raainwitch

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About raainwitch

  • Rank
    Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light!
  • Birthday 09/20/1976

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Oregon
  1. oh man I'm so sorry. Big hugs.
  2. Yeah, I still can't log in on my phone. I don't know what's going on. I don't have a smart phone, but I've been able to log in to pandy's from this phone before, so I don't know what the issue is. :-(
  3. I can't sign in for some reason, and it's driving me crazy. I was able to sign in at one point, haven't tried in many months, and last night, I really wanted to get on pandy's and it just doesn't work. The site comes up, and the login screen comes up, but no matter how many times I log in, or how careful I am that I input my information correctly, it just keeps telling me I'm not signed in. Help?
  4. You are incredible, Lady. Inspiring. I've recently rediscovered my love for roller skating. Now mind you, I'm huge (haven't weighed myself lately, but I'm probably around 350...scary), but I can roll my butt all the way around the rink, without falling!!! This feels like the beginning of a beautiful relationship...
  5. Hey there, old friend. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, and I'm here. I hope things work out for you both as they're meant to. Sending lots of love and warm hugs your way.
  6. Overwhelmed

    A couple years ago, when I was seeing a lifecoach, I sat down one day and wrote down a list of everything that was overwhelming me. It was insane. I filled up an entire piece of paper with three columns of stuff. ANYONE would have been overwhelmed with that amount of stuff. It was tremendously validating to see it all on paper. I've been going through a really depressed period, and am back to my old ways of avoidance. I know that I'm overwhelmed...but I have this terrible way of punishing myself. My negative self talk goes something like this, "oh come on, it's not that big a deal, you wuss, just get busy". But then I look at my list of things to do, and I just can't handle it. I know, because of the experience with my lifecoach, that a really good way to deal with it is to write it ALL down, and then go through each thing, listing little things I can do to whittle the list down. I started writing my list the other day, but decided that I wanted to put it all here. I'll probably edit this as I go, but this is what I have so far. First, the things that are overwhelming me. I did one of those tests...I forget what they're called, but the ones where you add up points that go with stress you've experienced in the last year. If your score is over 300, you're at risk of getting sick. My score was 512. Even if I took off a couple things that were kind of repeats, my score is still well into the 400's. No wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed! Here's my list: Separation from my husband Death in the family (brother in law, who we took care of) Injury/illness (severe back pain) Sexual difficulties (ongoing for 8 years, part of the reason for the separation) Change in health of a family member (mother in law has gone off the deep end mentally) Change in financial state (my hours were cut at work by 20%) Minor mortgage (we had to consolidate our debt) Trouble with in-laws (the entire family contributed to the death of my bil, but my mil was the "mastermind") Revision of personal habits (this is ongoing for me...I'm always working on something) Trouble with boss (this is a rather new thing...I don't know if I'm going to be keeping my job for long) Change in working hours Change in recreation (I used to get out a lot more, lost some friends; used to go swimming, but couldn't afford it for awhile) Change in church activities (the friends I lost were my coven) Change in social activities (no local friends anymore) Christmas That's just from that test. This is the list I made: 1. Trying to fit the same work into less time 2. Working on stuff with husband (counseling, etc.) 3. Nicotine Anonymous - step work a. Sponsor (my sponsor is on the same step I'm on...I don't know if I should get a new sponsor and potentially hurt her feelings, or stick it out when she can't really help me anymore...hmmmmmmm) b. Starting over with my steps (trouble with sponsor has kind of stalled any progress, so I'm not sure if I ought to start over and review all the steps, once I'm ready to move on, or just plunge into it) 4. Bills, cars, anything and everything to do with money 5. Hygiene (not keeping up on my self care) 6. Weight/back stuff 7. Housework 8. The fact that I'm overwhelmed 9. The fact that I'm depressed and "lazy" 10. Not playing my cello 11. Not scrapbooking, crocheting, etc. 12. All my online stuff - friends, groups, etc. 13. Couponing (saving money on groceries) 14. My blog (not this one) 15. My family 16. Jason's family 17. My friends, spending time with them 18. Summer fun (anxiety over who, when, where, how) 19. Books - self care or pleasure? 20. Adventure break, jury duty, Kelly, fun 21. Kitty and the dogs 22. Email build up (work and home) 23. Exercise Whew! Holy crap, that's a lot of stuff. Next, I started breaking out each item into steps I can take to mitigate the stress. 