• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

About EtreBienDansSaPeau

  • Birthday 08/09/1985

Contact Methods

  • Website URL

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
  • Membership Type
  • Location
    New Jersey
  • Interests
    Buddhism and yoga
  1. wake up

    I can't relax I can't think I can't sleep I'm just here, not completly aware either. I feel so sick. I feel nauses, but i don't have anything in my stomach to throw up. Just to sad to chew (thats sad) I feel like i am dissapearing, Most of me is already gone, but what is left is slowly decaying. I want to ***** all the time. I am supposed to call my T back but i can't. I can't talk. It makes my eyes well up. I rapitly losing control over my feelings, emotions, thoughts. I need help, i need so much help I wish she didn't kill me I wish I could really live I wish she loved me I wish this was dream please wake up please wake up PLEASE Please let my daddy still love me my mommy ever My Mom Mom still be here my brother never hurt me please wake up i need you to
  2. Dear Mom

    The river is not real, my mom didn't choke me, its all a medaphor for how i feel, i hope i am aloud to post this. i would really like your thoughts. Dear mom, You have me by the throat, your chocking me, it hurts, please stop, the harder the pull away the harder you hold on. Mommy why! I needed you, i needed you so badly. So hard! I looked you right the eyes and begged you, you looked through me. Right into my soul, you knew what i needed, you didn't care. You just smiled. Remember all those times you told me to drown in the tears i cried, well i did. I kept expecting you to pull me out, to save me, to hold me, to love me. You never did, you won't. You left me to drown, over and over again. The river got bigger, and deeper, even after he left, you didn't save me. You knew all the time, i was grasping for air, trying and trying to make it back. Everytime you pushed me deeper and into more dangerous waters. The waves kept going over my head. I screamed mommy please. I couldn't swim. You never taught me how. I'm still swimming trying to find my way home. I'm so far. I can't see land, i'm twisting and turning my head in all directions. I keep hoping i keep waiting, All the while you can see me struggling, screaming, drowning. You know you can save me, you won't. Since the day i was born you've been killing me. Pushing me, forcing me, hurting me. You never wanted me to live. You torture me everyday of my life. You watched me drown, you watched me die, your a murderer. You took my life! I gave you everything! I loved you! I gave you every oppertonity to love me back, to care. I took care of you! Your nothing! Do you understand what you did? no of course you don't, because your evil. Your sick, and your not my mother! I'm not your daughter. I give on you, just like you gave up on me so many years ago! I lothe you
  3. bad feelings

    The tears have stopped, the panic is still here. My hands, my heart, my face, my skin, its all broken. Will i be okay? can i be okay? I hate my mother, almost as much as i hate myself for letting her do this to me. I'm like shreded paper, i'm trying to tape all the peices back together, but everyone can see i'm not whole. There are peices i just can't find. I keep trying, keep searching. There are thousands, maybe millions. I can't find them. I'm sick of trying. The harder i search the more diffcult it becomes. My mom has some, so does he. I can't get them back. I can't be whole. They won't let me. All these peices, even if i was able to get them back, i still wouldn't be whole I'd still be torn, just taped. Everytime i find one peice another flies away. I never catch it. I can't, i'm so sick of chasing, running. So much is missing, so little is here. The little i have is black, stained. I can try and clean it, wash it, over and over. It'll always look diffrent, never clean, crisp, white.
  4. Running just as fast as i can

    I am running at top speed in the wrong direction. I can't turn back. They are going to hurt me, they haunt me, they control me. I am deathy afraid. This is the only way. My hands shake, my mind races, i can't sleep, i can't eat, so i'm running as fast as i can. It always worked for me. Please work, please stop chasing me. Please! Have mercy on me. I am so scared. I am so fucking scared!!!!
  5. God.

