holly

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About holly

  • Birthday 08/14/1983

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    VT
  1. Cold

    I have been having a miserable time lately.. I feel like so much stuff is going on and I don't know how to fix anything.. I live with my Gram to provide care for her and make sure all of the bills there are paid.. it is an 1800's farmhouse with poor insulation and after my grandfather's death and my Gram's last stroke and stomach surgery we had to take out a 10,000 dollar loan to make the house accessible for her- part of this meant taking out the wood stoves that used to heat the place and be used for cooking and heating water.. we now have a kerosene heater and a pellet stove for heat, but the pellet stove has never really heated the place well and now the motor on the auger that feeds the pellets is broke, so the stove doesn't work, and then last week our kerosene heater stopped working- we have been having issues with it since november when we got a delivery of kerosene that I think was full of water.. well last week I had 4 different people come to look at things, one put in a new fuel pump, then when it stopped working the next guy said it was because of water in the lines so he put in additives to dry up the water, when it stopped working again the next guy put insulation around the fuel lines and the oil company has said we need to have it pumped out, have the tank reset, and new kerosene delivered... this whole thing has been a mess and has cost us almost 900 dollars in fees just for people working on the problems and the heater is still not working.. we had the pellet stove guy let us borrow a different stove which gives us some heat, but not enough to keep an old 1800 farmhouse with poor insulation warm when it is -9 F outside.. it is miserable.. we are using space heaters too so our electric bill is going to be sky high.. My gram lives on a fixed income of about 600 dollars a month and our monthly bills are more than that, plus the tax bill for our home and land is about 4000 dollars a year.. which is why I live here because she can't cover the costs and she needs a lot of help to live independently..the whole thing is just feeling overwhelming though because I don't make that much (I work in the human service field) and I can't seem to keep up with the costs of everything.. On Monday we have a local weatherization program coming to look at the situation and see what they can do to help, which means I have to pretend not to live here because Gram would lose her medicaid if she had to count my income.. the whole system is so screwed up and I just feel like there is no solution and no way to make this bearable... I am so tired of being so cold all the time..
  2. Frustrated with myself

    I feel like I am constantly doing something to sabotage myself. I mean I have people in my life who care about me and who I think would support me in whatever way I needed them to, but I can't seem to let them. I keep pushing myself to work with my T who I have been seeing for over a year now, but yet I still find myself holding back a lot and not really letting her get too close. I worked really hard to lose almost a hundred pounds in the past and now I can't seem to get my eating under control and have gained back almost 25 pounds. I make all of these goals for myself and have these expectations for myself and yet I can't seem to live up to them. When I let myself down I end up hating myself even more and it feels like it validates all of the horriblethings they said to me during the abuse. I feel like they were right and I really am a pathetic, worthless, disgusting, unlovable, horrific person and if I am all of these things how can I expect anyone to ever really care about me and if I am never going to have someone really care about me then I will always feel this alone and miserable and that is a horrible feeling to have.
  3. Birthday

    So.. it was my 25th birthday yesterday. I am not a fan of birthdays.. usually end up feeling hurt and feeling like I am not where I am supposed to be in life. I actually had a pretty good day yesterday. I got texts, calls, and e-mails from almost all of my friends. I got taken out to several dinners this week and had a lot of people express how much they care about me. I am still struggling though.. I don't understand why they care about me and I don't feel worthy of it. I am also missing my grandfather like crazy. I don't get hugged much, come from a pretty non- touchy feely family, but my grandfather would always hug and hold me. On my birthday I got hugged tight by my cousin (who I adore and rarely get to see) and when she hugged me I nearly started sobbing because it had been so long since anyone had and now I am really craving that closeness and human contact. I miss my grandfather's hugs because he made me feel so safe and loved.
  4. Where is my life going?

