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About valentine.nolan

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    the story of beauty.
  • Birthday 12/31/1989

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  • Interests
    writing, reading, filming.
  1. healing takes time, so just breath.

    epic story yearning to be read.
  2. the whirlwind of blogs.

    Let's update this with all the blogs I've posted to myspace. =D ....... Monday, August 18, 2008 1:16 AM - in love with one legged amputee. Current mood: anxious my words won't come out anymore. Currently listening : Almost Lover Release date: 2008-03-25 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Sunday, August 17, 2008 1:06 AM - impusive bipolar. Current mood: ashamed held very still; stopped; gave in. Currently listening : Believe By Yolanda Adams Release date: 2001-12-04 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Saturday, August 16, 2008 1:08 AM - chat line victory. Current mood: strong back away;don't touch;you're free. Currently listening : The Fight of My Life By Kirk Franklin Release date: 2007-12-18 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Friday, August 15, 2008 4:09 AM - oh, there you are. Current mood: blessed god is writing my life story. Currently listening : The Fight of My Life By Kirk Franklin Release date: 2007-12-18 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove 2:15 AM - uh, hello? god? Current mood: pissed off sign on door; outta my control Currently reading : Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women By E. Sue Blume Release date: 1991-02-13 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Thursday, August 14, 2008 10:59 PM - six words. Current mood: disgusted CHALLENGE. I am placing my feelings in the simplest form i can. each night. i will try to write. six words to explain me. right now. mind convinces soul; i feel ashamed. Currently reading : The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition) By Wendy Maltz Release date: 2001-02-20 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, August 12, 2008 2:11 AM - mentally stable. Current mood: numb i don't think. to be honest. i am 'mentally stable' at the moment. i say 'fuck it' and gave up. now i feel disgusted. my mind is clouded. by my body doesn't feel shit. i am over stressed. and need to get shit together. i just want to move out. i want my new bed. my new home. my new life. i want to start over. i want to be someone new. i want to put the past behind me. and just start over. clean slate. i'm on the verge of a breakdown. needing to just cry. but what happens when you already cried out your tears? i want to throw my hands high in the air. and just relax. without mumbling from girls with immature attitudes who don't know shit what the FUCK i am going through right now. i just want to relax without worrying about money. without worrying about shit. i just want to relax. and live my life. and become someone wonderful. maybe i need theraphy again. but i'm too scared to ask. too worried about money and getting from point a to b. maybe i need to write. to stop holding on so tight. closing off. maybe i need people around. i am alright with people. i am a disaster alone. too much thoughts. too much sadness. maybe i need to just say all i need to say. cause words want to fly out of my hollow mouth. be free. i know the answers. but i seem to have not registered them yet. i just hurt. so. so. much. i think its loneliness. maybe i am trying to fill a hole. a void. that doesn't need filled. that really needs to be aired out. to heal in it's own time. maybe i need to breath. and not give into my past. not let abuse control my life. maybe i need to relax. and know i am alright. and KNOW god is with me. maybe i just need to be balanced. i am off my center. i need to listen to my soul. i need to learn. i need to live. maybe i just need to live. finally live. Oh and tori is the shit. point blank. shout out to my homegurl. =D Currently reading : Your Body Belongs to You By Cornelia Maude Spelman 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Monday, August 11, 2008 10:20 PM - forgiveness must feel good. [written by Tori] Current mood: amused [written by a badass girl named Victoria] so i'm a stupid girl living in high school? and you forgive me. thanks for that. i don't know i'd do without YOUR forgivness. too bad i don't know what its like to NOT be grown up. me and amber have been through more shit than you could ever even imagine. and yet you can some how find it in your heart to FORGIVE us. when all we did was try to speak our feelings. and as for paige she is a fucking child. and she's not even in high school yet she is way more mature than you ever hope to be. [leave that LITTLE GIRL out of this. and let her be the child she is.] [and if you ever mention her again, i'll get real ghetto real fucking quick.] we weren't even attacking you. but i'm so glad can fovgive us now. after all