kjblue

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About kjblue

  • Rank
    My friends call me blonde...
  • Birthday 06/25/1978

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    http://

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Illinois, USA
  1. I guess reminders like this are needed but I am still always amazed when a thread comes out like this, it never occurs to me to complain about a new guideline or board change, as much as I feel I am a part of this board I still know my place. I think (and trust) those who have taken on the immense responsibility of maintaining this board to make the correct decisions regarding the board. (and for what it's worth my trust here has never been misguided) Bottom line is I have been here for quite a while now, logging in almost every day, and never have I felt a decision was made hastily or without good reason. Some decisions may seem foreign or scary at first, but be patient, becuase at least here we know those in charge are truly looking out for us. Kolee
  2. Wow, I just came across this and I am just taken a back (in a good way). This is so what I want in my life, to just talk about it when I need to, to be able to say the words, share my story, explain my triggers, to know that someone in real life cares enough about me to not just walk away when the conversation gets 'messy'. Thanks for posting this, I printed it out and will go back to it very often in the next few days, just to dissect and digest it more. Thanks again, Kolee
  3. Just wondering, when was the board born, does it have an anniversary or a birthday we could all celebrate? Curious! Kolee
  4. The last few times I have come to the site, the first page, before the terms and conditions page there is the word "Mirror" in the top left hand corner, I can click on it, though it does nothing. Has any one else noticed it, and do we know what it means? Thanks!
  5. Duh, that's all it was. Funny it never even dawned on me to check my settings. Thanks, all better now! Kolee
  6. When I logged in today it showed that my last visit was 11:55 pm yesterday, actually I logged out about 5pm central time and hadn't been back until just now. So based on timezones and everything, is this correct, or should I be concerned that someone has logged in as me? Kolee
  7. SELF ESTEEM 1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes 2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Usually 3. I feel ashamed. Usually 4. I'm different from other people. Always 5. I feel powerless. Sometimes 6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Always 7. I want to die. Sometimes 8. I want to kill myself. Sometimes 9. I hate myself. Sometimes 10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Sometimes 11. I don't deserve to be happy. Usually 12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Usually 13. I'm often confused. Usually 14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Usually 15. I'm scared of success. Rarely 16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Sometimes 17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Usually 18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes 19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Always 20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Rarely MY FEELINGS 1. I don't think feelings are very important. Rarely 2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Sometimes 3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes 4. I only experience one or two emotions. Sometimes 5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Always 6. I have a hard time crying freely. Always 7. I cry all the time. Sometimes 8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Always 9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes 10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes 11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes 12. I get depressed a lot. Usually 13. I have a lot of nightmares. Usually 14. I have panic attacks. Usually 15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Always 16. I've been violent. Rarely 17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Rarely MY BODY 1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually 2. I frequently space out. Usually 3. My body often feels numb. Usually 4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Sometimes 5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes 6. I think my body is ugly. Always 7. I hide my body. Always 8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never 9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Usually to Always, it depends on the triggers around me 10. I often eat compulsively. Never 11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes 12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Sometimes 13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Always 14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Rarely 15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Rarely, haven’t seen a doctor in a really long time though 16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Always 17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Always INTIMACY 1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always 2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Always 3. I don't have many friends. Always 4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Not sure, I am not in a relationship 5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always 6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Always 7. I don't know what love is. Always 8. I find it hard to trust people. Always 9. I think people are going to leave me. Always 10. I test people a lot. Sometimes 11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. I can nurture, but I can’t accept nurturing 12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Sometimes 13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Always 14. I have a hard time saying no. Always 15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Usually 16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Always 17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Sometimes 18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. I don’t have one so I am not sure 19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. I don’t have one so I am not sure 20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. I don’t have one so I am not sure SEXUALITY 1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Rarely 2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Never 3. I really think sex is disgusting. Sometimes 4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Rarely 5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Usually 6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Rarely 7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Usually 8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Always 9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Always 10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Usually 11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Sometimes 12. I've sold myself for sex. Never 13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Usually 