1. Trying to fit the same work into less time a. See what i can cut out or delegate to others b. Quit being a martyr, let go of little stuff c. Decide if this job is worth it - pro's and con's, other options - Plan/financial needs/schedule - Plan of action - Do it! d. Spend more time focusing on helping others at work, rather than getting my stuff done 2. Working on stuff with husband (counseling, etc.) a. Go over list of things I need to do and come up with ways I can work on it b. Let it go. If it's going to happen, it will whether I force it or not c. Pray daily and trust in Higher Power 3a. Nicotine Anonymous - step work - Sponsor a. Pro's and con's, other options b. Talk to my sponsor c. Talk to other recovering addicts for advice d. Plan of action 3b. Starting over with my steps a. Review steps b. Try again to consolidate what I've done so far into one document c. Plan of action d. Do it! 4. Bills, cars, anything and everything to do with money a. Just keep on it. 5. Hygiene (not keeping up on my self care) a. Take more baths. b. I know just taking baths isn't enough, but can't think of anything else that would help. Ask for help. 6. Weight/back stuff a. Go swimming 2-4 times a week (when I can afford to) b. Keep up on book exercises (Don't Diet, Live It) c. Lots of veggies d. Back strength exercises - Read through them - Make a plan - Do it! 7. Housework a. Review list of chores b. Deal with resentments (Jason not doing his part) c. Make commitments that make sense, are doable, and that won't create more resentment d. Make a schedule I can agree to, that's not overwhelming 8. The fact that I'm overwhelmed a. Daily affirmations - be gentle with myself b. Take some me-time (schedule it in if I have to) c. Acknowledge that I'm overwhelmed, and validate that it's ok to be overwhelmed! There's a lot going on! 9. The fact that I'm depressed and "lazy" a. Forgive myself - I obviously needed the break b. Work on this list a few minutes every day c. Be gentle with myself when I can't keep up. Lots of people cave under this much pressure. 10. Not playing my cello a. Make a list of goals (cleaning, maintenance, how often I want to play, getting lessons, etc.) b. Find ways to accomplish each of those goals c. Spend time with my cello even if I don't play. Take it out of the case, rosin the bow, set up the stand, etc. 11. Not scrapbooking, crocheting, etc. a. Make a list of things I like to do - computer, video games, crafts, etc. b. Choose from the list whenever I have free time. (This will make my "other" activities more "accessible".) 12. All my online stuff - friends, groups, etc. a. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about this one. Try to whittle things down. b. Spend a few minutes each time I log in to catch up on these things, before doing anything else. c. Stop punishing myself for being behind! I'm allowed to spend time doing fun things, even if I'm overwhelmed with non-fun things. 13. Couponing (saving money on groceries) a. Keep doing this at work. Go in early if needed. b. Ask Jason for help 14. My blog (not this one) a. Forgive myself for getting behind. b. Log in each day, even if I don't write c. Try posting little things; no need for big topics 15. My family a. Ugh. Acknowledge ugh-ness of it. b. Don't deal with this until I'm ready. c. Forgive myself for needing space. d. Talk to therapist about ways to move forward. 16. Jason's family a. More ugh! b. Take steps to hand over all of this stuff to Jason c. Ask Jason what I can do to support him without taking on his stuff. 17. My friends, spending time with them a. Make a list of friends I want to see b. Contact each of them and find out when they want to get together c. Figure out what I'll need in order to see each of them (money, time, etc.) d. Make plans and keep them 18. Summer fun (anxiety over who, when, where, how) a. Acknowledge that this summer is going to be tough, and sit with that. b. See #17 c. Talk to therapist about ways to move on from losing friends 19. Books - self care or pleasure? a. Read what holds my attention b. Forgive myself for spending time on frivolous things when I have a lot to do. It's good to have a balance. And it's ok to be out of balance sometimes. 20. Adventure break, jury duty, Kelly, fun a. Take a deep breath b. Look at the calendar, write it all down c. Forgive myself for forgetting things (I know I will) d. Find as much time to enjoy myself as possible! e. Find a way to celebrate Summer Solstice...it's a momentous one! 21. Kitty and the dogs a. Acknowledge that Jason isn't going to help, and forgive him for that. He has a lot going on, too. b. Find the kitty every day for lovin's c. Be ok with not being the perfect Kitty Mommy 22. Email build up (work and home) a. Can't I just ignore this some more? b. Take a few minutes after completing #12 every day to take care of one or two emails that need to be taken care of c. Forgive myself for getting behind. Heck, at least I don't have 1,000 emails like that one time! 23. Exercise a. Forgive myself for not being able to do more. b. Find little ways I can add in extra exercise (hand wash clothes, etc.) c. 8 minutes in the morning, back exercises, swimming d. Make a schedule Holy crap, I can't believe I actually finished the list in one shot! It's so much faster typing than it is writing it out. Now I just need to print this and get started on it! Yippee, I accomplished something!