your lying decit. and theft. THANK YOU. YOU. for forgiving us. because your god now. and god hates ugly. and karmas a bitch. so let me be that high school girl you say i am by actually sending you this. and let me be the child i never got the chance to be. not that you care or anything. your life is perfect. so enjoy it. and thank you again lord for your forgiveness. Currently listening : All the Right Reasons By Nickelback Release date: 2005-10-05 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Saturday, August 09, 2008 4:00 AM - three bottles of pills. Current mood: determined cause when you swallow pills you in up in hospitals. and you wake up hooked to heart monitors. iv.s catheters. oxygen. tubes. it's not worth it. once lucky. take a bow. cheated death by the grace of god. yes. that's it. don't you see blind girl. the grace of god. give it to god. LEARN IT. it's really not a hard concept. stop falling. catch yourself. live. smile. you offer this world love. humanity. passion. don't fall behind darling girl. cause i love you darling girl. you're a survivor. you're a lover. YOU ARE LOVABLE. such a stupid little girl. at times you are. don't you see blind girl heaven in front of your eyes. reach out darling girl. take it. you deserve it. you don't deserve this world. its too corrupted for your innocence. its too dirty for your cleanliness. its too twisted for your simplicity. its filled with hatred. when you are filled with love. kid, don't you see. you deserve heaven. cause when people take three full bottles of pills they die, little girl. they don't make it out alive. when people take three bottles of pills and falls asleep for five hours little girl they don't wake up. darling girl are you blind? you are heaven on earth. you are an angel. you are god's child. someone MEANT to live. meant to love. meant to survive. meant to heal. meant to have rough times. meant to overcome. meant to change. meant to show. cause when you swallow pills you sometimes you end up in hospitals. but you wake up. little girl you LIVE. Currently listening : The String Quartet Tribute to Switchfoot Release date: 2005-03-08 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove 3:50 AM - like a bird. Current mood: depressed my skull fills like its broken. painful spots in the back of it burn with depression. i have noticed that. my head hurts when i hurt. the back right side. its is a dull pain as if someone is hitting me with something. my moods are in the rapid cycle. plaguing me. i will be alright tomorrow. but tonight i hurt. trying to rationalize with myself. i can't be like this right now. i am doing so well. too much time alone. way too much time alone. it's not healthy. i need school to start. i need social situations. with people in the flesh. i need to get out of my home. i need to breathe. i am suffocated. i am lonely as fuck. my moods are hanging twirling around like a mobile. happy to sad. excited to lethargic. rational to irrational. i scream for newness. i ache for it. i need people. i just keep tumbling. searching through doors for something to satisfy this ache. chatting. roleplaying. pretending. it's all make believe. dissociation. i need to be driven. i am driven. my hopes drive me. my need for a better life then what was given to me drives me. i need to not be impulsive. i need to stop with addictive behavior. i just need to breathe. i want to not be lonely. i want that love. i want comforting arms. i want to not be needy. i need to be self loving. and be free. like a bird. Currently reading : Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women By E. Sue Blume Release date: 1991-02-13 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Thursday, August 07, 2008 9:30 PM - californiacation Current mood: tired i am weak. i am addicted. i am trying. really i am. that song came on. i haven't heard it in so long. the song that played. the music video that played. mid day morning. the sun shining in. cut off shorts being unsnapped. cotton white tank top being pulled up. seven. or eight. young and confused. i was in that video. i had to be. dissociation. away from life. i heart that song. in the middle of a rock out session. i breathed. i had to. i stopped. i needed to sit. to calm. i relapsed. like any junkie. except drugs isn't my vice. chat lines. such a killer. i try to fill a void. i try to not be so alone. i guess i am strong. i need the optimism. i give it to god. cause i have no control. i have to be brave. i have to love myself. even though i dont at times. i have to be alive. i give it to god. i give my past. i give my addictions. i give my self disgust. i give my body image. everything. i give it to god. i am strong. i am in control. i am going to make it. Currently listening : Californication By Red Hot Chili Peppers Release date: 1999-06-08 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove 2:28 AM - second degree of fear. Current mood: ashamed "its normal." "we all do that." "you can't