14. I need to control everything about sex. Rarely, although I think I would feel safer if I did 15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Usually 16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Usually 17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Always 18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never, not aroused, but I am interested 19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Sometimes 20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Usually 21. I've sexually abused others. Never CHILDREN AND PARENTING 1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Sometimes, with kids I do not know 2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Sometimes, but not with my own daughter 3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Rarely 4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Sometimes 5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Sometimes 6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Rarely 7. I tend to be overprotective. Usually 8. I've successfully protected children. Sometimes 9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Rarely 10. I have abused children. Never 11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). Never, thank god MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN 1. I have strained relationships with my family. Always 2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) Always 3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Usually 4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Usually 5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Sometimes 6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Always 7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Always 8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Always If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today. 1. When I look over my responses, I feel... overwhelmed, like there is little hope for me at this point, like there is so much I need to do to make myself better and I will never accomplish it all. 2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... I think sexuality and my body issues are the ones that bother me the most, but I think that the family issues are the root of my hurt but I am still not ready to really acknowledge that. 3. I was least affected in the areas of... eating habits, I think for the most part I have maintained healthy eating habits with only short terms of starvation and dieting. 4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... about my sexuality, I am so ashamed of everything connected to m y sexuality 5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... I am not sure 6. I already made major strides in the following areas... 7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... 8. I was surprised by... 9. I learned... I couldn't finsh the last few statements, I could not think of one truthful thing to say. Kolee
  8. Same troubles here, I signed the TOS, I promise I did, but I can only see public. Kolee
  9. Name - Kolee Age - 25 Height - 5'6" Weight - 130 Hair color - blonde Eye color - blue 1.LIVING ARRANGEMENT Old Victorian home with my 5 year old daughter 2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Mystic River 3.WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A picture my daughter made of an angle and the wings are made out of her handprints, very cute! 4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? No board games for me, I like Texas Hold’em Poker, but favorite board game to play with my daughter – Scooby Doo, Get that Ghost 5.FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Lucky, I like to dream that someday I could afford really cool clothes like the ones in there. 6. FAVORITE SMELLS? Lilies, hydrangea, cookies in the oven, spaghetti sauce simmering 7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS? Corned beef and cabbage, I love the Irish but I could definitely do without that! 8. FAVORITE SOUND? My daughter’s laugh when she gets the giggles 9.WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? When I screw something up and the panic of trying to fix it before everyone finds out, I hate screwing up! 10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? ”Already?” 11. FAVORITE COLOR? Different shades of blue 12.HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? About 3, but usually I just let the machine get it. 13. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Pari or Lily for a girl, Jack for a boy 14.WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? My daughter without question 15. FAVORITE FOODS? Pizza, steak, chocolate chip cookies, really good crab cakes, chicken alfredo 16.CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate 17.DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Not extremely, usually just about 10 miles over the limit 18.DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No 19. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Depends on my mood and if I have to go out in them 20.WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Plymoth Reliant, white and ugly 21.IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Jim Morrison 22. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Vodka and Tonic made with Grey Goose vodka, or Amstel Light 23. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Cancer 24.DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? No, I don’t eat broccoli period 25.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Architect 26. YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOUR? Strawberry blonde 27. IN LOVE? No, but I dream of it 28.IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? I try to be a half full kind of girl but it gets tough somedays 29.FAVORITE MOVIES? So many to choose from, Terms of Endearment, Carlito’s Way, Leaving Las Vegas, Bridget Jone’s, School of Rock (I know sounds stupid but it was fun!), The Royal Tennebaum’s…. 30.DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Possibly at times, but I have to look occasionally 31.WHAT'S UNDER YOU BED? Clothes, shoes, and a knife, just makes me feel safer. 32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? I switch between 8 and 9, I have no reason for it though 33.FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? American Football 34. FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTISTS? Tori of course, John Hiatt, Beck, Outkast, Jimmy Buffett, Bob Marley, BB King, Howard & the White Boys 35.FAVORITE TV SHOWS? ER, Friends, L&O Spec. Victims, and oh god I am embarrassed to say – Young & the Restless 36.FAVORITE CITY? I never go anywhere, but I guess Chicago 37.NAME OF FIRST PET? Two at the same time: Major, a big yellow German Shepard who barked at anyone who touched me and pulled me on my sled, and Tomas, a big tomcat who let me dress him in my doll’s dresses and never scratched me. 38. FAVORITE SONG? Too many to say, but I love "Winter" by Tori, currently my fav. Tori song and I think I’ll leave it at that cause I could go on and on. 39. FAVORITE ACTOR (male & female) Clint Eastwood, Renee Zellweger, again I could choose a lot more but then I will be here all day!