    What can i really say that i haven't already, just sad. always sad. tired
  6. No one..

    everything is going wrong with my world, and the people who control it. I have dictators, in Suzanne world, there is no safe haven, no happy memories, no mommies who love you, or daddies who don't abuse you. My world is nothing but bad memories, bad thoughts, flashbacks. My world, the phone can't ring with out me jumping through the ceiling, someone can't even walk in to the room with out be startle. My world, crying is more common than laughing, than smiling. I don't even no if this makes sense. I don't care.
  7. I woke up crying this morning

    I am still sad...going on six hours of feeling really down now, god, i was hoping something would of changed, at least some of the intrusive thoughts, i'm having an overload, its everybody that ever hurt me all compained in to one, i have a bad thought about my mom and than brother, than sister than mom than dad, it goes from one person to the next, it makes it worse, it makes you feel like if my own family can't be nice to me, or love me, maybe it is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I mean i am just so sick of feeling like this today! Its fucking annoying!
  8. i'm really really sad right now

    I don't really know what to say. I am sad. I want to cry. My stomach hurts, its filled with anxiety. I know i am going to have bad dreams about my mom tonight. I am going to take night quil or something so i can sleep! I'm really sad! bye
  9. I am sad

    Hmm..i don't know what to say. I am defentily feeling down, but I don't really know why. My feelings, my memories, my flashbacks, have been, just terrible lately. I am on a full mans dose of all my medication. It doesn't seem to be helping me... Well someday, i feel on top of the world and than i'm crash, and than there are days like today that i just feel like blah all day and than crash, but i don't ever happy or even okay all day long. I cry everyday. I have for a pretty long time. Heck, i'll start crying sometimes just because I relized that i didn't cry that day. I mean i am basket case. If I don't cry, i cry because I am afraid i am not crying because i am getting better, than that means i'm changing, and change really scares me! So no matter what, i seem to cry everyday, i cry if someone tells me i left the bottle of the coke, i cry if i break something, i cry when i throw up, i cry in the shower, i cry so much my eyes are actually chapped, if there is such a thing, they are really sore, i know that, god, its 10:00 and still no bryan. I hate this.
  10. you are so very special

    She is so very special, i am sad. I am not doing well at this moment, i was so upset i threw up. Orange juice throw up is pretty gross. It sure does not taste as good when its coming up. Yuk. I have to wonder if this is what life is, crying, and anxiety and depersion, what the point. I see so many trees out my window, they stand so tall, they don't have a thing to worry about, well exept being cut down, but at least its a quick death, not like this. This is slow. They can't cry. They grow new leaves, they have life all around them. They are so beautiful, people are in awe of them. There great. I am a bit of a tree hugger so i guess everyone doesn't understand this. I wish i was a big palm tree, living in california, feeling the hot sun on my leaves, people look up at me, they love me. They represent something, what do i? Nothing i assume.
  11. My day

    So i wrote this about a week ago, and i wanted to write this... I am sitting in starbucks finding it really hard to consintrate, There are 5 Catholic School Girls sitting inches from me, My hands are shacking, My heart is beating, I'm afraid. Why can't I be like everyone else, who sits here like normal people? I have a seriously mental illness, There 16-17 at the oldest; they’re no different than me. I'm shacking, I'm waiting for bry desperately, I can't read, I can't consintrate, I’m not thinking clearly, My mind is racing. I'm way to overwhelmed to feel safe. Bry please hurry. People are starting to surround me, More people keep coming, More RICH people. I feel like someone who just crawled out of a sewer sitting here trying to pass myself as a normal person, but I’m not. Everyone sees through me, I'm a freak, I want to crawl back in to the black whole where I belong, I'm scanning the room, like maybe if I keep looking around people will think I’m not completely pathetic, like I’m waiting for someone. I'm such a loser. I'm so small. I am shrinking. Why can't I run!! I'm so scared
  12. BMH

    I am sitting in Behavorial Mental Health, I am completly overwelmed, I don't feel okay, not at all. I was sitting in the back of BQ's car, I nearly had a panic attack, my knees are shacking, the music is making me tear up, i'm trying not to make a full out of myself. The thought of going to starbucks alone, it terrified me, even being here, with other "sick" people, i want to run out of this office. I need for friday to come, It's only Tuesday. I'm sick, i feel physically ill. My memories have taken over. My hands are shacking so hard, I don't want to be here. Dr. Phych scares me, I am terrfied, right now, nothing is working, I went into the bathroom, i am safe in there. My eyes are so sad. I'm so lonely yet can't take letting anyone in
  13. Things aren't well

    Today was my first day on Pandys. I am having a little bit of a panic attack, right now, I feel like i told people to much information. I feel like people are judging me. I feel so stupid for coming here! I am so stupid!! so fucking stupid!! I hate my life. I hate this! Why wont this stop! WHY CAN"T I BE OKAY!!!!
  14. nobody

    I am wondering if I am fixable, as of right now, i don't think so...i wish i was diffrent