help it." the words don't help. when you feel completely disgusted. my fear. oh boy my fear. i fear for so long. too long. of becoming my mother. but now i fear something even scarier. even more heart wrenching. "its cause what your were taught." "the only thing you know." "its normal." the reassurances doesn't help. doesn't help when my skin feels so dirty. i feel so dirty. i feel ashamed. i want to scrub my skin raw with hot water. it won't help. its so deep in my head. buried under my core. "just one more time." i say. one more time turns to a night. a night turns to a day. each and every. i try to reteach. i really do. but i revert back to my primal instinct. "its something you overcome." "we all have to do it." "its normal." i don't feel normal. i don't feel good. i feel 'release'. like i did. like i learned. i am going back to the same thing i did. the same thing i didn't want to do. the same thing i was conned to do. asking. seducing. a child. pfft. i was a child. doing exactly what i was taught. a tiny five year old child. and look what it has imprinted on my mind. the same need to revert back to that. to think about that. to roleplay about that. these men. disgusting. want it. like it. when the words "ageplay" "incest" "young" comes up. they feed from it. another world of abuse. but no. i go. i seek it. for the release. the mindset leaving me. and i am primal. like any other human. but i am afraid. afraid i won't over come it. afraid i will not be normal. afraid of my mind. afraid of my self control. afraid of who i might become. "its normal" they say over and over. survivors. therapists. people. "you are strong." they say over and over. survivors. therapists. people. "you will overcome." they say over. and over. and over. survivors. therapists. peoples. but what happens. if i don't? "its normal." Currently reading : The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition) By Wendy Maltz Release date: 2001-02-20 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Wednesday, July 30, 2008 9:13 AM - freebird. Current mood: enlightened i am flying. like a free bird. 
on a 24 hour high. enlightenment is my current emotion. i finally feel normal. in living my life in today. i walked 3 miles this morning. music pulsing against my ear drums. creativity is flowing through my blue blood veins. silver bullets of thought sent through electret shocks in my gray matter. a true sense of self. i can finally breathe with the thought of overwhelming self love. munching on cherrios. just finished my coffee. heart to heart speaking with my grandmommy. i am a free bird. flying so high. my inner discovers are acceptance and understanding. the daughter of a junkie. no. not that. the daughter of a brilliant women. raised in shitty beauty. grateful for the history woven into every particle of this amazing body. i am a free bird. choosing freebirth of myself. being able to shed the fear. the worry. the anxiety. and giving birth to this new life. i am just a free bird. discovering my wings. of how high i can fly. because the sky isn't the limit anymore. but farther into the universe. and a woman child can change her stars. Monday, July 28, 2008 7:55 PM - survivor. Current mood: rebellious a battle of strength. of beauty. and most of all. of the blessed. we push ourselves. we force ourselves. not knowing if we are going to fall. or if we are going to fly. pride boils deep. stomach to mind. churning of the bile. let me mentally purge. you are gone. hurt is gone. devious is not the child in me. but I shall not be buried deep. i shall not fall to my scratched up knees. i know now that i am safe. as i look at your burnt face i feel as if i am looking at a miserable. you are pathetic. you. are. nothing. i can laugh now. laugh through the hurt. laugh through the pain. its all behind me. cause god gave me the strength of forgiveness. of sight. of the ability to know. i am safe. to know that you can't touch me. each and every word i spill. each piece of text i write. are all from the soul of a survivor. 1:44 AM - chomping away on ice. Current mood: angsty chomping on ice. to write is to live. i bury myself deep within my pseudo characters. based soulfully on their creator. mechanism to defuse the reality of one existence. grow up and no more make believe. but i shall grow up and make believe until the belief is true. one little girl stressed out to the brink. another little girl uncomfortable within skin. one little girl cries. while the other little girl becomes frustratingly angry. both little girls know. know what pain truly is. friends will never understand what its like to be fucked up so these little girls will not know what it is like not to resent them. instead one little girl buries her head in books. while the other little girl makes believe another scene. both strong. both amazing. both intellectual prodigies. to write is to live. i bury myself deep into my pseudo characters. laying still on this bed. aggressively