  10. Just thought of something- I am constantly telling my 5 year old to use her words. When she doesn't get her way or has troubles she always goes right to the whining and crying and sometimes screaming. I tell her to use her words to get what she needs, maybe I should listen to my own advise for a change. Funny the things that you do that you don't even realize. -Kolee (Okay I am a posting machine today! I am just all over the place.)
  11. Jes- I know for me, the whole idea of ridicule is what stops me alot of times from expressing my feelings. In reality I know that I will not be ridiculed here, it is just hard to break from what I have known for so long. Being a survivor of both verbal and sexual abuse from my dad I was taught through his actions that what came from my mouth was stupidity and worthless. I have become stronger, I am able now to express my feelings at times, but there are still days where intimidation takes over and I am not brave enough to say anything at all. And yes I would love to be stronger, braver, have more confidence in my words, I am just not always sure how to accomplish that. Sometimes it is just so much easier to be silent than to put yourself out there and run the risk of critism or rejection, but then no one ever said healing would be easy! I also just want to say that I think both the Hugs in Replying thread and the More Dialogue Within Posts thread are wonderful, very thought provoking and I think at least for myself they have helped me to open up more and be more comfortable. It is almost like everyone had an opinion but no one had ever known it until now! -Kolee
  12. Answers my question, thank you, I didn't know that only mods could start a post there. All makes sense now. Thanks alot, I confuse easily sometimes, it is the blonde in me crying out!!!! -Kolee
  13. I just recently tried to post something there and it said I am not authorized, I can post a new topic in My Voice, or really anywhere else, except for where it say Public? Am I not registered right? So confused, thanks for any light you could shed on this! -Kolee
  14. I realize this is kind of a cold topic as of late, but I think I might have something to gain for myself by answering them (and being honest). Thank you for posting these. 1. Were you silenced by someone? How? I was silenced constantly by my father and his hatred and anger towards me. I was so scared, he didn't have to say a word and I just stayed quiet. I still am silenced by him if I am being completely honest with myself. And I have been silenced by the man who raped me as an adult, fear of him has kept me quiet (everywhere but here) 2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) No I have only told a select few and they have been as supportive as they know how to be. 3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) I tried to kill myself at 13, but my father stayed right next to my hospitol bed so I was never able to tell anyone the real reason I had done it. I was also diagnosed with an ulcer at 12, I don't remember anyone asking me why I was so nervous and worried. Now I don't eat, but no one seems to notice that either really. I really think there has been a difference in my attitude the past 4 months since my recent rape, but no one has seemed to notice that either. I think in a way I want people to notice, I want someone to help. 4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? I think that until you can heal and love yourself, relationships are going to be extremely difficult to sustain and enjoy. 5. How do you see yourself now? Anger and resentful, confused by unclear memories. Sad, scared and desperate most days. Sometimes I have a moment or two where I know that I will get through this all, these are the moments that keep me going. 6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? 7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I don't trust others or myself. I am afraid of men, very afraid, I hate being alone with them, even just in an office at work I get freaked out inside. I try to trust myself, but I often don't trust my feelings of others, I have judged people very wrong in the past and now it is so hard to trust my gut feelings anymore. -Kolee
  15. (((sweetness))) Can't believe it, that is exactly what I was asked, first guy I actually attempted to tell about the rape asked if "I was at least attracted to him a little bit." In his defense he apologized almost immediatley after saying it knowing how terrible it was. But I was still quite shocked. Oh and my dad, he once asked "Can we get past all this hatred?" I can't even comment on that one. -Kolee