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About woundedsamarai

  • Rank
    some scars never heal...
  • Birthday 02/22/1983

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  • Location
    Osaka, Japan
  • Interests
    learning 日本語 and swimming, gym, photography, painting, shuji, and travel.
  1. long time

    i seem to only come here when i need help. i realize that's not the best. i disappear when things start to be more cheery. i was living in japan, but now i'm now. i returned to my home country and am utterly unhappy. i'm considering returning to japan in the summer. i'm looking for options. i've wanted to start a phd program, but not sure if i can hold it all together. i've lost myself in education and have never truly developed. i've kept myself busy b/c it hides the pain. it seems my rape and abuse come up more when i'm depressed. culture shock has many deep depressions. i've also tried dating recently. intimacy also brings up issues. i still can't bring myself to be sexual. even kissing bothers me. i'm 26 years old. i wish i was "normal." I realize it's an illusion we all chase, thinking it actually exists, but it's weird to think how different i'd be if i wasn't me. i've never not dealt with anyone's pain. i was abused when i was 7. i tried to push and move on. i did a good job until it all came flooding back in college. religion was my cloak. then i realized i'm bisexual. i came out. i was kicked out my church and lost what little connection i had with my family. now they offer me superficial "love" and pressure me to "be happy like i once was." it's sad they don't realize the truth. i've shared with them the truth, but they don't understand. their culture prevents that. i'm now in a new land. i've never lived in this part of the world. i'm more foreign in my home country than i am in another land. i decided to move come summer. i can't stay here. it's too small, dark, and cold. i may return to japan, but don't want to take a step back. perhaps that's my culture talking, but i feel i should do something new before i can go forward. i'm close to snapping, more than i have ever been before. i fear irresonspibility and thus am too responsible. i'm tired of it. i'm so so tired. i'm tired of having it all together. i'm perfect on paper and in real life. yet i'd love more than nothing to just crawl into a ball and no longer care about my being the nice guy, career, finances, body, eating right, or working out. i'm tired and i want to quit. i wish vacations were possible from one's self. i desperately need it and fear of acting out
  2. wtf

    wtf? why are you trying to find out my abuser? that was almost 20 years ago. why do you even care? It didn't make me gay - stop looking for answers in all the wrong places. You may have guessed correctly, but I'll never tell you. it pisses me off you're being fake nice to me. you don't care about me. you don't love me. stop acting like it. i'm not going to move in with you just to save money and return to my home country. i'd rather stay here where i'm happy and away from your shit.
  3. another day

    I’m angry this morning. Maybe it was the dreams. Life would be better without s. I hate it. I wish it never existed. Why does it have to existed? Why do I exist this way – why was I created this way? I hate it. If I could trim it off like fat on a steak I would gladly throw it away. I can’t. I try. It doesn’t work. I’m self defeated. I work out. I run. I eat. I eat some more. I eat too much. I run. I hate myself. I do this or that. I pretend I’m someone else. Moving won’t change a thing. It won’t change me. I was improving at least I thought I was. There’s not a day that goes by thwere I don’t think about it. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating. It’s suffocating. I’m not me. I never have been. I won’t be. Nothing is real. It’s all false. It’s a false me that was created because of it. I hate it. I wish it were dead. Sometimes I wish I were dead so it could stop, but I don’t really want that. I love life. I’m happy to live, see, breath. I realize how fragile it all is. Each new sickness I realize my days on earth are short b/c that’s how God makes us. To live for a season and then die. Why did our maker make us s? I hate that. I wish it never existed. If removing an organ would remove it I would. But that won’t change anything. It won’t change how I feel. It won’t change my damaged insides. I dreamed of my friend who forced me to m. I’ve always pretended that didn’t happen – as if he hand didn’t grab my equipment and I couldn’t push him off. I tried. I didn’t want it but I did. He told me I was getting it b/c it had gone too far. He didn’t stop until… you know. I can’t believe I’m writing this. These are inside thoughts which shouldn’t be let out. I pretend I’m not human, but I am. My hands/arms whatever hurt from typing. I hate what you did to me. I hate you. I also love you. That’s what’s disgusting.
  4. dream stuck

