Gwynna

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    188
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About Gwynna

  • Rank
    my wings are healing

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    the Isle of Avalon
  • Interests
    reading books about strong women,poetry, being with my animals, being in nature, writing, doing artwork to express myself, walking in the snow, jumping in puddles
  1. I see that you are on the road to holding yourself with gentleness and compassion. This is so important.
  2. You have quite a big heart to have so much compassion. Your poem moved me. Your little girl is a precious gift to this world, as are you.
  3. I wish that for you too. I send you cyber hugs, if you want them.
  4. So she hides. Really she was caged up. Put into a terrible cage by evil parents. They tricked her into believeing that she belonged there. She has stayed there all these 40 some years. I am the one who is supposed to let her out, but, she is waiting for mom or dad. Mom and dad are gone. The heroine has to be me. This is so hard.
  5. Thank you for reading my post!!
  6. This reminds of a song by Leonard Cohen. So much of his music takes my breath away, in the sense that it gets me in the stomach. I really feel, deep down, all the way to me toes. Not the shallow breathing that the abuse taught. Music often allows me to inhabit my body, if only for a few moments. And, this is what I must learn to do because I need to lose weight. And, I don't want this to be one more punitive exercise. One more reason to hate myself.......I let myself get overweight, big, fat, ugly...all those self berating statements slam me in the head. These are familiar. I have been living with this negativity since I was a child. I took in every negative thing that my parents said about me and I made it my own. It is time to cast them out. The voices, the parents from my head. I need this miracle to happen. I know that it is not a one time, take this pill and it is all over type of thing. Although, I have to admit, I wish it was. I am tired of fighting and going to counselling, doing expressive art etc. I am just damn tired. But, I want to be healthy. I deserve to have a body that is happy and free. And, if I can only say this once, here, anonymously...I just want to tell my body thank you for surviving all the abuse....the sexual, physical and even the emotional. Yes, my mind shattered into many different people. But, I am proud of all of us. I am proud of the fact that we survived. The body is in its forties and it is still working! I still have eyes and hands and two legs that can carry me around. I can still feel the softness of my cat as I cradle him in my arms. yes, there is so much loss. But, I am no longer waiting for the miracle. I am going to make it happen.
  7. Ijust wanted to say that I care. My brother abused me from about 4 years old on. I think you are very strong. I have read several of your older posts...some about the letters you received. You are more than the abuse.You are more than all of it. I often refer to myself as a misfit toy, so, I did laugh a little at that. I live on that island too, so, you are no longer alone. Gwynna
  8. You did help someone else. I read your article about nonlinear healing. It is exquisite and beautiful. I have been drawn to many of your entries. Not sure why I started reading them. I was also raped by my brother for many years. I never confronted him or my other family members that hurt me. You are very brave. Gwynna
  9. This all sounds hauntingly familiar to me too. It is brave that you wrote it.
  10. Without Pandy's I would be much more isolated.
  11. I felt the wind

    When loss is so near, and so heavy, I have a tendency to dissociate. If left to my own devices, I could just float off the planet There are times that I do what I call, scheduled dissociation........but, today, I just wanted to say that I stayed grounded even though I was in physical and emotional pain. The loss of my soul dog has been so hard for me and many of my people inside. My dog and I would sit outside and both of us would turn our faces to the wind. His nose would be taking in the scents and I would just try to feel the wind on my skin. I could pet him and stay in this reality and not get sent back into a traumatic memory that has been etched into my cells. It is hard without him. I have to do these things on my own now. But, today, I also wrote in my journal, made a collage, played with paints and pastels! I am so proud that I am taking care of my collective this way, instead of turning to more destructive and familiar ways of handling pain. I shall be free of the ritual abuse..........one day at a time.
  12. I shall be the phoenix that rises from the ashes. I surround myself with artwork that is hopeful....strong women, mystical women, women who rise from the ashes. I am touched by life. There is so much joy and so much sorrow. Part of my support system was my dog. A loving, sensitive and gentle friend for me and all of my people inside. Only a week ago, he collapsed. Just a few days ago, I helped him cross over to a place where this is no more pain. He had bone cancer and it came on quickly. It is hard for me to let my animals go, but, they always tell me when it is time. I just didn't want it to be now. He was so sweet. He always listened. He always loved. He was the kind and gentle presence I never had as a child. He loved me no matter what. He loved me if I was grumpy, happy, weighing more than I wanted to.............I will miss him, though I feel his spirit near.