chomping away on ice. Currently listening : Almost Lover Release date: 2008-03-25 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Wednesday, July 23, 2008 5:36 PM - steal this blog. (an excert from The Oleander Society’s Book of Secrets) Current mood: disgusted steal this blog. (exert from The Oleander Society's Book of Secrets) lies. deceit. a master disguise of illusion. failure to communicate. at break neck speeds. its all about hairstyles and attitudes. fairy tale princess and evil villains. make this story seem too easy to rewrite. cause lakes don't hide secrets (like knives and caves do) and bodies can be found. god is the only judge. and karma is a cafe. what is hidden can so easily be seen. originality screams unoriginal. stolen pieces of others. malicious. vindictive. just another word with a period. Currently reading : Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4) By Stephenie Meyer Release date: 2008-08-02 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Sunday, July 20, 2008 3:46 PM - bible verses. Current mood: loved "And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." ~Deuteronomy 31:8 I have been reading the bible. Weaving myself back between the protecting arms of my Lord. I've been having trouble. with finding God again. I wanna scream at my mother to shut the fuck up when she talks about him. Screaming. 'If he's so amazing. they why does little girls get touched by their supposed step daddies.' or. 'if he's so fucking brilliant. why does he give them drug addicts for parents.' but i know that is not right. God is amazing. and the things I have been through in my small amount of years. are trails and challenges. I think back on Job. he lost his whole life. but God gave it back to him so much more. my eyes opened wide. thinking on it. but my eyes opened wider. when my memaw talked to me. while sitting in the middle of a hot, summer kroger parking lot. top down. i figured i needed my god back. i needed that comfort to know i'm not alone. that someone is taking care of me. that i am still the wonderful child of god that everyone says i am. to god, i am perfect. i read the bible everyday. little pieces of knowlegde sparking brain waves. i collapse on my knees everday. knowing i can do it alone. it's hard. i am still working through everything. its painful. like getting millions of paper cuts between your fingers. except they are the inbetweens of your heart. i feel disgusted at reverting to what i was taught as a child. but i know that its not my fault. and i'm not alone. millions of other girls (and boys) know what i am going through. they understand how someone can feel so disgusted with themselves and their bodies. i even realized a pattern. i get on chat. to feel attention. to receive that affection. that i learned as a child. from fucking disgusting perverts. because that was what i was exposed to at such, a very tender age. its a parasite in my head. or i obsess over a girl. as part of the pattern. when i get infatuated then i don't go into a chat. both these vices are trying to fill a void in my petite body. the void in my chest. but not my heart. no my heart is protected by god. i need to learn not to need that type of attention. that type of affection. i get frustrated. i get hurt. and now i stop. i freeze. and talk to god. just me and god. chatting. conversing. i know when i am powerless over a situation. i know when to give it over. and god is there like a loving parent to help me. guide me. through my trouble. i learned that i have god with me. everywhere. i won't question him. i won't disengage myself. anymore. like a wayward teenager. i know god is taking care of me. god gives me streghth. i wouldn't have come this far. so far from death. so far from pain. hell. i wouldn't have been that twelve year old little girl. standing there in an too big t shirt. my hand on the door knob. quietly speaking up and saying 'no'. without god. god isnt watching over me. god is standing by my side. with his angels surrounding me. and jesus' hand on my shoulder. cause jesus knows my pain. he knows what how deep it is. he experienced it himself. being sacrificed on the cross. just for us. god gave me all this knowlege. all this streghth. all this love. the courage to forgive. the courage to forgive. maybe they were all right. ... i'm special. Currently listening : Almost Lover Release date: 2008-03-25 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Saturday, July 19, 2008 1:43 AM - unattainable. Current mood: creative i sit here and continue the awful phase of yearning for something i cannot grasp. reality settles deep the fact that princesses are unattainable hasn't hit me fully. so. instead. i am grasping onto the useless hope of burning touches and tantalizing kisses. Currently listening : Holly By Justin Nozuka Release date: 2008-04-15 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, July 15, 2008 7:29 PM - can’t alice have her break. Current mood: disgusted i am