    i'm realizing lately i feel stuck in my head - it's as if i'm awaking from a dream but not fully awake. it's been a year and a half since my last attack. i have no one to talk to about it. the people i want to talk to about it i don't. they are halfway around the world and don't see it fitting. those i thought i could talk to i couldn't or don't trust like i did. it's weird to be in a spot where i'm my only interaction. it goes beyond the date rape and i wonder more and more if i was drugged. i know i drank a lot and i've never drunk before or since but to go that black? i don't know... i guess i'm curious if anyone else feels caught inside their own mind. my personality has changed. i'm no longer the extroverted leader and it makes me sad. it makes me mad. i want to be me, but i can't. has any1 awakened from this bad dream? if so, how? i'm considering leaving my job in 6 months. that means i might be moving back to my home country. i don't know if this is the right decision. i just know i want change. biking home from the store tonight i realized staying here would be good for me in several ways - financially and it keeps me safe b/c sometimes i respond oddly when i'm going through the processing of the event and being alone keeps me safe from others or stops me from doing things when i'm not myself. that may not make sense - but i guess my entire life i've wanted to never settle for what's good in life - i want what's best. i don't know what's best for me now - however i think it involves getting out of this funk which i can't shake. anyone else been caught in a "dream"?
  5. s.i.d. confusion

    i think all of you confused me sexually. i don't know who i am or what i like. i try to be asexual.
  6. grr

    i dunno what set me off but something fuckin did - maybe i'm just tired. maybe i feel ugly. maybe i feel fat when i'm not b/c now i have body image issues. i'm pissed off. i can't swim. i can't do anything right. i'm not who i think i am. u changed my personality. i now hate myself. i knew it'd be freeing to run off that bridge, but not the answer. i'm tired of being so fucking responsible.
  7. heart

    i want to follow my heart but i don't know what it's saying - one thing i think is that i might be leaving japan to move somewhere else. it's not japan i want to leve, but my job and to leve my job means leaving japan. maybe it's time - it's been 2 years. my 2 year anniversary is approaching...well not until this summer - i hope i don't freak like i did last year. i felt so gross, was aroused constantly and couldn't sleep for nearly 3 months. i can't write anymore - i can't ever write my true self
  8. these days

    these last few days haven't been best, but i've chosen well. i got rid of the friend who wanted to be a sex friend. this means i'm alone. i haven't had conversation with anyone in a long time, luckily tomorrow i'll see a friend after class. it's harde living in another land, but it's rewarding. i realize i have nothing to go to anywhere. if school doesn't work out i might just stay here, but i'm not sure if that's healthy. i want stability of heart and mind, but i just seem to be loosing it more and more. i'm also tired of myself. all my stupid self responsibilities i impose. for what? time will tell.
  9. DIE

    i FUCKIN HATE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. ugh

    i was fine until you asked me how long my penis is. yes you're a middle school esl student and i'm impressed you knew how to say that in english - but still... something about it pissed me off. it's not you or your fault. it's me being fucked up. FUCKED UP. ugh. i can't take this anymore. i'm stressed now. i cancelled my class tonight. i'm at home. i have class tomorrow. i hate myself. i hate this. it won't end. it won't. people say it gets better w/ time but i just learn i'm more and more fucked.
  11. today

    today i want to die, but first i want to be beat. i feel i deserve it. i feel i deserve to bleed, to get hiv and then to slowly die. how awful is that? i know that's not true and i kjnow its not real - but its a feeling a deep dark feeling that comes over me like a shroud. it's evil. it's so evil. i don't want that.
  12. mad at u

    im mad that i told u i had fantasies of being raped which i hate. you shared this information with another. why did u do that?
  13. good idea bad idea

    im realizing gay relationships won't go anywhere. maybe my optimism is just running out and it isn' so. it just seems gay relationships can't go anywhere. i met someone today. he kissed me. it was nice. it was fast. he didn't even know my name. apparently i'm what he's looking for. he wants someone to hang out w/ to make out w/ to sleep with. i liked the attention. i'm lonely. he's hot. i couldn't believe someone like him would like someone like me. he's chinese. i'm american. we live in japan. nothing can work outside of our current situation.
  14. self hate

    i hate myself today
  15. more self-loafing

    i hate myself now. i've eaten when i wasn't hungry, but was sort of hungry to try to distract myself - even tried a movie. it worked until it stopped. i've had some bad thoughts lately. some really bad ones of what it'd be like to be beat, infected, and made bloody. i've thought about death and how that'd be a release, but how i'm more stubborn to win. i've thought about job changes and loss of friendships b/c i'm not straight. i've thought about a lot of things...