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About chbstarz

  • Birthday 04/26/1989

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    I like play volleyball i knit and i business finance major
  1. Silenced

    Just cold and scared. Feeling numb and empty again. I don't know where i belong or fit. I keep moving around and no where feels right. I think i have really messed up this time i look out my window knowing that i have no one to talk to. I am just trapped and pathetic! i miss everything familiar. I wish i could change so many things and i know i cant think that way, but i really am missing my old friend JJ who died my junior year. He is still the only person there was that i felt so open to share what is on my mind. I cant keep these thoughts in my head anymore. It is just one of those weeks where i really need him its not fair. I am just so scared that i will never be right or close to normal. It is so bad to say this but i know for a fact that if i went missing or died on the side of the road no one would notice. There are days and weeks where i go by so invisible. I have even tested it I have called and texted ten people I use to be so tight with in high school before we all moved and not one replied. Also when something really is bothering me I have tried to tell my boyfriend and he just does not want to talk about it but keeping it to my self it torching me and killing me from the inside. There are times when i just wish that ass who raped me just killed me. He should of just dug the knife a little deeper. I know my boyfriend gets hurt when i tell him and that is another reason my attacker should of just ended me. I hate hurting people and i know that is why i have kept it to myself and did tell anyone and made my self invisible and i probably pushed everyone away and now i have no one. I just know that if JJ was here and if i didn't get in the car that he would still be here and i need him or someone i am so lost and alone. i just need to know there is someone to love me or even just vent to. I feel so far away from who i use to be before i got raped it has completely destroyed me. Is it to late to put me back together?
  2. Back again

    have not been on this site for a few months and a lot has changed in my life. I moved back home from school in Arizona and i transfered to a school closer to home. I did all of this because i thought it would make things easier but really right now it does not feel like that. I am just overwhelmed with a new school new town and the only person i know is my roommate who is my sister. i just feel so alone here i meet people at school and everything but not people that i could hang out with because we just dont click but i will sit next to in class. It is just so hard to trust people anymore i would like to think that everyone is good but reality has tough me that they are not. I am sick of being so alone and trying not to notice that i am alone by over studying. even though i am an hour away from home i cant go there all the time. I just hope i can find my place to fit in here. Also the latest drama in my life is that my last friend ash's little sister contacted me wanting to know about here sister and i dont know how much to tell her. Her little sister looks up to her but i dont know if i am the right person to tell her how much pain her sister was in and why she took her life. I dont even know she knows that her sister was raped or not. I guess she is asking me because her sister and i grew really close over the last few months of her life and we found comfort in talking about our dark pasts. I miss her a lot and i have not been on this site after she died nor have i talked about the dreams or the really bad days. So i guess that is why i decided to start talking again and so i wont feel so alone in this world
  3. Thank you so much. it really means alot that you took the time to answer me i was feeling so lost. i had a long talk with my boyfriend and i tried to have him understand but not sure if it did any good. he just lectured how it was a dumb thing for me to do and doest get how i can hurt myself like that. after our long talk i was in tears and the only thing i could hear was silence.......then there is nothing left to say about this..more silence.... so i guess good night hun. that was it. it makes me so mad that he would end the conversation and expect me to sleep. who does that? oh i guess my boyfriend
  4. really bad week

    I have just had a really hard week and it isn't over yet. i need one little break. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate this evil hellish world. So to start this week out my friend Ash on Sunday got really sick i still do'nt know what really happened but last i heard she can breath on her own right now. Then Monday morning i got a weird text from my friend britt but it said "hey this is her sister and she is in the hospital" i have been trying to get a hold of her for a week. She tried to kill herself and it isn't fair she is my best and longest friend i ever had. i am so thank full she is still here and getting help. but on top of all that i am 756 miles away i have a huge political science midterm that i have to do good on or i will fail the class. so i know my cope with stress in all the wrong ways but i really don't think about it until it makes me sick or someone around me brings it to my attention. So i woke up last night and had to go to the bathroom and passed out on the way there. it was really scary and i need the scare. I didn't eat anything for a good two days when i started getting all of this bad news. So i told my boyfriend and he is mad at me i don't know what to say about it anymore but tell him that i am sorry. I feel that i have fucked shit up again and don't know what to do. i just have to get through my mid term on the 6th and i hope it will get a little easier. I just wish he understand that an eating disorder is a form of addiction and i trained my body to do that when i get stressed out but i have gotten so much better. i use to go a good week or more without eating. i know he is just worried but it really isn't helping me at all and i know that sounds selfish but at least i told him. he is 750 miles away i could of easily not of told him but i did and now i feel that i am shit. i feel sometimes that he really doesn't want to be with me when stuff like this happens. I know that i am messed up mentally but i am trying to get better and i sometimes wonder in times like this if he would be better off with someone else. i love him but i feel that i am hurting him and i know how that feels in a relationship. So i am asking for any advice i really need it i am so lost.
  5. DAY 2

