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About SlowFade

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  1. I was coming in to find out the same thing...maybe this is the downtime?
  2. I've been called many names in my life and accused of being certain ways. One word that has never come up in either connotation is "shallow". I know how to be silly and have a good time but I am a DEEP thinker when situations arise. That leads me to the current issue at hand. Almost 11 years ago, I left NC with absolutely NO intentions of EVER setting foot back in the state. A little softening happened in my heart (and a lot of guilt) and I relented a bit, just to never return to the town where I grew up. Except for 2 times over the past 11 years I have kept that. Sept of 07' I was already IN NC again, actually preparing to leave, when a medical crisis came up. It's now January of 2009 and leaving NC is not particularly high on the list of achievable goals in my near future, due to many things...including a situation I never ever saw coming. See, after my *mother* remarried, I gained 4 more siblings; three sisters and a brother. Currently, all are married and have families, so I'm an aunt ten times over. In the past almost year and a half I have re-gained relationships with my siblings and have become a very hands-on aunt. It's great, it really is (you feel a 'but' coming don't you? Smart reader) BUT there is quite a bit of drama. You see, my mother and I are constantly at odds. It has been that way since I was 19 and I'm almost 32. Fun times. *NOT* There is this pesky matter of my having been born with a birth defect and her having serious hangups about that, which dominates our every interaction. I was talking to the sister Amy who is closest to me in age about our OLDEST sister Jenny and the conversation she and I had just after Thanksgiving. See, this time around, I have in effect, more to lose if I need to leave again. I did not have nieces and nephews the first time. None of us "kids" had any particular closeness to each other growing up, so I really didn't weigh that as a "consequence" of my leaving...after all, in MY mind they all KNEW what my mother was like in general but especially when it came to me. Looking back, I made a serious miscalculation when I thought they would understand that I was leaving to save myself and gain some control over what happened to me. I've been thinking about this for about 6 months I would guess, prior to Thanksgiving when I finally got the courage to talk to Amy. I told her that I was scared that when something happened to either her dad or my mother, that she, Jenny, Mari and Will could take themselves and their children out of my life and I would no longer be Aunt Lindsey. Amy told me that as far as she was concerned that would never happen because, "We've been family for 26 years and that isn't something you just walk away from." One sibling down, 4 to go. Mari isn't much for talking about dicey situtions so she sheepishly agreed with what Amy said. Two down. Jenny's reaction caught me offguard. "That is a valid concern because it could be a reality." WHAT?! "It takes 2 people to have a relationship, so when you left all those years ago, we all figured that you didn't want to be found or deal with us, so we never made any attempts. Now you're back and involved so we are as well." It did NO good to say to her, "Jenny, I didn't leave because of any of you. It was to separate myself from my *mother*. I had to get away." Jenny is the oldest of 6 and is somehow more blunt than I will ever be, yet tact is not in her nature. She gets her point across no matter how it comes out. This was definitely one of those times. I have been absolutely reeling, because at Christmas when we were drawing names, she made a point to pull out her phone and call our brother Chris, who lives in FL with his family. HE kept in less touch with them long before I ever dared leave and HE gets a call about whose name he drew? Where was MY call for the last 11 years? None of them were completely in the dark about where I was. It isn't like I was in the Witness Protection Program. Jenny talked about EFFORT, but it was MY EFFORT that they were waiting on, since it was MY leaving that caused this large rift to start with. I'm accepting of that responsibility, yet I'm still living in fear. I called last night and she called me back for a few minutes today so I got a dialogue started. She can 'decipher' what Jenny means so I can see beyond all the curtness and get the point. Amy seems to be aware of the fact that I left to distance myself from my *mother*, but she did point out that, "You also broke off contact with us." That is what I accept as their thought pattern, though I am trying to tell them the truth. As controlling and manipulative as my *mother* has always been, I had to make a decision that I now regret. All my life, she has been able to use the, "but she is my daughter and she has Spina Bifida..." speil to get people to betray my confidence. THEY do it because they are well meaning, but it doesn't matter. The end result is the same. She finds out whatever it is, bombards me with the fact that she knows it and gleefully tells me that I can't trust anyone because all she has to do is 'pull out the mom card". I know it isn't fair for people to be in the middle, so when I did something, I never told anyone that she could access. She would houndthem until they broke. I have actually had people tell me, "I can't be in your life and have you tell me things because your mother is just too relentless." I had to give the people in my life deniability or I would lose them. Many said point-blank SHE caused too much stress in their life because she was aware that I talked to them. I really believed I was doing what was best for my siblings by attempting to not drag them into the drama that has always been between my *mother* and myself. In the long run, it has backfired and they took it as rejection. It is odd that my actions that were supposed to be directed at my *mother* were taken to heart by people who were never supposed to be in the middle to begin with, while SHE totally disregarded everything because nothing applies to her. Everything is a double-standard. I have been typing for a very long time it feels like. It is getting late and I am nowhere near done so I will have to do it in parts. Next time, Part 2, her specific remarks to me about various things that have left me reeling...