    So.. my 25th birthday is next week and I am having a rather difficult time with that.. I have always struggled with birthdays, not entirely sure why. I feel like last year's was difficult because it was the first one without my grandfather and my gram had just come home from the hospital and her care needs were very intensive. This year it feels like so many changes have happened. My parents are in the process of getting a divorce, my brothers are practically grown and we aren't nearly as close as we used to be, my days are spent working and then taking care of my gram.. it just feels very surreal. I feel like I had all these things I wanted to get accomplished before I reached this age and I am no where near any of them. I thought I would be finishing grad school by now- I haven't even started. I don't know. I guess I just feel like I am falling behind and I also am not even sure what I want out of life at this point.
  5. A lot has changed

    I haven't written anything in this blog in almost 2 years.. it is weird seeing how much has changed. Right after I wrot my last blog entry my grandfather died. He died suddenly on oct 3, 2006. He was my support system, my security blanket, the thing that got me through all of the hard stuff- and the good. He lived less than 20 minutes from me, I saw him every day and practically lived at his house during school vacations. He was the one I called when I was sick, when my parents were fighting, when I was a mess. He was the one I called when my car broke down, when I was homesick at college, when I needed to know how much a cord of wood cost for one of my clients. He was such an amazing, wonderful man. My entire world shattered when he died. I thought that the abuse I had gone through was the worst thing I would ever have to experience, but losing him was a million times harder. I am just now starting to be able to talk about him and what he means to me. I still can't see his picture without feeling like my heart will break in half. I started seeing a T for the first time ever about 9 months after he died because I was afraid I would kill myself without help. It is a long process, but with the amazing support and help of a very good T I am starting to allow myself to work through the grief process and the issues surrounding the abuse. She has helped me see how my previous trauma and PTSD has made losing him a million times harder because he was that one person I knew I was safe with, knew loved me unconditionally, and knew I could depend on to be there- when he died, especially because it was so sudden it was like a whole new trauma and I went into extreme grief, then into shock and survival mode which led to compounded grief and an increase in the PTSD. Anyways... a lot of rambling, but basically the last year and half have been both incredibly challenging and also hugely beneficial. I can see myself working towards becoming a healthier person, even though the daily struggle is still very hard. I am going to make a conscious effort to journal here more often and if anyone ever reads these entries please drop me a line or pm me- I would love to make some connections with people. Take care!
  6. Emotional mess

    (written on 10/1/06 kept as draft until today- 8/4/08) It has been so long since I've written anything.. I don't just mean here- I mean anything period (well other than my reports for work). I feel like everything is such a mess lately. I feel like I am such a mess. I cried today for over an hour- hard, sobbing, crocodile tears.. and I have no idea why. I feel this deep sadness and I don't know where it stems from. I usually can at least tell what is bothering me, but not lately. Maybe it is the changing weather- the cold creeping in. I am dreading winter.. I have a job and my own apartment now. Both things that I thought would help me feel like my life was a little more on track- that I was at least headed in the right direction, but I don't really feel any better- just have less money. I am beginning to think I need to seek professional help, but in the little shithole town I live in, I don't even know where to go. I can't go to my local mental health agency because my father works there (don't even get me started on how wrong that is on SO many levels) and I can't afford to see someone who has their own private practice- plus most of the psychologists around here taught my classes when I was going to college and I am not comfortable seeing them in any other role. I don't know.. all I know is I have to make a change because I can't keep living this way- this isn't living, it is surviving and even then it is just barely qualifying. If anyone reads this and can spare a hug or kind words I would greatly appreciate them...
  7. Not feeling well

    I am not feeling so hot tonight. I don't know if I am coming down with something or if it is just a combination of not getting enough sleep and feeling stressed or if it is the bug that the rest of the people in my life have been getting. I still haven't managed to land a job, but I have gone on 3 interviews and am sending out more resumes tomorrow. If I don't find something in my field soon I am going to give in and apply at the local grocery store. I need to save some money so I can get away from my family. I hate the stress of interviewing too.. I end up feeling like an idiot because while I have a degree, I have very little experience and everyone seems to be looking for a candidate with 3-5 years of experience. I am only 22, how am I supposed to have gotten in that much experience. I am left feeling frustrated and broke.. my stomach is killing me right now too. I don't know why and since I don't have any health insurance and no income I can't really afford to go to the doctor either. I need to get my life in order...
  8. Job lead

