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About litakino

  • Birthday 06/05/1970

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    knitting, reading, science fiction, ho hum, lots of other things
  1. Car Done...and a New Start?

    Car's done. Fairly expensive. But getting some help with that so that's good. But, I am excited/scared about something else. I went out for coffee tonight. With a guy. He seems very nice and he is very much a gentleman, which is nice. I didn't feel any "warning bells" going off, I wasn't triggered, it was a pretty nice date. But I wonder sometimes if my reactions to things are off. Sometimes even one of my close friends can touch me and I jump. I don't even know I'm doing it. They tell me about it afterward. So, if I don't know I'm doing something, how do I stop it? Did I do something like that tonight? I don't think so. He wants to get together again. He is a hugger, which is OK, but I have to be careful with that. I haven't said anything yet about the SA. It's too soon I guess. When is the right time? Gosh, I am in a tizzy. He is nice and smart and polite. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But, no creepy behavior, it was very different than I am used to which is a good thing. Forgive my bluntness, but I thought my ex bf was the only guy on the planet that didn't want to screw on the first date. Which is why losing him was so hard. I was wondering how to find another decent guy. Seems like I may have found one. TAKING IT SLOW! That is my motto nowadays.
  2. My boss, a woman who was abused in a relationship herself, told me "there is no such thing as rape in marriage...there is always implied consent" that made me mad! Especially since I am a IPSA survivor. The culture today not only tolerates but glorifies rape in a lot of ways. I know, it really does want to make you scream, doesn't it? I know what you mean about being difficult to take the first step. Sending good thoughts your way!
  3. Hanging in there

    Still feeling very alone. I have lost a friend, and that sucks. I really needed a friend tonight that could have helped out...the one person who would have helped me tonight has abandoned me. My car just died on the road. Driving along, everything's fine...then...BAM!...just turns off. Started to cry. Almost called or texted my ex bf...but thought better of it...he wouldn't have answered anyway. If we were still friends he would have helped if he was in the area...tried my one other friend...she couldn't help. A nice family finally stopped to help. Very grateful. Had the car towed home. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. I feel lost and I am still trembling. I am glad that I was able to do this on my own, but I feel like I only have so much in reserve left. I want to feel self-sufficient but I need some support. Everybody needs support. Sitting in my car alone, looking at all the contacts in my cell phone and going down the list and not finding anyone who can help is depressing. So I'm trying to stay calm. The best thing would be if I could get the car towed to the shop, have them look at it, and maybe get a forced day off of work. But I know my boss won't like that at all and she will probably offer to pick me up. I just am fed up. I am a good worker, I have hardly ever called in sick, in fact I don't remember when I ever called in sick, I have gone in while I am physically sick and even when my triggers have been very bad (sometimes in my job I am triggered very bad by some of the customers that get rather friendly, I work in a store, it's not too bad but sometimes handing people their change...I don't know, it's different stuff, hard to explain) and when I felt so bad and so alone...I needed a break but I couldn't take one b/c I'm one of two people who work in the store...not going to get Veteran's Day off, Christmas falls on a weekend so I won't get any time off for that holiday, or New Years...get a half a day off or so for Thanksgiving...I'm glad I'm a valued employee but I NEED A BREAK. I think I deserve one...but what are they going to do if I don't show up? I'm starting to not care though. Which is a bad sign. I need to clear my head. Be at home when nobody else is so I can clean up the clutter in the house and in my head. I think I deserve that. But nobody else seems to think so. I am so emotionally tired I just want to cry all the time. I am probably going to get a break the 1st weekend of December so I can go on a retreat but even that is not a given. It will be the first retreat I've gone on in like 15 years. I so need it. It's agonizing waiting for it though. I got through tonight, though. Figured it out all by myself, which both feels good and also depressing at the same time.
  4. Seems to take longer

    Feeling better but the hurt and sadness just kind of comes and goes. It seems that it takes longer for me to recover than it should. Of course, that is just me being hard on myself again, I suppose. I do have to allow myself a good while to recover from my bad times. And I am just coming out of a pretty bad one. Trying to take it easy on myself. Of course, life just keeps coming at you whether you like it or not. I can't just duck out of work for a couple of days because I'm feeling sub-par. I do need a break, though.
  5. Getting ready for the week ahead