  7. Looming Divorce

    You know, I started this journey toward eventual divorce with the absolute knowledge that it's the only solution. Well...the only acceptable solution. The other possibilities are to keep going the way we've been going and continue to build anger, resentment, and hurt feelings (which is not appealing since the anger, resentment, and hurt feelings that are already permeating our marriage have reached crisis point...I feel like I'm being SA'd every time he touches me, even though he would never DREAM of harming me physically or mentally...it's just the realization that he cares so little about my feelings that his fucked up reasons for not having sex with me are more important...and every time he touches me it reminds me of my [abusive] ex husband...he'd do all these nice things for me and then beat the crap out of me. Those nice things kinda lose their meaning after awhile when he turns right around and pummels me later. Same with my current husband. It's all well and good that he touches me, but when he'll turn right around and refuse to make love to his own wife for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, that little touch kinda ends up being something creepy and weird. A friend and I used to call it "throwing you a bone". Like, he's just giving me enough to keep me hanging on, but not enough to be fulfilled. Thanks for the fucking bone, it's fun to play with, but where's my dinner?) Or another possibility would be to accept the situation as it is, stay married, and not feel resentful. The first two are repeats of the above scenario...the third? I think it's impossible. How could I NOT feel resentful that a man who claims to love me refuses to sleep with me? I don't think I could possibly turn those feelings off. Well, ok, maybe I could, but I'd have to turn off ALL feelings in order to do that, including love for him. I can dissociate pretty well and get by, keep myself safe. Been doing that since childhood. Great tool for staying safe in a crappy situation...but I can get OUT of this crappy situation. I don't WANT to turn myself off and live in a dreamworld (that's not meant as derogatory, btw...it literally feels like I'm walking in a dream when I dissociate, so it feels to me like a dreamworld) just so that I can stay married to someone who doesn't care enough about me to have sex with me. Yep, so that's it. That leaves me with door #3. Divorce. The shitty thing about this is that he's a great person. He would never be abusive, he is very attentive in other ways (when I say I want something, he makes a mental note and gets it...how many husbands do that???), he's wonderfully supportive, he has NEVER said anything negative about my past abuse and SA...he's a catch. He's a GOOD man. He just sucks ass as a husband. I appreciate his wonderfulness...I have been so lucky to have him as a second husband...to know that there ARE men like him in the world, who don't use and abuse women, who refuse to buy into the stereotypes, who would stick around honestly til death do us part. I know now that there are men like him...they do exist. Are there better ones out there? I mean, are there guys who aren't abusive, who respect boundaries, who are that attentive and loving and warm and affectionate, and supportive and kind and peaceful, who ALSO would be willing to have sex with me? (See, there's that old voice again...he's such a wonderful human being, but he can't give himself completely to me, he's got to hold something back...because I'm unloveable...I'm not good enough...I mean, obviously, otherwise he would be willing to share his most wonderful self with me. It must be because I'm just horrible and disgusting and WRONG on the inside, and he KNOWS it. There must be a blinking neon sign on my forehead that says, "DAMAGED GOODS, DON'T FUCK". That must be it. Right?)