    Well.. I e-mailed this organization about a job they had listed on-line.. It is 2 states away and in an area that I love.. the job would be working nights at a group home for girls.. I got a call back and have to return the woman's call on monday. I am super excited and super nervous. Part of me thinks this would be perfect. I would be working in the field, but because it is nights I wouldn't be overly involved with the girls- I am nervous because of my inexperience (I don't want to screw anyone up anymore than they are already). I would be able to gain experience and I truly am interested in working with troubled teens- and I am much more comfortable working with girls than I am boys.. I also love the area the job is in- I have family there and spent a lot of summers there when I was a teen. I would be close enough to home (about 3 hrs) that I could visit when I wanted to, but wouldn't have to worry about them dropping by often. I am nervous though because I have so little experience- what if I don't know how to handle a situation? I've never lived on my own and I am worried about being able to cover all of my bills- rent is expensive in this area and I would want to live in an apartment complex where they have on-site management, etc. because I would feel safer.. then I have my car insurance, loan payment, utilities... being a grown-up is completely overwhelming. I find that this weekend I am swinging back and forth between hoping beyond hope that I get the job and then trying to convince myself that I don't really want to get it because I feel overwhelmed by everything that it would entail. I am also super nervous because I have never even been on a real interview before. I have gotten rejected a lot through postcards and letters, agencies saying they received my resume but don't have any jobs that fit my qualifications and that is depressing enough I think it would be even worse to go on an interview and not get the job because then it would really be them rejecting me. Oh well.. I guess I shouldn't stress too much until I at least call the woman back on monday and see how that conversation goes...
  9. So frustrated...

    It has been forever since I wrote an entry on here.. I have to say I have gotten really lazy with my writing. I have kept a journal since I was 6ish- as soon as I could write and I used to be pretty consistent, but I haven't been over the last year. I don't feel like I am in a very good place lately. I graduated from college- woo-hoo! I still haven't been able to find a job, however. It has been 7 months and nothing. I have applied for tons, but haven't even really had an interview.. I've even applied for jobs I am over qualified for and still nothing. Everyone wants someone with experience, but they don't seem to understand that it is impossible to get experience without that initial job. I am still stuck living at home because of the lack of a job and that is making things miserable. I hate being here. I used to get along with my mom and brothers, but now even that relationship is strained. My father.. well he is just worthless.. I try not to get discouraged or down on myself because all of my friends with similiar degrees are in the same place I am, but it is hard not to feel like a loser. The only good thing is that all of this free time has given me the opportunity to focus on getting healthier. I have started a regular workout routine and a better eating plan and have lost a ton of weight. I also have perfected my culinary and house cleaning skills. I applied for 2 more jobs today- neither of them are in my field, they are jobs that don't even require a degree, but at this point I will take anything.. I wish I hadn't gone to college and then I wouldn't have as much debt at least.
  10. Sounds like a really cool experience.. sorry I haven't been around much.. we should definitely try to meet up soemtime.. maybe go to d.c. next year for the angela shelton march.. congrats on the tongue piercing.. I am still trying to get mine done.. Love ya, Holly
  11. ((((((Ani)))))) Sending you good thoughts..
  12. ((((((Ani76)))))) I am sorry you are huritng so much hon. Please know I am thinking of you. Take care and much love, Holly
  13. Hey ((((((ani76)))))))))) So sorry to hear you had another rough night.. Don't feel bad for reaching out and asking for the support you need. That is one way of taking care of yourself.. Love ya, Holly
  14. ((((((((((((Ani76))))))))))))) Grey days definitely don't help any.... hope things get better soon. Take care, Holly
  15. Hey ((((((Ani76))))), I just wanted to say thank you so much for the kind words.. I hope I am as supportive of you as you have been for me. I know you feel kind of.. lonely.. or feel like maybe people here don't care about you the way they do others.. I hope people are not being intentionally rude or standoffish.. I don't honestly think people here at Pandy's are like that. I sometimes feel like people don't care when no one responds, etc. but I try to remember that we are all struggling, trying to heal, etc. and I try not to take things too personally. I also rarely go into the creativity forum.. and lately don't do much other than blog in my own blog.. Please try to remember that there are plenty of people here who care about you and even if they do not always leave you a response it doesn't mean they don't care about you- just that they might be struggling themselves or really busy.. I know sometimes I read a post and just don't know what to respond, but that doesn't mean I don't care deeply for the person or for what they are experiencing.. Remember that you can always e-mail me if you need to talk.. I have computer issues right now, but I try to check my e-mail at least once a day.. Take care and many safe hugs! Love, Holly