    I think I am finally letting go of some of the hurt that has been really bothering me lately. If I really did learn anything and gain anything from the relationship that just ended, I feel I need to honor the good that has come out of that relationship and not let myself slide back into old, bad habits. The main problem is that I am really afraid and not sure of how to proceed. I have a couple of new boyfriend prospects but one is very different from my last bf. He is quite, well, he's interested in a physical relationship right off the bat. I have not told him about the abuse yet. We have only talked one or two times. I'm thinking this one's over before it even begins maybe. The only thing that makes me wonder is that it seems besides my last bf, every single one of my other boyfriends, including the one who became my husband and abuser, were very much interested in the physical part of a relationship, right from the first date. Some held back more than others, but all made it clear that they were interested. In fact, that's what made me think that my last bf was not interested in me at took so long for us to finally decide when the physical part was right. I wonder, is that how it's really supposed to be? At least, that's what I finally decided when my ex-bf and I finally decided it was right. I thought, maybe that's how a relationship is supposed to work, with both parties slowly learning each other and figuring it out step by step. But I'm confused now b/c I'm back on the dating scene and everything in society seems to be telling me something different. It's scary.
  6. Trying to keep the blog going

    I am starting to feel much better. I found out today that I can convert my special rent-assisted duplex into a regular rental and stay here for another year. That way I don't have to move. That is one relief. My friend who I found out has cancer is doing very well, it is actually luekemia but she says it is I think the chronic kind and as long as she takes her meds and goes to her oncologist the way she's supposed to she should be doing OK for a long time. Whatever that AV was that I can't remember that caused me to have the creepy feeling at the back of my neck, all I can say is WHEW because all that has subsided and I feel pretty much better about that. I still hurt over the loss of my bf. Well, no scratch that; I hurt over the loss of the friend I had before we were dating and now I just don't have a friend at all. My friend with luekemia is nice but she is very preachy and she talks so much sometimes I just get tired listening to her. I don't really like to talk with her about my problems anymore. So I am down to having ZERO local friends to talk to. I am very down in the dumps about that. I thought I was doing OK but tonight I started to cry some more. I am trying to figure out how to get out and meet some new people but (a) I work 10 hours a day and get out too late to do stuff on weekdays (b) my ex husband never takes the kids for visitation on his weekends so I don't get a break to do anything and © nothing to do in this town anyway. No support groups, not even just regular fun stuff. But I am going to try and make more of a concerted effort next week. This weekend will be so busy with halloween. I am still wondering what makes me so forgettable that someone can say I'm their friend one day and the next just totally blow me off and not think twice about responding to my calls. I just feel like I must be a very boring and useless person sometimes.
  7. ty
  8. I got through the deadline

    I made Sunday my deadline for hoping that my ex-bf would contact me. He didn't. I hardly thought about it at all today. I am actually feeling much better. Still VERY hurt and CONFUSED but moving on...I think it was good that I broke the whole process down into steps and took it a bit at a time. I cried a lot and it seemed to drag on. I think I can start to move on now.
  9. The Letter

    Ok, here it is. Dear C---, I don't know if you will ever read this. I hope you do someday. But this is more for me than for you. First of all, I am sorry I got mad at you about the FB thing and how I misunderstood when you turned your phone off or silent or whatever and didn't answer my calls. Maybe that played into your decision not to communicate with me when you initially said you still wanted to talk and text. By the way, what is up with that, why say that and then cut me out? Maybe you felt I was too unstable, I don't know. I had a lot of things hit me all at once, the perfect emotional storm, so to speak. It's sad for you if that's the reason you cut off communication. You see, that's what bothers me most, saying one thing and then doing another. Especially when you knew I was having a hard time. You said you wanted to "simplfy your life." When we were talking about it, you sounded really angry. Like when I said I was worried that you would burn out, and you said you had already burnt out, you sounded mad. Are you mad at me? You said you had no time to date. Well, we were friends first, I still wanted that. Maybe you couldn't handle all my problems, which, I grant you, are a lot to deal with. I know you have problems of your own. But shutting me out like that really hurt. Even just telling me straight out not to call or text would have been better. You see, the main part that hurts so much is that you helped me through some really tough stuff. D---- told you about the abuse himself, I couldn't hide it from you. You taught me how to trust again. You gave me back so much of what D---- had taken from me. I will try to hold on to that as I go forward. I am grateful for the time we had together. But I am really mad at you for shutting me out when I really needed a friend. Nobody else was available to me at that time, I was completely alone! I handled a really bad trigger event all by myself and I did it, but I'm mad. You said you would always be on my side but when it came down to it, I guess you couldn't handle it! I am proud of you for trying to pull yourself together and do what you need to do with your life. "Simplifying" or whatever. I just wish you didn't feel the need to simplify me right out of it. If you contact me in the future I think I will still be your friend. But I am really mad right now. So, good luck, I hope all this works out for you like you think it will. Your friend, Lita
  10. I wrote the letter

