised for scaring her, but it was just so bloody stupid. I would have to say I came close to having a panic attack. One thing that is really new is me avoiding pretty much everything that might be even slightly related to what happened to me. I can't bring myself to read much in the way of posts, or to respond. I know that it isn't a requirement of membership here but I would like to think I have something to offer others. But right now I just don't know where it is. And general rape/abuse/trauma reading (books, articles, etc) is out. I start and within a minute or two I have to put it down. That has never happened before. I wish I was seeing my T at the moment. I ran out of free sessions and she wanted me to give it a couple of months to see how I coped. I know I could ring her but I just don't know if all this is enough to justify doing that. Strangely enough I even had a dream where she told me to talk to her but I don't know if that is because I need to or because she was such a support in my life for 18 months or so that I automatically want to reach for that support when things get a little bit rough. I don't know what to do and all this seems so stupid. I have tried posting about stuff in the forums but it just doesn't come out right. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew where to turn to for help.
  12. Just to add my 2 cents worth... My contributing membership was upgraded to a lifetime one but on my main page it still shows as my 1 year one, which is now expired. If I go into the manage you subscriptions thing it shows both the expired 1 year one and my lifetime one.
  13. Living Without Anniversaries

    Being a survivor of Intimate Partner Sexual Violence it occurs to me that, compared to survivors of one-off sexual assults, I do not have an anniversary. Sure, there are dates that mark some assaults that I remember; special occasions such as my birthday or holidays, particularly severe assaults, assaults that were memorable for other reasons. But I don't have just one day of a year where I can say "This is when it happened." I know I am not unique in this situation. Anyone who has suffered ongoing abuse is in the same boat. Anniversaries are made important by society. They are how we mark the passing years. They are sanctioned times to celebrate, to remember, to mourn. We celebrate the years of life with birthdays, of marriage with wedding anniversaries. We celebrate the significant events of Christianity with Christmas and Easter. Other religions have their own celebrations. We also celebrate the years past since the ending of wars. Many anniversaries are times to remember and mourn. We remember the days loved ones died, the days of natural and man made catastrophies, the service to our countries of our armed forces, police and firefighters. And we mourn the losses, of people, of national innocence or identity, of perceived safety and security. Those days, thiose anniversaries, are an acknowledgement of the past and its significance. They are a way of seeing how we, as individuals, families, nations, have survived and, in many cases, prospered, not because of what happened but despite it. It is anniversaries of trauma that are significant to many survivors. It is the day they can look back and see another year has gone. It can be the cause of celebration or mourning, or even both. It is a chance to look back and remember and to see that they have survived. A chance to say "It happened this many years ago and I am still here, still fighting, still surviving." One of the most inspiring thing about Pandy's is the opportunity to see survivors take back their anniversaries and make them a celebration of survival. It doesn't mean that the pain is gone or the trauma is no longer significant, just that the day is now about them instead of what happened to them. But for me, I have no one day to mourn, to remember, or even to take back for myself. After over a decade in an abusive marriage every day of the year has been sullied by abuse. And as events became normalised in my life it was only the truly significant ones that still stand out. The rest are a blur, an amalgamation of assaults, a compilation of common events. I feel I am left with only the significant ones to remember and mourn. And there is a real grief about that. Each assault was significant, regardless of how normal it was at the time. Each one had an effect on me, an effect that compounded with each occurence. I find I need to grieve each one, to remember and to finally take back some power for myself over the memory and the trauma. Part of recovery from trauma requires rememberance and mourning. But with so many events of such a similar nature over so many years I no longer know how to remember each one. I do not know the answer to the conundrum of rememberance and mourning for ongoing abuse. What I do know is that, with work, I will one day be able to take back not just individual days of the year but the whole year, and, eventually, my whole life. I am not what happened to me but I am and always will be effected by it.
  14. Just sick of it

    It's official. I'm over it. Not that IT. Just the whole package. I'm sick of how it effects me every day of my life. I would like to have just one day when I didn't jump at noises, where I could let my kids snuggle up to me until they wanted to get up instead of me saying enough, where what happened to me didn't resonate through my whole being. I just want one day of being normal. I know all this is still very new really. I know that healing is a journey. But I really am just sick of it. I am sick of reminding myself that there is no just getting over it, I have to work my way through it. The whole thing is I never know if what I am doing is making even the tiniest bit of difference. I do know I am making progress, I can feel it. But it just isn't enough. Most of all I am just so damn sick of myself. I am sick of having to remind myself that the world won't end if I don't study for ten hours a day, keep the house perfect and do a thousand things for a hundred people. The only people I have to worry about are me and the kids but sometimes that is even too much. I am sick of the tiny nagging voice that tells me I have to do more, be more. The voice is quieter than it was before but it is still there. This is totally pointless and I have no idea why I even bothered.