  8. Life Changing Day

    I don't want to rewrite the whole thing, so I'm going to copy and paste from letters with a friend: (Written this afternoon) Wow. Um. Holy crap. I don't think this has quite sunk in yet. I ended my marriage. About an hour and a half ago. I woke up this morning, did my nicotine anonymous meeting, and then J made breakfast and we just hung out. J was looking at the calendar for something and was like, "um...you had a counseling appointment for an hour ago." Oops. So, I called my T and said that I had really wanted to see her. She had an opening, so I got in to see her a little after noon. I first talked to her about the stuff with my work. That's crappy, but I can deal with it. (My hours were cut back with no warning...everyone else at my work got warning, and really specific expectations about what would happen, I'm the only one who got any vagueness, and it was sprung on me at the last second.) Whatever, you know? Then I talked to her about J. (For anyone who doesn't know, we have not had sex in almost 8 years, since about 2 months after we met...there's a lot more to it than that, but you'd have to go back into my past blogs and messages for a deeper explanation.) After I talked for a little while, she told me that what I needed to do was tell J specifically what I need from him in order to feel safe. So I said the problem with that is that I've been doing that for 8 years now, and he either does it for a little while and stops, or he never does it in the first place. So she said that that should be a clear indicator that J doesn't really care whether or not I feel safe. Which, yeah, I know that...but still, I don't want to think he's just being mean, or that he's a bad person. I can't remember exactly how the conversation happened after that, but eventually she said that maybe it's time to redefine our relationship, and call each other roommates or something. That way it would remove the expectation of sex from our relationship. Well, I wasn't very keen on that idea, but by the end of the meeting, I had really warmed up to the idea. Not because it was something I wanted, but because I didn't see any other option. It's gotten to the point where I'm just not ok with a non-husband anymore. I mean, this is going to be my life FOREVER if I don't make a decision. So, I guess it's decision time, whether I like it or not. So, V (my T) said that she figured I'd go home and think about it, journal, talk to friends, etc. and eventually make a decision. I said, "well actually, I was thinking of just going straight home and dealing with it now." I know me...if I go home with the intention of "thinking about it", I just won't do anything. So, I came straight home and talked to J. The more I talked, the better I felt. He feels like crap, which sucks. I can't see this as anything but positive. I mean, I think we've both been holding each other back. Now, he doesn't have anything standing in his way. He can make whatever decisions he wants to make. He can get himself fixed or not, with no pressure from me. (He has a medical issue that needs to be fixed, and has not made any real attempt to get it fixed...hence no sex. He has complete control, and there are actually some things he could be doing now, but he chooses not to.) (I had a dream the other night that J cheated on me - full on had sex with another woman - and I found out about it. I didn't care that he cheated on me. I was pissed because he had sex with someone else, but he hadn't had sex with ME in all these years.) I think my worst fear (which I realized after having that dream the other night) was that he would have sex with someone else. I actually couldn't care less if he cheated on me at this point. I haven't had feelings like that in a long time (which is weird because I'm super jealous). But if he HAD SEX with someone other than me, full-on intercourse, then it would hurt me to my core. It would just provide all the proof I needed that his "issue" was really because of me, that something was wrong with me, and that this whole thing was just because of ME. I'm bad or gross or unlovable, or unsexy or whatever. And I realized today that whether I'm afraid of it or not, that's probably what's going to happen. I mean, we've pretty much established that he's just not going to have sex with me. He's had 8 years to make the choice to have sex with me and has chosen over and over to NOT make that possible. And I can't see him just never having sex again. So, whether I'm around or not, he's probably going to have sex with another woman, and not with me. So...I just faced my fear. I'm just letting go of that. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. If that's what he's going to do, he's going to do it whether I like it or not, no matter how much it hurts me. I don't know exactly what's going to happen from here. I'm more than happy to move slowly with this. We're not heading to divorce as far as I can tell. At least not for a long time. But I think we're going to have to have some long discussions over the next few months and really come to some decisions about what we want out of this and how we're going to get it. It's certainly a possibility that we'll end up getting a divorce, or even that we'll "get back together", but neither of those decisions is anywhere close to being made. At this point, all I know is that I don't have a husband. Never did, really. We may have called each other husband and wife, but we've never actually BEEN that. We're just calling it what it is now. We're roommates. (Written this evening) Well...it's turned out to be much more difficult than I expected. I don't know what I DID expect. It seemed like such a good idea earlier today...it felt right and good. Poor J is just a broken down heap. He's feeling so bad