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About eia.baby

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  • Birthday 06/13/1990

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    Long Island, New York
  1. April 09

    Today was ok. I'm trying to decide where I want to go with my eating disorder. I can either continue gaining more and more weight, not purging and barely restricting, or I can start to purge again. I want very much to purge again. I miss the release. I need it. I miss the taste of starvation and I miss feeling a little lighter after not eating for a few days. I don't know. I honestly think I'm falling backward, and I don't really want to do anything about it. Prom is coming up, so is the summer. I can stand to lose 100+ pounds. I'm not ready for recovery. We'll see. I am very confused. My therapist made me feel guilty. She was so proud of me from going from 13 times a month to just purging once a month, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I want my ED back full swing, maybe worse. I am sick. (Only a sick mind WANTS their ED back. Maybe he never left?)
  2. April 07

    Today, I came home from school early. One panic attack, 2 "get over it"'s, and quite a few tears later, I've talked to my therapist who is worried that home alone all day is a bad idea, yet sure that I'll be ok because I convinced her I will be. I am planning on focusing on being healthy. This is the first time I'll be home, by myself in MONTHS, so I'm looking forward to crying, thinking, talking to my cats, and generally being "good." I'll even eat. I've come to accept that I can't function the way I am. The girl who was once addicted to Law and Order: SVU now gets panicky at the sound of a *doinkdoink* but that doesn't mean I'm a different person. I am strong. I am a survivor. I am NOT a victim. I will be ok. I just have to take it one day at a time, and today's "day" will be spent at home, trying to think of what happened to me in a different light. Rather than as a vic, as a stronger-than-them survivor. I just hope I am half as strong as my T says I am. [[Gosh, that all sounds detached. I mean it, though. I truly am trying, and I am prepared to fail...not that I'm planning on failure.]]
  3. April 06

    The other day, I shared my story on the board and I can't stop thinking about it. I've been having nightmares more vivdly and I am easily triggered by anything in my environment- I can't listen to the radio because most of the songs make me cry. My grandmother keeps making me watch Law and Order: SVU and I keep having panic attacks because I can't take it. I don't want to be touched- I'm usually ok, and now every time my sister even looks at me, I jump. I feel like by sharing, I'm opening up, getting better, but at the same time, I'm getting worse. My father kept commenting on my chest size and I felt vulnerable and naked and disgusting; usually I just shrug it off. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm a walking time bomb. I'm angry and lashing out and I can't control it. I can't call my T because she doesn't want me to think about it. I can't help but think about it! It's everywhere I am and it won't leave me alone! I don't know what I'm doing. My eating disorder is attacking me from the inside and everything I eat "should" be purged. (I haven't purged, but I almost know I will.) I don't know what I'm doing. [[Also posted in myvoice]]