So it's been so unbelievably hot. We live in the top floor of our apartment building with no air conditioning, so it's been even more unbelieveably hot. It's the kind of muggy heat where you just can't get anything done, no matter how much you want to. Needless to say, my place is a little.. or lot... messy. Despite it all, I woke up in a pretty good mood yesterday, ready to take on the day. Honestly, I feel that sharing what's happened to me in the past to be helping. I seem to have more energy and ambition. I've come to realize that a lot of the things i do, including my temper and feeling helpless about a lot of things isn't just a defect in my personality. I mean, it is in a lot of ways, but it has a lot to do with what I've been through. I've also found that I can relate to a lot of the people on this website when it comes to such thing because they suffer in the same way. Anyway, i was raring to go yesterday. Thought of clean kitchens and vaccuumed carpets filled my head.
It's at this point that my husband decides to pick a fight with me about how messy our place is. And then he said something that felt like a smack in the face.
"You think that just because you've joined that group online and have found some people that have been through some of the same things that it entitles you to be lazy and self-pitying."
[take a moment for utter shock to fill my face remembering that just two days ago he assured me that I was able to talk to him about such things, and i had just decided that i was able to trust him.]
"And you wonder why I don't tell you anything." I replied in a eerily calm voice.
"You never really have," he snapped back, "so I just stopped caring."
"I think you had better leave right now before I do something you might regret. And don't come back."
So he left. I didn't talk to him all day except to call him to tell him i was at his parents doing laundry. When I got home i slept on the couch. I mean, he wanted me to trust him and at the first chance he gets he uses what i told him against me! How am I supposed to be able to trust that?
I stayed awake a while last night thinking about our relationship. The truth is, it's much more than this. We've been having problems for a while, but i never thought he'd stoop so low to say something SO hurtful. I called to tell him that we need to talk when he gets home from work. I'm giving him a choice. Either we go get some councelling together, or we seperate for a while to get ourselves straightened out without having each other around to nag or berate. I'm super scared though. I love him so much, but when is that not enough?