about himself...which, on the one hand, I want to say, "well, you made this decision by not doing anything all these years, when you knew it was eventually going to lead to this"...but on the other hand, I didn't set out to hurt him, just to take care of myself. We laid down to take a nap, and I couldn't sleep. I got up feeling really good, just looking forward to a new day. J woke up, we had dinner, and I asked him how he was feeling...he's been crying ever since. I hate it. I guess I should have expected this...I just rushed right home and threw this on the table after talking to V without thinking about the consequences. I don't regret it...but I don't want to hurt J either. He has some really skewed ideas about what I meant, and he won't tell me what he's thinking. I don't understand what's going on right now. He asked me if he could still kiss me, and when I started talking about it, he blew up and yelled at me, which was weird. We're still going to be sleeping in the same bed for now...not like anything goes on in there anyway. I told him that would eventually change, but for right now I don't need to change it. We sent our adoption social worker an email saying that the adoption plans are on hold. Again, that will probably change and we'll have to stop the process altogether, but for now it's not a decision either of us wanted to make. We're going to check in tomorrow and see if there's any other things we need to talk about, and then I guess we're going to try to have another "discussion" on Sunday night when J gets off work. Until then, things are WEIRD here. I don't think any final decisions are going to be made as far as moving out or divorcing for at least a year. I like that I'm more comfortable with J, and that we can take this time to deal with this slowly. With R (my abusive ex husband), it was either full-on relationship, or you'd better get your ass out of state FAST. We can't do anything for awhile anyway because of finances, but I think it's good the way our relationship is to just take our time and slowly work on separating. Since we never had sex, we could probably get an annulment. The good thing, financially, is that if we were able to sell our house, it would cover all our debts, and we could both walk away from this marriage with a fresh financial start. When I left R, I took a bunch of debts with me. That sucked. Anyway...I think I'll be ok if this ends in divorce. I don't know for sure, we'll see how this pans out. But I think I've known for a long time that this was going to happen, and I'm pretty ok with it. If anything, I just don't want to hurt him. Which is stupid, this is going to hurt both of us no matter how it works out. It's just that he's such a wonderful person in all other ways, and I wish that was enough for me. But this really isn't about sex...it's about J not respecting my wishes, and not caring enough about me to do something fully within his power to do, even when he knows how important it is for me. It just sucks to have to face up to that reality. Ugh. I don't know. I don't think I really want things to work out at this point. Or at the very least, I don't have any faith that he's going to do anything to move in that direction. All I can think of is what next...when am I going to set up a bedroom and move in? When am I going to be working full time? Will I go back to school? When will I start dating again? I'm not completely checked out of this relationship, but I've definitely got one foot out the door. The other foot is only in far enough to hopefully help J cope with this, and get through it as best we can. If he shocks me and decides he wants to make this work, I don't know how available I'm going to be - and I don't know what all I'll need to see in order to get me to stay. But it would have to be a lot. I haven't even thought about that, to be honest. Every time I start thinking of "what if he decides he wants to work it out?", I just can't go there, I start thinking of other things instead. I've been just thinking about going back to school, being able to take care of myself, getting myself ready to be independent again. That will probably include losing weight just because with my back problems, I can't really do much. But I'm also thinking of whether I want to try moving again or if I want to stay here. If I do want to move, I've got boocoo options. (I have friends all over the US that I could probably stay with, and not much reason to stay put here anymore, with no friends and no husband.) The problem is, in this economy, I'd probably be safest where I know I have a job with good benefits...so I should probably just stay here and try to get a cheap apartment...but since that's a long ways down the road, I'm not going to dwell on it too much. My co-worker has said that she wants to be working entirely from home by the end of the year, so I'm kind of hoping to get her job. If that happens, I'll be home free. Anyway, all that is a long ways off. For now, all I need to think about is doing whatever we need to do (meaning J and I). It's hard to not look ahead, though. I'm pretty sure our marriage is over...like 99.9%. But I also want to take our time and not freak out about it just yet. I'd rather be without a husband, than to have a man calling himself my husband hanging around draining me of all my resources (love, time, livelihood, etc.) without giving anything in return. I love him, I truly do. A LOT. And I'm lucky to have had him in my life. He's a great friend. But he's never really been a husband. And I don't believe he's ever had any intention of being a husband. So, if he actually wants to be one NOW, he'd better put up or shut up, and he'd better do it fast, because I've got one foot on the platform, and the other foot on the train. Thanks for reading.