    I have been struggling with my "recovery" so much lately. "Recovery." Do we ever really recover? Well, I guess we are never the same person would would have been without the abuse I suppose. But, something good rises from the ashes anyway. I decided that my "obsession" (I don't know what else to call it) with the fact that my bf broke up with me and then cut off communication so abruptly was due to the fact that I felt like he had taken away my choice in the matter. So, I kind of felt abused again. I am still hoping he will contact me but I am trying very hard to let that go. To that end, I wrote him a letter. I'm not going to send it to his house, I'm sure it would just come back through the mail marked refused. Which is too bad. Because I think it's a pretty good letter. I don't really "give it to him" but I explain everything I feel. At least it makes me feel good to get it out. In the midst of all this, I am dealing with the fact that my youngest son has decided to go live with his dad (the one who abused me). It is temporary, but it still hurts. Much more than the bf thing of course. Which only makes the bf thing sting a bit more because before we dated (and while we were dating) we talked about all this stuff. He helped me through my stuff and I helped him through his (he is divorced with kids too). So, I have lost the only one here locally I can talk to about this stuff. So, I am hurting over my son's decision and crying so much. I was supposed to go to church this morning but I just couldn't. I am writing stuff and just generally moping until a little later when I will go for a walk to get some exercise and just, I don't know, wander. Right now I can't think of much else other than my hurt. I wish my ex-bf could read the letter. Or at least somebody could. Should I post it here? I'm not sure. Most of all I wish my son would be here with me and his siblings. So, I am dealing with: 1) abrupt breakup, it's like ripping a band aid off...hurts like hell for a while...but maybe it's the best way to do it? I don't know... 2) Oh yeah, I have until December to find a new place to live and that's not going very well 3) On top of that suck salad you can add the bacon bits of, oh yes, my best friend here has cancer 4) and the dressing on the suck salad is my son moving in with my abuser. I asked where my son was going to sleep, and the ass says, well, i have a full size bed. OMG. maybe it's time to beg for some money from my extended family and HIRE A LAWYER.
  11. so bittersweet. it is still fresh for me yet i relate, at least a little.
  12. Another one for today