    Day two with this crazy college therapist. I hate her so bad but let me start from the beginning. So yesterday she called me asking me to sign release of my file to her of my rape. that was just hospital and police documents and i did so that she would know everything. Then she asked if i have ever had seen another therapist and she want the number. Ok so i gave her John's number (john was my therapist after JJ died) and still didn't think to much into it. until thirty minutes later John called me telling me not to go today and that she doesn't know what she is doing. It was right then i started to panic a little. John knows me better than i know me and i felt that he really helped me get over JJ's death. For him to tell me not to go i wasn't going to go and i wish i followed his advice. That bitch had me look through the files. Not so bad i thought at first cuz i should know everything in there. NO i wasn't thinking the pictures where in there. She had me look at them and tell her what i thought about when i looked them. all i could do was start to cry and she kept pushing me to talk. Fuck that bitch she needs to shut up i know the purpose of this is to get a reaction and force me to deal with it. I dont want to like that there are somethings i think are better to just black out and forget they were that bad. Another thing i didnt know about my case that i found really weird was that i had no clue they found the knife and you think that i would of know about that right? what ever i just really want to drink and forget about that but know i have been sober for two months. Not going to lie it is days like today when i feel so out of control that i know i wont eat. it is bad i know but food just sounds so sick and it is the one thing that i can control in my life. i have gotten so sick before and put in the hospital because of starving myself and still to this day i have health problems because of it. Whatever now i really have to clear my head and get rid of this before i go to math. Love you all who read this and thanks
  6. It's just not fair

    I am just angry with the world to day fuck it i just want to scream. I hate the world to day but i cant let anyone see me like this i just want to break down again and start crying but i cant. i think that i have gotten so good at faking it i even fool myself. what triggered this hate for the world today would be going to talk about all of this with a free school counselor. i just hate it i dont know her how can you just tell someone you dont know. I would of rather talked to a friend in a heart beat but who. I really want to call my old friend Heidi but i cant cuz i told her to call me when she cleaned up. she would just listen and ask the right questions without judgment or tell me to do shit that i dont want to do she just understands me but i cant call her but i really want to so bad i miss her. FUCK i have class in thirty min and i have to go. Today i went in there open minded and told her everthing and all she did was say ok and looked shocked and of corse i started crying i was all alone in that room and i dont feel better at all i just feel like a mess and i cant be a mess right now i have to to pretend to be happy and go to class after class.
  7. Hi

    I went far away from home for school and i feel so scared sometimes but i am glad i did it and pushed myself as a step to over come this miserable thing. Today i feel like i should of come here and want to go home but it has to get better right
  8. waiting for me in my dreams

    i don't want to go to sleep. Today was a bad day filled with bad flashbacks and bad memories. it all started when my friend started to yell at my friend for reason and i went to back her up. It wasn't fair for her to take her anger out on her just cuz she wont do anything about it. I went to help and she was yelling so loud and i dont even remember what she said all i could remember was that Brent yelled at me just like that before he beat the shit out of me. I just cant even look at her anymore cuz when i do i see him. I just want all of this crazy drama to blow over and go to sleep but i just know he is going to be waiting for me in my dreams to beat me up all over again.
  9. painful things

    Painful reminders of my past that never seem to go away. Painful flashbacks that take me back Painful dreams force his hands on me again It is just to painful to talk about with people i don't know. Everyone who know tells me that i should talk about it with a professional i just dont think it will help. It is hard enough to let them know but i gets easier talking to them. they know me and they just understand me so i feet that it is easier. However i know its not an easy thing to hear and that they dont want to a lot of the time. when it is bothering me the worst and the time when i should talk about it but it is also easier to avoid cuz they dont want to talk about it. I feel that i should let them know that it is bothering me but how? then again i feel guilty when i do tell them like it hurts them and thats not fair cuz it is not their problem. i am just so confused today and just hope it goes faster
  10. how broken i am

    I am so tired sometimes i am not sure if i can fight. Last night i woke up to two in the morning from another really bad dream. I was trying not to let it rule my life so i got up went to the bathroom but once i got back to my room i left the door wide open. It was so dark and i had a flash back of that moment when i was walking home and it was dark and i heard a few things and knew i was alone. the rest of the night i slept with the lights on cuz i had that creepy feeling that he was in the hall out side my door. i all most called my boyfriend but why should i bother and wake him up but i know that would make me feel better. it is just i hate bothering him with it and i just feel so guilty when i drag him down. I hate letting him see how broken i am. If it isn't the flashbacks from me getting raped then it is memories of my ex-boyfriend Brent beating me up of it is me battling my eating disorder that i got when JJ also Brent's brother but my best friend that i dated for two years and the night we broke up got ripped from this world. I miss my best friend and i feel like that it is my fault that he still isnt here for me to talk to. i just want to talk to him but that last thing i ever said to him before he got in a car accident that night was "go away i just cant do this anymore i dont want to be with you and i want nothing to do with you. You make it so hard i will never be able to have a life with you" then he went and drank a lot and drove off a mountain road and the only reason i said that was so he would accept this great collage scholarship out odf state that he wouldn't because of me. I am so broken and putting the parts of my life together and i am making it but it is just so hard and i feel so fragile some days like today. i want a break and to runaway from all of this even for a day.
  11. Nightmare that will never end