tired. drained. i barely trust anyone. only a select few. few being one. i am so proud of who i am. but disgusted at the same time. i fall. and fall. and fall. alice falling down the rabbit whole. i was already here. this falling part. but i guess i have to redo the journey. maybe i missed something maybe i didn't catch onto the stories told or the analogies the caterpillar spoke. maybe i need to redo this journey to become more. i need to understand that i will let some go. at least not hold them close anymore. i need to understand new people will come. it's their time. my heart is sunken. torn at my mind. reverting back to childhood teachings. it never leaves. maybe this journey into wonderland will teach me how to relearn. i need self control. i have it. i'm just tired. drained. can't alice have her break. Currently listening : Holly By Justin Nozuka Release date: 2008-04-15 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Thursday, July 10, 2008 8:00 PM - vomiting the words of one pissed off little girl. Current mood: rejuvenated i don't know how to write it. i can't express what i need to express. i'm angry. i'm hurt. i am lonely. i want to scream. i want to push. i want to fight. i'm one pissed off little girl. have you ever felt like you wanted to die? have you ever been abused? have you ever experienced true, deep pain? i think you fucking haven't. so stop being a bitch. whining about stupid ass shit. and lying. i fucking hate when someone disobeys my trust. fuck that. i don't need that. no what i needed was support. when i felt like shit. when my mother was in jail. fuck this shit. i'm so wound up. so tight, ready to recoil. i need to expel this bile of built up disgust. i need to stop holding back. and throw it all up. vomiting the words of one pissed off little girl. ......... Hopefully I'll be writing more on here now.
  3. masturbation chat.

    words don’t wanna come. but here she sits. the screen luminous on her face. helpless hopes coming unanswered. these words aren’t coming. but I indeed am. lets sit here upon hours chatting away. masterbating into another day. a guilty pleasure. no this shouldn’t cause guilt. but lets blame the childhood. for another mishap impression. that the childhood past. leaves on it’s future.
  4. Natural Highs.

    Natural highs ~a mass email~ 1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer 11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry). 12. A bubble bath. 13 . Giggling. 14. COO OF A NEW BORN BABY 15. The beach. 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter. 17. Laughing at yourself. 18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you 19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS 24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 28. Playing with a new puppy. 29. Having someone play with your hair. 30. Sweet dreams. 31 Hot chocolate. 32. Road trips with friends. 33. Swinging on swings. 34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 35. Making chocolate chip cookies. 36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 37. Holding hands with someone you care about. 38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 40. Watching the sunrise. 41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 42. Knowing that somebody misses you. 43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
  5. enter introductions here.

    So my words aren’t perfect And my heart isn’t gold My smile is crooked And my eyes are dull These words are meaningless Without the proper notation But innuendos and sad wordplay Will never get across These emotions of feelings That I wish to portray My blogging experience used to be high and flowing with amazing words that confessed my deeper inner musing, but since I took an absence from blogging I don't know if I can get back into it like I did. My ex-girlfriend hated my blog and discouraged me from writing in it saying that I just needed it for attention. I really don't think the fact that I wrote in a blog to get things off my chest was for attention. But her silly little accusations stuck with me and discouraged any type of blogging (video, audio, or written) to come out. The result? Bottling everything inside. I felt the first entry of this blog was to introduce me and my story to everyone. The simple basics are that I am a 18 year old surviver of childhood sexual abuse and incest. You can call me Valentine or V and I tend to have a positive/optimistic outlook on life. There has been so much I have been put through, from sexual to emotional abuse to having an addict as a parent and being diagnosed with various mental disorders, but that doesn't mean that it is going to hold me back or prevent me from being the person that I want to be one day. I love who I am. So, what's my story? I'll tell you. Now that you know a little bit about me. Sit back. Relax. And let me fill your sensory with my words, video, and energy. I hope to teach as well as be taught. ily. Valentine.