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About Rasja

  • Birthday 03/10/1974

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    Kids, Wicca, Reading, Crafts, Computers
  1. What is it you love?

    I've struggled all morning getting up out of bed. It's been a while since I've done that. After going through my normal (for a morning like this) routine of "You aren't worth anything!" I make myself get up, and I'm left with this question "What makes you happy?". I mean, if I'm going to lye around moaning that I'm not happy, that I need something different, what is the different thing that would make things better? What is it I need to be happy? Is is a man? More time with my kids? More money? A better car? A better job? I mean seriously, I'm trying to figure it out. All those suggestions sound so hollow except the one about my kids, and even then they are getting older and are out more, so that seams selfish. What makes any of us normal? What is normal? Maybe this hollow ache that I feel is normal, and the rest of the 'apparently' happy people just don't talk about it. What is a normal day? Does it have to be happy to be normal? Is normal relative to what you know? If that is the case, then normal can be pretty shitty from my experiences. And there I touch on it. My experiences. Maybe what I need is for what happened to not have happened. Maybe then I would feel 'normal'. But I can't change that. It's a part of me and my identity that I don't want. It's a very bad horrible part that just won't go away. I can try to deal with it. I can try to make peace with it. But it will always be there. It will always be a part of my past that hurts like hell to talk about. It will always be something that will make some people run and scream, or make rude comments. Ts say to not let it define you. That you are something other than what happened to you. How can a major event in your life not help define you in some way? How can it not be a part of you? How can something that changes your views on every single thing in your life not be a part of you? Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe just tired. Because some sick sobs decided they wanted something no matter the cost, I'm still paying the costs. I can cry that it's unfair, and that would be true. I can say it wasn't my fault, and that would be true. But I'm still paying the price, and probably always will in some way. Talk about unfair.
  2. Thinking it over

    Ok, I've known that I've had a tendency for dominate men of the bad variety. Tonight for the first time I've really linked all of that with my abuse. I mean, actually seen it in my mind. The circle of it. I know who I identify my ex-boyfriend with. It was my last abuser. The one who played the horrible mind games that would just tear up everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. Part of me just wants to transfer all that anger from the last abuser to the ex-boyfriend. I don't think that's fair, or healthy, so I'm trying not to. I worked on confronting my eating disorder. I am working on it everyday. Reassuring myself everyday. It seems silly at times, but I feel that it is helping, at least for now.
  3. My weird self

    This morning I woke up worrying that I would loose my mind. Literally. I'm afraid that all this PTSD stuff will take it over and I will be left a drooling lump of a body. That's not a good thought. I also fought with myself about logging on here. I'm afraid of needing something, anything. I don't know why I'm so afraid of that. Maybe that would be a good topic starter. "Why am I afraid to need anything". we can only see how it goes.
  4. Yeah for me!

    I talked to a physician today, and it went really well. I'm glad I found this doctor. He really seamed to understand me. I've started on some new medicines, and we will see how they go. It felt nice because I spoke up for myself. I told him (which he actually helped me put my feelings into words) how I was feeling, and how medicines before made me feel. He took all that into consideration before he he asked me what I thought about certain ones. Then we decided together. It was SO empowering to be an active part in this. I'm happy, even with the stress of going to the doctor and telling him everything that has happened.
  5. Better than yesterday

    I feel better than yesterday. Still I'm shaky. I didn't go to work. I couldn't emotionally face it. There are too many stresses there. I have to heal just a little inside before I can face it all. I hope it's not too selfish to take one day.
  6. Helpless

    I feel helpless and alone. I don't have someone to hold me and tell me that it will be ok. I'm starting to go down the road of depression yet again. Why can't my life stay on track? Why am I such a looser that I feel that I can't handle this?? I know I should reason myself out of this, but sometimes the reasons why I'm not a looser just won't come. I don't know what to do.
  7. Another step

    I showed my best friend my story. It went really well. Another step down.
  8. Thank you! I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I'm kinda proud too.
  9. Yeah

    http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=84280 There. I did it. I posted my story.
  10. Blah

    It's the night before my surgery to remove my gallbladder. I've had a heck of a week. I experienced triggers, chatted in the chat room, used a guy for what I wanted, felt lower than low, and now am back to a slightly nervous stage. I feel confident about the surgery, but a little apprehensive. I am able to sometimes look at how I'm feeling and identify the root of it. That in it's self seems like a miracle. I cried the other night, and the reason really astounded me, but looking back I wonder why I had never identified this feeling before. I was morning the loss of the little girl that I was before the abuse started. I sometimes think that every time it happened, that the me at that time died. What amazes me is how did I keep being "reborn" if I died. I know it's a metaphor, but it SO fits how I feel. I mean, every time I was touched, molested, degraded, or tortured, I think at least a part of me died. Then I feel angry that it happened. Why did those bastards get to do that to me? Why me?? What did I do to deserve to it??? I know I didn't in my heart, but that doesn't stop the questions from coming up. I never would have thought that I still have so much anger in my life. I'm tired of the anger. I'm tired of the hurt. I think they both will always be there in some form, but I can't wait to get them down to a non-starring role!!! Right now is just such a confusing time. It's weird, but I think it's the time after this surgery that I will be alone with my thoughts that scares me the most. I won't be able to do much more than think. It's so much easier to just fill my life with so many things to do that I can't think. But after all this time, I think I'm ready to stop taking the easy way out.
  11. Proud of me!

    I registered here to help me find my voice. I think it has already helped. I shared with my best friend and adoptive mother that I joined this group. It was so nice to hear them say that they are proud of me for it. I read posts tonight and commented. Then I was crying and couldn't really put my finger on why. I just hung out in the chat room until I quit crying. I think it helps just knowing that other people are talking about what happened to them. I don't feel so alone.