  9. I am LOVING this thread! I'm sharing some of the best ones with my husband (my biggest supporter, who never invalidates or minimizes my pain), and he piped in, "why don't you got outside and play a nice game of hide and go fuck yourself?" I do love that man.
  10. Grieving

    My brother in law passed away last night. The way this computer is set up, I can't type much because it's causing cramps, so this will have to be quick. He was quadriplegic and we took care of him sometimes. My husband took care of him until he was 26. They were really close. This SUCKS! And I'm not happy about the way his family handled this. His mother kept putting off taking him to the hospital. She said he was getting worse for HOURS! His sister kept saying mom something's wrong, he's not going to make it, we need to get him to the hospital, and my mil just kept putting it off. He died in the car on the way to the hospital. How fucked up is that? Gotta go, cramps. Thanks for reading.
  11. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. So, my family has decided that my break from them is over. Yeah. THEY decided. Because, you know, they have that right...right? It's not MY decision what I do with my life or my body. What a silly girl I am to think I ever had any say in what I do with my own life! Psh! It's just not allowed! Well. Guess what, mofo's. I owe you SQUAT! All these phone calls and trips up to my 'hood (but changing your minds at the last minute because you don't really want to see me THAT bad) are only serving to put MORE distance between us. I laid out some boundaries. You cross them, and the boundaries get pushed FURTHER back. I know, I know, this is not the way things were before. I know that in the past, I would become the subservient little abused child you liked and accepted for a few minutes at a time. But you're just going to have to get used to that. Oh, that little girl still exists. But I'm PROTECTING her from you now. You're not going to be seeing that little girl anymore. You lost your rights to her. Sorry, y'all have been TPR'd, bitch. (That's Termination of Parental Rights, in case it needed to be said.) I have bigger fish to fry. I have a life you're no longer allowed to ruin. I have built a fortress named Gaia Raain that is protected by my Higher Power and my Self, my most precious ADULT self. I now have a moat that's electrified and filled with these enormous piranha monster things that will rip your asses to shreds. I'm sure that tomorrow I won't be feeling this strong. Tomorrow I'll probably have a little 3 bedroom ranch-style house near Fred Meyer...yeah, the same one you know exactly how to get to because I was still allowing you in my life when we moved here. But for now, I've got a big ass fortress that looks like it drinks power thirst and spends its days lifting weights and ripping the heads off evil monsters or something. And I have guards that stand on the top of my big ass fortress just waiting to fart in your general direction. So just move along now. You're not welcome here.
