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About suzystillindarkness

  • Birthday April 11

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  1. Hugs, honey. I know it's difficult to stop bad habits. I certainly have enough of my own. But the bleach on your skin is not so good. Can you maybe try to dilute it to wean yourself off? And maybe use some moisturizer afterward? You ARE worth it and you are NOT dirty.
  2. Large crowds of strangers - I always think about how many sexual predators/abusers there are amongst us Young girls - I envy their seeming innocence and wonder how many of them are being abused Photographs of children in public forums, such as a newspaper - I think about how many perverts are cutting out their photos to add to their collections His name His wife Christmas, because that was always a "special" day for me This forum
  3. My best friend told me that she would totally understand if I killed my abuser, and she would stand by me if it came to that. She also said that she fantasizes telling him off and/or killing him herself. She has also said that at my funeral, if I haven't yet found the courage to expose him, that she would, loud and clear. Another good friend has told me that I can call her anytime if I ever need to talk. And she means it. I think she knows how close I've come to going postal. She has also told me how much she admires me, what a wonderful person I am to her, and how much she values our friendship. Example: I was staying over at her house recently and she was explaining that she had a lot of computer equipment in her living room and to be careful. I assumed she was worried about me damaging her equipment, but she said, "I have have lots of equipment but only one Susan." Wow. She was worried about ME.
  4. Unfortunately, I also "deserve" to be here. I don't want to be. But I am.
  5. It's so weird to me that my sister, who endured much of what I went through with the same man, has a "Get over it" attitufe and has NO understanding of my pain and why this still affects me so much. Then again, she doesn't have a lot of insight into her early adult life choices, either. Plus, she became a cop, so she has an excellent outlet for her residual anger, whether she knows it or not. I am a primary sufferer; she is a secondary me.
  6. rubyslippers hit on a lot of mine I drink too much, smoke too much, seclude myself whenever possible, have a GREAT poker face (in fact, the more I'm affected emotionally by something, the less likely I am to show it), I watch too much TV while not really paying attention to any of it, I'm on the computer a lot, I immerse myself in work. And yet, it always there. I avoid seeing my abuser. Yes, he's still out there, living a pretty good life. Sometimes I fantasize about killing him, painfully. I have to see him tomorrow night for the first time in 2.5 years. He'd better hope I keep it together.
  7. I love the "friends" who dig for details about my experiences, as if somehow this will help THEM better understand it. Maybe it would, but I doubt it. No one who hasn't endured it can seem to understand how childhood experiences can color and affect your entire life, and your subsequent choices.