    OMG i am so tired i don't know how much longer i a can put up with these nightmares. Last night i woke up three times. i feel that each time i wake up i get more upset by these dream. The first time i woke up i was so scared that i was completely frozen in my bed and could barley breath. Then after a few min i regained movement and i calmed down and tried to reminded my self that it was only a dream even though they feel so real. Then the second time i work up after the graphic flash backs i was screaming and trying to get away to only fall on to the floor. finally the last time i woke up last night from bad dreams i just gave up and started crying. i have had enough i don't want to be so messed up anymore and i dont want to remember this part in my life anymore. However the more i hide it and let that part of me go numb i will forget about it for a while but then when i get a reminder of it i know it will come back even worse. How can i just forget this i want to so bad. I am so tired and this just hurts my new life away from that and that is why i moved so far away from home. i want to run away from it but no matter how fast i run it always seems to catch up with me.
  12. That is so cool that you told your dad i have been so scared to tell my dad but part of me wants to but the other doesn't want to see the look in his eye. I feel if i told my dad he would never even look at me again but maybe it is time to re-think that. I just told my boyfriend he was shocked for a while but got over it and now i think i am finally ready to tell my best friends but i am still very unsure of that too.
  13. How can i keep going

    The stress of school is not enough i have to wake up in the middle of the night screaming and then to scared to move. I am so sick of these dreams that feel so real. i can feel the cold blade of the knife running against my skin and then i feel his breath in my ear and then his evil eyes. I just cant get away from the memory. Then i couldn't get back to sleep so i just laid in bed wide awake wish i was home in my boyfriends arms. I feel that it was a mistake go so far away from home. i know that this was just one of the reasons i left but the other was my crazy ex boyfriend snapped and hit me. My worst fear is that my rapist is waiting for me around some corner because they never found him. I know that is so impossible that i would ever see him again. i just dont think i would be as worried if they caught him. I need the dreams, flashbacks and memories to just go away i want to live my life. Now in thirty min i have to take a quiz so i have to get this out of my head
  14. I am new to all of this i never talk about it but when i saw your title nightmares i felt a little less alone. if i can just get through the night without a nightmare would be great. I was so scared to come to college and live with a roommate cuz i wake up screaming or yelling phases. she gave me crap for a little while and now she can sleep through it and i have never told anyone of my friends that i got raped I got use to it i just wish they would stop. My question to you is that after you wake up after a dream how do you get back to sleep and do you think there is a way to make them stop.
  15. I left alone

    I left alone. I was just a freshman and had a 4.0.GPA I got invited to crazy house party. I went and had a fun time but then just got bored and annoyed of all the annoying drunk people. So i decided to leave and walk me home because it was only a mile or two and everyone there who had a car was too drunk to drive. It was so dark and cold and not to many street lights on that part of town. I walked fast but I got this really bad feeling that I was not alone and I kept hearing something from the dark. Before I could scream or get my footing to run away I felt the smooth blade at my stomach and his rough hands on my neck. Then I heard him whisper in my ear that he was going to kill me if I screamed or attracted attention. Then I got trusted and tripped on to the ground and I scrambled to get away and he gripped my ankle and pulled me back on to the ground and I fell so hard into the road. That was the closet I would ever get to getting away. He then pulled me under and I felt that knife puncture my skin but I was so scared I could only feel the blood start to drench my shirt. Then the knife was at my neck and his other hand digging my hand into broken glass in the street. Then raped me and I remember glimpsed into his eyes and saw something so evil and I was frozen to scared to move. I tried to get him off me but the more I did the more it hurt and the more I bleed. When he was done he cut me one last time and I will never stop thinking about the throbbing pain. He ran off into the dark leaving me bleeding out, wanting to die and would of if my cell phone didn’t go off in my purse that was ten feet away from me. I crawled over to it and it was a good friend from the party wondering where i was. I answered and I started to cry. I was crying so hard and shaking so bad he knew that something was wrong from the tone in m voice. I couldn't tell him what happened but i just told him where i was. When he got there i will never forget the panicked look on his face he ran over and picked me up. I finally knew it was over and that I was safe. After this whole experience I found it easier to hide and never let anyone know what I was going through and that was the biggest mistake. It makes it worse I had horrible dreams. I realized after a while hiding and torching myself that I didn’t have to feel so alone anymore and I now I have been able to share my story with others and a am not leaving alone anymore