  12. Processing

    Wow. It has been so long since I've logged in. I went to the "unread messages" page - stupid me - and there were 72 pages. Yeah...not gonna happen. I don't know why I came here today. Or, more accurately, I don't know why I stopped coming. I knew there were going to be way more messages than I could possibly read and respond to. I knew that I didn't have the mental energy to respond anyway. But I could have been coming here for support when I needed it. Ah well. What does it matter. I'm here now. I thought about coming in and posting a blog just to kind of get organized. I thought of posting this to my myspace blog - but there are some people who read that who might have something negative to say to my reality. I don't need that crap, you know? I've gotten to the point where any other blog is just not used for personal stuff anymore. Pandy's is it. Because even though I have friends here, I don't have any enemies...or frenemies...or family...or anyone who really knows me personally. This is a safe place. (Maybe that's why I haven't been coming here...I don't want to fuck this up, too, like I do everything else...I need my one safe place, so I've got to have long spaces in between so that no one gets to know me too well, so that it can still be a safe place. Jesus, I'm fucked up, aren't I?) Anyway, so beyond this point, this blog might be insanely boring. (I don't know why, but EVERY time I type the word boring, I end up typing "borning"...EVERY SINGLE TIME. Weird. Why do I need that extra "n"?) I'm just writing this blog to kind of write it all out and see it in one place...it might not even make sense. So, this is my December. Christmas shopping, of course - which won't start until 10 days before Christmas because we're fucking broke as hell right now, and won't have any money until the 15th. Buying a new car - because Jason's broke down. Perfect fucking timing, eh? And of course because we have zero money to buy a car, guess what else we're doing 10 days before Christmas? (Thank goodness I have a friend looking to get rid of a car who's willing to take payments. I have no clue how we're going to make any more payments to her, but at least we know where the first one is coming from.) Because we only have one car, Jason and I are sharing a car. Which means that any day that he doesn't have a ride to work, I need to get up at 5am, drive him to work, get to my job by 10 and leave by 3 (my normal schedule is noon to 5) in order to get to his work by 4. Fun, fun! I'm buying a cello. I'm so excited about my cello. I don't know why on Earth this happened when it did, with everything else going on, but this is exactly as the Universe intends it to be - for whatever reason. We were chosen to go to committee for a sibling group of three VERY young kids - the oldest is 2 years and 2 months, and none of them are twins. This is scary and exciting and horrifying and perfect and wonderful and everything else you could imagine, all rolled into one. BUT, we were supposed to find out on Monday about the committee date, and we haven't heard back. Every time there's a delay, we end up finding out that we're not actually going to committee. So, I don't know whether to be excited and hopeful, not to mention busy getting ready - or whether to just forget about it and assume we've been "unchosen" unless we hear back about it. I've gotten my dumb ass addicted to coffee again. Can someone tell me WHY I do this to myself? I've got to use up all my vacation time before the end of the year. I had it all saved up in preparation for the adoption, but since it hasn't happened, I've got all this time that I haven't used. I've also got to use up all my medical benefits and spend all my flex spending money by the end of the year, or else I lose it. So, hopefully I'll be getting a new pair of glasses soon. Yippee! I've had the same ones for over 10 years now. My husband's mother is a fucking asshole, which I'm just now realizing. We've been together almost 8 years now, and his mother has always been wonderful. For some reason, just within the last month or so, her true colors are really starting to come out. She's a manipulative, caniving, backstabbing chaos junkie. YUCK! I've finally gotten my family out of my life. This Thanksgiving was SO nice. I thought about my family once or twice - mainly in the context of how nice it is not having them hanging over my head all fucking day. I know I'm not welcome to their family gatherings - I don't need a reminder of that every god damn holiday season. If I'm not a member of their family - I'd rather deal with that shit alone. It's so much nicer that way. I'm still grieving over the loss of my friends and Coven Sisters earlier this year. I leaned on them through the holidays the last few years. I think it's harder dealing with that bullshit (and Jason's mother's bullshit) than it is to be without my family - at least this year. Maybe next year will be different. I fucking hate the holidays as an adult. They were so special when I was a kid - now, they're just fucked up. I never, ever thought I'd be one to be negatively affected by the holidays, but here it is. Blech! I've got SO much more I could say. This month is just truly insane. But, I've got to get busy now. I've been writing this at work, and I've got tons of stuff to do still. Oh, before I go, I should say that all this negative stuff does not mean that I'm down. There are SO many positives, too! I'm actually in a great mood...just overwhelmed. And the negative stuff just happened to be what came out in my writing. If I have time, I'll try to come back and write another blog about the positives. Because, really, there are so many. Take care, and thanks for reading. Gaia Raain
  13. I'm so sorry. That seems so messed up to me. I hope it's over with quickly. Your feelings about this are valid. It's a crappy situation to be in. :-( Take gentle care of you. Gaia Raain
  14. Do you have to meet them at your home? Can't you meet them elsewhere? It seems rather intimidating that they want to meet at such an intimate place. I'd be uncomfortable, too.