    I had so much to think about I decided to blog again so I wouldn't miss it. I had forgotten to mention that I talked to my boss a little more about the abuse, she knew when she hired me, she said she was in a relationship where the guy "hit her" and she got out of it, she was kind of vague and really brushed it aside. I don't think she's dealt with her issues. In fact, I know she hasn't. She knew I was abused but I hadn't named it as rape. But because it was within the context of marriage, she told me, "In marriage there is implied consent. There is no rape in marriage." Not surprising in the small town I live in, unfortunately. I argued about that a bit, but kind of left it, after all, she is my boss. Another, well meaning friend, told me, "I was really worried about you. You've been away from the abuse for 2 years. You should not be reacting in this way now." All this about flattened me, especially with everything that's been going on with me lately. I have to admit that even though I have felt lately like I was knocked all the way back to square one, I wasn't really. I had never really understood before my T's comments about this. About how I would feel like I was back at the beginning but really wasn't. Today I downloaded the free pdf of Ressurection After Rape. Early on, it has a list of how you can recognize recovery, stuff like facing the thoughts of the rape rather than avoiding them, valuing your body, etc. Even though it hurts that it ended, that is exactly what my relationship with my ex-bf was all about: my choices, valuing myself, and so on. I think I am, in some sense, "recovered." Not completely. I have to admit being around me, having to deal with me in my healing process, is a daunting task. But, if my ex-bf is no longer willing or able to support me in this process, it is better that we are not together. So, even though I feel like I've been knocked all the way back, I haven't been. The sadness I feel is natural when something like this ends. I am facing the sadness rather than just acting as if he hasn't called me in a while and any minute the phone will ring. And we come to the crux of the matter, why am I so upset? Well, part of it is because I think I had been feeling like my ex-bf had taken away the choice--he chose to end the relationship, thus cutting me out of the decision, and cut off communication so I couldn't argue the point. Kind of like a little kid who, all of a sudden, doesn't like something about his playmates and says, "That's it! I'm taking my toys and going home!" So, I felt as if I was powerless. I just had to find my power in all this. It took me a bit, but I found it. I chose a point where I was going to stop contacting him; I tried one last phone call, one last text, and called it quits. My decision. I have decided that to be gentle to myself, and to be true to the fact that I still think he is a decent person and a friend, I am going to hope that he might decide to contact me this weekend. I am not contacting him at all. Again, my choice. After that, I'll just let myself continue to grieve for the lost relationship. But I am choosing how to deal with this. I'm giving myself this weekend because I really did feel like there was a lot of worth to that relationship and it was founded on us being friends first and I didn't want to loose that, and I thought was I wasn't going to. I have a lot to thank him for. Looking back on our time together, it was clear that I made a lot of progress, not really because of him exactly, but he helped. I was thinking of writing him a letter, not to send to him, just expressing everything I didn't get to say, just because I need to say it. Funnily enough, that is one of the signs of recovery I guess, saying something because you need to say it. What difference would it make if I got to say all this directly to him? Maybe not much, because he's made his choice already. So, if I just write it down, process it, and then let it leave me, I will probably feel much better. The only other thing, the thing that hurts the most, is that my youngest son has left to live with his dad. It's not far away, and I'll be seeing him, but it still hurts that he has chosen to live with my abuser. It's not permanent, though, thank goodness.
  13. thanks for that
  14. Trying to pick up the pieces

    Sigh. I am trying not to look back, but it is hard. Looking ahead is very scary. I was having trouble right before my boyfriend broke up with me with some strange stuff...feeling like my abuser was messing with the back of my neck like he used to do, I call it the "creepy neck" feeling. So when he broke up with me I lost the one person I felt comfortable discussing this with you didn't think I was crazy discussing it. I looked back through my old journal entries and found out that I had the same problem last year almost to the day! I can't connect the creepy feeling with any particular memories but obviously there is something there! An AV that my brain won't let me remember yet I suppose. So put that together with the breakup PLUS my youngest son is going to live with his dad for a while (hurts me a lot) and guess what....his dad is the one who abused me! The hurt cuts me so bad right now I can hardly stand it. I broke down last night and couldn't stop crying. Once I saw that I had had the "creepy neck" feeling before and recognized it, it started to dissipate. Now my neck bothers me a little but I think that is because the muscles were tensed so much, all the tension is making me ache. I can deal with that. I just feel so confused. And hurt. In my messed up IPSA mind I am thinking that this breakup proves to me that I am not worth anything more than a sexual object. I just don't understand.
  15. the start of something new

    I have come back to Pandy's after being absent for some time. I went through a lot of healing after getting away from an abusive husband. I learned to trust again. I was with a wonderful man, who was my friend first and then my lover. He was emphatic that any intimate moves were my choice. He was so wonderful. Then, all of a sudden, he decided he did not have time for me anymore. He claimed he wasn't mad at me. He said he still wanted to talk on the phone and text, ostensibly to be friends. But, somehow, that changed in the blink of an eye. I am shut out. I tried a couple of times to text him. No answer. I feel betrayed. So, I come back here just to vent and seek support. I am trying to move on. Even when I first learned that he "had no time to date" I understood. I just am sad at the loss of a friend. I don't want him back as a "boyfriend" just a friend but if that is not to be I can't change it. I want to see this as a new adventure. But I am very scared. I am scared I won't find someone else as patient as he had been, and as gentle and caring. I want to believe that he doesn't contact me because he is hurting, too. I am at the start of a new journey, and I'm not sure I like it so much.